Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Tapping into our grief is both an individual and collective endeavor – and it is truly an act of courage. Grief is part of the human experience, but like many other uncomfortable feelings, our tendency is often to push it under the rug and simply wait for it to pass. We need lots of time to let it land and move through our bodies. The more vulnerable we can be in sharing our grief with others, the less of a grip it will have on us.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross named five stages of grief – including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As far as I know, she mentioned nothing around sexuality. However, when we allow our grief to move, it makes room for all of the joyful sensations in life, instead of us getting stuck in the pain.

 

Grief is an Essential Part of Life – and Sexuality

Grief doesn’t always have to involve a literal death. It can be an emotional reaction to change or loss. Yet underlying the pain is always a source of profound love.

Grief is often felt when someone loses a job, a child goes away to college, someone dies – or personally, in my most recent deep-grieving experience, when separating from my partner. It can be noticed on more subtle levels when we tune into the aging process, the changing world climate on all its various levels, or even the change of seasons. We feel grief deep in our bodies: our throats feel tight, our hearts break open, depression shows up like a weight in our gut or as anxiety-producing nausea. And more often than not, we also notice our sexual appetites wane. 

 

A Feel-Good Society Leaves out the Power of Sadness

Generally speaking, in our culture we are taught to focus on what feels good in any given moment. But I notice that when I accept something to which I was initially resistant to, I grow, flourish, and blossom. And when I resist, it persists until I pay attention.

Consider the birthing process. It can be extremely painful, and it’s tempting to clamp down on the intense sensations flooding the body. Of course, this doesn’t stop the process of childbirth; it only intensifies the suffering.

I know from personal experience with childbirth that the more I invited in all of the sensations, the more expanded and liberated I became. I transcended the pain by going through it, not around it. The ecstasy of birth is similar in many ways to the post-orgasmic glow after an amazing sexual encounter with a lover – flushed and red, throbbing with life force, and completely amazed by this new baby before you. Both are messy, raw, primal experiences that bring us completely into the moment.

 

From Heartbreak to Heart Breaking Open

Perhaps the same can be said about grief. The degree to which we surrender to it, is the degree to which we fully allow for all the feelings and sensations to move through us and have their way with us. This is when heartbreak evolves into the spaciousness of a heart breaking open. This is when we can open to sex more fully, because of the acceptance of grief and feeling it all – our sexuality included.

We feel most alive when we allow the feelings of grief to rattle us so completely, that we lose ourselves in rapturous despair. And when we open ourselves to the raw urgency of feeling all there is to feel. When we allow ourselves to be open enough to feel it throughout our body, we can be surprised to find ourselves able to receive deeper levels of pleasure than we ever thought possible.

The deeper we allow ourselves to go, the more pain and pleasure we become open to. Conversely, the more we numb ourselves in the name of staying calm, the more bland life will feel.

Personally, I want to see what is possible when I open myself to feeling all the way into my grief, my sadness, my anger, my despair… and my sexuality. When we choose to stay open, darker energies show up – sometimes unexpectedly – knocking us on our asses. If we can stay open enough to our grief, we can stay present to the parts of us that create new life… the parts of us that make life worth living.

 

Tips for experiencing grief

Practical Tips for Experiencing Grief 

Embodied Breathing

Try erotic embodiment breathing next time you want to tap into a powerful way to move grief through your body. It will also help you connect to your sexual desire. Here’s how you do it:

Step One: Take several deep, relaxing breaths into the chest. Make space for the chest to gently open as you notice what feels alive in that area. Allow for any feelings to emerge and be felt fully.

Step Two: Allow the breath to move down into your stomach. Allow for it to expand and contract like a balloon. Notice and sink into the energy of this part of your body. 

Step Three: Breathe all the way down to your pelvic floor. Allow it to open and for all your feelings and energy to move through your cock or pussy. Squeeze the muscles of the pelvic floor on the in-breath (like you are stopping the flow of urine when you pee), and release them on the out-breath. Do this several times. On the last breath, squeeze all the muscles in the body – and hold. When you release, allow all the sensations to flood through the body. Just be still and notice what is happening in the body and with your emotions. You may notice the second chakra energized and that grief has loosened its grip a bit.

Getting Cuddly & Attuning

Another way to move grief through is simply through cuddling and attuning. By maintaining eye contact with your partner while snuggling, you are allowing your nervous system to relax and sync up with the other’s. You allow yourself to be seen with whatever emotions are present which can be very liberating. The oxytocin that is created can bring about a feeling of relaxed arousal. Which in turn can lead to some pretty connected, epic lovemaking.

 

Using Grief to Deepen Intimacy

My personal journey involves grief around letting go of the 21-year relationship I had with my husband. I now know that for a long time before the relationship changed, I wasn’t acknowledging my grief around how it wasn’t working anymore. This denial only extended my silent suffering. While this coping strategy kept the wounds bandaged, the adhesive was always loose, and the pain was steady, reliable, and dull. Our sexual patterns were much the same, and we were both unsatisfied. At the same time, we were also unwilling to fully acknowledge and deal with the personal work we needed to do.  

When I started the process of separation and started living my truth, the pain didn’t go away, but its quality changed tremendously. Instead of numbing, I dove into periods of crying and emoting, followed by deep lovemaking with a new partner who could hold space for that. I used the grief as a portal into a deeper dimension of me, and discovered an intimacy that arose from knowing and trusting myself to follow my truth. Even when that truth contained some dense and painful processes. And though it often hurt like hell, I found that sexual ecstasy was part of the package. The ecstasy was a reward for all the brave work I’d done by honoring my grief.

 

Grief is a Tool that Should Not be Ignored

We don’t need to get divorced or lose a parent to tap into grief. It could be a feeling of loneliness or lack of fulfillment in your career. Especially at this time in history – when policies are being put into place that don’t seem to serve the greater good – grieving can be a powerful catalyst for change. Shedding tears and finding ways to express anger, without projecting, can drop us deeply into our bodies. And if we choose to, also move some of the collective grief through our sexuality.

So next time you feel a heavy energy tugging at you, or you are pushing away a feeling, notice if grief is trying to get your attention. Listen to what it has to say. Life may be a roller coaster ride, but with love, awareness, willingness, and the torch of sexuality lighting the way, we are always on the right track.

 


 

 

Wendy’s mission as an intimacy coach is to help you free the energy in your body and beckon Eros into your life. She brings compassion, playfulness, and wisdom to her sessions, and empowers you to release shame and self-judgment, discover and claim your desires, and increase your self-awareness and self-love.

Wendy sees clients in Sebastopol / Sonoma County CA.  Book a session with her now.

Wanna find out how to have the best G Spot orgasm? Sex coaches Celeste and Danielle teach you all about what it is, where it is, and what to expect when your G Spot is being stimulated, in this 7th episode of their 9-video series on women’s empowerment. They also guide you how to develop your G Spot and how to communicate to your partner to help him/her get you there.

 

(Below is the slightly edited video transcript)

 

Where is the G Spot?

Celeste: All right, now it’s time to talk about the G-Spot.

Danielle: One of my favorites.

Celeste:  I know. I can’t wait for the cervix one though, which is my favorite.

Danielle: Or the anal, which is my favorite. People talk about the G-Spot as if it’s this thing that you either have, or don’t have. But the truth is that the G-Spot is an area in your vagina that is developable. It’s something that is getting bigger and juicier and much more alive the more direct stimulation you get on the G-Spot.

Celeste: I’m never gonna forget the first time my G-Spot was stimulated. Thank God for lesbians. When I was in college, I was in a relationship with a woman, and maybe it was the second or third time we were having sex, she put her fingers inside of me and she did “this thing”. She stimulated my G-Spot and I was like, “what is happening?” It was many years later before I learned how to incorporate that sensation into an orgasm. But the intensity of it was so powerful.

 

How to Develop Your G Spot

Danielle: It’s not very powerful for everyone right from the beginning, because it’s something that is possible to develop. And at the same time I don’t want you to put pressure on yourself – as if you have to have it. It’s the last and the least important thing – and least exciting to-do-stuff – if you feel pressured to do it. The G Spot, for me, is a little like the freedom spot. It needs a lot of love and attention to start to feel pleasure and respond well.

Celeste: I was a clit girl until I was in my mid-30s.

Danielle: Me too. I found my G-Spot much later in life, and I think it meant to be like that.

Celeste: Some people orgasm like that from the beginning, but that certainly wasn’t the case for me. Once I discovered there was this whole other layer of sensation, I still always needed clitoral stimulation with my G-Spot stimulation. This isn’t true for everyone – but it was certainly true for me. Fingers are the best tool for the G-Spot, because they’re nimble and they can bend. You can definitely use a dildo or a cock to get to your G-Spot, but I think it’s much more powerful if you do it with the famous come-hither.

There’s the come-hither, but there’s also the in-and-out. Your fingers are moving, but you’re also moving. That combination seems to be both the one that gets the most intensity of orgasm, but also the one that prepares me for squirting if that’s gonna happen as well. Because it like sort of pulls the juices out.

And so, the combination of that and my vibrator on my clit, like if I can have two good strong fingers in there working their magic, and the vibrator’s on my clit, and I’ve got free motion of my legs where I can bend them and squeeze them, that’s when the explosions happen.

 

What to Expect with G Spot Orgasms

Danielle: Let us tell you want to expect when your G-Spot is being stimulated. First, you’re gonna start feeling warmth climbing through your torso and your body, and you’re gonna start naturally to arch your back. You’re very likely to make sounds, because the pelvis and  sound are connected. It’s almost impossible to not make sound when you have G-Spot stimulation. Especially if you are close to orgasm. It takes over.

Celeste: And sometimes it’s what takes you there.

Danielle: Yeah, you really can’t help it. You make the noise and the orgasm arrives.

Sometimes you might feel a little bit competition between the G-Spot orgasm and the clitoral orgasm, because the clitoral orgasm is all about squeezing and the G-Spot is all about pushing. If you want to experience the G-Spot orgasm, you might need to let go of your vibrator for a second and just bear down. If you’re worried about peeing – don’t worry about it. You might pee, but who cares? Just make sure you have something that protects the mattress!

Celeste: When you get to that level of sensation and you feel like you’re gonna pee, that’s actually the pre-ejaculation moment. And so it’s like you push it out and that’s when the ejaculate comes squirting out, which is really fun. And again, we don’t want to create any pressure…  like you need to ejaculate. You’re not there to do party tricks. You might ejaculate, you might not. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it doesn’t really add much for people, so it doesn’t have to be a goal. Really, it’s to find out what gives you the most pleasure and sensation.

We’re a little different in this way. You [Danielle] have to bear down for your G-Spot orgasm. Mine is really combined with clit, and so I never bear down. It’s really the squeezing.

 

Learn Your Pussy

Celeste: I think that’s something that we need to say over and over again — learn your pussy, learn your partner’s pussy. And don’t think “oh, this happened this way with my last partner, so it should happen this way now”. When people say that to their partners, I’m respond “nooo”. Don’t compare – every pussy’s different. And you want to fully learn and embrace the pussy that you have, and the pussy that you’re making love to.

Danielle: And your own pussy’s different at different times of the month, so the G-Spot can be a little elusive and travel around as well. For example, there are times it feels much deeper when I’m closer to bleeding. And also your desire for G-Spot stimulation is gonna change throughout the month. There will be times when you’re gonna feel like “I just don’t want to have anything inside me”. And there are times when you’re gonna feel like “yes, I need a lot of depth and width inside me”, and definitely this hooking with the fingers.

 

G Spot Massage

Celeste: When you first start to explore the G-Spot, you want to start with slow circular massages with the hooked fingers. Just start to tap, or you can press, or you can rub kind of slowly. And as the pleasure gets more intense, you can deepen and quicken the finger touch.

It’s surprising how hard some G-Spots can take pressure, so you want to watch your partner’s reaction. Or you want to tell your partner, “I can take it harder”, or “can you go a little deeper, more pressure, or lighter or softer, that’s too much for me”. There’s definite guidance needed with every clitoral orgasm, with G-Spot orgasm, with cervical orgasm., But definitely guide your partner to touch with the right speed and pressure.

Danielle: Don’t forget to breathe.

Celeste: And don’t forget to scream and wake your neighbors! I think when you make loud noises during sex, it inspires everyone in the neighborhood to have better sex. So be inspirational.

So, if you like what we said here, don’t miss another episode by subscribing to our YouTube Channel!

Wanna learn how you can give and receive the best clitoral orgasms? In the 6th episode of their 9-video series on women’s empowerment, sex coaches Celeste and Danielle tell us why psychological arousal is so important. Watch them discuss what you should – and shouldn’t – do during physical foreplay; and how you can give your partner the most intense orgasm via the clit.

 

(Below is the slightly edited video transcript)

 

How to Get Warmed up Right

Celeste:  Today we’re gonna talk about clitoral orgasms and all of the pleasure a clitoris can have.

For me, the clitoris has so much to do with psychological arousal. If you want to talk to my clit, firstly you have to sneak up on her. Not just go jabbing at her right away. And I think it’s really different (for women). I understand that for men, a lot of times, they’re ready for their cock to be touched right away.

If you’re being a lover to man, you probably can’t touch it too soon, or too often, or lick it, or suck it. So they’re ready. But I think because of that, they think that we’re the same. And we so aren’t.

Danielle:  At all.

Celeste: At all! When you first get warmed up psychologically and physiologically with your clit, she starts to peek out. Like – ooh something good might be happening soon. Or – no, no, that’s too soon! I’m going back into my hole and all the arousal drops.

Danielle: She’s very sneaky. The clit is very sneaky. And so she goes in and out.

Celeste: So she needs to be snuck up on. And I think that’s something to teach your lovers as part of your erotic empowerment. And what does it mean to sneak up on it, right?

Danielle:  What I really like is when I’m snuck on from behind. And then if my lover is touching the whole body. And then just barely touching my pussy. Just a very general caress. It’s not targeted right away at my clit, at all. Very general, a full hand caress, very light. And then it goes anywhere else.

 

Foreplay is a Worthy Investment

Celeste: So you start to get this teasing feeling. Like – oh, I’m going to sneak up on you, but I’m not gonna just focus in yet. And the other ways that you sneak up is by saying sexy things, whispering sexy things in my ear. Or caressing my whole body, biting my neck, nibbling on an ear lobe. My clit starts to come alive when those things are happening And I think that’s what people don’t realize.

Danielle: I tell people foreplay is worth the investment. And foreplay doesn’t start with nipples or pussy – foreplay is way way before.

Celeste: Physically going very very slow and creating anticipation. I think the problem is people go right to the clit itself. For me, you need to have a more broad brush approach. Like you’re using three fingers instead of one finger and you’re not doing it pointy. You’re doing it flat, right?

Gently rubbing, circles or caressing, or same with your tongue, like your like an ice cream cone.

Danielle: Some clits are more sneaky and they do tend to kinda hide, even when they are aroused. So taking a much more broad approach, like using your whole hand, and going up and down and really trying to hook on it. This will be much more inviting for the clit to come out instead of just… run away and hide.

Celeste: I also like my clit kissed. ‘Cause it’s a little like … ooh, ooh, ooh. And I do think women’s performance anxiety comes in when you start touching the clit too fast, and its like you’re trying to make an orgasm happen. As opposed to just like – I’m exploring this and I could stay here forever and it smells so good. This is the attitude, right? And it smells so good, and it tastes so good and it’s so perfect that however long it takes, I don’t care. I’ll be down here enjoying myself.

I feel like that’s what we wanna express to our partners. Men – if your listening that’s what we want you to do for us women. And it’s only when you can feel your body clenching and moving, that we want for the stimulation to be more direct and constant and not get all creative. It’s at that moment that we’re ready for somebody to stick with their guns and really go for the orgasm. But until then it really needs to be snuck up on.

 

The Power of Breath

Danielle:  I want to talk about the power of breath and sound when you’re receiving clitoral pleasure. Always have some sort of stimulation on the clit. Don’t just wait for it to have a magical orgasm without touching the clit. The clit is the source of our pleasure and even if you we have other orgasms, the clit makes everything feel better.

Celeste:  So don’t think of this “orgasm during intercourse without any other stimulation” as the holy grail – it is not. In fact it’s probably gonna be a less intense orgasm than if you are using you’re hand on your clit. Or if you’re using your vibrator at the same time that you’re getting penetrated.

Danielle:  So back to sound and breath. We tend to – when we get or try to squeeze the clitoral orgasm, to get into a little bit of a “work-gasm” mode. We really stop the breath. And it’s good to kinda squeeze the breath and hold it a little bit. But it’s really also very powerful when you release the breath and spread the sensations much more into your body. And then when you get much closer to orgasm, it’s a good time to hold the breath and keep it squeezed. But if you notice that you’re squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, trying to get to orgasm – it means you’re working too hard, and sex is about fun and not about working hard.

Celeste:  But you definitely do usually need to squeeze your muscles. Clitoral orgasm for me is all in my legs and thighs. And I have to smooth them, and squeeze them, and they need to be free to move and squeeze as they please.

 

And if you like what we said here, don’t miss another episode by subscribing to our YouTube Channel!

 

In the 5th episode of their 9-video series on women’s empowerment, Celeste and Danielle give foreplay tips and ideas for women and their partners, and talk about all the fun and pleasure you can have warming up. Because after all – foreplay is an integral part of sex, seduction is key, and taking charge of it yourself is an important element of female erotic empowerment.

 


(Below is the slightly edited video transcript)

 

The Secret How to be a Great Lover to Your Partner

Danielle:  So, today we’re going to talk to you about all the pleasure you can have.

Celeste: I think when you really get into your erotic empowerment, you want it all. And I think it’s good to want it all. Stop apologizing. Saying, “Oh, I take a long time to warm up,”or, “It seems like I need this, and this, and this, to get off.”

So, I’m going to tell you a secret about what we do. I wanna start by just saying – a lot of times, we trick women. What we say is, “We’re gonna teach you how to be a great lover to your partner.” And then when they come in, we say, “You know what would make you a great lover to your partner?”

Danielle:  If you get into your own arousal, and your own sexuality. They’re gonna love it. They won’t get enough of you.

Celeste: Cause what really turns people on is to feel authentic desire coming their way. If you’re trying to give to somebody else, but you’re not even feeling what you want, and you’re not asking for what you want – I think, especially if you’re partner is a man. What he wants is a woman who is just really excited, and turned on, and wanting sex. For herself, on her own terms. As opposed to doing it out of obligation, because your partner wants it. Which is so boring and depressing.

Danielle: It is! I do have clients and friends that tell me, “Oh, I put it on my calendar.” I said, “Okay, that’s not a bad beginning.” But how did we get there? It’s really hard to get from obligation to arousal.

 

Seduction is Key

Celeste:  Yeah, there’s nothing sexy about obligation. What is sexy is really finding out all of the ways you can experience pleasure in your body, and in your psyche. I think for women, a lot of what turns us on the most is the build up. Seduction! Both the seduction in our brain, and the seduction in our body. Because we want all of that – light, tender touch, mixed with grabbing and holding. We also want to hear – and this is hard especially for men – all about how amazing we are. How sexy we are. And how much we’re wanted.

Danielle:  And how beautiful we are.

Celeste:  That’s something women don’t feel like they can ask for. When somebody says, “What do you want sexually?” We think we need tell them about how to touch our clit properly. Which is a really good think to tell people and very few people know how to do it very well.

I’m always, “Oh, we’re going to give you the lesson on that in a little while. Let’s start with how I need you to look at me. Then what I want you to say to me.”

Danielle:  I personally cannot orgasm without my partner telling me something that turns me on verbally. Otherwise, nothing brings me over the edge.

Celeste: So we need that psychological arousal.  And we need good touch, and good physiological arousal. We need people not go grabbing our boobs, and rubbing our clit really hard in the first five minutes of sex.

Danielle:  For me it would be the first forty-five minutes of sex.

Celeste: We need to really get in touch with how we have our orgasm. Once our body has warmed up, and we’ve been kissed, and bitten, and licked in all the right places. What kind of orgasms can we have? How do we learn about that in our own body?

In the next video, we’ll talk about all the different ways we can get to our orgasm. And bring your vibrator everywhere you go!

 

So, if you like what we said here, don’t miss another episode by subscribing to our YouTube Channel!

Why are women often so horny before their period? In the 4th episode of their 9-video series on women’s empowerment, Celeste and Danielle teach you how to acknowledge the tiger in the cage who wants sex, how to stay immersed in the desire, and prioritize it. They talk about how you can act on the cues your body gives to connect with your arousal, and go after what you want.

 

 

(Below is the slightly edited video transcript)

 

Acknowledging the Horny Tiger in The Cage

Celeste:  I know at the beginning of my month, at the moment I start bleeding, I feel like a tiger in a cage. If I don’t get sex, I’m just clawing, and things are going to go poorly for everyone around me.

Danielle:  For me, actually, this horniness, is a sign I’m going to get my period tomorrow. The night before, I get so horny, I literally feel like the tiger in a cage. I’m climbing walls, that’s how much I wanna have sex.

Celeste:  I don’t think that women talk to each other about horniness. It’s like we think that that’s men purview. Men are the ones who say “I can’t wait to have sex” – but I think we feel that way a lot. A lot of women don’t even acknowledge that that’s what the feeling is. And maybe they just get frustrated, or eat, or do something else. They just kind of sublimate that desire, instead of asking, “Where am I gonna get my sex from?”

I love my vibrator, but I wanna have sex. I need something inside of me.

Danielle: The truth is that at that time of the months, we have different needs for different kinds of stimulation. Such as deeper stimulation – as opposed to clitoral stimulation.

 

How To Claim Your Sexual Energy and Desire

Celeste:  But what do we do with this tiger energy? That’s the part that I really think is a big step in women’s sexual empowerment. To claim that desirous energy for themselves.

Danielle:  I think it’s not so much about whether you want to have sex all the time. It’s really about honoring the times that you do wanna have sex, and giving yourself permission to feel it and claim it.

Celeste:  I wanna say something about being a woman who wants to have sex all the time. I have felt a little alienated with other women. Kind of misunderstood and weird. I used to hide that, but now I just tell everyone all the time. It’s all I wanna talk about – sex. And my best friends are the ones who wanna hear about it.

It’s a very deep, exciting part of who I am in my life. And I do feel like – for women and men – that is not something that’s celebrated. It’s thought of as trivial or sort of “extra”. Like you have to do all of the other things first – and then you go after sex.

Danielle:  Like it’s the last thing on the list.

Celeste:  For me it is like, if I wait and put sex as the last thing on my list, I’m a miserable human being.

Danielle:  There is no list for you. :: laughs ::

 

Let Yourself Say You Want Sex

Celeste:  I swear – I feel there would be way less anti-depressants in the world for women. I feel like there would be way less frustration and anger in relationships if women just started to say “Maybe this feeling inside of me, this intensity, means that I want to fuck”.

Danielle:  You can try the sentence: “I want to fuck.”

Celeste:  I don’t think women say that very often. Or at all.

Danielle:  It’s not “nice” to say something like that.

Celeste:  Women are supposed to be nice. Didn’t they say well behaved women rarely make history?

Danielle: That’s correct.

Celeste:  Our sex life is a place that we have been taught to behave. I think that dampens down – again – our erotic power in every area of our lives.

Danielle: So we want to invite you to notice those differences in your arousal. Sometimes you might feel like openness throughout you, and more like a spreading sensation. And sometimes you’re gonna feel very focused, like a hunter who says: “I wanna have sex now.”

Just start to recognize those differences and let yourself have it. Let yourself say what you want.

Celeste:  Women have the potential for endless pleasure, and it is the best kept secret. And we’re gonna tell you how to get it.

 

So, if you like what we said here, don’t miss another episode by subscribing to our YouTube Channel!