Frequently Asked Sex Therapy Questions
How is what you do different from other types of sex therapy?
Traditional sex therapy often focuses on sexuality from a medical or dysfunction-based viewpoint. Sex therapy usually ends when things are “OK” and rarely shoots for “great,” “mind-blowing” or “out-of-this-world” sex. Often, problem-resolution takes a long time and rarely goes into enhancement or expansion around sexuality. Like some traditional sex therapists, we are highly educated and trained sexologists so we can provide you with all of the research-based information that a sex therapist can provide. While many sex therapists resort to using books and videos, we go beyond homework because people don’t always do their homework and, even when they do, they can’t necessarily see what might be missing in their interactions. Because of this, we offer experiential and hands-on education in sessions, so we can see what is missing which results in us being able to offer more specific and accurate practices for change. This creates much quicker, more effective and lasting transformation and a sense of mastery that will transform your daily life.
Do you teach Tantra?
Tantra is a three-phased spiritual path that takes years to master. In the West, most Tantra teachers and workshops do not teach the full path, instead, they teach a small segment that focuses on sexuality, massage, and breathing. While we incorporate some Tantric ideas and methods into our teachings, such as experiencing the world through all of your senses, we do not believe that any kind of sexual expression is the best and don’t insist that you adopt a new language or complicated types of breathing. Instead, we invite you to celebrate your sexuality as an expression of your personal freedom. We will support you in exploring your sexuality the way that you want to without judgment, and we will encourage you to find your own places of comfort, joy and expansion.
You are sex and relationship coaches. How is that different from other coaches?
There are many people out there calling themselves life coaches and some of them are quite good, especially if you already have a good idea of what you want to do. Unfortunately, most people begin pursuing a path before really getting in touch with their deepest and most important desires. Our coaching begins by connecting you with your sexuality and helping you tap into your heartfelt desires, desires that may have been ridiculed or that you may have denied yourself in the past. Because we begin with desire and pleasure instead of jumping right into goals, our coaching will help you experience the most pleasurable life you can, and help you expand your ideas of what is possible for you. Additionally, very few coaches are trained to deal with sexuality, while we are highly trained experts in the field of sexuality and the coaching we offer can help you transform every aspect of your life, from your sexual connection and relationship to your personal and professional life.
There are a lot of different sexuality workshops out there. Why should I take yours?
The Bay Area is full of sexuality-related workshops, however, most teachers do not have a degree and have never studied sexuality. Unfortunately, this often results in teaching medically incorrect or contradictory information, such as incorrectly defining orgasm. Because we have studied sexuality from academic, therapeutic and experiential perspectives, we base all of our teachings on research, while at the same time offering hands-on, experiential learning opportunities. We are also capable of dealing with emotional issues that can arise in our workshops/coaching. Additionally, while other teachers may expect you to conform your sexual behaviors and desires to their belief system, with little respect for individual choice or freedom, in our coaching and workshops we emphasize the importance of boundaries, comfort and personal choice, while you explore new and exciting experiences.
Can’t I just go out and buy my partner a new toy or rent a movie to make our sex life more exciting again?
Bringing in a new sex toy can be great fun, however, the process of choosing the right toy can be filled with a lot of trial and error, mostly because people don’t have a lot of information about how their bodies, pleasure and orgasms work and which toys would be best for them. In our workshops and individual coaching we teach men and women all about their bodies, help them discover what kinds of orgasms are possible for them and how to choose, embrace and effectively use sex toys. As for bringing in new experiences like porn, fantasy or other kinds of experimental enhancements, sometimes negotiating these new experiences can be difficult and filled with misunderstanding. One partner may get their feelings hurt, thinking that they are not enough or there may be judgments. We help you talk openly and honestly about your desires, negotiate desires and boundaries and embrace experimentation, so that you can talk about what you really want without shame or guilt. We have seen couple’s sex lives explode with new passions and enjoyments after only a few coaching sessions.
I noticed that you teach a course for men on how to become an extraordinary lover. Can’t I just get a book that will teach me that?
Yes, you can start with Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lovers Guide to Being the Man you Want to Be and Driving Women Wild, which will give you tremendous insight into both yourself and the women you are with and goes far beyond just offering a set of new techniques, which is what most sex advice books focus on. At the same time, you may want to check out a workshop because becoming an extraordinary lover to women takes practice and real-time, honest feedback from women who know what women want. In our workshops we teach you the 9 qualities of an extraordinary lover, and, more importantly, you get to practice all of these qualities and get personal feedback about how you come across to women. We teach you how to apply new sexual techniques differently with different women by reading their non-verbal cues and learning how to elicit feedback. This is the quickest way to advance in your lovemaking skills. Don’t spend years in trial and error when you can spend a single day and come out an extraordinary lover.
Are you Sexological Bodyworkers?
We are Certified Sexological Bodyworkers, and also Professors who train new Sexological Bodyworkers at the Institute for Advanced Study of Sexuality. The certificate means that the Institute is approved by the State of California to offer training in the body-based work we use with our clients. We also differ from other Sexological Bodyworkers in that we use many other therapeutic approaches including The Somatica Method of sex and relationship coaching, which we developed; The Hakomi Method of therapy; a combination of traditional and somatic sex coaching approaches; role-play, real-time experience and feedback and many other talk, experiential and body-based methods to help you experience the most transformation in the shortest period of time.
I am very health conscious: I eat healthy, practice yoga and meditation, and use alternative healing approaches such as acupuncture, and herbs. I am very much in my body. What does your coaching offer someone like me?
We also believe in the power of alternative approaches to health, particularly in their focus on holistic solutions that take account of every part of your being. Practices such as yoga and meditation can deeply enhance your life, yet they may never touch on your sexual or erotic life. Thus, we work in conjunction with your practices to support you in expanding sexual and sensual pleasure in your daily lives. We teach you how to experience more joy and comfort in your body and learn to fully give, receive, and relax into pleasure because we know that nurturing your life force is the best preventative medicine there is!
My doctor told me that in order to get hard I would need to use a drug. Can your coaching help me experience this without medical intervention?
While it is true that some types of sexual difficulties can be rooted in physiological problems such as hormonal imbalances or limited blood flow, many of them also have a mental component or can be overcome through getting more in touch with the body. Medical doctors will often jump immediately to prescription drugs because they are not aware of alternative approaches. Often erectile problems can be overcome by lowering anxiety, tuning into sensation and releasing shame and other emotional blocks. We have had a great deal of success helping clients to get and maintain erections without medication. We have a number of articles in our blog that talk about sexual mastery and erectile dysfunction (ED).
Why don’t I just take a vacation with my partner, won’t that bring the spark back?
Vacations are wonderful, take as many as you can! At the same time, while a vacation may temporarily bring back the spark, this is often a short-term fix instead of a long-term solution. If you want a deeply fulfilling, satisfying and long-lasting sexual connection with your partner, you will need to learn how to bring passion back into your day to day life so that everyday can be full of sensuality and desire. In our Couple’s Sex and Relationship Coaching and our Passionate Vacations for couples, we teach you how to weave passion, connection, intimacy and excitement into your life and to keep the spark alive whether you have just started a relationship or have been together for 20 years.