Protecting your partner from something potentially damaging or hurtful sends a powerful message to your partner that you don’t trust them. Regardless of how important it is for you to keep things flowing along smoothly, relationships experience and need to be able to survive the natural ups and downs of life. Disappointment and elation, frustration and contentment, anger and happiness are all part of a healthy, lasting relationship. Keeping secrets to save the relationship or your partner from disappointment, frustration or anger, or any of the emotions some judge as “negative” – is not allowing the richness and fulness of a relationship. Keeping important information away from others (in any relationship) narrows the spectrum of emotional sharing and, by letting your fears close you off, you begin pattern of closing yourself off in general. Allowing yourself privacy and boundaries is a great thing, but as Dr. Tammy Nelson writes, negotiate what you want to be a part of your relationship and what is safe for the relationship in terms of “Privacy” – in other words, keep mindful watch as to what you are keeping from your partner, and much more importantly – WHY you are keeping it from them. It could be keeping you from a richer relationship full of growth and true connection!
Where Does Privacy End And Secrecy Begin In Relationships?
December 15th, 2011 § 1 comment § permalink
Fairness In The Bedroom
December 9th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
People come to us all the time feeling guilty about their needs in the bedroom. Instead of being really clear about what they want and seeing whether their partner is up for it or not, they don’t ask at all or only ask for a small percentage of what they need, feeling that everything in the bedroom needs to be tit for tat.
Our clients, let’s call them Sean and Carmen, were a perfect example of this. Carmen really enjoys receiving touch and needs plenty all-over body caressing, grabbing, and kissing in order to get to the height of her arousal, yet she felt really guilty about her desire to receive and her lack of interest in caressing Sean back. In separate sessions, she shared this while her partner Sean admitted somewhat shyly that what he loved more than anything was giving, and that he felt most turned on by previous partners who had acted like a queen the bedroom. He was a bit disappointed that Carmen was always trying to give back equally and continued trying to ask her for what she wanted, to no avail. Once we finally created a space for them to have an open conversation, they couldn’t believe they had spent 19 years of marriage never talking about their real desires. They happen to be a perfect match.
Of course, not every couple who comes with us fits as perfectly as Sean and Carmen. When going to the “negotiating table” with your partner over all things sex-related and otherwise, why not start by asking for 100% of what you want, encouraging them to do the same and then seeing what is possible in relationship to each of your desires and boundaries. Think about it, if you start by asking for 50% and then compromise, you will probably end up with 30% and 30% is not enough. If you ask for 100%, first of all, you just might get it. Secondly, you have a much greater chance of getting at least 70% or 80% which, for most of us, is plenty! Sometimes, the thought of asking for what you really want can bring up fear of judgement or insecurities, if you need help, we are here!
One final thought: when it comes to differing needs and capacities around sex, unlike in other areas of your life, if you are choosing monogamy, there is no option to outsource those needs. Stay tuned to our blog for an upcoming series on Commitment, Monogamy and Cheating to find out about how couples handle differing desires in both monogamous and non-monogamous agreements and what you can do if you are a couple experiencing differing needs and capacities around sex.
Fair or Fulfilling – What kind of relationship do you want?
December 6th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
Relationships aren’t fair. In our practice, we see a lot of hurt come from the idea that people are supposed to have perfect equality in relationship on everything from work to child-rearing, from emotional support to time with friends. What the idea of fairness misses is the fact that any two people in a relationship have very different Needs and very different Capacities. For example, we saw a couple, let’s call them Bob and Susan – Bob had a very high need for interpersonal connection both inside and outside of the relationship. He loved spending intimate time with his wife and he also found spending time with his friends, his hiking group and his extended family extremely fulfilling, yet he spent almost all of his time alone with Susan. In talking through it, we found that Susan was much more of an introvert, and really didn’t want to spend time with other people much. He felt that this was bad for her and constantly tried to get her to go places with him. She would agree and cancel at the last minute, and he would feel bad and would stay home with her instead of going out himself, building frustration, resentment and some depression in the process. She, on the other hand, was delighted when he would go by himself and come home with fun stories to share. Once he realized that her introversion was not a sickness and that she was ok with him being with friends and family, he began to feel much more free to take the time he needed with friends, social hobbies and family instead of trying to make things fair.
Another example were a couple who we will call Chelsea and Paco – Paco was one of the most hard workers we had ever seen – he loved his business and seemed to thrive on his success. Chelsea was also an extremely hard worker, in the process of trying to make partner in a law firm. However, unlike Paco, the amount she was working seemed to be literally killing her. She was getting sick constantly, losing weight from her already too-skinny frame, and felt worn out all the time – they came to us because, not surprisingly, she had almost no libido. The problem was that she felt obligated to work as hard and earn as much as Paco, even though she clearly had a different capacity. Paco was beside himself because he was much more interested in a healthy wife and felt completely comfortable with the idea of her going part time if it meant she might be happy, healthy and horny again. It took a while to realize that what made her important wasn’t about earning the same as Paco, but about just being herself – that he loved her for her and didn’t need her to kill herself in order to do it. When she finally decided to go part time, she began feeling healthy and excited about life and about Paco again. The bottom line is that it is actually impossible to measure the things that each person offers in a relationship, however, taking some time to be honest with yourself and your partner about your actual needs and capacities will really help you work as a true team, where you make room for the differences and where each of your strengths can shine!
We suggest you look at the following topics: housework, child-rearing, earning, emotional work (keeping connections and sharing and supporting feelings in the immediate family, the extended family and with friends), and sexual relationship. If you find resentments or frustrations in the differences between you and your partner, send us an email at info@celesteanddanielle.com, we’d love to help! Also, stay tuned for our upcoming blog on Fairness in the Bedroom!
Get Your Buzz On – How Adult Toys Can Help Your Relationship.
November 8th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
We have invited Jamie Platt, a sex toy expert from TheAdultToyShoppe.com, to give us some of fabulous ideas about vibrators. Here’s the news!
Ask many women and they will all agree that good sex becomes great sex when you have a little helper at hand. The use of sex toys is becoming more and more popular as couples experience how incredible it feels to share this naughty pleasure.
Before you take the plunge, it’s important to know what you want to bring into the bedroom. If you look at vibrators for example, there are at least a dozen different styles. Read an adult pleasure product guide to educate yourself on the different styles of sex toys to determine which will best be incorporated into your routine. There are a hundred different styles for a hundred different personality types and if you’re matched with the correct item, sex will never be the same ever again!Transgender Love On Oprah
November 4th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
The author of the original article at home with her fiancé.
What Happens When You Find the One…And He’s Nothing—Nothing—Like You Expected? is a recently posted article on the Oprah website. We love this article because it really emphasizes the fact that people fall in love with people and there is no right combination of genders or genitals. Love is really about the feeling you get when you are with someone who really touches your heart and your life in positive, life-affirming ways. We are also glad that some mainstream media approaches a topic like loving a trans man from a place of acceptance and support of people of all genders and sexualities.
Monogamy: Just One Item On The Menu?
October 27th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
The article When Monogamy Is a Cop-Out: Why Follow Society’s Rules About Sex? touches on some interesting points about choices we make in our relationships. Aside from the oversimplification around who might be interested in non-monogamy (there’s more to it than that men want to spread their seed and women want to make nests as has been noted in studies of our fellow primates, for example female chimpanzees have sex with multiple partners during ovulation in order to ensure that there will be many fathers interested in caring for their young), we really like this article. Monogamy does seem to be the default for most couples and, when offered the choice of non-monogamy, most people say, “But, does that really ever work?” The truth is, sometimes monogamy works and sometimes it doesn’t (50% of marriages end in divorce) and sometimes open relationships work and sometimes they don’t. As a default, monogamy can lead to resentment, a feeling of being trapped, and a lack of communication around each persons desires. Often those in relationship say nothing to a partner about what they desire, shielding these vulnerabilities behind the ideal of monogamy, instead of asking for what they want so as to avoid their partners fears or disapproval. We encourage everyone – from those in their 50th year in marriage to those dating – to approach monogamy as just one of the items on the menu, not as the only thing possible. It might be what you end up choosing, and then you can feel great about it!
Oh The Places Your Senses Will Take You
October 25th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
We got this in response to our blog post on the 5 senses and just had to share this reader’s beautiful experience with you:Yogasm? Yes Please
October 20th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
Are Yogasms Real? Seems like more and more yoga enthusiasts are admitting to them.
Nothing like strengthening those PC muscles and adding in a bit of yogic breathing to make your yoga practice that much more pleasurable. Perhaps if you practice regularly you can start having spontaneous orgasms wherever you are!
Why Orgasms Are Good For You
October 18th, 2011 § 1 comment § permalink
An Orgasm is Good For You! As if there was not enough reasons to give yourself (many!) orgasms, now there’s a few more. Lower tension and blood pressure, better sleep, and even less cravings and addictive behaviors. This article does have some slightly inaccurate info on non-clitoral orgasms, and the differences in feelings that come from clitoral vs. G-Spot orgasms – to be clear, even when you are having both your clitoris and G-spot stimulated at the same time, you can generally tell whether your orgasm is more centered in the clitoris or G-Spot, because you can feel where the sensation originates (externally vs. internally). Also, clitoral orgasms generally feel like a building of centralized tension followed by a release, while G-Spot orgasms usually feel more like waves spreading throughout the whole body (and often through the throat which is why they can be quite loud). Science may be able to identify what a particular orgasm does or it’s mechanism for progressing, but ultimately, you know what feels good to your body. We encourage you to explore your body, do what feels good, and do your own research — not just into your orgasm, but into all the ways you feel pleasure!
Enhancing Your Sexual Experiences through Your Five Senses
October 13th, 2011 § 0 comments § permalink
We love involving more and more of the whole body in a sexual experience, as this article suggests, and when you engage your senses everywhere you go, like can be one big sexy adventure. Embodiment through sensual engagement is not just a foundation for the work that we do in sessions, but ultimately for everything we do out in the world. Eating ice cream or watching leaves ripple on a tree on a windy day can be extremely arousing and sexy, especially when you allow all of your senses to feed into and connect with your sexual desire.