Celeste and Danielle, Creators of the Somatica Method of Sex Therapy and Relationship Coaching

Some people choose to stay virgins until they are married while others who are interested in sex lack the skills and opportunity to lose their virginity, even when they feel ready and would like to. For these people, unfulfilled urges can combine with societal pressure, leading them to either resign themselves to a celibate life or settle for very subpar sexual encounters, in an effort to lose their virginity at any cost.

But there is another option for those looking to get into the game: sex and intimacy coaching. As sex coaches, we don’t just help people improve their existing sexual relationships, we give people the tools to start their sex lives with confidence, openness, and optimism. One of the virgins we worked with, we’ll call him Calvin, was afraid that women would be turned off by his inexperience in the bedroom. After taking our Erotic Intensive, his date said to him, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. Here he was a virgin and she thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good.

The research out there talks about inherent and social predictors of adult virginity, like race, weight, alcohol use, and education levels. In our practice, we have worked with many virgins to help them gain experience with women and lose their virginity, and we have noticed some personality traits that seem to go along with adult virginity. For example, some of the men who we have helped don’t understand women’s sexual cues, can’t approach or seduce women, and feel easily rejected or do not have much resilience around rejection. Other men, like Calvin, are worried about performance or do not have confidence about their sexual skills and fear that potential partners will be turned off if it seems like they don’t know what they are doing.

We have worked with adult virgins from age 21 to age 72 and would love to help any man gain the confidence, skills, and understanding they need to take their sexual experiences with women to the next level. Since men are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. In our sessions we focus on everything from getting dates to initiating contact, as well as the chemistry of attraction. We help men with seduction and technique, and teach them how to show women their desire and passion. Like Calvin, some men who have worked with with us decide to keep their virginity private and we feel you have a right to your privacy and a right to have a fulfilling sexual life.

As this recent article on men’s experience of low sexual desire points out, women are not the only ones who suffer a lack of desire in their relationships. We see men in our practice suffering from low sexual desire for a number of reasons.

Can’t Come Through with the Goods

One of the main reasons we see men experiencing low desire that is talked about in the article is the fear that they won’t be able to perform. Usually they will say something like, “I don’t want to initiate sex if I’m not going to be able to come through with the goods.” Because they fear they won’t be able to get or maintain an erection or control their ejaculation, they start to distance themselves from their desire altogether. Of course, it is difficult to tell which comes first, it may be that men who have low desire have trouble getting an erection or it may be that erectile difficulties cause men to shut down their sexual desire – the answer is likely a reciprocal relationship and that a negative downward spiral is created as a result.

When we work with men who have sexual dysfunction, we teach them that there are many ways to come through with the goods and that, more than just a hard-on or a lasting session of intercourse, what many women want out of sex is to feel some kind of intensity and emotional connection. Once men accept that there are many ways emotionally and physically to come through with the goods without ever having intercourse at all, they can get back in touch with their desire.

If at First You Don’t Succeed (and then again, and again, and again), Eventually You Might Stop Trying

Another reason that’s not covered in the article is a long-term experience of rejection. This feeling of rejection may come from a lack of confidence when approaching women or from the experience of being with a partner who has low sexual desire. If a man makes pass after pass after pass only to feel rejected over and over again, his desire will start to wane and can even shut down completely. Generally, at the same time he also builds feelings of frustration and negative self-image.

When we see men who are dealing with feelings of rejection and incompetence, we help them in a few ways. One is to see if there may be some things they are doing that are increasing their likelihood of rejection. We help them learn how to seduce and erotically connect with their lovers and partners. Second, we help them get back in touch with their desire as something inherent to them that no one can take away, and help them see the ways that their partner’s rejection might not be personal or about them at all. Third, if their partner is willing to come in, we help them work through differences in desire, share openly about their sexual needs, and learn how to be great lovers to one another.

Lack of Attraction to Their Partner

As this article points out, some men never had or lose attraction to their partner over time and this can cause low desire for men in long-term monogamous relationships with a partner to whom they aren’t attracted. The loss of attraction can be due to familiarity or changes in their partner’s looks or body. Many times, men do not want to lose their long-term relationships because of the many wonderful aspects in the relationship, but have lost attraction to their partner. We have had many men confide in us that they no longer have or have never been attracted to their partner. They feel very stuck because they feel like communicating this would be devastating and, at the same time, they are not interested in sex.

For some men, this lack of attraction can shift by becoming more embodied and connected with desire that has less to do with visual stimulation and more to do with embodied arousal. Another option that some couples choose in this situation is to try non-monogamy, outsourcing the sexual part of the relationship in order to be able to enjoy a lasting and supportive long-term emotional bond.

Low Testosterone

Low testosterone can also lead to men having lower desire. While many men who have low testosterone immediately jump to taking testosterone replacement therapies, which can have some nasty side-effects, there are actually ways to build your testosterone naturally, including getting more in touch with pleasure in your body, masturbation (sometimes without orgasm), and lowering shame. To find out more about natural ways to build your testosterone, read our blog on The Big T.

And Many More…

Other reasons include emotional shut-down, exhaustion, chronic pain and other desire-inhibiting medical conditions. When we work with chronic pain, what seems to help the most is learning to focus the attention on the pleasure as opposed to the pain. And, of course, there are many ways that we work with emotional shut-down to get people to allow themselves to feel their bodies, their emotions, and their desire again. As for exhaustion, learning how to care for yourself is a life-long process. Everything you do affects you in all areas of your life, so the more you eat right, rest, take breaks, exercise, nap, take vacations, breathe, etc. the more desirous and healthy you will be!

In an earlier blog we talked about why it’s important to talk with your partner very specifically about your sexual desires. We can’t emphasize enough how essential talking about sex is if you want your sex life to last and be fulfilling. Yet, because of our society’s general shaming about sex, just talking about our most mainstream desires for romance or passion can be challenging. For those of us who have less conventional sexual desires, talking about them can feel way more risky.

You might know exactly what turns you on the most, but fear that your partner will judge your desires or even be disgusted by them. In our work with individuals and couples, we have come across people who have all sorts of interesting desires, and you can see references to the wide variety of desires out in the world like this article from the Guardian about a young, slim woman who fantasizes about sex with older, obese men. Before even talking with your partner about your more unorthodox desires, we suggest you clarify for yourself exactly what your desires are and what you want from the conversation. We think it is helpful to look at your desires in terms of three categories.

Do It To Me – Sexy Acts

You might desire a specific act with your partner. For example, as a heterosexual man you might be embarrassed to ask for anal play because you fear your partner might think it is not masculine or is dirty. As a woman, you might want your partner to be more rough with you, like wanting them to slap your face.

Say It To Me – Sexy Words

You might desire to hear specific words from your partner. Maybe you want to feel like you are in trouble: “You are such a naughty boy and I’m going to whip you.” Or you want to hear that you are the queen and receive worshipful words: “I bow at your perfect feet your majesty and am at your command.” If you are wanting your partner to talk during sex, don’t leave it up to chance, give them the exact words that you want them to say and let them try those, as well as experiment with others in the same vein. Make sure that you have an agreement that you can give feedback and update the words if they start to get boring.

Play It With Me – Sexy Fantasies

With fantasies it is important to know whether or not you want to share them outside of sex, share them verbally during more conventional sexual experiences, or play them out. You can share your fantasies simply as a way to let your partner into some of the deepest, most private, and most vulnerable parts of yourself. Even if you don’t play them out, this can be a very connecting experience.

You might desire to say your fantasies to your partner during sex or have them tell you specific fantasies. For example, you might be really turned on by the idea of an orgy, but don’t actually want to experience group sex. Instead, you want your partner to walk you through the fantasy verbally: “Now imagine that we walk into this room full of really sexual people and they are all looking at you, thinking how much they want you. And, you stand there shyly at first, but soon you start to get a little bit more brave and you start seducing them all by slowly undressing.” Finally, you may want to actually play out your fantasies. You might want to play out a rape fantasy or buy a nice flogger, a blindfold and handcuffs and go as a couple to your local dungeon, where your partner can tie you to a cross and whip you and play with you in front of other people.

Bringing Up The Conversation

Once you have a good idea of what you want, it is time to take the very brave step of bringing it up with your partner. Since society tells us that certain desires are acceptable and others are wrong or shameful, it is very vulnerable to share our deepest desires especially if they are unconventional. There are many ways, both direct and indirect, to share. We think the best way is to invite your partner to a sexy conversation where the two of you agree to take an open, non-judgmental approach to hearing all of your partner’s desires and fantasies. Make sure that you both realize how vulnerable and brave to share in these ways.

In order to be open and non-judgmental, it is also extremely important that you remember that you have a right to your boundaries – if you are uncertain about boundaries, check out our series on boundaries. If there is something that your partner desires, first you want to accept and celebrate it and then you get to decide whether you want to participate, knowing that there may be some desires that you want to explore with them and others that you don’t.

Most people judge each other’s fantasies because they are afraid that they are required to meet all of their partner’s needs, however, you will never meet all your partner’s needs. The worst things you can do in the face of your partner’s desires are judge and try to shut them down or engage in activities that are too uncomfortable for you – judging will shut your partner down and having sex in ways you don’t want to will shut you down. If you keep your boundaries, allow yourself to be open to new experiences, and allow your partner to feel disappointment if there are parts you don’t want to do, that is the very best you can do in relationship.

We just finished teaching the 2013 Somatica Training. Our students reported that it was a powerful, life changing experience. We had such a wonderful time teaching and watching our students grow and transform in front of our eyes. We are very excited to spread the Somatica Method all over the US and around the world, and are looking forward to seeing the new Somatica practitioners bring their unique talents to helping people create mind-blowing sex and fulfilling relationships.

Here is some of the feedback that we got:

“This has been one of the best educational experiences of my life.”

“This class was life-changing. It touched on all the areas in my life that needed work and I feel like I had the tools and guidance I needed to make the necessary improvements so I can offer these tools to others. Celeste & Danielle are the real deal. They know their stuff and offer it in a way that anyone can learn the tools and strategies for not just a healthy sex life, but for a healthier LIFE.”

“Just amazing! I never felt a teacher being so open, vulnerable, funny, easy and absolutely brilliant.”

“The Somatica Training was invaluable in providing me with a framework to work with clients on sex and intimacy. Tantra and Sexological Bodywork provided me with embodiment skills and understanding the importance of breath, sound and movement. Somatica provides the missing element, which is central to human sexuality, of emotional connection in an embodied state. Somatica is the glue that holds all of my training and education in sexuality together!”

“I honestly can’t imagine any other training that could move and inspire so much compassion and self-love. There’s nothing in my life that compares to Somatica.”

“Coming from the MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy) world I felt lots of arenas around sexuality did not ever get discussed. After taking this class I have learned not only about how to help my clients, I also learned so much about myself in relationships. It is incredible that we can go through life so disconnected and not even know. For anyone looking to better understand themselves in relationship or by themselves, I highly recommend this course. It will challenge you in the most profound way.”

“Really amazing and life-changing. So different from anything I’ve done. Celeste & Danielle have a way of articulating things that’s at once profound and straightforward. Everything is so applicable to what’s going on with me in my life.”

Are you a professional in the therapy, sexuality or sexological bodywork field, or someone who wants to share their sex-positive attitude through a career helping clients have the healthiest, happiest sex lives possible? Expand your professional skill set, grow your erotic repertoire, and spread the love with The Somatica Method. Apply for a seat in our 2014 Somatica Method Training today!

Women’s pleasure potential is through the roof, yet most women get nowhere near reaching it. We want to put the power of pleasure in your hands by helping you know your body, how it works, and what is possible. Once you know what is on the menu, you can choose the dishes you like best and that feel best in your body.

We want you to have all the delicious orgasms you can, but first a brief history of the facts and politics of women’s orgasms. If you remember nothing else, remember that 70% of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Historically, Freud said that the only mature orgasm was a “vaginal orgasm.” Later, feminists fought for the clitoris, contenting that there was no such thing as a vaginal orgasm. More recently, we’ve learned that women can have orgasms that originate from three different places – the clitoris, the G-Spot, and the cervix. Some women get even more pleasure from combination orgasms, where two or more of these areas are being stimulated at the same time.

As sex and relationship coaches, the most important lesson we teach women is that every orgasm is a mature orgasm. Whether you get it from your fingers, your partner’s fingers, your partners mouth, your vibrator, or your partner’s pelvis/penis, celebrate and enjoy every second of it!

Warm Up

You are not going to get to any of these great orgasms unless your body and your mind has enough warm up. Check out our recent Huffington Post article 3 Ways to Get Excited to get some warm up tips! In addition, make sure that you ask your partner to kiss, lightly touch, and grab you while whispering adoration or fantasies in your ear.

No Pressure!

Your body will not respond well to pressure, so think of your pleasure potential journey as an exploration – instead of trying to reach the goal of having all the different kinds of orgasms, think of it as a way to learn what your body enjoys the most. Let’s put it this way, you can spend the rest of your life wishing you had the “right” kind of orgasms or you can spend it fully enjoying the ones you can actually have. We know which one we would choose!

Clitoral Orgasms

The easiest way to get a clitoral orgasm is by stimulating the clitoris yourself – usually starting slowly then getting much quicker – with your own fingers or a vibrator. Get a vibrator with multiple settings so you can start light and work your way up to just right! The next best way is to have your partner use their fingers or tongue. You can also get a clitoral orgasm from intercourse – when your partner’s pelvis rubs against the clitoris or the movement in and out pulls the lips of the clitoris across the hood. But for most women this may not be enough to result in orgasm because the stimulation is more intermittent and indirect. If you want to dramatically increase your likelihood of having an orgasm during intercourse use your fingers or your vibrator during the act.

G-Spot Orgasms

G-Spot orgasms come from pressure and movement across the inside of your vagina right past the urethral sponge. For most people, the best way to find it is to have your partner go inside with their fingers a little past the knuckles and then hook their fingers upwards. For most women the best G-Spot tool is their partner’s fingers – fingers are both sensitive and skillful. When your partner uses their fingers, while you direct them and give them feedback, they can moderate the location, pressure and speed of their touch – all very important for your ability to get a G-Spot orgasm.

If you try stimulating the G-Spot and don’t feel much at the first few times don’t give up. It takes time and repetition to awaken and sensitize the G-Spot. Also the G-Spot can generally take more pressure than most folks think, so invite harder, faster pressure and see how it feels. G-Spot sensation can be very intense and unfamiliar at first and might make you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, but you don’t! G-Spot pressure can lead to female ejaculation – yes ladies, it is a real thing! Try to stay with the intensity and add some clitoral stimulation or warm up with a clitoral orgasm before your partner uses their fingers on your G-Spot.

Cervical Orgasms

Cervical orgasms come from stimulation on your cervix – the opening of your uterus – located deep inside your vagina. The best tools for the cervix are a penis, a toy, or long fingers. Some women have a very sensitive cervix and can only take very light pressure while others like very hard pressure. The cervix is also a great candidate for combination orgasms: try giving yourself some clitoral touch or vibrations at the same time as your cervix is stimulated.

We hope you will continue to find out all about your body and how it works so you can have the most pleasurable sex life possible!

Women, do you know what men do so much better than us overall? They shut out the rest of the world when it is time for sex! We women, on the other hand, can get very distracted during sex, which is one of the reasons that we don’t get aroused or have orgasms as easily. Our distraction during sex is not surprising. From an early age we are taught that sex is not for us and that women who are very interested in sex or display their sexuality are sluts. This slut-shaming causes us to turn off our connection to our sexuality and desire which makes it very hard to get excited during sex.

In our practice as sex and relationship coaches, we help women get reconnected to their sexuality and desire all the time. In our work we have found that, in order for you to get turned on and have intense orgasms, you need to get into your body, allow your arousal to rise and fall, and focus on sexy thoughts and fantasies. If you are waiting passively for your partner to excite you, you might just wait forever. With these three tools, you can take matters into your own hands!

Get Into Your Body

When women first start engaging in sex, we usually go quickly into trying to connect with and please our partners before we even connect to ourselves and our own body. When you start having sex, you need to get into yourself first. This might sound selfish, but since your arousal is the biggest gift you can give to your partner during sex, getting into yourself first is actually quite generous.

To get into your body during sex, take some time at the beginning to let your partner give you light, sexy touch while you take slow, deep breaths. You may need to close your eyes at first to really feel your body. Next, tune into the sensations in your body and start to make the connection with your pelvic floor — you can do this by focusing on your pelvic floor or doing Kegel (PC squeezes). Finally, start to move your body and make sounds in ways that enhance your pleasure and engagement.

Get Your Head in the Game

If you really want to get hot during sex you can begin feeding yourself with images and stories that get your juices flowing. The more you think about sex the more you want it. One of the most effective ways you can start getting yourself fully engaged in sex is by finding out what turns you on and asking for it or thinking about it when you are begin engaging in sex. So where can you find these sexy stories, images and ideas? Well, most women tell us they are not that into porn, and we understand! The videos and images that turn us on the most don’t come from porn, they come from highly erotic but non-pornographic movies.

Women get aroused much more from the psychological aspects of a scene or plot and much less by certain body parts moving in and out of other body parts. Whether you fantasize a lot or not at all, the brain loves new inspiration so we suggest you check out some movies or stories, either by yourself or with your lover, that you can use to lubricate your brain and get your head ready and excited for sex! Some of our favorites include Unfaithful, Secretary, and Wild Orchid. You might also check out some real-life women’s fantasies in Women on Top by Nancy Friday. Once you have a good idea of what turns you on, tell your partner or share some scenes and stories — you can do this in bed or as a warm-up before you even get started!

Don’t Panic When Your Arousal Goes Down

In bed, we often compare ourselves to men and think that we should just get aroused and that our arousal should build steadily until we orgasm. The truth is, women’s arousal takes some time to get started and goes up and down during a sexual experience. If we don’t get worried or preoccupied when it goes down, it can come right back up!

Let us know what stories and movies turn you on the most!

This blog post was published in Huffington Post, you can read it there and see some of the comments and conversations that it evoked.

You can read here what one study found.

If we were to hazard a guess, we would say that about 90% of women don’t find penis size to be that important. The other 10% of women, the ones we lovingly call “size queens,” are women who need a larger size penis in order to have their best orgasms. We can’t believe that people still call non-clitoral orgasms vaginal orgasms, but they do in this article. We just want to remind you that what they call “vaginal orgasms,” we know are G-spot or cervical orgasms.

The 10%

You G-spot oriented ladies – and you know who you are – often get more pleasure if your man has some girth (it’s nice and wide). Length, on the other hand is for you ladies who get off from your cervix. A penis can also be too big – some women have very sensitive cervices and too much pressure on them can be painful, while other women have small vaginas and can’t take an overly long or thick penis.

The 90%

Much more important than penis size, most women want to feel something emotionally from sex. We look for intense erotic energy, feeling our partner’s desire, and being passionately seduced. We want someone who is present and attentive with good technique across the board much more than just having a large penis moving in and out. If you are looking to improve your sex life, before you fall for any phony enlargement tools, find out how to be an emotionally present, powerful, and confident lover who gives great touch! Find your Cockfidence!