Women – your libido is tied to shifts in hormones and energy throughout your day, throughout your monthly cycle and throughout your lifetime. In contrast to men, who generally experience a build-up of sexual energy when they have not had sex for a while, and a lowering when they do have sex, your libido is likely to fluctuate more based on your hormonal changes and changes in your energy level throughout your day. Libido is also heightened when sexual experiences have been recent (as opposed to a distant and fading memory). To put your hormonal changes simply, overall your libido-supporting hormones go down throughout your lifetime – in the big picture women in their 40s are less hormonally horny than women in their 20s. That being said, each month, as long as your are not on a hormonal form of birth control, your hormones experience a peak during ovulation and menstruation and these are often when your libido will be at its highest. You can begin noticing when you have peaks in your desire and track these throughout the month. If you have children, you will likely (or likely did), have an experience of heightened libido during your pregnancy and then lowered libido afterward due to hormonal fluctuations. Since rest has a huge impact on libido, getting enough sleep and choosing to have sex in the morning, afternoon or early evening (whenever your energy level is the highest), can do miracles to your sexual desire and response (and also partially explains why women have lowered libido after childbirth – very little rest, and keeping sex to the end of the day when the kids are in bed!). Finally, in menopause, your sexual hormones drop and stay quite low throughout the month.
As we mentioned above, when you go long stretches of time without sex, your body tends to “forget” what you liked about sex in the first place, and often, once you have sex more regularly, you end up wanting it more. There is one caveat to this, it has to be GOOD SEX or else, as your hormonal desire for sex drops, you will be less and less interested. We have this myth in our culture, that our partners are just supposed to know what we want and be able to provide it without us having to ask, however, since your body, your hormones , your orgasms and your needs to be touched change throughout time, it is essential to teach your partner and continue to communicate with your partner what you need in order to feel turned on. As we have lower and lower hormonal support for our arousal, seduction, fantasy, creativity and communication become more and more essential to keep us interested in sex.
We cannot emphasize enough the importance of seduction and how questions from our partners like, “are you horny,” or “do you want to have sex now” are NOT SEDUCTIONS. Research has shown that women often not interested in sex until they are already somewhat aroused, this means that your partner needs to know how to arouse your body instead of asking you if you want sex because you won’t want it until you are already somewhat aroused.
Here are some important tips to take away:
1) Get as much rest as possible – naps can be hugely rejuvenating
2) Look for times to have sex when you feel the most physiologically aroused – this may mean you will have to initiate sex, which many women are not used to doing (we will talk more about this in our next segment on social messages and libido)
3) When thinking about how your partner can seduce you better, don’t only tell them how to touch you, teach them how to look at you, how to talk to you, what kinds of fantasies most turn you on (so they can tell them to you or you can act them out), and how they can help make sure you get enough rest. If you need more ideas about what is on the menu, check out the second half of our book, Cockfidence.
4) Try to find a birth control method with the least hormonal impact
5) If you are one of those SUPER BUSY WOMEN, make sex dates with your partner or yourself, where you set aside time for intimacy and sexual connection. To those who complain that this will not be spontaneous, we say, there is plenty of time for spontaneity once you get to the date and making the time doesn’t mean you have to have sex – just that you do something that helps you connect to your own body and your partner in a sensual or intimate way.
6) Start tracking your menstrual cycle, keeping an eye on when you have peaks in your arousal and initiate sex during these times or any time you think you might be in the mood
In the next couple of blogs, we will tell you more of the reasons why you may have low libido and how you can change it! Also, we would love to hear your experiences and welcome comments and questions – so feel free to leave comments bellow.