We’re giving you an intimate glimpse into one woman’s quest to increase her libido, featuring excerpts from emails she wrote to close female friends as she worked with Celeste and Danielle in their Sex Therapy and Relationship Coaching practice.
In this second of five posts, we’ll look at what really helps women deal with their low sexual desire as she describes the transformation she and her husband went through. Our client writes:
“I knew logically that when we have great sex, so many other things are better – he is nicer to me and I am nicer to him, we have more fulfilling conversations, we play more joyfully with our son. I mean, who doesn’t want these things?!? So why were we sitting here nearly 2 decades into our relationship with my husband feeling like I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t desire sex in the way that he wanted? And was it going to be the thing that eventually destroyed our relationship?”
So she went to her OBGYN who told her that there really aren’t medications to solve this problem and the OBGYN recommended she contact a therapist, but they either weren’t available or not a good fit for her. Our client writes:
“My husband did what he does best and did some research online. And he found Celeste & Danielle, some fairly non-traditional Sex therapists. Most therapists focus on LOTS of talking and hopefully a moderately positive outcome. This one (Celeste & Danielle) focused on the transformative power of pleasure via exposing our vulnerabilities alongside a heavy dose of sex education.”
Lesson #1. Breathing… all the way down.
“Our first visit with the Sex therapist, we both shared our side of the story (VERY hard, LOTS of tears). She listened, connected with us, asked questions and even shed a tear herself. She comforted me and told me that as a female race, we’ve been taught OUR ENTIRE LIVES to keep it in our pants. She pointed out that that kind of brainwashing certainly makes it difficult to reconnect our mind with our pussy. Whether it’s that the initial infatuation period has worn off, or that work is stressful, or that the kids need attention, or that the dinner has to be made – it is SO EASY for us to focus on absolutely everything else other than our sexual needs and desires. She told me that most women have “low libido” which is just another way to say that we are disconnected from our sexuality. Try something right now. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out. Do you feel it down to your pussy? If you are like me a month ago, the answer is that you don’t. You take a deep breath in and out, and the sensation stops right in the middle of your torso. So take a moment, and try again. Take a REALLY deep breath in and out and connect it all the way down to your pussy. If you are like me a month ago, that was a really strange sensation. But it felt nice.”
“So what did our sex therapist ask us to do after that first appointment? Well, I had the brunt of the homework, or so my husband thought. I was to do little things – like when I walked outside and the air felt fresh and cool, or I liked the way the sky looked, or it was unusually warm, I was supposed to take a deep breath, all the way down to – you guessed it – my pussy. And yes, you say that word often enough and it heightens your awareness of your sexuality. I was also supposed to dress more slowly, to feel the sensation of the materials on my skin. As a couple, we were supposed to be more affectionate and playful. To greet each other more enthusiastically at the end of the day, to cuddle together, to have pillow fights. Finally, we were supposed to expand our sexuality outside of sex. To watch a Hollywood (not porn) movie together, to read erotica together. No connection to the act of sex itself, just to expand our awareness and enjoyment of each other’s sexuality.”
The bad and the good.
“I’ll be honest, there were days that didn’t go great. There were days I got upset about something at work, or how my husband handled something at home, or getting my period. But overall, the deep breaths and getting dressed slowly awakened something inside me that made it quite frankly, much easier to feel turned on in a way that I’ve never been able to do before. I’m not saying I automatically am thinking about sex a hundred times a day, it’s much more subtle than that. But I did start to find that these small moments throughout the day helped me realize I might not only want sex for my husband’s sake, or for logical reasons like connecting us more deeply, but I might want it for my own pleasure as well. I actually giggled one day riding home on the bike to realize that it must feel pretty damn good to be a guy and think like this all the time.”
“On a long run between our first and second appointments with our sex therapist, I asked my husband how he thought it was going. He mentioned that he thought it was going well from a results standpoint, but he felt he wasn’t really contributing. He felt it was all because of what I was doing on my own. I told him that I felt like we were trying to climb a mountain and that yes, part of establishing base camp was me connecting within myself, but that I really felt an equally important part was feeling wanted (not just for sex, but really truly loved and cared for) and we talked about how important I felt it was for him to show me this in a super exaggerated way. For instance, when he gets home at night, to dazzle me with a deep kiss and to hold me in his arms for more than a quick second. Not because he wanted sex that night, but just because he loves me. Or to skip his normal routine of heading to the office upon arriving home, and to instead sit with me while I prepared dinner and to talk to me about his day or my day or anything else. He tried hard to do these things since, and it’s been as essential as some of the other more overtly sexual homework.”
We love that our client is letting us share her journey with you because so many women want a more robust sex drive. And the next installment will be about sexual tension, which everyone wants more of!