Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

When people look to the experts for sex advice, they often imagine they are going to get a list of “hot tips” or techniques to “drive their partner wild”. After many years of working in the realm of sexual arousal, we have found that what really turns people has more to do with the energy of connection than any one particular technique and, even more importantly, that techniques offered without this energetic connection generally fall flat.

It turns out that you being deeply connected to your own desire and arousal, to the erotic energy in your body, and then looking at or touching someone from that place, is the most powerful gift you can give your lover, partner, husband or wife. We want to invite you to play with the intensity of the moment of contact with your sweetheart. It is a moment we so often rush right past, missing our chance at the potential for a deeper connection.

Try this: sit or lie next to your partner and breathe deeply into your body until you can begin to feel your own sense of desire and longing. If you don’t know how to get in touch with this, you may want to download one of our breathwork sessions for men or women and practice.

Once you feel connected to this feeling inside your own body, turn to your partner and look at them from this place, letting the desire for them move out through your eyes. And then, one at a time, very slowly place a hand on your partners body and don’t move it at all, but give enough pressure to your partner’s body that you feel there with them. Take this Magic Moment of Connection as an opportunity to feel the linking up of your own and your partners erotic energy (or whatever kind of energy you sense in their body and yours at the moment). It might feel a little bit buzzy and faster than yours, it might feel deep and slower than yours.

Before you start moving your hand at all, allow your two energies to link up. As you begin to touch or kiss each other, stay tuned to this energetic connection between your bodies and let it guide your hands, your lips and your body. Throughout your erotic experience, continue to attend to this connection. If it feels challenging at first, just continue to play with it without judgment and let your partner know when you are really feeling it from them. If you want help practicing, we are always here!

If you think of boundaries as essential to love and intimacy, then offering a boundary is actually a gift. Unfortunately, usually when people share their boundaries, they feel like they are being selfish or will hurt their partner so they aren’t clear or they have waited and begun to build resentment and then theboundaries come out as harsh. Imagine the next time a boundary is about to be crossed, that sharing thatboundary is a huge gift to yourself, your partner and the relationship and offer it joyfully. For example, you might say, “I feel much closer to you when I only have sex with you when I feel like it. Tonight, I’m not feeling like it because I need to be well-rested in the morning” or “I really love talking with you, but I have had a rough day and I really don’t have the bandwidth to listen right now.” While you might experience some amount of distance or hurt from your partner, it is better to allow them to experience this disappointment than to end up shut down and distant. No one can be everything to their partner and relationships must have space for disappointment if they are going to thrive. Stay tuned for our upcoming blog on Surviving Disappointment…

A queasy or shut down feeling in the body or anger are good signs that you feel someone is asking you to cross your boundaries, you are about to let your boundary be crossed or you have let your boundary be crossed. Please notice that we are not saying that someone is crossing your boundaries, but that you are letting your boundaries be crossed.
We often let our boundaries be crossed because we are afraid we will be left or will hurt our partner. Unfortunately, avoiding loss or hurt by allowing your boundaries be crossed over and over again actually kills intimacy, which is much more likely to lead to loss and hurt in the long run. However, unless someone has a gun to your head or is forcing you, they are not crossing your boundaries, you are letting your boundaries be crossed.
It is the personal responsibility of each of us to pay attention to our boundaries and to care for them by communicating them when necessary. No one else can know your boundaries but you. If you expect others to try to track them and protect them, you will experience a tremendous amount of disappointment and it will be difficult to have a healthy relationship. The good news is, it is possible to learn your boundaries and share them in ways that are both clear and loving. We invite you to begin to notice when you are allowing your boundaries to be crossed in order to maintain equilibrium or avoid conflict in the relationship, the sensations that go along with letting your boundaries be crossed and how it makes you feel about yourself, your partner and your relationship.

A news article titled “Are There Really 40 Year Old Virgins?” caught our attention recently. We are so happy about the appearance of this article in Psychology Today. We have worked with many virgins to help them overcome shyness or fear around intimacy so that they can approach potential partners and initiate conversations and intimacy. For men in particular, who are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. While we are not surrogate partners, the work we do is very experiential and, unlike surrogates, we focus on the chemistry of attraction, helping folks move beyond technique to seduction as as well as displays of desire and passion. Often, after men have worked with us, they decide to keep their virginity private and the women they sleep with have no clue. One of the virgins we worked with had a partner who said, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. She thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good 🙂

We have also worked with women virgins to help them feel safe and open with their sexuality, to overcome shyness and to communicate their needs directly with potential partners. Another big issue that women face is lack of orgasm. Many women lose their virginity but are still orgasmically virgins. We love to help women learn how to have their first orgasm, to orgasm with a partner (if they can only do it through masturbation) or to expand their orgasmic potential to multiple orgasms or G-Spot orgasms. We have both female and male colleagues so that folks can work with whatever gender person feels right for them, depending on their sexual identity and sense of safety. It’s great to see this topic being discussed in a mass distribution publication like Psychology Today and we hope that all the virgins and orgasmic virgins out there feel inspired to get the help they need.

So tell us, have you had the experience of having sex with and “older” virgin? What was it like knowing you were helping this person transition into non-virginity?

You might not believe it, but humans make mistakes all the time – you, your partner, your best friend, your parents, Celeste and Danielle… everyone. The first step in gaining more confidence is admitting to yourself that you are not perfect, and then letting your partner in on that little known secret. When you allow for your imperfections to show, you make room for your partner’s imperfections as well, and then we can all be relieved to know that none of us has it “all together” – then we can really be ourselves in a good healthy relationship.

How to be more confident in relationships is not about knowing for certain that you are going to do everything perfect (p.s. you aren’t), it comes from knowing that the love, connection or caring between you and another person is strong enough to make room for your imperfections, the moments of disconnection, mistakes and all your other foibles. When you are truly confident, what you know is that you are available and can stay present through those moments of misunderstanding, disconnection and imperfection and that you can trust your partner (and others) to do their best in the situation as well. It is less about apologizing and forgiving than it is about really hearing and understanding what each person in the relationship is feeling and staying with that feeling until they are all out, heard and held. This creates reparation and reunion and allows your personal confidence and your confidence in a relationship to build in a healthy way. We invite you to take the time and energy to build this confidence by being real, sharing your underlying feelings and learning ways you and your partner can stop blaming and shaming and instead become a team focused on reparation and re-connection.

Dating can be a fun adventure or a big, huge drag – usually it is a combination of the two. Because of the drag part and because most of us would rather be in a relationship than dating, people end up doing something we call “Consoli-Dating”. This means that they go on a couple of crappy coffee dates, finally find someone with whom they feel some chemistry and, before they even begin to get to know one another, decide to be exclusive. In other words, this tiny little sprout of a connection, which has barely begun to grow, suddenly has all the pressures on it of a full-blown relationship. This means two people who don’t even know whether they can survive a weekend trip together are either evaluating whether or not they have the same life goals, values, and child-rearing methods or denying any red flags that might come up because they are already committed.

We suggest you try dating in a way that can let connections grow slowly and organically and without so much pressure. Here are some tips to make dating less of a drag:

1) Make the first date short and non-committal – coffee, tea, a walk, or happy hour or something much more interesting, but still quickly escapable.

2) Don’t Market…Be Yourself – think of a date as seeing how it feels to hang out with someone. This means you actually have to let yourself hang out. Don’t make it a marketing session or an interview, connection is about chemistry not checking off a list of must-haves.

3) Not Working? Say Goodbye – As soon as you know that you don’t like someone that way, gently let them down. You are NEVER doing them a favor if you aren’t interested, you are wasting their time.

4) Most Important – Don’t Consoli-Date. Whether or not you are, most people you are dating are marketing, often for months. This means you might not even begin to see many aspects of who they are for a while. During this time of getting to know them, continue to date other people or at least leave open the option to do so. If you do, you might actually allow a tiny little bud to blossom into something great.

While conservatives often deny their need for sexual variety, it  turns out that the states that are full of folks claiming  “I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage” are the same states that purchase the most porn. New research published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives shows that those states whose residents vote more conservatively and support such statements as “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior” actually purchase slightly more porn than more liberally voting states. Sex is one of our most basic and natural drives, and sexual repression and sex negativity sends our desires underground where they are bound to come out many ways. In light of this recent research, we want to reach out to everyone, regardless of your values, your politics or your sexual practices; we are here to support you in embracing your sexual desire and finding your fullest, most healthy expression of it.