Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Joy is contagious, unfortunately so are anxiety and insecurity. So many people start dates from one extreme or another instead of a place of grounded confidence where they are open to actually enjoying themselves. Romantics may be 20 steps ahead – already so in love with the idea of what could be, while self-described realists may already be bemoaning the fact that they are wasting their time when they could just have a surefire fun night with friends and a pint (of beer, ice-cream, or both). Many folks approach dating as if it is a job interview and are generally caught up on how they will perform. They worry about how the other candidate will measure up or they oscillate and between performance anxiety and competition. We are not saying dating is easy, but there are some ways that a change in approach can really impact the experience, even if the fit is not amazing. Dating with joy is an important skill for people who are in a relationship as well. Many couples have a date night but start to dial it in and make it as much like any other night as possible. This holiday season why don’t we all try these 5 ways to bring a little magic to this artform.

The Pre-Party: Getting ready for a date can be a great way to get grounded and start off with some joy of your own. Do something that is a bit indulgent – take a bubble bath, a longer shower, eat a little something that makes you feel your senses come alive. Listen to your anthem, the one that makes you feel like you can do anything. If you are coupled, think about getting ready on your own. It may feel contrived but it can allow you to look at your partner with fresh eyes if you didn’t just pass them the soap in your getting ready shower. Some people like to take their pre-party a little further, perhaps, all the way. For some a little self-love can be a great way to relieve nerves and get in touch with your desire. Others can get started but might enjoy a date more if they have held out on a big O. Only you can know you body. We encourage you to start dating yourself and remember how fun you are before you even meet up.

A Joyous Plan: Who doesn’t like dinner? For a foodie a surefire joyous plan may be a night at a new food truck park or a great new restaurant. But for those of us that have been on a lot of dates it can feel like a movie montage where the person across from you swaps out but your experience remains the same. As an alternative, try something a bit less stationary and more dynamic. This is a great season for it. Go ice-skating, caroling, go on a hunt for the best-decorated houses in your area. Do a car picnic and watch the sunset or go to indoor mini-golf. See a comedy show and just enjoy yourself (and have a window into their sense of humor without all the pressure). Make a plan that you are excited about.

Stories are Everything: If you are dating someone new take the time to really hear their stories and appreciate how unique they are. Also, when you are telling your own stories, try and be as honest about yourself as possible instead of editing. Be confident that you are fascinating because we all are when we share our unique perspectives. If you are in an LTR try asking your partner to tell you some stories you may not know. Perhaps about a childhood crush or an accomplishment they never got to brag about.

Having Fun Doesn’t Mean You’re Leading Anyone On: Some people feel like they need to be overly “realistic” and make the date an unpleasant one if they feel there will not be a follow-up. We want to give you permission to enjoy yourself without worrying about the future. You might end up surprising yourself, making a new friend, or just having a good story. You can always end by saying, “I had a great time with you, and am not totally feeling the chemistry, but I’m glad we met.”

Strong Finish: Now we don’t necessarily expect the date to end in a night of mind-blowing sex until the morning. If it does, great! You’re welcome ;). But there are many outcomes that can still feel great and leave you with a feeling of hope and joy. This season is a chance to be a little kinder, more open, and share your unique self with the world. Even if your after-party is solo, we are sure you can think of some ways to make it joyous! At the end of date night remember all of the wonderful things you enjoy – about yourself, your date, where you live, what you ate, etc. Gratitude is contagious as well.

So, you are an older woman who likes to date young, hot, shy tech nerds. For years, everything was going along fine. They played their video games quietly in the privacy of their own homes while you were somewhere (anywhere) else. Then…suddenly, and without any warning, video games became an outdoor sport. If you are not ready to settle down with a nice guy born in the ‘60’s or ‘70’s who won’t even know what a Pikachu is, then it’s time for you to follow this important cougar’s survival guide to Pokemon Go.

#1 You can’t beat ‘em, so join ‘em

Since Pokemon go is a 24/7 pastime, if you really want to continue to have a youthful babe by your side, you will have to play the game. In addition to working on some fine motor skills as you perfect your curveball, you will be seen by your sweetheart and their friends as one of the coolest cougars around.

#2 Look on the bright side

For the first time, your sweetheart will go on a walk with you any time, day or night. They will be especially keen to go on hikes at 3 in the morning, when it’s much easier to hold a gym long enough to collect some coins! And, at least it’s social. You might even meet some of your baby’s friends who, up til now, you’ve only seen in their chat screens. What’s more, you will finally all have something to talk about. For example, you can figure out together how many pokemon to collect before using a lucky egg. You can even sit around and evolve together. This type of evolution must not be confused with actual personal growth – it’s about gathering enough candy to become the Rainer Vaporean you’ve always wanted to be!

#3 Manage your blood pressure.

If you have begun to play the game, then you are already familiar with the goal of the game – to enslave as many small, cute, disturbing and weirdly named cartoon creatures as you can so that you can use them to gain power, money and prestige and make them fight your enemies. Don’t feel bad, these kinds of human pursuits have been around since long before video games and at least no one dies permanently. Your Pokemon are revivable – revive them with a diamond or a spray from a 409 squirt bottle full of magic potion.

The hardest part of the whole thing is catching the squirrely little buggers without swearing, sweating and or raising your blood pressure. This is why we recommend using some yoga breathing techniques. The steps are as follows:

  • Gently tempt them with a raspberry
  • Throw the appropriately colored ball at them
  • When the ball shimmies for the 2nd and 3rd time, instead of holding your breath and feeling your heart rate spike every time the little f***ers bust out, breathe deeply – five counts in and five out
  • Practice a buddhist level of non-attachment to beating your sweetheart at the game. Young, male techies can change their sleep schedules on a dime and only need 2-3 hours a night – if you want to survive don’t compete!

#4 Use incense as your gateway to sex

Finally, and most importantly, if your sweetheart has tired himself out day after day from all the walking they’ve never done before, don’t despair – it is still possible to get sex. Just “borrow” their phone and “mistakenly” drop one of their incense in the house when they first wake up. This will keep them busy catching Pokemon at home so you can spend the next half hour getting into your sexiest outfit and setting up the playroom. As soon as the 30 minutes incense has burned out, attack him. Works like a charm!!!

As women, we are being told that until we look a particular way, we can’t be proud of our bodies, enjoy them, dress up in any way that we want or enjoy and be playful with our sexuality. One of our role models is Jessica Rabbit – while she is a drawing and there is no way that any woman will ever look like her, we realized that we can’t be Jessica, but we sure can feel like we live in her body.

Imagine being Jessica one day of your life – what would you do differently? What would you say that you don’t dare to say otherwise? What would you think of yourself? Why wait to be Jessica, you can have her attitude in your own beautiful body. Yummmmm – that’s a fun way to live life.

Our third of three posts outlining common issues that women face in dating and the top three mistakes we may make when facing these issues.

Mistake #3 – Making Sex for Him Instead of for You

Last but most definitely not least, women often experience the intensity and passion of the beginnings of sex with their partner but quickly lose interest in sex because they are going along with what their partner wants instead of really finding out for themselves what makes them tick sexually. Women are mostly told by our culture that sex is not for them, and so sex gets put on the back burner.

Women think that the men in their lives are also willing to put sex on the back burner and live without it. Then women feel hurt and surprised or are in denial when their partners turn to porn, paid sex or affairs. We believe this response is rooted in cultural lessons that teach women that sex is extraneous or frivolous as opposed to a core need. While there are also many women who want more sex and better sex in their relationship, there are few who are willing to follow through on finding out what THEY truly desire and then share it with their partners gently and openly. It is true that some men don’t want directions, however, many men are dying for women to tell them what they want so that they can give it to them.

Our second of three posts outlining common issues that women face in dating and the top three mistakes we may make when facing these issues. Day 2 has to do with how we communicate:

Mistake #2 – From No Communication to Unkind Communication

The idea that Mr. Right will just know what you want without you having to ask, causes women who are dating to wait patiently and hope that he will be the man you want him to be — without you having to say anything.

This generally means that women in long term relationships have been holding their tongue and waiting for so long, when the frustration of not getting what they want finally comes out it comes out in blaming, shaming or accusatory ways, making the men in their lives feel useless and hopeless about pleasing them. The focus moves from bolstering a man’s ego and never telling him when you need something different to tearing him down and making him feel horrible.

Communicating your needs and boundaries does not need to be harsh – in fact, you can be clear about your boundaries and needs in a clear, loving, and connected way. When you realize it is impossible for anyone to read your mind or any one person to meet all of your needs, you can begin learning how to ask for, receive and delight in the gifts your partner actually has to offer.