You might be vigorously nodding your head at the obviousness of the above statement of “it’s fine – until it isn’t.” And for sure – it is important to remember that your partner’s differences from you are all fine and well. That is UNTIL they cause you discomfort, or you feel the way they are handling something is wrong. So how do you reconcile a relationship during times of stress – such as this coronavirus pandemic?
Most couples show up in our office as a result of differences in the way they each approach life (and each other) that cause the other discomfort.
Why do differences mess with our intimacy so much?
Take an example from this NYT article. Say, you are worried about the coronavirus and your partner, in contrast, is pretty relaxed about it. You might start to silently judge and/or overtly criticize one another. Peering across the room at one another, you ask yourself with an unnerved attitude: “Who does that?!?”.
If you are not careful, you might begin to polarize across many different topics and approaches to life. Instead of practicing empathy – trying to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings – you dig in on your own approaches. You become more and more staunch in your believes about the world and the way things should be done. You begin to feel distant from your partner and lose your feeling of teamwork and intimacy.
To get through these challenging times, it’s even more important to hold the attitude that there is no right way to live a life. That includes reacting to a crises, or making certain decisions.
Whether your differences come from reasoned thinking or your histories of hurt or trauma – it’s essential to remember there is no way to argue a person into being someone else than they are.
So – what can you do differently to help reconcile a stressed relationship?
For more helpful pointers about how to reconcile a relationship, read a sample chapter of our book “Coming Together”.
Though this NYT article didn’t talk about sex at all, if sex is a resource for you as a couple (as opposed to a place of conflict), make sure you set aside some sexy time. It will calm your nervous systems, deepen intimacy, and create some resilience around the challenges to come.
If it is one of your areas of conflict, you can use some of the tools to talk about it differently. And in case you need help with talking about differences of any kind, we are always here!
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