2 Ways to Find Out – And 3 Surefire Methods To Get It!
The first step in building a healthy relationship is to ask yourself: what do you want in a relationship?
Answering this question may take some time, but we suggest you start one of two ways: The first is to take 10 minutes to sit down and imagine how you want your relationship to be. How you want to be treated? How you want to connect one-on-one? And – how you want to share in each other’s lives?
The second way to figure out what you want in a relationship is to notice the things in your current relationship that make you unhappy or resentful. Imagine what it will take for you to move out of resentment and regain your joy.
Once you know what you want, you need to find a path to actually get it. Are you ready? Here are the 3 things you need to learn how to do:
1. Put Yourself First
Many of us grew up in households where we saw women shoulder most of the childcare and domestic work. Seeing this modeled at home may have taught you to prioritize others over yourself. Many women have learned to meet their partner’s needs, while putting their own needs on the back burner.
In fact, you may even react to others’ desires without ever thinking about what you want for yourself. In order to feel confident and respected in your partnership, it is essential to hold your needs as equally important to theirs. This means going through the process of learning what you really want – and choosing relationships where your partner cares about your desires as much as their own.
2. How to Ask for What You Want In A Relationship
Without even realizing it, we may have been spoon-fed the fantasy “If he really loves me, he will know exactly what I want without me having to ask for it.” We are taught to believe that if we have to ask for something we want, it doesn’t count.
When you realize it is impossible for anyone to read your mind (or any one person to meet all of your needs), you can begin learning how to ask for, receive, and delight in the gifts your partner actually has to offer.
It can be scary to ask for what you want. Asking brings up fears that you might not get it, or that the asking will put a burden on your partner. At the same time, if you wait too long, resentment could build. Instead of asking for what you want, lovingly and patiently, you may be likely to criticize your partner instead.
Part of asking lovingly is asking without expectation. When you ask lovingly – while supporting your partner to only give what feels right to them – you greatly increase the likelihood of staying connected and getting what you want.
3. Prioritize the Sex You Want
Knowing how to build a healthy relationship is only half the battle. You also want to prioritize having the sex that really turns you on. If you’ve grown up on planet Earth, you grew up in a society that strongly restricts women’s sexuality. Because of this, you may not have taken the time to explore your desires and experience the heights of your pleasure potential.
You were most likely taught that sex is a tool for attracting a partner, instead of a delicious end in itself. This is why so many women lose interest in sex in long-term relationships. You may continue to have sex that is not fulfilling or pleasurable in order to keep your partner around, which can lead to frustration and shut-down. Alternatively, you may really love sex, but subsume your needs to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings or to maintain the relationship.
The possibility for true intimacy and growth in relationships comes from sharing mutually pleasurable and emotionally intimate experiences with the person you love. Unless you find out what is in sex for you and communicate it, you will likely end up depressed or shut down, and your relationship will suffer. Our book, Coming Together, will teach you how to communicate the right way!
Once you learn about, claim, and ask for what you want, you will feel empowered in ways you have never experienced. Letting go of the fairytales and remembering to hold your needs as equally important, you can start having the amazing relationships you deserve.