Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Relational Erectile Dysfunction – A Functional Response to a Dysfunctional Situation

Some men suffer from Relational ED – where their penis is actually giving them the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” We think of this as a functional response to a dysfunctional situation.

Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain.

She is So Attractive, But…

For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her).

Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” To clarify your feelings, needs, and boundaries, join us for the Cockfidence Workshop.

Solve Relational ED

If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:

Identify your Feelings

You might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how things are going.

Realize your Needs

You might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.

Find your Boundaries

You might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.

Break the Silence

You might consider coming in for some couple’s coaching or reading our book for couples, Making Love Real. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence feel free to contact us.

In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!

Men who endure erectile dysfunction often suffer from a sexual impulse control problem – not too little control, but TOO MUCH. While sexual desire is one of the most natural forces on the planet, many men are taught early on in their lives that this desire is wrong, bad, and harmful to women. Unfortunately, these kinds of messages about sex leave the “good guys” of the world – those who want to please women – in a state of frozen sexual impulses. But you can get to the bottom of your erectile dysfunction causes and unfreeze your impulses – and we’re here to teach you how.


4 Steps To Optimal Sexual Impulse Control

Step 1: Pay attention to your own sexual impulses and desires

Without any judgment as to what those desires are, notice the natural impulses your body wants to follow. Take some time to consciously observe and enjoy the aliveness in your body.

Step 2: Listen for the automatic messages

Notice what kinds of messages you give yourself when you are having sexual impulses. Are you immediately questioning whether your partner wants your advances? Do you fear rejection or hurting someone by suggesting to try something new or different? Does it feel like you wait for permission for every escalation?

Step 3: Create conscious messages

Try out your own version of any of the following messages:

  • It is perfectly normal to have sexual desires.
  • If my partner has chosen to be in a sexual relationship with me, it is very likely that she wants to feel my desire for her. (Research has shown that being desired is at the top of the list of what turns women on).
  • Just because my partner doesn’t want something I want, or doesn’t want sex right now, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want me or never wants sex.

Step 4: Honor and follow your impulses

When you feel sexual desire or arousal, see if you can shorten the time between feeling the impulse and following it. Let your body do the thinking for you (yes, we are telling you to listen to your little brain), and seduce your partner instead of asking for permission. Follow her cues and stay at the edge of her boundaries without backing off at every slight sign of rejection. She may just be checking in with herself to see if she is feeling aroused as well. If she really isn’t interested, let her tell you directly.


The Road to Controlling Erectile Dysfunction

There is nothing more anxiety-inducing than stopping your natural desires over and over and over again. And especially in the face of a competing internal pressure to perform and please. In our sex coaching work with men, we help you to unfreeze these impulses and practice following your body’s own desires. The goal is to achieve maximum pleasure while staying connected to both your own and your partner’s body and desires.

As the sexual impulses begin to free up and you stop hesitating at every turn, your erections will become more reliable and lasting. You will feel the flow of your own desire in concert with your partner’s and share a circuit of pleasure that can build to new heights of intensity and satisfaction.


More Erectile Dysfunction Help

If you want to read more about how to control your erectile dysfunction, we have created a short series of articles, explaining each of the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to deal with them.

Or, if you want to get all of the information we have on psychological ED in one place, download and listen to our Erectile Dysfunction Help Audio Class.

We also want you to know that we are very accessible, supportive and will talk openly with you to answer all of your questions. To give you the support you need, we are happy to take the time to chat with you and find you the right sex therapy practitioner so you can have the sex and relationship you want and deserve.

Contact us for a free 15 minutes private consultation!