Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those aspects of the person you enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesn’t mean going along with things that don’t work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and your boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear requests and non-defensive boundaries, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. Being a truly Cockfident man and an Extraordinary Lover to women takes a tremendous amount of acceptance of yourself, your partner, and the people who are part of your life. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know, at the most basic level, that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and finding out what “good enough” means. Finally, it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up to your fantasies or desires.
Recent research on men has shown that men actually have much stronger immediate emotional reactions than women. Also they successfully quell their emotions and move into thinking, figuring out, and fixing much more quickly than women.
The lack of freedom that men have in regard to acknowledging and listening to their emotions leads men to think that they are making rational decisions, when they are often unconsciously making emotional decisions or making decisions that discount their emotional needs completely. When you ignore your emotions they are relegated to the unconscious; when you are unconscious your emotions can control your behaviors without you having any understanding of what is driving you. On the other hand, if you discount your emotional needs in service of making rational decisions, you end up living a life that seems “right” but doesn’t feel good.
I’m quite tidy, but my wife is blind to disorder. Accepting this took time. Stage 1. I’d wait (fruitlessly) for her to clean up the mess she made. Stage 2. I’d tidy up and wait (fruitlessly) for her to notice. Stage 3. After years, I eventually acknowledged that I was tidying up only for myself (she really was oblivious), and it’s no big deal. This isn’t why we love each. It’s not a dealbreaker that I think she’s a slob, and she thinks I’m a neatnik.
Thanks @David for sharing! I think your experience speaks to the fact that sometimes we need to realize that our partner’s quirks or “flaws” are just the price your have to pay to be with this wonderful individual who otherwise does make you happy!
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