Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

One of our clients sent over this series of emails she wrote to her close female friends about working with us to address her low libido. We are so delighted that she is willing to open up about her journey, and we’ll be sharing it with you as a series of blog posts.

The Problem

In this first post, we will share with her absolutely on point description of what most couples experience when the woman in the relationship has lower desire and how they try to solve it. Our client writes:

“Over the course of the 19 years that I have been with my wonderful husband, we have had the great fortune to grow together in many ways. However, one thing that has been constant over the years is his sexual appetite has always been greater than my own. Sound familiar? That’s because a ridiculously huge proportion of women face similar issues in their relationships.”

Is Good the Enemy of Great?

“It wasn’t that I couldn’t have GOOD sex with my husband. Despite my self-diagnosed ‘low libido,’ we still managed to have sex on a moderately regular (albeit less than he would have liked) basis. But it was routine. I brushed my teeth, put on my pajamas, crawled into bed with him and we did the things we knew would please each other and we had sex. It was good. But GREAT sex required stars to be aligned. It required vacations, or alcohol, or a particularly perfect week at work and a kid who went to bed early or slept in late. It required me to get out of my head for a second and to not be annoyed that his loving overtures weren’t coming at a time where I was already in the mood, but to have them put me in the mood. It required a small miracle.”

Looking for the Quick Fix

Many couples try to resolve the issue with “quick fixes,” “hot tips,” and all sorts of short-cut solutions that generally don’t do much to shift people’s habits or change their sex lives and relationships. Our client continues:

“We’d had discussions over the years about this topic, and as a result of these emotional conversations, we’d stumble upon various tactics that would work for a SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. We’d decide to have sex every Wednesday, and it worked. For a month. We’d decide to be more amorous to each other outside the bedroom, and that worked. For a couple weeks. He would buy me sexy lingerie. That wouldn’t work (does that work for anyone but a guy?!?). We’d think that “Oh when the baby is older, we’ll get back in the groove” or “Oh, it’s the birth control pills, that’s it. After the vasectomy and I’m off the pills, we’ll magically want to jump each other’s bones all day long.”

Sound Familiar?

Some of you are probably nodding your heads emphatically right now, totally able to identify with our client’s situation. Society tells us that sex is easy, especially when you’re in a happy, loving relationship. In reality, many women suffer from occasional to frequent low-libido, making them frustrated with their relationships and themselves.

In our next post we’ll continue following our client on her journey as she searches for an answer to her low libido.

Here is a question we received from a reader:

Hi, I was going through your blog. I have a peculiar issue, maybe. I am 31, a mother of 2, and my husband is 34. He is very interested in sex — anywhere, anytime, — but me, I don’t know why, but I totally dislike it. He loves me a lot. And I feel bad that I discourage him, which hurts him a lot, but anytime he comes to me, even for a small kiss, I feel he is proposing sex. I have posted my problem in many blogs, but no luck till now. It’s been almost 3 years since I have let him near me. I feel sad for him. Please help.

The longer a couple goes without having sex, the more difficult and awkward it can be to start again. Your body actually forgets what it liked about sex. The good news is that a sex drought can make getting it on again even more exciting! We’ve helped many couples out of their sexless ruts, and find that the reasons they stopped having sex usually fall into three main categories.

Low sex drive – Some women naturally have a lower sex drive than they’ve been led to believe is “normal.” If your libido has always been lacking, it can be increased by simply spending more time thinking about sex! Tune in to the sensuality of the world around you, explore your turn-ons with erotic movies and books, and don’t forget to masturbate!

Emotional disconnect – For women in particular, misunderstandings and unresolved conflict in the relationship can cause a lack of connection and and make intimacy difficult. You and your partner must learn to effectively communicate your feelings and bridge the divide between you, because relationships are about repair.

Pushing the wrong buttons – Women frequently confide to us that their partner doesn’t know how they’d prefer to be approached, seduced, and pleasured, but they’ve never said anything to him! It’s crucial that you talk about your turn ons, even if you think they’re a little weird. Once your partner knows what you like, we can help him perfect his technique.

Even if it seems like your partner is always in the mood, he’s probably suffering from feelings of rejection and insecurity. He may fear that he won’t be able to perform well once you do start having sex. You need to make sure you keep communicating, reassuring one another, and working together to rebuild your sex life.

All this advice may be overwhelming. If you’re not sure where to begin again, a kiss is always a good start.

Women’s pleasure potential is through the roof, yet most women get nowhere near reaching it. We want to put the power of pleasure in your hands by helping you know your body, how it works, and what is possible. Once you know what is on the menu, you can choose the dishes you like best and that feel best in your body.

We want you to have all the delicious orgasms you can, but first a brief history of the facts and politics of women’s orgasms. If you remember nothing else, remember that 70% of women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Historically, Freud said that the only mature orgasm was a “vaginal orgasm.” Later, feminists fought for the clitoris, contenting that there was no such thing as a vaginal orgasm. More recently, we’ve learned that women can have orgasms that originate from three different places – the clitoris, the G-Spot, and the cervix. Some women get even more pleasure from combination orgasms, where two or more of these areas are being stimulated at the same time.

As sex and relationship coaches, the most important lesson we teach women is that every orgasm is a mature orgasm. Whether you get it from your fingers, your partner’s fingers, your partners mouth, your vibrator, or your partner’s pelvis/penis, celebrate and enjoy every second of it!

Warm Up

You are not going to get to any of these great orgasms unless your body and your mind has enough warm up. Check out our recent Huffington Post article 3 Ways to Get Excited to get some warm up tips! In addition, make sure that you ask your partner to kiss, lightly touch, and grab you while whispering adoration or fantasies in your ear.

No Pressure!

Your body will not respond well to pressure, so think of your pleasure potential journey as an exploration – instead of trying to reach the goal of having all the different kinds of orgasms, think of it as a way to learn what your body enjoys the most. Let’s put it this way, you can spend the rest of your life wishing you had the “right” kind of orgasms or you can spend it fully enjoying the ones you can actually have. We know which one we would choose!

Clitoral Orgasms

The easiest way to get a clitoral orgasm is by stimulating the clitoris yourself – usually starting slowly then getting much quicker – with your own fingers or a vibrator. Get a vibrator with multiple settings so you can start light and work your way up to just right! The next best way is to have your partner use their fingers or tongue. You can also get a clitoral orgasm from intercourse – when your partner’s pelvis rubs against the clitoris or the movement in and out pulls the lips of the clitoris across the hood. But for most women this may not be enough to result in orgasm because the stimulation is more intermittent and indirect. If you want to dramatically increase your likelihood of having an orgasm during intercourse use your fingers or your vibrator during the act.

G-Spot Orgasms

G-Spot orgasms come from pressure and movement across the inside of your vagina right past the urethral sponge. For most people, the best way to find it is to have your partner go inside with their fingers a little past the knuckles and then hook their fingers upwards. For most women the best G-Spot tool is their partner’s fingers – fingers are both sensitive and skillful. When your partner uses their fingers, while you direct them and give them feedback, they can moderate the location, pressure and speed of their touch – all very important for your ability to get a G-Spot orgasm.

If you try stimulating the G-Spot and don’t feel much at the first few times don’t give up. It takes time and repetition to awaken and sensitize the G-Spot. Also the G-Spot can generally take more pressure than most folks think, so invite harder, faster pressure and see how it feels. G-Spot sensation can be very intense and unfamiliar at first and might make you feel like you have to go to the bathroom, but you don’t! G-Spot pressure can lead to female ejaculation – yes ladies, it is a real thing! Try to stay with the intensity and add some clitoral stimulation or warm up with a clitoral orgasm before your partner uses their fingers on your G-Spot.

Cervical Orgasms

Cervical orgasms come from stimulation on your cervix – the opening of your uterus – located deep inside your vagina. The best tools for the cervix are a penis, a toy, or long fingers. Some women have a very sensitive cervix and can only take very light pressure while others like very hard pressure. The cervix is also a great candidate for combination orgasms: try giving yourself some clitoral touch or vibrations at the same time as your cervix is stimulated.

We hope you will continue to find out all about your body and how it works so you can have the most pleasurable sex life possible!

Women, do you know what men do so much better than us overall? They shut out the rest of the world when it is time for sex! We women, on the other hand, can get very distracted during sex, which is one of the reasons that we don’t get aroused or have orgasms as easily. Our distraction during sex is not surprising. From an early age we are taught that sex is not for us and that women who are very interested in sex or display their sexuality are sluts. This slut-shaming causes us to turn off our connection to our sexuality and desire which makes it very hard to get excited during sex.

In our practice as sex therapists and relationship coaches, we help women get reconnected to their sexuality and desire all the time. In our work we have found that, in order for you to get turned on and have intense orgasms, you need to get into your body, allow your arousal to rise and fall, and focus on sexy thoughts and fantasies. If you are waiting passively for your partner to excite you, you might just wait forever. With these three tools, you can take matters into your own hands!

Get Into Your Body

When women first start engaging in sex, we usually go quickly into trying to connect with and please our partners before we even connect to ourselves and our own body. When you start having sex, you need to get into yourself first. This might sound selfish, but since your arousal is the biggest gift you can give to your partner during sex, getting into yourself first is actually quite generous.

To get into your body during sex, take some time at the beginning to let your partner give you light, sexy touch while you take slow, deep breaths. You may need to close your eyes at first to really feel your body. Next, tune into the sensations in your body and start to make the connection with your pelvic floor — you can do this by focusing on your pelvic floor or doing Kegel (PC squeezes). Finally, start to move your body and make sounds in ways that enhance your pleasure and engagement.

Get Your Head in the Game

If you really want to get hot during sex you can begin feeding yourself with images and stories that get your juices flowing. The more you think about sex the more you want it. One of the most effective ways you can start getting yourself fully engaged in sex is by finding out what turns you on and asking for it or thinking about it when you are begin engaging in sex. So where can you find these sexy stories, images and ideas? Well, most women tell us they are not that into porn, and we understand! The videos and images that turn us on the most don’t come from porn, they come from highly erotic but non-pornographic movies.

Women get aroused much more from the psychological aspects of a scene or plot and much less by certain body parts moving in and out of other body parts. Whether you fantasize a lot or not at all, the brain loves new inspiration so we suggest you check out some movies or stories, either by yourself or with your lover, that you can use to lubricate your brain and get your head ready and excited for sex! Some of our favorites include Unfaithful, Secretary, and Wild Orchid. You might also check out some real-life women’s fantasies in Women on Top by Nancy Friday. Once you have a good idea of what turns you on, tell your partner or share some scenes and stories — you can do this in bed or as a warm-up before you even get started!

Don’t Panic When Your Arousal Goes Down

In bed, we often compare ourselves to men and think that we should just get aroused and that our arousal should build steadily until we orgasm. The truth is, women’s arousal takes some time to get started and goes up and down during a sexual experience. If we don’t get worried or preoccupied when it goes down, it can come right back up!

Let us know what stories and movies turn you on the most!

This blog post was published in Huffington Post, you can read it there and see some of the comments and conversations that it evoked.

The New York Times recently published an article on kissing where researchers tried to figure out exactly what role kissing plays in relationships.

The problem with researchers is that their job is to study what is and not what can be… As sex and relationship coaches, we know that kisses are not all the same and that kissing can be much more of an arousing experience if couples learn how to give each other the most passionate, tantalizing, teasing kisses there are! Here’s what we wrote about kissing in our recent newsletter:

Kisses are the gateway drug to sex. So, don’t just dive in there, take your time. The perfect kiss isn’t born, it’s made. It starts with that look. You know, the one that melts your insides. The longing look into your eyes then down towards your lips that says, I don’t think I can wait another minute, but just looking is soooooooo good. Then, you move towards each other, savoring the moment when your lips first touch. You feel the texture, puffy, smooth, wet. You start to move your lips together in a dance, feeling the chill that goes through your body as your tongues first touch. Go slowly at first, tasting, licking then deepen into more passion and movement. Notice how deep your partner puts their tongue in your mouth, see what it’s like to match their rhythm. Don’t forget to TAKE BREAKS. No matter how good a kiss, if you just sit there, faces pressed together, even the most amazing kiss can get boring. So, don’t be lazy! Whether it is your first kiss or you’ve been kissing for a very long time, remember to pull back, tease, look in your lover’s eyes again, kiss their cheeks and the corners of their mouth, kiss down and bite their neck, and look in their eyes again (we can’t emphasize the power of the look enough)! Once you have perfected the kiss follow us on Facebook or Twitter and tell us all about it. We want to hear about YOUR PERFECT KISS!!!