There has been a lot of controversy about Robin Thicke lately, which has overshadowed what we see as the positive message of his song, “Blurred Lines.” If we can overlook the fact that he is wildly tooting his own horn (so to speak), we actually love the idea that a “Good girl…must wanna get nasty.” We are so tired of the idea that being a good girl means that you are not sexual, good girl or bad girl, if the seduction and touch is right for us, we all want it. Ladies if you want to help your partner seduce you properly, you might try playing with the archetype of the Good Girl or the Bad Girl. If you want to heat up your sex life tonight, ask yourself, “Am I a good girl or a bad girl?” If you are a good girl, are you ready to be corrupted, cherished, teased, worshiped? If you are a bad girl, are you hoping to be punished, chased after, in-charge, worshiped? – Oooooops, did we say worshiped twice 🙂 Let yourself create a full Good Girl or Bad Girl fantasy and share it in as much detail as possible with your partner. Do it right, and we don’t think you’ll get any sleep tonight!
Twerking – it is all the rage – but why? We have a natural instinct to twerk and jerk and roll our hips and moan and scream during sex. When we see someone do it, we think about sex and get turned on. When we see Miley Cyrus do it, she seems so disconnected from her authentic sexuality and does it for the sake of the performance, so people get upset. Miley’s disconnection likely comes from shame, a shame that is pervasive in our culture and shuts down our natural instincts of movement, desire and arousal. Happily, these instincts can be reawakened. If you want hot, exciting sex, you need to keep getting your body in the right position, to grind, to open your throat, to moan, to say what you want in a sexy way, to let the self-consciousness go and really get into it. It might be embarrassing at first, but we suggest you do your own form of twerking – get naked or in your sexiest outfit, turn on some sensual music, move, dance, make sexy noises, moan, touch yourself, and check yourself out in the mirror. The more you free your body, the more it will “do what comes naturally” and the hotter your sex will be. It’s a huge turn-on to move and moan and it’s hot to see and hear your lover too!
Firstly, we know many of you are very relationship-oriented and that wanting relationships and wanting to work on relationships is a wonderful thing. However, sometimes women get so focused on getting, having, and keeping relationships, that they lose themselves and forget to use therapy to understand who they are and what they want.
Women often drop out of therapy when there is a change in their relationship status. Women who get a boyfriend leave because they think they are “done.” Women whose partners leave them stop therapy because they were only coming to save the relationship – as though the relationship is what has issues, when, most often, it is our personal patterns (both men’s and women’s) in relationships that make them fall apart or thrive.
By focusing on the relationship instead of yourself, you lose an amazing opportunity to take responsibility for yourself, to find out what gives you pleasure, to be clear about who you are and what you want, to ask for what you need and set boundaries in order to create relationships where mutual respect and passion can truly last forever.
Women, whether you are in a relationship or not, we hope you will consider what it is YOU want to get out of therapy for YOURSELF and if you lose focus on your way to finding it, we are here and would love to help you realize what is possible for you.
The number one complaint of women around sexuality is low desire. While it might seem obvious, it bears mentioning that this has a lot to do with the fact that women are not getting the kind of sex that they want and are having a lot of sex without ever feeling aroused. It is a universal truth that people gravitate towards experiences that are positive and avoid negative ones. If you are having sex for others the way they want it and those ways do not work for you, eventually you won’t want sex at all.
Many women think of sex as something that they do for their partners, they only have sex when their partner initiates and don’t even pay attention to their own desire as a way to know when they want to have sex. They end up coming to sex therapy because they are afraid of losing their relationship or they want to orgasm the way their partner wants them to orgasm (instead of the way they actually orgasm) or they want to enjoy sex because their partner had an affair and they want to be desirable.
The focus on their partner’s needs or getting or keeping a relationship and having sex that is not for them are some of the main reasons women have low desire.
If you want to feel your desire for sex, you must go through the process of a sexual awakening that is for and about you. You must stop having sex for other people and have it for yourself for reasons that feel good to you. You have to stop faking pleasure or orgasms and teach your partner how to give you the sex you want, and, if you don’t know what that is, you need to find out. You have to find your best paths to orgasm and claim that as the right path to orgasm for you instead of trying to have the orgasms you think you are supposed to have.
You have to wait until you are fully warmed up before trying to move towards orgasm. And, as a bonus, you can also find out what your true pleasure potential is by learning how to have multiple orgasms, G-Spot orgasms, and possibly even female ejaculation.
Our social training as women has taught us some terrible lessons about how to be in relationships. Lessons in being women encourage us to put everyone else first, focus on others needs and problems, and blame others when things go wrong instead of taking responsibility for our choices and how we allow ourselves to be treated. The most dynamic, growth-oriented, successful and passionate lives and relationship come from doing just the opposite – they come from knowing what you want, prioritizing yourself, and being clear (in a kind way) with the people you love about your needs. Words like selfish are used against girls as they are growing up to train them to be caretakers of others before themselves. Yet, caretaking others before yourself leads to burn-out, resentment, blame and shutdown. We have made up a new word that we want to introduce to women as a guidepost to creating the life you want and being a mentor to your daughters, teaching them to be true to themselves as well. It is called Selfness. Selfnessmeans cultivating a strong relationship with yourself where you listen to your inner voice, speak up for yourself, follow your dreams, and proudly request what you want from others in your life. There are huge payoffs to cultivating Selfness, the most important of which is a deep respect for yourself and respect from those you love. Keeping in touch with and listening to this voice in the long-term creates a strong foundation for conscious relationships, financial success and loving, present parenting.