Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

If a relationship lasts long enough, it is inevitable that you will eventually experience The Gap – and the gap gets in the way of so much of happiness. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before we take a look at all the problems the gap causes and what the heck we can do about it, we must first define it.

The gap, friends, is that pesky difference between who you first imagined your partner was and the person who is actually sitting in front of you. The gap happens for sooooooo many reasons. To read more about all of the reasons and how you can help couples, click here.

  1. Romantic Projection – you are told so many stories about what love is supposed to be, that it colors the way that you look at a potential partner. In order for them to meet the romantic fantasy of being a perfect match, you only see the parts of them that fit into that picture, or, if you are quite good at magical thinking, you manage to see those parts even when they aren’t there at all!
  2. Marketing – at the beginning, your partner was putting their best foot forward. Because humans are social creatures who know what people usually want in a partner and a potential partner can also read all the signals you put out about what you like and don’t like, when you met they emphasized the things about themselves that fit into this image. In other words, they tried very hard to be what they thought you wanted them to be so that you would like them. Marketing can include hiding the parts of themselves they think you won’t like, slightly exaggerating traits you seem to like about them, or just straight up lying to win your favor.
  3. Circumstance – whenever, however and wherever you met, the activities you were engaging in or they way you were living your life made you seem like you were more compatible than you really are. For example, you met in school where you had so much in common because…you were both going to school!!! Now, you are out in the real world and it turns out that your interests, or how you like to spend your time, or how often you have energy to have sex have completely changed.

We are sure now that you are thinking about it, you can come up with some of the problems the gap causes. It can cause you to think that you were tricked or that your partner used to love you, but doesn’t love you anymore. It can cause you to go on a partner improvement spree, where you try to get your partner to be all the ways that you thought they were. It can cause you to feel like you made a wrong choice and, if you just keep looking, you will find the person that meets all of these needs.

We’d like to offer a different approach  – we’d like you to Mind the Gap, by which we mean, keep in mind that the Gap will be there in every relationship. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wholeheartedly enjoy the beginning where everything feels perfect -being so doped up on hormones and projections that your feet don’t touch the ground is one of the funnest parts of the whole adventure. We suggest you enjoy the shit out of it! At the same time, remember that the Gap will show up eventually and, while we wholeheartedly support you allowing yourself to feel all the feelings, and have all the tantrums (for more on how to have a good, connected tantrum with your partner check out our book Making Love Real) you need to have, we also encourage you to not make the Gap mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that you just haven’t found “the one” or that you can get back to how you (never really) were if you just try hard enough.

Yes, we want you to be Mindful of the Gap, to watch the insidious way that the difference between who you thought your partner was and who they actually are can get between the two of you. Instead of twisting it into some horrible tragedy, we want you to learn how to step over it be accepting the person who is actually sitting across from you and experience real love.

A few weeks ago we posted an article on Layering for Women – how creating a symphony of all-over body sensations combined with different kinds of pussy stimulation can give women longer, stronger orgasms. Layering is the idea that we can add many different layers of sensation and psychological stimulation to a sexual experience to create higher levels of pleasure and more intense orgasms.

Now it’s time for the guys to have a turn! As we always say, when it comes to men’s orgasms, they can range from plain-old-good to Oh-My-God. If you want to give men the orgasms that the hottest dreams and memories are made of, you will need to practice some layering as well. Layering starts bringing your energy to sex – the men we know and work with often complain that their partners wait passively to be pleased instead of coming after them with desire.

Layer #1 – Visual Stimulation

“Honestly, one of the things that gets me most turned on is just seeing my girlfriend naked. I get turned on when she gets out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom and I get to watch her ass as she walks away, knowing she’ll be back soon.”

Since many men are visually stimulated, one way to start is to give them something wonderful and sexy to look at. What they might want in this area can vary. Some men will really love it if you dress up in something sexy and do an erotic dance for them. Others will be much more interested and aroused watching you pleasure yourself for a while.

Either way, make sure that what you are doing is not a “show,” but something you feel really engaged in and can enjoy for yourself as well. If you are going to dance, dance for your pleasure, moving your body in ways that feel sexy to you and look at your partner with inviting eyes. If you are going to touch your body, touch for your pleasure, warming yourself up even as you warm up your partner with your sexiness.

Remember, women, if he has chosen you, it is because he thinks YOU ARE SEXY, so embrace the sexiness of your body exactly the way it is!

Layer #2 – Going After Them

“Women rarely make the first move on me, but I think it’s really hot and surprising when they do.”

Once you’ve tempted him with your beautiful body and sexual energy, it’s time to go after him with your desire. Kiss him passionately, and then kiss, lick, and bite his neck – you may need to turn him over so you get to the back of his neck and shoulders. Men generally don’t get very much all-over-body touching, so you can caress his body lightly front and back. If you really want him to feel your desire, make sure that you intersperse some good grabbing of his muscles and ass.

Layer #3 – Talking Dirty

“For me, if there’s no talk during sex, I’m like, ‘What’s the point?’”

Men love to hear all different kinds of dirty talk, and this layer really engages their sexual brain. They want to hear everything from how beautiful their cock is to what fantastic lovers they are. You can tell them dirty stories about a threesome where the two of you pick up a third, or tell them in a sexy way exactly what you want them to do to you. Don’t shy away from explicit language – just about any guys will light up when they hear how wet your pussy is for them.

Layer #4 – Don’t Neglect the Cock

“My wife loves my cock, no matter what else she’s doing, it seems like some part of her body is always touching my cock at the same time.”

While most women love a lot of touch before you go to her pussy, men are often ready for cock touch much sooner. The trick is to gently incorporate the cock without losing track of the rest of the body. You might use one of your hands to stroke his chest or back while using the other hand to begin to gently caress his cock and balls. Unfortunately, most penises get one kind of touch, a grab with an up and down motion, yet the penis can enjoy all kinds of layering.

Layer #5 – Focusing on Cock and Balls

“Balls often get neglected, I mean I know they aren’t pretty, but it’s crazy how intense it feels to have them licked, and I always keep them shaved just hoping she will include them.”

To layer sensation on the penis and balls you can use your tongue, your whole mouth, your fingertips or a combination of all of the above. If you are giving a blowjob, definitely let yourself be creative in the beginning, licking slowly, cupping his balls, stroking his thighs as you tease him. You can also suck his cock while moving your tongue side to side across the shaft. This creates an extra layer of sensation on his frenulum – the area of the penis right below the head of his cock. If you can do that while also gently stroking and playing with his balls, you’re there! For an extra bonus layer, get your finger wet and stroke his asshole. If he doesn’t pull away, try putting your finger inside as you go down on him.

Layer #6 – The Inside and Out of Intercourse

“It’s way hotter for me to hear my partner making sounds or touching me back than if they just lie there.”

Adding layers while he’s inside you can also increase the intensity of his orgasm. Your sexy noises and words, grabbing his ass, or using your nails on his back can all intensify sensation. Also, whether he is inside of your pussy or ass, giving his cock some extra squeezes with your PC or anal muscles might just send his orgasm through the roof. Some men like a finger in their ass when they are inside you as well. You can reach down and play with his balls while he is fucking you or stick your tongue deep inside his mouth.

Guys – we hope you enjoy all of the new layers your sweethearts give you once they read this article!

Love,
Celeste & Danielle

Elena is a Somatica practitioner with her own thriving practice in San Francisco and the South Bay. She is also a group leader in the Somatica Core Training as well as an amazing friend, colleague, partner, and mom. We are so excited to host her guest blog

Last year I watched the Showtime series “Masters of Sex,” the fictionalized story of the real life Virginia Johnson and William Masters. I knew of them, of course, but I didn’t know a lot about them so as I made my way through the series, I also researched who they were and what the wide world of the internet had to say. I came across a blog post that characterized the relationship of Masters and Johnson as “ultimately failed” because, after 20 years of marriage, they divorced. I found it appalling that a twenty year relationship, not to mention a culture-shifting collaboration, could be described as failed because at some point they decided to separate.

On the one hand, I wasn’t surprised at all. The prevailing wisdom about long term relationships equates longevity with success. Not just longevity but longevity of a particular form or arrangement of relationship, most often monogamous, cohabiting, and married. On the other hand, I was separating from my partner of 15 years and I was furious at the thought that our relationship could in any way be construed as a failure.

I met my… what to call him? Ex. Ugh. Former partner? No, we are still partners. Baby daddy? Seriously?

I met this person, one of my soul mates, when he and I were both 29. I had moved from the Bay Area to New Mexico a few years prior and he was from the South – an unlikely match. We began an affair after I had a bad breakup. He was in a non-monogamous relationship (as he pointedly informed me one night at a party). For a year we had hot, amazing, open, adventurous sex and pined after each other on the daily. I loved it (see my blog-post In Search of My Movie).

At the end of that year, and some all-too-human and messy life events, the multiple relationship configurations exploded and when the pieces reformed, he and I were living together. Monogamously.

Two years later, we started trying to have a baby. Two and a half years after that, we finally did have our son. Thus continued a decade of life and relationship challenges I could not have foreseen. To list them would get off topic but it was a heavy time. Eventually we sought out the help of a gifted therapist because we knew our relationship could be better and we wanted it to be. I also found Somatica. Between the gifted therapist and the life-altering experience of the Somatica training, we started to wake up. We healed and repaired some of our deepest wounds – some of which we had inflicted on each other and some of which pre-dated our presence in each other’s lives. We got legally married and we opened our relationship again. We worked our way to a state of awareness from which we were able to see one another, and what we each wanted, clearly. Without blame or recrimination we decided to stop living together, stop forcing ourselves to be lovers, and to embrace the profoundly deep knowing and love we have for each other as friends, as co-parents, and as soul mates. We made room for change so our relationship could shift instead of break.

I had friends say, “Oh, that open relationship thing isn’t working out so well.” I found it fascinating that opening our relationship was blamed (as though the shift was a failure) and that no one ever said, “Wow, living all those years with the confining, restrictive, unrealistic expectations of traditional marriage really took it’s toll, huh?”. The truth of our experience was that we opened our relationship out of a sense of safety with and love for each other. We weren’t meeting all of each other’s needs and wanted those needs met regardless of whether or not we were the one to fulfill them for the other. I don’t advocate for open relationships or monogamy, but I do believe they should both be on the menu as equally valid choices so that people can make a conscious decision to do what works for them. What I want to share in this post is that people change, and we can shift instead of break if we allow our relationships to change with us. Riding the roller coaster with awareness, flexibility, and resilience is the way to have successful relationships, not deciding on a shape and form and rigidly holding to that at the cost of passion, joy, fulfillment, and ultimately even connection.

If the author of the aforementioned blog, and most of society, were to look at the 15 years of relationship we’ve had so far, they would pronounce our relationship a failure because we are no longer married and living together. Far from a failure, this is the most successful relationship of my life to date. We didn’t break up, or in fact break anything – we shifted a connection that remains vibrant and vital to both of us.

As a culture, we tend to look at ultimatums as a cut and dry relationship foul, and often report damningly to our friends when a partner has issued one. “She gave me an ultimatum,” you might say to your friend as they gasp and shake their head, “How could she?”

We want to look at this phenomenon a little more closely and explore how ultimatums come to be, when they might actually be needed and when they are squarely manipulative and counterproductive. In order to do this, we must have a shared definition of boundaries and needs and why they are important to relationships. Some folks think boundaries are roadblocks that should to be busted through and needs are obstacles to get over for the greater good of the relationship. Whether we always successfully respect others boundaries or not, most of us can agree that knowing, taking responsibility for, and communicating our needs and boundaries as well as accepting and supporting your partner’s needs and boundaries is essential to relationship longevity.

So, let’s talk about foul-play ultimatums. It is foul-play to use an ultimatum as a first attempt at expressing a need or a boundary. At the same time, we understand that expressing needs and boundaries is extremely vulnerable and scary. In other words, if you need to have an extended intimate connection time (let’s say a couple of hours) at least two times week, and the first time you ask for it, you say, “I just can’t be in this relationship any longer unless we have extended connection time at least two times per week,” your partner will likely feel blindsided and afraid that you are going to leave them before you’ve even given them a chance to absorb what you want and see if they are up for it. People often use ultimatums in this way in order to avoid the terrifying feeling of being told “no” and feeling uncared for or like they aren’t worth it to their partner. It’s like saying, “You don’t get to leave me, if you can’t do this, I’m leaving you first!” This is definitely choosing protection over connection and will likely create defensiveness and alienation in your partner.

A much more vulnerable and gentle way to start asking for what you need is to say, “I need extended connection time at least two times per week,” and then to let your partner have whatever reaction they do without any threat attached. If you’ve never even brought it up before, they might just say, “Yeah, me too, let’s get it on the calendar!” They might also say, “I’d love to do that, but it makes me feel a little anxious and trapped to jump into two hours right away, do you think we can work our way up to it?” or they might just say, “No, sorry, I can’t do it.” The same scenario is true for boundaries. A gentle way to state a boundary is, “It pushes my boundaries when you flirt a lot in front of me and give other guys the impression that you are willing to sleep with them.” Your partner might say, “Wow, I didn’t realize I was doing that, can you let me know what I do that makes you feel that way and I’ll stop!” or “Ok, but I do like flirting, can you tell me what would be comfortable?” or they might say, “That makes me feel unfree, I’m not willing to change my behavior.”

These are obviously somewhat idealistic examples in terms of how people communicate, but hey, shoot for the moon, right? People don’t often talk to each other like this, they yell or cry or logic each other to death and never actually vulnerably share their needs, feelings and fears. However, we have helped many couples begin to communicate with more clarity and honesty even if it may feel contrived at first. This can allow for needs and boundaries to be communicated without throwing in an ultimatum for emphasis.

However, sometimes, even after tons of really great talking full of mutual empathy and support for boundaries, there still comes a time when one person in the relationship has a need that they other person does not meet and one or both of them isn’t ok with outsourcing that need. Let’s take our clients Allan and Sam for a moment. Oral sex is essential to Allen’s turn-on and sex is completely arousing for him. Without it, he cannot get and erection yet Sam hates giving or receiving oral sex. Allen has felt guilty to leave the relationship due to this difference – because sex is so trivialized in our society, he feels he shouldn’t value it so highly. At the same time, he is very sexual and feels it is central to his sense of self and well-being. They’ve spent years talking and trying to find a way around it, and neither of them wants for the need to be met outside of their monogamous agreement.

Because of this, Allen finally realized he had to have a final conversation, an ultimatum as it were. We helped him find the most compassionate way to share this with his partner: “We have talked about this for many years now and done a good deal of therapy and I think we both understand each other. I need to tell you that I am no longer willing to live without the kind of sex that turns me on. I don’t want you to do anything that doesn’t feel right to you or cross your boundaries. At the same time, if we don’t work out a way for me to have sex in the context of this relationship, I am going to leave.” This, we believe, is an appropriate ultimatum. It is appropriate because all avenues have been explored and his partner deserves to know that he is going to leave if the situation doesn’t change. Sometimes, when it gets to this point, a couple does find ways to change things and still stay together and sometimes they part.

We understand why ultimatums have gotten a bad rap. They are an often overused and disingenuous. In these cases, it can feel like you have the partner that cried ultimatum and therefore you do not take their needs seriously. But we believe that ultimatums are not inherently manipulative and generally do reflect a real need or desire. If you want to build lasting trust and open communication avoid ultimatums as a general tactic, and reserve them for times when you have truly exhausted other options.

Part of being in a relationship is taking the time to learn about what fills your partner’s stocking – what makes them feel all gooey and gluey with you and inspires them to stick with it through the rough times. This can be difficult if you each aren’t willing to share what you need clearly and specifically! After working with couples for all of these years, we have noticed that people don’t always know what helps their partner feel all filled up. When you don’t know what your partner needs you might be spending lots of time and energy trying to give them what they need without it landing at all.

Here’s the three reasons you might be missing out on giving their partner the gifts they need:

  1. You Give What You Want to Receive: Most people assume that people are similar to them so they make the loving gestures that they are hoping to receive. These often don’t land because people are so different. You might really need a good make out, while your partner would feel more delighted by breakfast in bed.
  2. People Change: Five years ago, your partner told you they really love back massages and you’ve been giving them a back massage every night before bed since then. If you haven’t updated the files in all these years, it’s very possible they are sick of back massages and ready for some different kind of care but just don’t have the heart to tell you.
  3. You Make Assumptions: Instead of just straight up asking your partner what fills their stocking, you try to piece it together from hints they’ve given you over the years. There’s no need to be a sleuth here, just check in.

If you want to get the most bang for your holiday buck – your time and energy – it is best to know what really hit’s the spot. This holiday, make a list (and check it twice!) of all of the things that you know really make you feel loved and desired and then exchange your lists. If you are single and hoping to be in a relationship at some point, definitely make this list as well! It’s like preparing a user’s manual for your future sweetheart. The more you know about yourself before going into a new partnership the better!

Here’s an example of what one couple wrote up:

His list of things he wants:

  1. Compliments
  2. Sweet texts or chats when we are apart about how you feel about me
  3. Kisses that have some kind of romantic or passionate feel to them
  4. Eye contact where I feel like you are looking at me with love in your eyes
  5. Sex where it feels like you can’t keep your hands off me and you are really turned on by my body
  6. Enthusiasm or excitement when you see me, if you feel like you’ve missed me or are happy to see me again
  7. You initiating plans or romantic things for us to do together or getting creative about our sex life with new ideas, toys, etc.
  8. Hellos and goodbyes – making sure you greet me when we first meet and give me a kiss goodbye when you leave

Her list of things she wants:

  1. Give me a gift certificate for a spa day that I can go on by myself.
  2. Appreciations – noticing and saying something when you feel like I’ve done something you like or appreciate
  3. Quickies – sometimes having quick sex when there isn’t time for something more in-depth
  4. Time in the house by myself to work on my projects and read my books.
  5. Surprising me with a clean house

As you can see, these two have very different needs. If they were to give each other what they were hoping to get, they’d probably both end up pretty depleted and exasperated! When you take the time to let each other know what satisfies you, your relationship will be much more filled with the glue that keeps you together!

May your stockings be stuffed with all the love and sex you want this year.

Happy Holidays!

Celeste & Danielle

Connection across differences is a huge topic with many facets, we want to start with something that we see creates a lot of misunderstanding and suffering in interpersonal relationships – philosophical debates. So often, with your partner, you begin a conversation innocently enough. Then, without even meaning to, you hit on some kind of controversial topic and suddenly you are in a debate.

So often, these debates end in confusion, anger and even crying. Since relationship happiness is really made up of the day-to-day, having these kinds of challenging interactions, and especially if you have them a lot, can be really damaging to your relationship. We want you to take them seriously and learn how to have them well. We don’t think it is realistic to say, “We’ll just never debate again” because, as we said, you usually end up falling into these conversations. Instead, we want to help you do something different with them – we call it Connected Debating.

Before we offer you the steps to connected debating, we want to start with a little bit of background so you can have a better understanding of what usually goes wrong. Firstly, there is a pretty strong gender divergence in how men and women approach differences of opinion. So, if you are in a heterosexual couple, this can be the root of the problem.

Usually, when men approach a potential debate topic with other men, they are more likely to disconnect emotionally from it and think of it more as a game they are trying to win. Like chess or a video game, they are simply trying to take down their opponents ideas any way they can and, if their opponent’s ideas stand up to the challenge, they may then take them seriously. So, a man might hear the other person’s point and say, “That’s ridiculous, have you even looked at the statics on that?”

Usually, when women approach a debating topic with other women, they are generally more relationally oriented, and attempt to find common ground first and then make their point. Even if they don’t agree they might say something like, “Yes, that makes some sense, but have you heard about the recent study on…?”

When we try to explain this to men and women, men usually think women are being ridiculous and overly-sensitive, while women often feel like men are being disconnected assholes. In other words, there is a huge lack of empathy to the other person’s needs and experiences and a lot of judgement. To be empathetic with men, it truly can be fun to debate about something if you can keep your emotions separate or if you don’t feel like having a very heated argument will lead to unfixable disconnection. It can be exciting to bring up really good points and even change someone’s mind by winning.

Unfortunately, it often isn’t possible since it is actually quite rare for both people in a debate to be able to do this. We are emotional creatures, and, even if we are not particularly emotional about a topic, we might begin to get emotional if we notice our partners are getting upset, tense, sad, or angry. Second, debate touches on some very deep emotional needs which can be triggered.

For example, many people have wounds around their intelligence, their need to be listened to, or their feelings of abandonment. Any of these can be triggered – you might feel like your partner is talking down to you or treating you like you are stupid, you might feel like you are not being heard, or you might feel like your partner cares more about the topic at hand then about being in connection with you so you feel abandoned. It can be extremely unbearable to feel stupid, unheard, and disconnected from the person that you love at the same time, which is why debates can become an intimacy killer.

In order to have more unity, use the following tools and make sure that you have an agreed upon framework to use them. For example, you might check on them immediately and then, every 2-3 minutes, revisit and make sure you are still using them.

    1. Acknowledge You Are In It: If you start to get into a debate by accident, acknowledge that you are in one and reassure that you still want to stay connected: “Oooops, it looks like we are having a difference of opinion about public vs. private schools here, I really want to stay connected with you in this conversation.” If your partner’s love language is touch, see if you can keep some kind of contact or at least make sure you are looking in each other’s eyes some of the time.”
    2. See If It’s Personal: Check if there are underlying personal feelings that this topic is touching on, that might be skipped over if you just stay in debate mode. This requires you to be honest with yourself and vulnerable with your partner. “I realize that when we talk about whether or not porn promotes violence against women, it is really hard for me to separate the feelings of insecurity that come up when I think about you watching porn.”
    3. Listen to Your Partner: Make sure you take the time to really listen and take seriously what the other person is saying, even repeating it back to them, if you are not sure you are getting what they mean. Even if you don’t agree, see if you can have empathy for their point of view and how and why they might have come to it. Check in on your own personal histories and how they relate to your current opinions on the topic.
    4. Focus on Both Similarities and Differences: If there is something that the other person says that you really agree with, share that with them. Debates often turn into an emphasis on the differences and, it is possible that there are also places of overlap and agreement.
    5. Be Willing to Change Your Mind: If you go into a debate without being open to new ideas and ways of seeing then it is unlikely your partner will ever be willing to hear you either. Let got to being attached to being “right” or making the other person “wrong” and instead go with an attitude of collaboration and curiosity. Try thinking “what might I be able to learn from this person that I don’t already know?” Being open to learning, growing and changing is what keeps us all young and vital!

Joy is contagious, unfortunately so are anxiety and insecurity. So many people start dates from one extreme or another instead of a place of grounded confidence where they are open to actually enjoying themselves. Romantics may be 20 steps ahead – already so in love with the idea of what could be, while self-described realists may already be bemoaning the fact that they are wasting their time when they could just have a surefire fun night with friends and a pint (of beer, ice-cream, or both). Many folks approach dating as if it is a job interview and are generally caught up on how they will perform. They worry about how the other candidate will measure up or they oscillate and between performance anxiety and competition. We are not saying dating is easy, but there are some ways that a change in approach can really impact the experience, even if the fit is not amazing. Dating with joy is an important skill for people who are in a relationship as well. Many couples have a date night but start to dial it in and make it as much like any other night as possible. This holiday season why don’t we all try these 5 ways to bring a little magic to this artform.

The Pre-Party: Getting ready for a date can be a great way to get grounded and start off with some joy of your own. Do something that is a bit indulgent – take a bubble bath, a longer shower, eat a little something that makes you feel your senses come alive. Listen to your anthem, the one that makes you feel like you can do anything. If you are coupled, think about getting ready on your own. It may feel contrived but it can allow you to look at your partner with fresh eyes if you didn’t just pass them the soap in your getting ready shower. Some people like to take their pre-party a little further, perhaps, all the way. For some a little self-love can be a great way to relieve nerves and get in touch with your desire. Others can get started but might enjoy a date more if they have held out on a big O. Only you can know you body. We encourage you to start dating yourself and remember how fun you are before you even meet up.

A Joyous Plan: Who doesn’t like dinner? For a foodie a surefire joyous plan may be a night at a new food truck park or a great new restaurant. But for those of us that have been on a lot of dates it can feel like a movie montage where the person across from you swaps out but your experience remains the same. As an alternative, try something a bit less stationary and more dynamic. This is a great season for it. Go ice-skating, caroling, go on a hunt for the best-decorated houses in your area. Do a car picnic and watch the sunset or go to indoor mini-golf. See a comedy show and just enjoy yourself (and have a window into their sense of humor without all the pressure). Make a plan that you are excited about.

Stories are Everything: If you are dating someone new take the time to really hear their stories and appreciate how unique they are. Also, when you are telling your own stories, try and be as honest about yourself as possible instead of editing. Be confident that you are fascinating because we all are when we share our unique perspectives. If you are in an LTR try asking your partner to tell you some stories you may not know. Perhaps about a childhood crush or an accomplishment they never got to brag about.

Having Fun Doesn’t Mean You’re Leading Anyone On: Some people feel like they need to be overly “realistic” and make the date an unpleasant one if they feel there will not be a follow-up. We want to give you permission to enjoy yourself without worrying about the future. You might end up surprising yourself, making a new friend, or just having a good story. You can always end by saying, “I had a great time with you, and am not totally feeling the chemistry, but I’m glad we met.”

Strong Finish: Now we don’t necessarily expect the date to end in a night of mind-blowing sex until the morning. If it does, great! You’re welcome ;). But there are many outcomes that can still feel great and leave you with a feeling of hope and joy. This season is a chance to be a little kinder, more open, and share your unique self with the world. Even if your after-party is solo, we are sure you can think of some ways to make it joyous! At the end of date night remember all of the wonderful things you enjoy – about yourself, your date, where you live, what you ate, etc. Gratitude is contagious as well.