Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

A few weeks ago we posted an article on Layering for Women – how creating a symphony of all-over body sensations combined with different kinds of pussy stimulation can give women longer, stronger orgasms. Layering is the idea that we can add many different layers of sensation and psychological stimulation to a sexual experience to create higher levels of pleasure and more intense orgasms.

Now it’s time for the guys to have a turn! As we always say, when it comes to men’s orgasms, they can range from plain-old-good to Oh-My-God. If you want to give men the orgasms that the hottest dreams and memories are made of, you will need to practice some layering as well. Layering starts bringing your energy to sex – the men we know and work with often complain that their partners wait passively to be pleased instead of coming after them with desire.

Layer #1 – Visual Stimulation

“Honestly, one of the things that gets me most turned on is just seeing my girlfriend naked. I get turned on when she gets out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom and I get to watch her ass as she walks away, knowing she’ll be back soon.”

Since many men are visually stimulated, one way to start is to give them something wonderful and sexy to look at. What they might want in this area can vary. Some men will really love it if you dress up in something sexy and do an erotic dance for them. Others will be much more interested and aroused watching you pleasure yourself for a while.

Either way, make sure that what you are doing is not a “show,” but something you feel really engaged in and can enjoy for yourself as well. If you are going to dance, dance for your pleasure, moving your body in ways that feel sexy to you and look at your partner with inviting eyes. If you are going to touch your body, touch for your pleasure, warming yourself up even as you warm up your partner with your sexiness.

Remember, women, if he has chosen you, it is because he thinks YOU ARE SEXY, so embrace the sexiness of your body exactly the way it is!

Layer #2 – Going After Them

“Women rarely make the first move on me, but I think it’s really hot and surprising when they do.”

Once you’ve tempted him with your beautiful body and sexual energy, it’s time to go after him with your desire. Kiss him passionately, and then kiss, lick, and bite his neck – you may need to turn him over so you get to the back of his neck and shoulders. Men generally don’t get very much all-over-body touching, so you can caress his body lightly front and back. If you really want him to feel your desire, make sure that you intersperse some good grabbing of his muscles and ass.

Layer #3 – Talking Dirty

“For me, if there’s no talk during sex, I’m like, ‘What’s the point?’”

Men love to hear all different kinds of dirty talk, and this layer really engages their sexual brain. They want to hear everything from how beautiful their cock is to what fantastic lovers they are. You can tell them dirty stories about a threesome where the two of you pick up a third, or tell them in a sexy way exactly what you want them to do to you. Don’t shy away from explicit language – just about any guys will light up when they hear how wet your pussy is for them.

Layer #4 – Don’t Neglect the Cock

“My wife loves my cock, no matter what else she’s doing, it seems like some part of her body is always touching my cock at the same time.”

While most women love a lot of touch before you go to her pussy, men are often ready for cock touch much sooner. The trick is to gently incorporate the cock without losing track of the rest of the body. You might use one of your hands to stroke his chest or back while using the other hand to begin to gently caress his cock and balls. Unfortunately, most penises get one kind of touch, a grab with an up and down motion, yet the penis can enjoy all kinds of layering.

Layer #5 – Focusing on Cock and Balls

“Balls often get neglected, I mean I know they aren’t pretty, but it’s crazy how intense it feels to have them licked, and I always keep them shaved just hoping she will include them.”

To layer sensation on the penis and balls you can use your tongue, your whole mouth, your fingertips or a combination of all of the above. If you are giving a blowjob, definitely let yourself be creative in the beginning, licking slowly, cupping his balls, stroking his thighs as you tease him. You can also suck his cock while moving your tongue side to side across the shaft. This creates an extra layer of sensation on his frenulum – the area of the penis right below the head of his cock. If you can do that while also gently stroking and playing with his balls, you’re there! For an extra bonus layer, get your finger wet and stroke his asshole. If he doesn’t pull away, try putting your finger inside as you go down on him.

Layer #6 – The Inside and Out of Intercourse

“It’s way hotter for me to hear my partner making sounds or touching me back than if they just lie there.”

Adding layers while he’s inside you can also increase the intensity of his orgasm. Your sexy noises and words, grabbing his ass, or using your nails on his back can all intensify sensation. Also, whether he is inside of your pussy or ass, giving his cock some extra squeezes with your PC or anal muscles might just send his orgasm through the roof. Some men like a finger in their ass when they are inside you as well. You can reach down and play with his balls while he is fucking you or stick your tongue deep inside his mouth.

Guys – we hope you enjoy all of the new layers your sweethearts give you once they read this article!

Love,
Celeste & Danielle

As this recent article on men’s experience of low sexual desire points out, women are not the only ones who suffer a lack of desire in their relationships. We see men in our practice suffering from low sexual desire for a number of reasons.

Can’t Come Through with the Goods

One of the main reasons we see men experiencing low desire that is talked about in the article is the fear that they won’t be able to perform. Usually they will say something like, “I don’t want to initiate sex if I’m not going to be able to come through with the goods.” Because they fear they won’t be able to get or maintain an erection or control their ejaculation, they start to distance themselves from their desire altogether. Of course, it is difficult to tell which comes first, it may be that men who have low desire have trouble getting an erection or it may be that erectile difficulties cause men to shut down their sexual desire – the answer is likely a reciprocal relationship and that a negative downward spiral is created as a result.

When we work with men who have sexual dysfunction, we teach them that there are many ways to come through with the goods and that, more than just a hard-on or a lasting session of intercourse, what many women want out of sex is to feel some kind of intensity and emotional connection. Once men accept that there are many ways emotionally and physically to come through with the goods without ever having intercourse at all, they can get back in touch with their desire.

If at First You Don’t Succeed (and then again, and again, and again), Eventually You Might Stop Trying

Another reason that’s not covered in the article is a long-term experience of rejection. This feeling of rejection may come from a lack of confidence when approaching women or from the experience of being with a partner who has low sexual desire. If a man makes pass after pass after pass only to feel rejected over and over again, his desire will start to wane and can even shut down completely. Generally, at the same time he also builds feelings of frustration and negative self-image.

When we see men who are dealing with feelings of rejection and incompetence, we help them in a few ways. One is to see if there may be some things they are doing that are increasing their likelihood of rejection. We help them learn how to seduce and erotically connect with their lovers and partners. Second, we help them get back in touch with their desire as something inherent to them that no one can take away, and help them see the ways that their partner’s rejection might not be personal or about them at all. Third, if their partner is willing to come in, we help them work through differences in desire, share openly about their sexual needs, and learn how to be great lovers to one another.

Lack of Attraction to Their Partner

As this article points out, some men never had or lose attraction to their partner over time and this can cause low desire for men in long-term monogamous relationships with a partner to whom they aren’t attracted. The loss of attraction can be due to familiarity or changes in their partner’s looks or body. Many times, men do not want to lose their long-term relationships because of the many wonderful aspects in the relationship, but have lost attraction to their partner. We have had many men confide in us that they no longer have or have never been attracted to their partner. They feel very stuck because they feel like communicating this would be devastating and, at the same time, they are not interested in sex.

For some men, this lack of attraction can shift by becoming more embodied and connected with desire that has less to do with visual stimulation and more to do with embodied arousal. Another option that some couples choose in this situation is to try non-monogamy, outsourcing the sexual part of the relationship in order to be able to enjoy a lasting and supportive long-term emotional bond.

Low Testosterone

Low testosterone can also lead to men having lower desire. While many men who have low testosterone immediately jump to taking testosterone replacement therapies, which can have some nasty side-effects, there are actually ways to build your testosterone naturally, including getting more in touch with pleasure in your body, masturbation (sometimes without orgasm), and lowering shame. To find out more about natural ways to build your testosterone, read our blog on The Big T.

And Many More…

Other reasons include emotional shut-down, exhaustion, chronic pain and other desire-inhibiting medical conditions. When we work with chronic pain, what seems to help the most is learning to focus the attention on the pleasure as opposed to the pain. And, of course, there are many ways that we work with emotional shut-down to get people to allow themselves to feel their bodies, their emotions, and their desire again. As for exhaustion, learning how to care for yourself is a life-long process. Everything you do affects you in all areas of your life, so the more you eat right, rest, take breaks, exercise, nap, take vacations, breathe, etc. the more desirous and healthy you will be!

With all that is going on in the world today, government shutdown and a challenging economy affecting your daily life and livelihood, it might be tough to get in the mood. Being a man in our culture is so tied up with being a good provider, when that’s in jeopardy your confidence can plummet like a bad day in the market. We know it can be hard to get it up when you’re down and the combination of feeling the pressure to provide and to be a great lover can be overwhelming. So listen up, men, we have an important message for you: It’s not what you do that makes us desire you, it is who you are! Having a hard-on is not the only way to have mind-blowing sex and the tough times are when you need touch, love, sex and connection more than anything. Please don’t stop reaching out – tell your sweetheart how you are doing, let them in, ask for what you need and let yourself connect with your partner no matter what your body is doing. Intimacy and the hormones released from sexual connection can remind you that you are still wonderful, even in the tough times!

In this last installment of our series on ED, we want to add that there are times when ED is actually a functional response to a dysfunctional situation. In other words, in cases of situational ED, it may be that your penis is actually giving you the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain. For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her). Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive, but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:

1) Identify your Feelings: you might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how thing are going.

2) Identify your Needs: you might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.

3) Identify your Boundaries: you might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.

4) Break the Silence: you might consider reading the books Cockfidence and Non-violent Communication in order to help you with identifying and sharing your feelings, needs and boundaries in a way that is most likely to be heard. You may even want to read these books together with your partner. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence. Feel free to send us an email, give us a call at (415) 336-3258 or get in touch with a therapist in your area. When shopping for a therapist, see if you can find anyone who has a somatic (body-based) or mindfulness-based approach and be picky. Make sure you feel good with whoever you work with.

In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!

 

In addition to performance anxiety, we find that those who suffer from Erectile Dysfunction also have anxiety that comes from a fear of and a pulling back from their own natural impulses towards sexual interaction and escalation. In others words, many men who suffer from ED suffer from an impulse control problem – not too little control, but TOO MUCH. While sexual desire is one of the most natural functions on the planet, what many men learn is that sexual desire is wrong, bad, and harmful to women. Unfortunately, these kinds of messages about sex, and especially the message that women don’t actually want sex, leave the “good guys” of the world, who want to please and don’t want to harm women, in a state of frozen impulses. There is little that is more anxiety-provoking than stopping your natural desires over and over and over again, especially in the face of a competing internal pressure to perform and please. In our work with men, we help them to unfreeze these impulses, and practice following their body’s own desires in a way that is also very pleasurable for their partners and connected with their partner’s bodies and desires. As the impulses begin to free up and men stop hesitating at every turn, their erections become more reliable and lasting. We hope, if you are dealing with ED that comes from too much impulse control, that you take some time to try fix Erectile Dysfunction the natural way first!

Step 1: Pay attention to your own sexual desires and impulses. Without any judgment as to what those desires are, notice the natural impulses that your body wants to follow in the face of those to whom you are attracted. Take some time to enjoy the aliveness in your body that comes from having those natural desires and impulses.

Step 2: Listen for the automatic messages. Notice what kinds of messages you say to yourself when you are having sexual impulses. Do you immediately question whether or not your partner wants your advances? Do you fear rejection or hurting someone by trying something new or different? Do you feel like you wait for permission for every escalation?

Step 3: Create conscious messages. Try out your own version of the following messages: “It is perfectly normal to have sexual desires.” “If my partner has chosen to be in a sexual relationship with me, it is very likely that she wants to feel my desire coming towards here” (research has shown that being desired is the top of the list in terms of what turns women on). “Just because my partner doesn’t want something I want, or doesn’t want sex right now, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want me or never wants sex.”

Step 4: Honor and follow your impulses. When you feel sexual desire or arousal, see if you can shorten the time between feeling the impulse and following it. Let your body do the thinking for you (yes, we are telling you to listen to your little brain – more on this in the next installment as well!), and seduce your partner instead of asking for permission. Follow her cues and stay at the edge of her boundaries without backing off at every slight sign of rejection, she may just be checking in with herself to see if she is feeling aroused as well. If she really isn’t interested, let her tell you directly.

When you follow your body’s natural impulses, your arousal will lead to its normal and natural outcome, a firm and lasting erection. You will feel the flow of your own desire in concert with your partner’s and share a circuit of pleasure that can build to the heights of intensity and satisfaction. Enjoy!

 

While it is well-known that ED can be caused by anxiety, most believe that this anxiety is all about performance – and yes, some of it is. Here’s an excerpt from Cockfidence about performance anxiety, edited to focus specifically on ED: It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. Once men experience a couple of erection failures, they begin to lose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety. What men don’t realize is that it is quite common, especially as they age, that erections are likely to come and go and not always be there exactly when you want them too. However, men put a tremendous amount of pressure on their bodies to always perform perfectly so that, long before intercourse even begins, at the first thought that it might be time to have sex, men become anxious and worried that they will not be able to get hard or stay hard. This anxiety constricts the blood vessels and keeps men in their minds and disconnected from their bodies, making it much more likely for ED to continue. You can take pressure off your cock by understanding what women really want from sex and learning how to drive your woman wild before you even take your pants off. To put it simply, what women really want from sex is an emotional experience. Women have sex to feel something! (To find out how to make them feel it all, check out Cockfidence!). They want to feel your desire and they want to feel you are fully present. If lose your erection and then feel guilty or ashamed you will likely distance from your partner and she may feel left alone or abandoned. Instead, if you really make her feel something and give her and her body all the attention it needs, she will be laying there, a puddle of post orgasmic bliss, with much less concern if sometimes you have an erection and sometimes you don’t. This way, you can take the pressure off of your cock as you continue to pursue better mastery. To pursue better mastery, you can directly confront the cycle of anxiety with a few simple steps:

1) Notice sensation in your body. Where is it feeling tight? Where is it feeling relaxed? Can you feel your arms and legs? Is there tightness in your chest or stomach?

2) Breathe. Practice Sexual Embodiment Breath (which can be found in Cockfidnece or on our Master Your Ejaculation Teleclass) Allow your body to unclench. Breathe directly into any parts that feel tight and imagine them releasing and relaxing with the breath.

3) Relax your mind. One way to do this is by giving yourself calming messages that help you unclench your body and let go of destructive and anxiety perpetuating thoughts. Instead of paying attention to what might be wrong, notice what is happening in your body with curiosity, not judgment. Try giving yourself positive messages around your body and pleasure like, “My body can give and receive pleasure just as it is” and “It feels good to touch and be touched.”

4) Connect with pleasurable sensation. Often, when you begin struggling with ED, you lose connection with the extraordinary pleasure sex can (and possibly once did) offer you. Continue breathing deeply and using the breath to connect you with any sensations in your body that feel arousing, erotic, sensual or pleasurable. Bring your mind into connection with your body by saying, “I can feel pleasure in my __________ (fill in the blank, i.e., hands, stomach).” Continue to relax and connect with that sensation. Focusing back toward pleasure can really help turn the tides of performance anxiety.

Countless men suffer from erectile dysfunction (or ED), the inability to get or maintain an erection. While many drugs, such as Viagra and Cialis, are available to mask the symptoms, they do not deal with the underlying causes of ED. For some men, these drugs are not an effective solution and for others, who have medical conditions that prohibit the use of performance-enhancing drugs, there can still be help. Also, there are some men out there who want to fix ED, but simply do not want to be reliant on a drug. While we are not against drugs as one possible pathway to greater confidence, we believe starting with more natural, holistic solutions should be first. We work with many men who deal with erectile dysfunction and want men to know that, for many of you, there are alternative solutions, especially when the root of erectile dysfunction is psychological as opposed to physiological.

One way to tell if you are dealing with psychological ED is if it is not across the board. In other words, if you feel comfortable and relaxed and have perfectly normal erections during masturbation but cannot get them with a partner, you are likely dealing with psychological ED. (Note: If you are having ED in all situations, even masturbation, make sure you get it checked out as it can be a sign of heart disease). We have found that psychological ED has at least 3 underlying roots and we are offering a short series explaining each of the roots and how to deal with them. It is also possible to be dealing with two or all three of the underlying causes at once. We believe you are the expert on your own life and sexual health. In reading these articles, you might consider which underlying causes of ED feel like they might apply to you. For partners of folks dealing with ED, take account of what you know about your partner, and see if any of these seem to fit. The three underlying causes that we have found are performance anxiety, impulse control (too much, not too little) and a functional response to a dysfunctional situation (where you have very good reasons NOT to be having sex with the person you are attempting to have it with and your penis knows better than you do). In our first installment, we will tell you about performance anxiety and how you can turn the tides. In our second installment, we will explain why too much impulse control short-circuits your body’s natural arousal mechanisms and how to get back in touch with and follow your instincts. In our third piece we will talk about how your penis can sometimes be smarter than you and how to start listening and taking seriously what it says!