We saw this Elle article on sexless marriage and thought you might be interested. Plus, we wanted to put in our two cents! In our practice, we see sexless marriages or marriages in which one person has a much higher drive than the other quite often (and it’s not always men who have the higher drive). While it is true that there are small minority of couples out there who have found happiness in a sexless marriage, more often than not, either one of them or both are not happy with the arrangement. While the article talks about the causes and the question of contentment within a sexual marriage, it doesn’t talk about effective ways out if the couple isn’t happy with it. What we have found is that most couples don’t realize that keeping sex alive means being proactive, communicative and open to change and novelty.
We recently saw a couple in a sexless marriage who complained “we went to other sex therapists who gave us homework that we never did and then we just ended up quitting.” Just talking has very little effect on people’s sexual connection. To help this couple (and many others) find the spark again, we worked experientially, with everything from kissing practice to communicating about their deepest fantasies. Communicating, however, wasn’t enough. We then had them practice with touch, tone of voice, what each person wanted to hear and how to pump up intensity. If you want to make your sex life last a lifetime, you can’t just shoot for “good enough”, you have to shoot for the moon, and create an atmosphere where there can be ongoing playfulness, passion and creativity.