Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Flirting is a very vulnerable endeavor – to flirt is to open up your desirous, erotic parts to connect with another’s. Opening up and allowing your erotic energy to flow is a big part of what makes it so energizing and exciting. At the same time, no one wants to experience the feelings of rejection that can result from a rebuffed flirt attempt. Whether you are flirting with a new acquaintance or a long-time partner, give yourself tons of gentleness and loving support knowing you are willing to take a risk in order to live your life to the fullest.

Because we want your flirting attempts to be as successful as possible, we want to share what we’ve learned about flirting as sex and relationship coaches and flirts in the world. In our next article, we will reveal our top three secrets to successful flirting. But first, here are a few of the worst flirting mistakes to avoid on your way to becoming a masterful flirt.

#1 Avoiding Flirting Altogether or Relying Too Heavily on Tech Flirting

Because flirting is so vulnerable, and for fear of being slut-shamed or creep-shamed (more about this later), some people avoid flirting altogether. Others avoid the fear of face-to-face flirting by relying on technology as their only flirting medium. They may be great at flirting over Tinder or text, but once you meet them face-to-face, they nervously ask you question after question, without ever pausing long enough in the conversation to catch your eye or take you in. Flirting is scary and not everyone will be available to connect with what you are putting out, but no one can connect if there is no energy at all.

Once, when Celeste asked a date why he didn’t bring any flirtatious energy on a first date, he said, “I think of this as date zero, I don’t want the women I date to be scared away by my sexual energy.” Date zero was an apt name, as there was zero chemistry building and nowhere to go from there. This is not a judgement; many heterosexual men are especially afraid to bring their erotic energy on a first date. Yet, in order to want to go on, women definitely need to feel desired without feeling overwhelmed. This means that flirting is required.

In long-term relationships, people often become very complacent, and treat their sweetheart more like a business partner or co-parent than a lover. Even if you flirted when you first got together, you might feel like it’s silly or stupid to flirt now that you know each other so well so you or your partner may avoid it. This is a huge mistake and probably one of the reasons so many couples have sexless marriages or separate. In order to keep that spark alive and to make all the challenges of long-term relating worth it, you need to play with the desire and anticipation that come from having an ongoing flirting relationship with your sweetie.

#2 Trying to be Someone You’re Not

Some people feel like, in order to flirt, they need to first develop a different personality. If you bypass your authentic style and push yourself to flirt in a non-youish way, then you are likely to miss potential connections completely. In order to create a flirt circuit (which we will teach you how to do in our next article), you must be present in the interaction. Many shy people or people who get nervous think that they have to completely overcome their shyness or nervousness to be an amazing flirt – we strongly disagree. Whether you are a woman or a man, shy flirting can be very sexy! There is something infinitely brave about letting yourself connect while still allowing your shyness and nervousness to be there. A shaky lip, averted glance, or nervous laugh shows your vulnerability to your flirtmate and allows them into your tender parts – it is both endearing and arousing.

#3 Falling into the “Creepy” or “Desperate” Category

While you might think that avoiding flirting altogether is the worst flirting mistake you can make, there is one mistake that is even more dreadful – falling into the creepy or desperate category. The way to avoid being labeled creepy or desperate is to learn how to masterfully share your erotic energy without spilling it all over your flirtmate. If you give too many compliments, laugh way too loud at every joke or seep the other person in double entendres, they will likely label you as desperate or a creep. We have so much compassion for men; some women will put you in the creepy category even if you are an amazing flirt, just because they have decided they are not, and never will be, attracted to you. For women, feeling desperate often comes from not knowing how wonderful you are and learning how to be a subtle flirt can really help. In any case, make sure to treat yourself gently when you feel rejected – and remember how amazing you are for bravely trying!

Now that you know what mistakes to avoid in flirting, stay tuned for our next article on what flirting really is (and isn’t) plus our top 3 secrets of being a successful flirt.

Now that you know what not to do, want to learn the secrets of how to flirt well?! Join us for our Flirting Your Way To Success workshop in Berkeley on October 1st. Find out more and sign up HERE!

Another installment in our guest blogging series, we are delighted to share Pam‘s blog. Pam is a Somatica Practitioner and the author of the deeply profound and personal blog Down to There.

What I Learned about my Relationship with a Third Set of Eyes

Here’s the thing. My husband notices certain traits about himself and how he is in our relationship, and I see another set of qualities in myself and how I am in our relationship. But when we started seeing a sex and relationship coach, a whole new set of observations suddenly entered into the equation… and that changed everything.

A few years ago, after nearly two decades of mismatched libidos, my husband and I sought help to save our relationship from what felt like a frustrating stalemate.

Right away, Danielle began to point out things that we were not seeing. For example, when I reached out to touch him, she noticed I was trying to figure out what he liked. Without her birds-eye view of the interaction, we would have stayed the course with him enjoying being touched, and me thinking I was happy because I was giving him what he needed. But she asked me to try something different. She asked me to touch him in a way that was pleasurable for me without any conscious concern of whether it was pleasurable for him. I was surprised how completely different and more intimate the experience became for both of us.

It’s funny how hard it is to see things objectively when we are so in it. You’d think that by being so close to a situation that you’d be the expert, the one who really understands the best what is going on. However, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we need a third set of eyes on the problem.

This played out again more recently when my husband was expressing that he’d like to take more control in our sexual interactions. Following my lead had been successful to supercharge my libido for some time, but he felt like he had lost control in his sex like and desired to take charge, at least some of the time.

As luck would have it, I was also interested in my husband taking more control. But whenever he tried to lead, it never ended well. Our actions and reactions kept triggering each other and the encounter always ended up falling apart with one of us being angry and the other being hurt.

So Danielle suggested trying something in her office. She had him stalk me and then pin me up against the wall to see where we were getting stuck. As usual, what initially felt to me like “Oh yeah, this is what I’m talking about!” quickly and strangely shifted into a weird space where he stopped bringing it and it stopped feeling good to me.

We both turned our heads towards Danielle and said “See?” And in the beautiful way that she does, she said “This is a problem of immersion.” What she noticed that we hadn’t was that both of us were in our heads, not our bodies. We were carefully watching each other for signs that it wasn’t going well, and in the process, became completely disconnected from the pleasure we could have been feeling. It’s a problem that has a lot of solutions and one that we are now having much more fun trying to solve.

My experience as a client is that adding in a third set of eyes when you feel stuck, misunderstood, or confused in your relationship can provide the “aha moment” that you both need to see things from a new perspective. I’ve become so enthralled with these “aha moments” that I took the Somatica® Core Professional Training last year. Since then, I’ve started my own practice helping individuals and couples explore what is possible emotionally and erotically in their relationship and am taking the training again this year to continue the journey.

When we work with couples, we always encourage them to have a Hottest Sexual Movie conversation, but not until we have given them the proper tools and understandings so they can truly share their deepest desires. In this series we have taken you through The Hottest Sexual Movie 101, and shared some details to help you decide if your movie fits into the common genres of Romantic, Passionate or Dominant and Submissive. Now we want to help you in creating a space, outside of our sex therapy office, where you can share and learn each other’s movies.

These conversations have some very specific rules to follow if you want to make space for connection and intimacy. Before talking about the rules, we want to make an important distinction between Hottest Sexual Movies and fantasies.

Your Hottest Sexual Movie consists of the experiences you actually want to have. In addition to this, you may have a set of fantasies that you use to increase your arousal during sex or masturbation but that you don’t actually want to fully enact in the world. For example, you might fantasize about group sex but have no interest in actually experiencing it. These may exist totally outside of your sexual relationship together or you might want to be able to express these fantasies to your partner in a way that brings them into your movie. For example, if you are playing with dominant/submissive dynamics you may want your partner to punish you for having this fantasy. Conversely, you may just want to use it for yourself and never share it in an erotically charged space. We encourage you to share both your movies and your fantasies as part of the conversation and be specific.

Sharing your hottest sexual movie will take self-awareness, conscious communication and non-judgmental acceptance. It will also require the ability to know and share your boundaries, the willingness to learn instead of feeling like you already need to know, and a whole lot of creativity. One word of caution, When it comes to sharing past experiences with other lovers, be aware that this could trigger hurt. Be especially careful not to compare your partner to someone else with whom you’ve had amazing sex. Trust us, they will never forget this.

When you describe your movies, picture the character(s), the action, the setting, and what you feel. While it is a beautiful gift to really dive into the role of guest star in your partner’s movie, you also have a right to decide which parts you are ready to try now, which parts you might want to add later, and which parts you may never do at all. You might have more than one movie or might want to begin in one and move into another one. For example you might find a romantic seduction scenario is what gets you started but when it comes to actually getting you off a more passionate, animalistic sex fits the bill. Sometimes the process of articulating these desires can open up new avenues of play and seduction.

Always remember that none of this is set in stone. This is an ongoing conversation that you and your partner can always revisit and amend. In our book, Making Love Real, we go into greater depth as to how the process of discovering, sharing and finally acting out your hottest sexual movie can change your relationship in lasting and amazing ways.

The best word to describe passion is animalistic. It is sex that is a bit out of control. In modern western society, we spend years socializing our children out of animal-like behavior in order for them to behave. When the self-conscious part of your brain that tells you to be a good girl or boy shuts down, passion begins. Out comes the part of you that wants to bite, grab, growl, and satisfy all of your senses. In our sexually repressed culture, many people fantasize about having passion overtake them and their lovers. The passionate sexual movie is very common because it allows you to go beyond the constraints of being nice and compliant and makes you feel truly alive in your body.

In this series we introduce the ways that finding the genre of your “hottest sexual movie” can bring infinite pleasure to a relationship. Last week we detailed how “the romantic movie” plays out in fantasy and reality. Whereas the romantic movie is about feeling deeply loved, the passionate story is about intense, insatiable desire. Rather than appealing to our very human need to feel seen and understood, the passionate story is about unexplained, uncontrollable animalistic desire taking hold.
No action captures the essence of the passionate story more than a passionate kiss, by now depicted in so many movies that it might appear cliché. However, when done right, it doesn’t look or feel cliché at all. We have helped many clients reignite passion on multiple levels just by nailing this one important experience.

Here are the basics of delivering a killer, Passionate Kiss:

  1. The Look: It is important to begin with a passionate look, letting all of the animalistic desire come into your eyes and holding it.
  2. The Build Up: Waiting before jumping into a kiss builds tension and lets you sit in the uncertainty of whether or not all the passion will be met. If you go too quickly to the kiss, you don’t allow tension and excitement to build. By waiting, you allow yourself and your lover to build to a frenzy of desire where you can’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough.
  3. The Delivery: Don’t be afraid to grab hair, a collar, or the back of their head and really let yourself express your passion with your mouth and tongue but also with your entire body pressed against theirs. If you feel like giving a little lip nibble- got for it.

We promise you won’t regret where this kiss can lead. Here is a story one of our male clients told us about his girlfriend’s passionate approach to sex:

“Usually my girlfriend seems to be more into romance, but every once in awhile it’s like she’s possessed. It sometimes happens on vacation or when something really great happens in her life. I know it’s happening because she gets this look in her eye like I’m just a piece of meat. I know women might not like feeling like a piece of meat and, to be honest, the first time I saw it I was a little surprised, but I definitely don’t mind feeling like a piece of meat. This one time, she walked in the door wearing this really tight, sexy dress and she had that look in her eyes. Before she even got to me, she started taking her clothes off, and she just pushed me down on the bed. She started kissing me and grabbing me and taking my clothes off. She took my hands and started moving them all over her body, encouraging me to grab her ass and her nipples really hard. I could feel her grinding on me…”

Anyways…we will leave the rest to your imagination. After all, this is all about finding your own Hottest Sexual Movie. As you start to see what genre most appeals to your deepest desires don’t forget that you can always incorporate various elements of each into your special mix. Romance and passion often go hand and hand, and in our recent book, Making Love Real, we give you a template for how to seamlessly integrate multiple fantasy types into you sexual encounters. Stay tuned for our next post on the “Dominant/submissive” movie and how to bring your power play fantasies to life.

In our previous blog we introduced the ways that finding and sharing your “hottest sexual movie” can turn up the heat in your sex life. In this series we will tell you about the most common sexual movie genre’s we see with our clients in order to help you begin to identify what you want from your sexual interactions.

Let’s start with romance. Most women were fed romantic movies throughout their entire life- starting from cartoon Cinderella and moving right on up to The Notebook. It is not surprising that most women respond in some way to romantic words or gestures. Even women who have passionate and/or dominant fantasies often want some kind of romance in the mix. Many men also have aspects of the romantic movie as part of their desires or sexual repertoire. While the romantic movies we see on the big screen almost never end in explicit sexual activity, it can take a bit of imagination to discover what romance looks like in the bedroom when it is not PG-13.

The romantic movie is about being deeply loved and cared for—it’s the soul mate fantasy. And although certain aspects of this fantasy are unrealistic, like the idea that you will always have the exact same kinds of transcendent feelings about someone forever. When you can see romance as a fantasy as opposed to expecting it to be a steady-state in relationships, you can surrender into the pleasure of playing out the romantic movie in the moment instead of focusing on the disappointment of it not being forever. In this way, you can still experience the longing and pleasure of romance, which is about holding each other as eternally precious and uniquely important. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel swept up in a connection that is profound and all-encompassing. It is about the feeling that you know and understand each other deeply and pay attention to each other’s wants.

For every type of movie, there are four basic elements that need to be included – energy, touch , words and gestures. In working with clients whose primary fantasy is romantic we have outlined the romantic expressions of each of these elements that are most likely to fulfill the romantic appetite.

Romantic Energy: This is what you feel in your heart when you experience the warm glow of love and connection. The energy that comes from the heart can be adoration or admiration. It is often what people are talking about when they refer to the feeling of falling in love.
Romantic Touch: The most romantic touch is a light touch. Light touch is very arousing to the skin and body and therefore wonderful to use as warm-up touch, regardless of the movie you are playing out.
Romantic Words: These words have to do with beauty, preciousness, abstract sentimentality, fulfillment of dreams, and eternal connections. Think ““You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” “You are the man of my dreams.” For some these might sound hyperbolic, for others they are exactly what they long to hear.
Romantic Gestures: Because romance goes beyond the boundaries of the sexual experience, you can bring romance into your day-to-day life through both romantic words and romantic gestures. Romantic gestures include sending letters, cards, emails, or texts with romantic messages and giving gifts like flowers, a tie, chocolate, or a ring. Other romantic gestures are remembering special days like birthdays, anniversaries, first times (like the first day you kissed or the first time you met); dressing up to go out to a favorite restaurant, the theater, or dancing; or visiting a romantic place with beautiful views or stars. What these gestures express is that you are on your partner’s’ mind no matter what else is happening in life.

A Romantic Fantasy: In Our Client’s Words

We could make endless lists giving examples of romantic energy, touch, words, and gestures, but often our clients say it best when they begin to put this all together into their ultimate fantasy. We want to share one client’s description of her romantic sexual movie that was so beautiful it made us cry:

“We both get dressed up – you’re in some tight jeans that show the shape of your ass and that black coat I bought you, and I’m in an elegant dress. We go out to a restaurant together and you open and close the car door and the restaurant door for me. While we’re at the restaurant, we touch each other across the table and you tell me how beautiful I look to you. When we leave, you put on my coat for me. At home you light some candles, turn on some of that music that has no lyrics, and invite me to dance. We start to sway together as you look into my eyes. You lean in and touch your lips to mine, barely kissing me, and then you whisper in my ear how much you love me. You move behind me and hold me close around the waist. Still dancing and swaying, I can feel your breath as you gently kiss my neck and ear. You unzip my dress and slowly take it off of me, caressing my body as it falls to the floor. You’re surprised at my lacy white bra and underwear and you admire my body…..

Anyways…You get the picture. We will leave the rest to your imagination as we continue to guide you in discovering your own hottest sexual movie. If you want to hear more from what we have learned from our clients check out our new book, Making Love Real. And stay tuned for the other popular genres. Next up, find out about Passionate Fantasies…

You can stop searching Netflix, because your hottest sexual movie is still in the making. Nearly everyone walks through the world with one or more sexual “movies” circulating in their imagination. These include images and ideas of how they want sex to look, what feelings they want to have, and what kind of experiences they want to live. The characters may change, but the themes generally stay the same. While most people have the ability to enjoy multiple forms of seduction, a person’s primary sexual movie generally brings them the most pleasure and intensity. People often try and suppress these fantasies, in order to fit them into their realities. We encourage our clients to go all the way in fleshing out their fantasies and getting to the bottom of what these ideas say about their actual sexual needs and desires.

The process of finding and articulating your Hottest Sexual Movie has 3​ steps.

Step 1: Become a Self-Detective
We can spend endless hours of our lives studying, guessing and gossiping about everyone else’s motives and desires. But, how much time do we actually take to figure out what OUR motives and desires are, especially when it comes to our sexual desires? For most people, the answer is “Not enough!” The most important part of self-detecting is taking a non-judgmental attitude, you may find that some of what turns you on is more accepted by society and other parts of what turns you are less accepted. If any of your thoughts make you feel ashamed or guilty, remember, they are just desires not actions and, as long as any enactment of them is between consenting adults there is nothing to be ashamed of!

This is your chance to figure out what makes you tick in bed and the way to do that is to gather some data from your own life. Dig into your fantasies, whether they are overtly sexual or not is unimportant, just start to pay attention to what you think when you start to drift off. What are your daydreams about you and anyone to whom you are attracted? What kinds of thoughts get you turned on?

Next, think back on the books and movies that have gotten you most aroused as well as the sexual experiences that you’ve had that were most arousing. (Remember, no judgments!) They might be romantic, full of passion and intrigue, torture or other types of BDSM, or any sorts of themes from porn that you watch or erotic stories you read. Think of the scenes and the moments in those scenes that are the real zingers. You may want to do some writing on all of this to really pinpoint your turn-ons.

Step 2: Identify the Underlying Feeling You Want to Have
As you explore the data you have gathered try to identify the kinds of feelings that you or any of the other people in the fantasies are feeling and see which ones seem most relevant and exciting to you. For example, you or others in your fantasies, books and movies might want to feel powerful, taken, degraded, surprised, in danger, cared for, precious, teased, indulgent, loved, denied, adored, abused, seen, desired, powerless, known, punished or accepted. If you fantasize about sex in public places, this might be a fantasy of being so desirable your partner would have sex with you anywhere. It also might be a fantasy of wanting to be seen (exhibitionism) or of being in danger (of being caught). If your fantasy is of your partner surprising you with a five-course dinner at your favorite, fancy restaurant, it might be a fantasy of being cared for (they planned it) or known (they knew it was your favorite restaurant), or it could be a fantasy of indulgence (five-course and fancy) or of surprise. Make a list of the feeling or feelings that seem to be most linked to your arousal.

Step 3: Draft your Hottest Sexual Movie
It is one thing to passively fantasize, watch, read or allow others to do their best to give you what you want, but we want you to take it one step further. With everything you now know about what turns you on, write your own scene (or, even better, many scenes), that will invoke these feelings in you. We don’t want to experience everything that we see in movies or fantasize about but all of this can be incorporated into our sex life in one way or another. See what you actually want to experience, what you want to share in bed with your partner (for example, what you’d like to say to them or have them say to you) and what you want to keep in your back pocket to fantasize about here and there during your sexual experiences to give you that extra arousal bump.

Think about how you want your partner to look at you, talk to you, touch you and how you want to look at them, talk to them and touch them in order to get some of those feelings you so desire. Imagine how you would like your movie to start, what are some experiences that you’d like for the middle part of your movie. How does your movie end and what do you want from your partner once sex is over? Take some times to write out some hot scenarios!

For a more in-depth exploration of your cinema worthy sexual fantasies check out our recent book Making Love Real where we dedicate several chapters to walking you through this process. Also, keep following this series where we will share what we have seen are the most prevalent sexual movie genres and what they say about your desires. Finally, we will give you some pointers on how to communicate them to a partner in order to have the unbelievably amazing sex you deserve.