Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

This week, we are delighted to feature a blog from Elena, a Somatica Graduate and full-time Practitioner.

In Search of My Movie…

In Somatica we talk about HSM, or Hottest Sexual Movie. It’s the words, energy, touch, and experiences that make you feel exactly what you long to feel when you have sex. As I’ve begun to explore my own HSM, it’s been tricky to figure it out, and to accept myself and my turn ons as they are.

Over the past few years I have been an archaeologist of my own soul, my sexual, erotic, vital self. When I first took the Somatica training I was completely disconnected from my sexuality. I was so stuck and had no idea where to even begin getting unstuck. Thankfully, I was in the right place! With the experiential tools and skills, and emotional support I received in the training I was able to begin my ongoing journey of self-discovery. With more consciousness has come more choice, intention, awareness and fulfillment.

Exploring my hottest movie has been one part of this journey – digging into my fantasies and experiences to identify what turns me on: What do I fantasize about? What kind of porn do I like to watch? What sexual encounters and relationships have been the most arousing? Why? What did I feel in those moments? What am I wanting to feel?

In my first year of the Somatica training, I was in a group with two men, both of whom seemed to me to be way more in touch with their HSM than I was (I’m a pro at negative comparison!) I shared with them a scene from a movie, and a story written by Anaïs Nin. The movie was Risky Business and the scene is Love on a Real Train. I haven’t found the story again and I don’t know if I even remember it right but what remains in my imagination is a woman in a skirt being taken from behind in a populated, public space by a stranger.

What about these two “scenes” get me and why? As we explored and one of my co-students reframed my fantasy I was able to get more detail about what turned me on in the stories and what didn’t. For example, when he framed the the scene on the train as just me and a gentleman, I immediate corrected him – no, he’s not a gentleman. When my colleague added that no one was around, that was wrong too (even though that is the scene in Risky Business). It wasn’t about people being around and watching, it was about people being around and not knowing. In the Anaïs Nin story, the sex is public and also secret. This led me to memories of my first boyfriend and I having sex in my room at my parents house, in the middle of the day. Everyone was home but they had no idea what was going on in my bedroom. It was hot.

From this first layer excavation my takeaway was that secrecy, risk, and illicit sex are veins of rich ore in the mines of my desire. As I follow them more deeply other insights come to light. For instance, I’m not necessarily turned on by illicit as in dishonest – although the tension created by an affair definitely has its appeal. I get even more aroused by engaging in non-traditional sex and relationships. It turns out what arouses me is the risk involved in being vulnerable in my intimate relationships, and the super hot, shared secret of how sex can be, and how relationships can be, when engaged in authentically, erotically, naughtily, and openly.

My Hottest Sexual Movie is a work in progress. It is exhilarating to continue refining, learning, and practicing my movie! Exploring it in a group setting, being supported by community and supporting others is amazing. This year I have the opportunity to lead a group in the training and I am looking forward to helping others explore, find their HSM, embrace it and feel empowered to share with their partners freely and without shame.

We’re giving you an intimate glimpse into one woman’s quest to increase her libido, featuring excerpts from emails she wrote to close female friends as she worked with Celeste and Danielle in their Sex Therapy and Relationship Coaching practice.

In this second of five posts, we’ll look at what really helps women deal with their low sexual desire as she describes the transformation she and her husband went through. Our client writes:

“I knew logically that when we have great sex, so many other things are better – he is nicer to me and I am nicer to him, we have more fulfilling conversations, we play more joyfully with our son. I mean, who doesn’t want these things?!? So why were we sitting here nearly 2 decades into our relationship with my husband feeling like I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t desire sex in the way that he wanted? And was it going to be the thing that eventually destroyed our relationship?”

So she went to her OBGYN who told her that there really aren’t medications to solve this problem and the OBGYN recommended she contact a therapist, but they either weren’t available or not a good fit for her. Our client writes:

“My husband did what he does best and did some research online. And he found Celeste & Danielle, some fairly non-traditional Sex therapists. Most therapists focus on LOTS of talking and hopefully a moderately positive outcome. This one (Celeste & Danielle) focused on the transformative power of pleasure via exposing our vulnerabilities alongside a heavy dose of sex education.”

Lesson #1. Breathing… all the way down.

“Our first visit with the Sex therapist, we both shared our side of the story (VERY hard, LOTS of tears). She listened, connected with us, asked questions and even shed a tear herself. She comforted me and told me that as a female race, we’ve been taught OUR ENTIRE LIVES to keep it in our pants. She pointed out that that kind of brainwashing certainly makes it difficult to reconnect our mind with our pussy. Whether it’s that the initial infatuation period has worn off, or that work is stressful, or that the kids need attention, or that the dinner has to be made – it is SO EASY for us to focus on absolutely everything else other than our sexual needs and desires. She told me that most women have “low libido” which is just another way to say that we are disconnected from our sexuality. Try something right now. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out. Do you feel it down to your pussy? If you are like me a month ago, the answer is that you don’t. You take a deep breath in and out, and the sensation stops right in the middle of your torso. So take a moment, and try again. Take a REALLY deep breath in and out and connect it all the way down to your pussy. If you are like me a month ago, that was a really strange sensation. But it felt nice.”

Homework #1

“So what did our sex therapist ask us to do after that first appointment? Well, I had the brunt of the homework, or so my husband thought. I was to do little things – like when I walked outside and the air felt fresh and cool, or I liked the way the sky looked, or it was unusually warm, I was supposed to take a deep breath, all the way down to – you guessed it – my pussy. And yes, you say that word often enough and it heightens your awareness of your sexuality. I was also supposed to dress more slowly, to feel the sensation of the materials on my skin. As a couple, we were supposed to be more affectionate and playful. To greet each other more enthusiastically at the end of the day, to cuddle together, to have pillow fights. Finally, we were supposed to expand our sexuality outside of sex. To watch a Hollywood (not porn) movie together, to read erotica together. No connection to the act of sex itself, just to expand our awareness and enjoyment of each other’s sexuality.”

The bad and the good.

“I’ll be honest, there were days that didn’t go great. There were days I got upset about something at work, or how my husband handled something at home, or getting my period. But overall, the deep breaths and getting dressed slowly awakened something inside me that made it quite frankly, much easier to feel turned on in a way that I’ve never been able to do before. I’m not saying I automatically am thinking about sex a hundred times a day, it’s much more subtle than that. But I did start to find that these small moments throughout the day helped me realize I might not only want sex for my husband’s sake, or for logical reasons like connecting us more deeply, but I might want it for my own pleasure as well. I actually giggled one day riding home on the bike to realize that it must feel pretty damn good to be a guy and think like this all the time.”

A realization.

“On a long run between our first and second appointments with our sex therapist, I asked my husband how he thought it was going. He mentioned that he thought it was going well from a results standpoint, but he felt he wasn’t really contributing. He felt it was all because of what I was doing on my own. I told him that I felt like we were trying to climb a mountain and that yes, part of establishing base camp was me connecting within myself, but that I really felt an equally important part was feeling wanted (not just for sex, but really truly loved and cared for) and we talked about how important I felt it was for him to show me this in a super exaggerated way. For instance, when he gets home at night, to dazzle me with a deep kiss and to hold me in his arms for more than a quick second. Not because he wanted sex that night, but just because he loves me. Or to skip his normal routine of heading to the office upon arriving home, and to instead sit with me while I prepared dinner and to talk to me about his day or my day or anything else. He tried hard to do these things since, and it’s been as essential as some of the other more overtly sexual homework.”

We love that our client is letting us share her journey with you because so many women want a more robust sex drive. And the next installment will be about sexual tension, which everyone wants more of!

Women, do you know what men do so much better than us overall? They shut out the rest of the world when it is time for sex! We women, on the other hand, can get very distracted during sex, which is one of the reasons that we don’t get aroused or have orgasms as easily. Our distraction during sex is not surprising. From an early age we are taught that sex is not for us and that women who are very interested in sex or display their sexuality are sluts. This slut-shaming causes us to turn off our connection to our sexuality and desire which makes it very hard to get excited during sex.

In our practice as sex therapists and relationship coaches, we help women get reconnected to their sexuality and desire all the time. In our work we have found that, in order for you to get turned on and have intense orgasms, you need to get into your body, allow your arousal to rise and fall, and focus on sexy thoughts and fantasies. If you are waiting passively for your partner to excite you, you might just wait forever. With these three tools, you can take matters into your own hands!

Get Into Your Body

When women first start engaging in sex, we usually go quickly into trying to connect with and please our partners before we even connect to ourselves and our own body. When you start having sex, you need to get into yourself first. This might sound selfish, but since your arousal is the biggest gift you can give to your partner during sex, getting into yourself first is actually quite generous.

To get into your body during sex, take some time at the beginning to let your partner give you light, sexy touch while you take slow, deep breaths. You may need to close your eyes at first to really feel your body. Next, tune into the sensations in your body and start to make the connection with your pelvic floor — you can do this by focusing on your pelvic floor or doing Kegel (PC squeezes). Finally, start to move your body and make sounds in ways that enhance your pleasure and engagement.

Get Your Head in the Game

If you really want to get hot during sex you can begin feeding yourself with images and stories that get your juices flowing. The more you think about sex the more you want it. One of the most effective ways you can start getting yourself fully engaged in sex is by finding out what turns you on and asking for it or thinking about it when you are begin engaging in sex. So where can you find these sexy stories, images and ideas? Well, most women tell us they are not that into porn, and we understand! The videos and images that turn us on the most don’t come from porn, they come from highly erotic but non-pornographic movies.

Women get aroused much more from the psychological aspects of a scene or plot and much less by certain body parts moving in and out of other body parts. Whether you fantasize a lot or not at all, the brain loves new inspiration so we suggest you check out some movies or stories, either by yourself or with your lover, that you can use to lubricate your brain and get your head ready and excited for sex! Some of our favorites include Unfaithful, Secretary, and Wild Orchid. You might also check out some real-life women’s fantasies in Women on Top by Nancy Friday. Once you have a good idea of what turns you on, tell your partner or share some scenes and stories — you can do this in bed or as a warm-up before you even get started!

Don’t Panic When Your Arousal Goes Down

In bed, we often compare ourselves to men and think that we should just get aroused and that our arousal should build steadily until we orgasm. The truth is, women’s arousal takes some time to get started and goes up and down during a sexual experience. If we don’t get worried or preoccupied when it goes down, it can come right back up!

Let us know what stories and movies turn you on the most!

This blog post was published in Huffington Post, you can read it there and see some of the comments and conversations that it evoked.

There has been a lot of controversy about Robin Thicke lately, which has overshadowed what we see as the positive message of his song, “Blurred Lines.” If we can overlook the fact that he is wildly tooting his own horn (so to speak), we actually love the idea that a “Good girl…must wanna get nasty.” We are so tired of the idea that being a good girl means that you are not sexual, good girl or bad girl, if the seduction and touch is right for us, we all want it. Ladies if you want to help your partner seduce you properly, you might try playing with the archetype of the Good Girl or the Bad Girl. If you want to heat up your sex life tonight, ask yourself, “Am I a good girl or a bad girl?” If you are a good girl, are you ready to be corrupted, cherished, teased, worshiped? If you are a bad girl, are you hoping to be punished, chased after, in-charge, worshiped? – Oooooops, did we say worshiped twice 🙂 Let yourself create a full Good Girl or Bad Girl fantasy and share it in as much detail as possible with your partner. Do it right, and we don’t think you’ll get any sleep tonight!

Twerking – it is all the rage – but why? We have a natural instinct to twerk and jerk and roll our hips and moan and scream during sex. When we see someone do it, we think about sex and get turned on. When we see Miley Cyrus do it, she seems so disconnected from her authentic sexuality and does it for the sake of the performance, so people get upset. Miley’s disconnection likely comes from shame, a shame that is pervasive in our culture and shuts down our natural instincts of movement, desire and arousal. Happily, these instincts can be reawakened. If you want hot, exciting sex, you need to keep getting your body in the right position, to grind, to open your throat, to moan, to say what you want in a sexy way, to let the self-consciousness go and really get into it. It might be embarrassing at first, but we suggest you do your own form of twerking – get naked or in your sexiest outfit, turn on some sensual music, move, dance, make sexy noises, moan, touch yourself, and check yourself out in the mirror. The more you free your body, the more it will “do what comes naturally” and the hotter your sex will be. It’s a huge turn-on to move and moan and it’s hot to see and hear your lover too!

Dear Women,

The number one complaint of women around sexuality is low desire. While it might seem obvious, it bears mentioning that this has a lot to do with the fact that women are not getting the kind of sex that they want and are having a lot of sex without ever feeling aroused.  It is a universal truth that people gravitate towards experiences that are positive and avoid negative ones. If you are having sex for others the way they want it and those ways do not work for you, eventually you won’t want sex at all.

Many women think of sex as something that they do for their partners, they only have sex when their partner initiates and don’t even pay attention to their own desire as a way to know when they want to have sex. They end up coming to sex therapy because they are afraid of losing their relationship or they want to orgasm the way their partner wants them to orgasm (instead of the way they actually orgasm) or they want to enjoy sex because their partner had an affair and they want to be desirable.

The focus on their partner’s needs or getting or keeping a relationship and having sex that is not for them are some of the main reasons women have low desire.

If you want to feel your desire for sex, you must go through the process of a sexual awakening that is for and about you. You must stop having sex for other people and have it for yourself for reasons that feel good to you. You have to stop faking pleasure or orgasms and teach your partner how to give you the sex you want, and, if you don’t know what that is, you need to find out. You have to find your best paths to orgasm and claim that as the right path to orgasm for you instead of trying to have the orgasms you think you are supposed to have.

You have to wait until you are fully warmed up before trying to move towards orgasm. And, as a bonus, you can also find out what your true pleasure potential is by learning how to have multiple orgasms, G-Spot orgasms, and possibly even female ejaculation.

Hello Celeste and Danielle,

At the risk of being too blunt, I’ll come right out and tell you that I am a 45-year-old fit and sexually active divorced female who would like to figure out how to more easily have orgasms during intercourse. I have a G-Spot that responds well to finger stimulation plus oral sex to reach a terrific climax, but I have been unable to orgasm during intercourse without vigorous and sustained clitoral stimulation. I find this really frustrating, especially since the men I’ve been dating seem to think that most women can easily reach intercourse through penetration alone. I know you have several offerings. I have a limited budget, so I would like to identify the right workshop or approach for my specific request.
Thank you so much.

Angela (name has been changed)

Dear Angela,

It is wonderful to hear from you and we’d be delighted to help you as much as we can! Unfortunately, because of Freud’s insistence that clitoral orgasms were immature and vaginal orgasms during intercourse were the mature way of orgasming, women’s sexual pleasure and self-esteem suffered greatly. And women continue to suffer from trying to achieve this standard. Today we know that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. For women to have orgasms during intercourse, they need the penis to stimulate the G-Spot, which often requires particular positions or particular matches between genital sizes, movements, and rhythms. Women can also get clitoral orgasms during penetration without outside stimulation when a man’s pelvis rubs against or bumps against the clitoris or when the in-and-out motion of the penis pulls the inner lips and the hood across the clitoral head. Another way that women can experience orgasm through penetration is through cervical orgasm (this is the most rare as only a small percentage of women come from cervical stimulation alone). Unfortunately, many women feel the pressure to have unassisted orgasms during intercourse. Therefore, many women end up faking at least some of their orgasms. It is fine to explore your possibility for having orgasms from intercourse alone, but it is almost impossible to have those orgasms if you are feeling pressured or like there is something wrong with you if you don’t. Having orgasms during intercourse without the assistance of your hands, your partners hands or a vibrator is much more rare and the pressure to do so means that women end up have way less pleasure then they could during intercourse – they also feel bad about themselves, which makes them want to avoid sex.

We can tell you personally, that, as two very open, sexual women, we have very different experiences of sex and orgasm — and no one way is better. One of us is straight and one of us is bisexual. One of us can warm up and have orgasms very quickly and the other takes a long time to warm up. One of us can have each kind of orgasms – clitoral, G-Spot, and cervical – separately, while the other needs clitoral stimulation for all her orgasms. Both of us love combination orgasms the best (clit plus G-Spot or clit plus cervix). We both often have sex that doesn’t include any intercourse at all 🙂 We both really, REALLY love our vibrators and use them almost every time we have sex – we share a particular liking for the combination of strong finger stimulation on the G-Spot plus a Mystic Wand vibrator! One of us ejaculates often and with G-Spot orgasm, the other rarely ejaculates and the ejaculation is (so far) always separate from orgasm. Last but not least – we both love anal play and for one of us, it greatly enhances orgasm for the other anal is a wonderful variation to add some spice.

When we work with women, we begin by helping them accept and celebrate who they are and the pleasure they experience – whether or not they are having orgasms. We help women learn how to have clitoral, G-Spot, cervical and anal pleasure, ejaculation and multi-orgasms and we empower them to get their orgasms any way they can. We also strongly urge you to embrace and feel proud of the orgasms you have and to be clear with your partners that you expect them to embrace the ways you orgasm as well!

Warmly,

Celeste and Danielle

Hi Celeste and Danielle,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You confirmed a sneaking suspicion I’ve had, which is that the percentage of women who can climax during intercourse didn’t change during the years I was married, but the pressure to do so increased to such a degree that the number of women who say they can or are faking it increased quite a bit, leading men to believe that women who can’t have some kind of a deficit. It’s too bad. When I got married we didn’t know about our G spots in particular, and I think the awareness of what we can achieve my stimulating them is all good, but the attendant pressure on the hands-free orgasm isn’t.