Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Dear Women,

We have been working with women for years and, as women ourselves, one of the things that excites us most is to empower women to have a Big Life and get everything that they want. A Big Life includes, but is not limited to or defined by, a deep and passionate relationship. Sadly, what we see again and again working with women is how women give up on themselves and prioritize things that don’t actually help them get the very things that they want so badly – deep, connected, passionate relationships and empowered successful lives.

In the next few weeks we will post 3 entries on how women can get what they really want in relationships including prioritizing yourself, having sex when and how you want it, using therapy as a tool for personal empowerment first and finding and repairing relationships second.

Our third of three posts outlining common issues that women face in dating and the top three mistakes we may make when facing these issues.

Mistake #3 – Making Sex for Him Instead of for You

Last but most definitely not least, women often experience the intensity and passion of the beginnings of sex with their partner but quickly lose interest in sex because they are going along with what their partner wants instead of really finding out for themselves what makes them tick sexually. Women are mostly told by our culture that sex is not for them, and so sex gets put on the back burner.

Women think that the men in their lives are also willing to put sex on the back burner and live without it. Then women feel hurt and surprised or are in denial when their partners turn to porn, paid sex or affairs. We believe this response is rooted in cultural lessons that teach women that sex is extraneous or frivolous as opposed to a core need. While there are also many women who want more sex and better sex in their relationship, there are few who are willing to follow through on finding out what THEY truly desire and then share it with their partners gently and openly. It is true that some men don’t want directions, however, many men are dying for women to tell them what they want so that they can give it to them.

Our second of three posts outlining common issues that women face in dating and the top three mistakes we may make when facing these issues. Day 2 has to do with how we communicate:

Mistake #2 – From No Communication to Unkind Communication

The idea that Mr. Right will just know what you want without you having to ask, causes women who are dating to wait patiently and hope that he will be the man you want him to be — without you having to say anything.

This generally means that women in long term relationships have been holding their tongue and waiting for so long, when the frustration of not getting what they want finally comes out it comes out in blaming, shaming or accusatory ways, making the men in their lives feel useless and hopeless about pleasing them. The focus moves from bolstering a man’s ego and never telling him when you need something different to tearing him down and making him feel horrible.

Communicating your needs and boundaries does not need to be harsh – in fact, you can be clear about your boundaries and needs in a clear, loving, and connected way. When you realize it is impossible for anyone to read your mind or any one person to meet all of your needs, you can begin learning how to ask for, receive and delight in the gifts your partner actually has to offer.

Cory Silverberg’s fantastic article combats more than just fatigue, it is for anyone where sex has waned in their relationship. Acknowledgment, acceptance, focusing on sex beyond just intercourse, and focusing on desire are all things we champion as Somatica practitioners and we’re really happy to see them here. Embodiment is not just for times when you are at your peak – it is something to experience all the time, staying connected with yourself, acknowledging what you are capable of, and communicating your feelings, desires and capacities with your partner.