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How to Find Your Passions & Core Desires

Having mind-blowing sex starts with knowing what you want to feel. The book Coming Together shares an exercise to help find your passions and Core Desires.
Find your passions

Having mind-blowing sex starts with knowing what you want to feel. Our new book, Coming Together, takes you on a personal journey of discovery into finding your passions and Core Desires, and offers a variety of ways to discover and enhance the understanding of your sexual desires.

Step 1: Find a Comfortable Place

The book offers many different mechanisms to help you find your Core Desires. One of the most effective tools is to do a visualization.

This excerpt from the book will guide you through the process. You can either read through it first and then close your eyes and start. Or you can have a partner or friend walk you through it. Another idea would be to make a recording of it and then follow along with your own voice.

Find a place where you feel comfortable and have some privacy. It is best to be sitting or lying down. You don’t need to be in any kind of meditation pose for this practice, and it might actually be more helpful for you to have back support. If you are lying down, you can lie flat or with your knees bent. Above all else, find a position that helps you feel the most relaxed and connected to your pelvic floor.


Step 2: Practice Mindful Breathing

  • Close your eyes and take some nice, slow, deep breaths through your mouth. We encourage mouth breathing because it can sometimes help you bring the breath more deeply into your body. However, there is no right way to breathe – if you find yourself much more connected and comfortable when you breathe through your nose, feel free to do that.
  • Send the breath toward your chest, allowing the muscles in your chest to relax, release, and flow with the breath. If it helps you aim your breath, feel free to put your hand on your chest and breathe toward your hand. Do not force relaxation here. This is more about allowing the breath and experiencing your body than trying to make any particular type of change.
  • Next, send the breath down to your belly and allow the belly to rise and fall with the breath. Again, you may want to place your hand on your belly and feel your hand rising and falling. Tune into your body and allow any thoughts to float by while continuing to focus on your breath and your self-touch.
  • Finally, send the breath all the way down to your pelvic floor – your penis or vulva (or whatever you call your genitals) and your perineum. Feel the breath go all the way down to your anal muscles, allowing all of the muscles in your pelvic floor to open and relax. You may want to place your hand on your pelvis for a deeper connection.

Step 3: Deepen the Connection

  • Once you are breathing all the way down, it is time to enhance your connection to sensations in your pelvic floor. You do this by squeezing your pelvic floor muscles (or PC muscles – also sometimes referred to as doing Kegels). Instead of thinking of this as a strengthening exercise, we want you to focus on its erotic potential. As you breathe in, take a nice deep squeeze of your vaginal or penile muscles like you are stopping yourself from peeing and then, on the out-breath, release these muscles. Do this breathing and releasing at least 20 times to get the full effect.
  • As you are squeezing your pelvic muscles, start noticing your body and how it feels. Imagine a hot sexual experience that you’ve had – or that you want to have – or some fantasy that really turns you on. Let your mind land on an experience or a fantasy that would most likely make you come.
  • As you breathe and squeeze your pelvic muscles, embody this scene as much as possible and paint all of the details you can. What has built you up to it? Where are you? Who is there with you – one other person, or a whole stadium full of people? What does the place look like? What scents do you smell? Are you inside or outside? Is it daytime or night? Is it lit? With what – candles, a chandelier, a spotlight?
  • What are you wearing – and what are other people wearing? What are the actions? Are they happening to you or are you doing things to someone else? Are you watching as others engage with each other? Let yourself fully paint the entire scene, and focus on the parts that turn you on the most.

Step 4: Notice Your Feelings

  • As you are seeing and experiencing the scene with as many details as possible, start to notice the feelings you are having. Which of those feelings matter the most to you? Take a moment to notice the feelings that seem to create a response in your body. Notice whether the response is arousal or something else. You may feel:

Loved, Calm, Degraded, Wanted, Powerful, Free, Precious, Desired, Beautiful, Connected, Considered, Playful, Fun, Vulnerable, Cared for, Alive, Creative, Taken care of, Reassured, Pushed, Open, Received, Dominant, Collaborative, Played With, Exploitative, Manipulative, Taken Advantage Of, Used, Naughty, Afraid/Scared, Penetrated, Approved of, Forced, Encouraged, Adventuresome, Ravished, Seen, Dissolved, Shamed, Impressive, Authentic, Consumed, United, Generous, Spiritual, Trusted, Punished, Out of Control, Open, Accepted, Powerful, Free, Not Responsible, Transcendent, Appreciated, In Control, Celebrated, Capable, Sexy, Taken, Probed, Submissive, Valued, Adored, Secretive, Exposed, Controlled, Feminine, Masculine, Accepted, Cruel, Teased, Irresistible, Merged, Unattainable, Worshipped, Contained, Pleasing, Mysterious, and/or Supported

  • Or, it may be a feeling or feelings that we haven’t mentioned here. If so, please add your own to the list.
  • You might notice that some of the feelings on the list you might think of as “negative” – such as degraded, forced, shamed, or cruel. We will talk more about this later in the book. For now, and just for yourself, see if you can be honest about what you want to feel and try not to judge or shame yourself for it.
  • You may have several feelings that seem to be at odds with one another – or they may all be in alignment. Either way, let all the feelings be there. Let yourself feel these feelings, let them spread through your body. Now go back to that fantasy and see what in particular makes you feel the feelings.
  • Is it specific actions or acts? The environment? The relationship between you and others, or between those you are watching or who are watching you? Is it a particular type of person or some inanimate object? Is it certain words or phrases? Once you have a good idea of what you want to feel, take one last deep breath to solidify this new awareness.

Step 5: Personalize Your Experience

If the visualization didn’t quite work for you, you can also look at the list of feelings above and write down of any of them that feel pertinent to your arousal. Once you have your own personalized list, rank them from most to least important and pay attention to themes across the different words. For example, if you choose dissolved, united, and merged, you can see that all of these have a similar feel to them.

Take some time to write down the memory or fantasy and especially the feelings you’ve identified. One-by-one acknowledge each of the feelings – these are your true passions and Core Desires.


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