Relational Erectile Dysfunction – A Functional Response to a Dysfunctional Situation
Some men suffer from Relational ED – where their penis is actually giving them the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” We think of this as a functional response to a dysfunctional situation.
Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain.
She is So Attractive, But…
For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her).
Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” To clarify your feelings, needs, and boundaries, join us for the Cockfidence Workshop.
Solve Relational ED
If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:
Identify your Feelings
You might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how things are going.
Realize your Needs
You might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.
Find your Boundaries
You might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.
Break the Silence
You might consider coming in for some couple’s coaching or reading our book for couples, Making Love Real. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence feel free to contact us.
In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!
Celeste and Danielle,
Excellent series. Well worth the wait.
Thanks for connecting the big brain and the little one. Everyone talks about this, but few people do it.
Stephen Snyder, MD http://www.twitter.com/SexualityToday
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Stephen, glad you enjoyed!