Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

This is the season to connect with loved ones and that’s just what Celeste and Danielle’s client and her husband do their Sex Therapy session and in part 3 of our series featuring her candid writings.

Lesson: Tension and Touching

“The second appointment with our sex therapist was full of laughter and more “flow,” a major change from our first appointment full of tears and apprehension. We talked about how we were afraid this would be like other attempts; that this new found passion would sputter and die out as it has in the past. The sex therapist reassured us that this is a long road and there was a lot more we could do to ensure this was a long-lasting change. She talked about some essential elements to great sex. She talked about energy, and specifically tension, and she talked about touch.”

“To illuminate what she meant about tension, she talked about those Hollywood movies where you can see and feel the build-up (think Mr and Mrs Smith). She said all great sex starts with that, and tension starts before sex. She led us through some breathing exercises (together this time — yay, dual participation) and had us take a deep breath in, then tighten our muscles (my pussy, his cock) and then exhale fully while relaxing those muscles. She made sure we were breathing through our mouths for this, and said mouth breathing is very important during sex. She encouraged us to be as vocal as we’d like on the exhale, though I’ll admit we were both pretty quiet. I mean, this is strange, right?!? Then she talked about touch: good touch, bad touch, light touch, heavy touch. Not touching genitals or anything, just touching each other’s arms and face and shoulders and legs. It’s pretty powerful stuff moving from tension to touch. And yeah, none of this is secret stuff we don’t know about. It comes naturally in the heat of the moment. But it is really interesting to talk about, break down, and reconsider how the things that happen outside of the heat of the moment can lead up to something really amazing.”

Homework: Sexy Movie Night

“So, now we are currently working on breathing and touching, and we’re watching some Hollywood movies with great sexual tension. And it’s working. And it’s great. And it seems so different from what might have happened if I had gone to the therapist that my OBGYN suggested.”

We’re giving you an intimate glimpse into one woman’s quest to increase her libido, featuring excerpts from emails she wrote to close female friends as she worked with Celeste and Danielle in their Sex Therapy and Relationship Coaching practice.

In this second of five posts, we’ll look at what really helps women deal with their low sexual desire as she describes the transformation she and her husband went through. Our client writes:

“I knew logically that when we have great sex, so many other things are better – he is nicer to me and I am nicer to him, we have more fulfilling conversations, we play more joyfully with our son. I mean, who doesn’t want these things?!? So why were we sitting here nearly 2 decades into our relationship with my husband feeling like I wasn’t attracted to him and didn’t desire sex in the way that he wanted? And was it going to be the thing that eventually destroyed our relationship?”

So she went to her OBGYN who told her that there really aren’t medications to solve this problem and the OBGYN recommended she contact a therapist, but they either weren’t available or not a good fit for her. Our client writes:

“My husband did what he does best and did some research online. And he found Celeste & Danielle, some fairly non-traditional Sex therapists. Most therapists focus on LOTS of talking and hopefully a moderately positive outcome. This one (Celeste & Danielle) focused on the transformative power of pleasure via exposing our vulnerabilities alongside a heavy dose of sex education.”

Lesson #1. Breathing… all the way down.

“Our first visit with the Sex therapist, we both shared our side of the story (VERY hard, LOTS of tears). She listened, connected with us, asked questions and even shed a tear herself. She comforted me and told me that as a female race, we’ve been taught OUR ENTIRE LIVES to keep it in our pants. She pointed out that that kind of brainwashing certainly makes it difficult to reconnect our mind with our pussy. Whether it’s that the initial infatuation period has worn off, or that work is stressful, or that the kids need attention, or that the dinner has to be made – it is SO EASY for us to focus on absolutely everything else other than our sexual needs and desires. She told me that most women have “low libido” which is just another way to say that we are disconnected from our sexuality. Try something right now. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out. Do you feel it down to your pussy? If you are like me a month ago, the answer is that you don’t. You take a deep breath in and out, and the sensation stops right in the middle of your torso. So take a moment, and try again. Take a REALLY deep breath in and out and connect it all the way down to your pussy. If you are like me a month ago, that was a really strange sensation. But it felt nice.”

Homework #1

“So what did our sex therapist ask us to do after that first appointment? Well, I had the brunt of the homework, or so my husband thought. I was to do little things – like when I walked outside and the air felt fresh and cool, or I liked the way the sky looked, or it was unusually warm, I was supposed to take a deep breath, all the way down to – you guessed it – my pussy. And yes, you say that word often enough and it heightens your awareness of your sexuality. I was also supposed to dress more slowly, to feel the sensation of the materials on my skin. As a couple, we were supposed to be more affectionate and playful. To greet each other more enthusiastically at the end of the day, to cuddle together, to have pillow fights. Finally, we were supposed to expand our sexuality outside of sex. To watch a Hollywood (not porn) movie together, to read erotica together. No connection to the act of sex itself, just to expand our awareness and enjoyment of each other’s sexuality.”

The bad and the good.

“I’ll be honest, there were days that didn’t go great. There were days I got upset about something at work, or how my husband handled something at home, or getting my period. But overall, the deep breaths and getting dressed slowly awakened something inside me that made it quite frankly, much easier to feel turned on in a way that I’ve never been able to do before. I’m not saying I automatically am thinking about sex a hundred times a day, it’s much more subtle than that. But I did start to find that these small moments throughout the day helped me realize I might not only want sex for my husband’s sake, or for logical reasons like connecting us more deeply, but I might want it for my own pleasure as well. I actually giggled one day riding home on the bike to realize that it must feel pretty damn good to be a guy and think like this all the time.”

A realization.

“On a long run between our first and second appointments with our sex therapist, I asked my husband how he thought it was going. He mentioned that he thought it was going well from a results standpoint, but he felt he wasn’t really contributing. He felt it was all because of what I was doing on my own. I told him that I felt like we were trying to climb a mountain and that yes, part of establishing base camp was me connecting within myself, but that I really felt an equally important part was feeling wanted (not just for sex, but really truly loved and cared for) and we talked about how important I felt it was for him to show me this in a super exaggerated way. For instance, when he gets home at night, to dazzle me with a deep kiss and to hold me in his arms for more than a quick second. Not because he wanted sex that night, but just because he loves me. Or to skip his normal routine of heading to the office upon arriving home, and to instead sit with me while I prepared dinner and to talk to me about his day or my day or anything else. He tried hard to do these things since, and it’s been as essential as some of the other more overtly sexual homework.”

We love that our client is letting us share her journey with you because so many women want a more robust sex drive. And the next installment will be about sexual tension, which everyone wants more of!

One of our clients sent over this series of emails she wrote to her close female friends about working with us to address her low libido. We are so delighted that she is willing to open up about her journey, and we’ll be sharing it with you as a series of blog posts.

The Problem

In this first post, we will share with her absolutely on point description of what most couples experience when the woman in the relationship has lower desire and how they try to solve it. Our client writes:

“Over the course of the 19 years that I have been with my wonderful husband, we have had the great fortune to grow together in many ways. However, one thing that has been constant over the years is his sexual appetite has always been greater than my own. Sound familiar? That’s because a ridiculously huge proportion of women face similar issues in their relationships.”

Is Good the Enemy of Great?

“It wasn’t that I couldn’t have GOOD sex with my husband. Despite my self-diagnosed ‘low libido,’ we still managed to have sex on a moderately regular (albeit less than he would have liked) basis. But it was routine. I brushed my teeth, put on my pajamas, crawled into bed with him and we did the things we knew would please each other and we had sex. It was good. But GREAT sex required stars to be aligned. It required vacations, or alcohol, or a particularly perfect week at work and a kid who went to bed early or slept in late. It required me to get out of my head for a second and to not be annoyed that his loving overtures weren’t coming at a time where I was already in the mood, but to have them put me in the mood. It required a small miracle.”

Looking for the Quick Fix

Many couples try to resolve the issue with “quick fixes,” “hot tips,” and all sorts of short-cut solutions that generally don’t do much to shift people’s habits or change their sex lives and relationships. Our client continues:

“We’d had discussions over the years about this topic, and as a result of these emotional conversations, we’d stumble upon various tactics that would work for a SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. We’d decide to have sex every Wednesday, and it worked. For a month. We’d decide to be more amorous to each other outside the bedroom, and that worked. For a couple weeks. He would buy me sexy lingerie. That wouldn’t work (does that work for anyone but a guy?!?). We’d think that “Oh when the baby is older, we’ll get back in the groove” or “Oh, it’s the birth control pills, that’s it. After the vasectomy and I’m off the pills, we’ll magically want to jump each other’s bones all day long.”

Sound Familiar?

Some of you are probably nodding your heads emphatically right now, totally able to identify with our client’s situation. Society tells us that sex is easy, especially when you’re in a happy, loving relationship. In reality, many women suffer from occasional to frequent low-libido, making them frustrated with their relationships and themselves.

In our next post we’ll continue following our client on her journey as she searches for an answer to her low libido.

Here is a question we received from a reader:

Hi, I was going through your blog. I have a peculiar issue, maybe. I am 31, a mother of 2, and my husband is 34. He is very interested in sex — anywhere, anytime, — but me, I don’t know why, but I totally dislike it. He loves me a lot. And I feel bad that I discourage him, which hurts him a lot, but anytime he comes to me, even for a small kiss, I feel he is proposing sex. I have posted my problem in many blogs, but no luck till now. It’s been almost 3 years since I have let him near me. I feel sad for him. Please help.

The longer a couple goes without having sex, the more difficult and awkward it can be to start again. Your body actually forgets what it liked about sex. The good news is that a sex drought can make getting it on again even more exciting! We’ve helped many couples out of their sexless ruts, and find that the reasons they stopped having sex usually fall into three main categories.

Low sex drive – Some women naturally have a lower sex drive than they’ve been led to believe is “normal.” If your libido has always been lacking, it can be increased by simply spending more time thinking about sex! Tune in to the sensuality of the world around you, explore your turn-ons with erotic movies and books, and don’t forget to masturbate!

Emotional disconnect – For women in particular, misunderstandings and unresolved conflict in the relationship can cause a lack of connection and and make intimacy difficult. You and your partner must learn to effectively communicate your feelings and bridge the divide between you, because relationships are about repair.

Pushing the wrong buttons – Women frequently confide to us that their partner doesn’t know how they’d prefer to be approached, seduced, and pleasured, but they’ve never said anything to him! It’s crucial that you talk about your turn ons, even if you think they’re a little weird. Once your partner knows what you like, we can help him perfect his technique.

Even if it seems like your partner is always in the mood, he’s probably suffering from feelings of rejection and insecurity. He may fear that he won’t be able to perform well once you do start having sex. You need to make sure you keep communicating, reassuring one another, and working together to rebuild your sex life.

All this advice may be overwhelming. If you’re not sure where to begin again, a kiss is always a good start.

Women, do you know what men do so much better than us overall? They shut out the rest of the world when it is time for sex! We women, on the other hand, can get very distracted during sex, which is one of the reasons that we don’t get aroused or have orgasms as easily. Our distraction during sex is not surprising. From an early age we are taught that sex is not for us and that women who are very interested in sex or display their sexuality are sluts. This slut-shaming causes us to turn off our connection to our sexuality and desire which makes it very hard to get excited during sex.

In our practice as sex therapists and relationship coaches, we help women get reconnected to their sexuality and desire all the time. In our work we have found that, in order for you to get turned on and have intense orgasms, you need to get into your body, allow your arousal to rise and fall, and focus on sexy thoughts and fantasies. If you are waiting passively for your partner to excite you, you might just wait forever. With these three tools, you can take matters into your own hands!

Get Into Your Body

When women first start engaging in sex, we usually go quickly into trying to connect with and please our partners before we even connect to ourselves and our own body. When you start having sex, you need to get into yourself first. This might sound selfish, but since your arousal is the biggest gift you can give to your partner during sex, getting into yourself first is actually quite generous.

To get into your body during sex, take some time at the beginning to let your partner give you light, sexy touch while you take slow, deep breaths. You may need to close your eyes at first to really feel your body. Next, tune into the sensations in your body and start to make the connection with your pelvic floor — you can do this by focusing on your pelvic floor or doing Kegel (PC squeezes). Finally, start to move your body and make sounds in ways that enhance your pleasure and engagement.

Get Your Head in the Game

If you really want to get hot during sex you can begin feeding yourself with images and stories that get your juices flowing. The more you think about sex the more you want it. One of the most effective ways you can start getting yourself fully engaged in sex is by finding out what turns you on and asking for it or thinking about it when you are begin engaging in sex. So where can you find these sexy stories, images and ideas? Well, most women tell us they are not that into porn, and we understand! The videos and images that turn us on the most don’t come from porn, they come from highly erotic but non-pornographic movies.

Women get aroused much more from the psychological aspects of a scene or plot and much less by certain body parts moving in and out of other body parts. Whether you fantasize a lot or not at all, the brain loves new inspiration so we suggest you check out some movies or stories, either by yourself or with your lover, that you can use to lubricate your brain and get your head ready and excited for sex! Some of our favorites include Unfaithful, Secretary, and Wild Orchid. You might also check out some real-life women’s fantasies in Women on Top by Nancy Friday. Once you have a good idea of what turns you on, tell your partner or share some scenes and stories — you can do this in bed or as a warm-up before you even get started!

Don’t Panic When Your Arousal Goes Down

In bed, we often compare ourselves to men and think that we should just get aroused and that our arousal should build steadily until we orgasm. The truth is, women’s arousal takes some time to get started and goes up and down during a sexual experience. If we don’t get worried or preoccupied when it goes down, it can come right back up!

Let us know what stories and movies turn you on the most!

This blog post was published in Huffington Post, you can read it there and see some of the comments and conversations that it evoked.

The New York Times recently published an article on kissing where researchers tried to figure out exactly what role kissing plays in relationships.

The problem with researchers is that their job is to study what is and not what can be… As sex and relationship coaches, we know that kisses are not all the same and that kissing can be much more of an arousing experience if couples learn how to give each other the most passionate, tantalizing, teasing kisses there are! Here’s what we wrote about kissing in our recent newsletter:

Kisses are the gateway drug to sex. So, don’t just dive in there, take your time. The perfect kiss isn’t born, it’s made. It starts with that look. You know, the one that melts your insides. The longing look into your eyes then down towards your lips that says, I don’t think I can wait another minute, but just looking is soooooooo good. Then, you move towards each other, savoring the moment when your lips first touch. You feel the texture, puffy, smooth, wet. You start to move your lips together in a dance, feeling the chill that goes through your body as your tongues first touch. Go slowly at first, tasting, licking then deepen into more passion and movement. Notice how deep your partner puts their tongue in your mouth, see what it’s like to match their rhythm. Don’t forget to TAKE BREAKS. No matter how good a kiss, if you just sit there, faces pressed together, even the most amazing kiss can get boring. So, don’t be lazy! Whether it is your first kiss or you’ve been kissing for a very long time, remember to pull back, tease, look in your lover’s eyes again, kiss their cheeks and the corners of their mouth, kiss down and bite their neck, and look in their eyes again (we can’t emphasize the power of the look enough)! Once you have perfected the kiss follow us on Facebook or Twitter and tell us all about it. We want to hear about YOUR PERFECT KISS!!!

There has been a lot of controversy about Robin Thicke lately, which has overshadowed what we see as the positive message of his song, “Blurred Lines.” If we can overlook the fact that he is wildly tooting his own horn (so to speak), we actually love the idea that a “Good girl…must wanna get nasty.” We are so tired of the idea that being a good girl means that you are not sexual, good girl or bad girl, if the seduction and touch is right for us, we all want it. Ladies if you want to help your partner seduce you properly, you might try playing with the archetype of the Good Girl or the Bad Girl. If you want to heat up your sex life tonight, ask yourself, “Am I a good girl or a bad girl?” If you are a good girl, are you ready to be corrupted, cherished, teased, worshiped? If you are a bad girl, are you hoping to be punished, chased after, in-charge, worshiped? – Oooooops, did we say worshiped twice 🙂 Let yourself create a full Good Girl or Bad Girl fantasy and share it in as much detail as possible with your partner. Do it right, and we don’t think you’ll get any sleep tonight!