Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Joy is contagious, unfortunately so are anxiety and insecurity. So many people start dates from one extreme or another instead of a place of grounded confidence where they are open to actually enjoying themselves. Romantics may be 20 steps ahead – already so in love with the idea of what could be, while self-described realists may already be bemoaning the fact that they are wasting their time when they could just have a surefire fun night with friends and a pint (of beer, ice-cream, or both). Many folks approach dating as if it is a job interview and are generally caught up on how they will perform. They worry about how the other candidate will measure up or they oscillate and between performance anxiety and competition. We are not saying dating is easy, but there are some ways that a change in approach can really impact the experience, even if the fit is not amazing. Dating with joy is an important skill for people who are in a relationship as well. Many couples have a date night but start to dial it in and make it as much like any other night as possible. This holiday season why don’t we all try these 5 ways to bring a little magic to this artform.

The Pre-Party: Getting ready for a date can be a great way to get grounded and start off with some joy of your own. Do something that is a bit indulgent – take a bubble bath, a longer shower, eat a little something that makes you feel your senses come alive. Listen to your anthem, the one that makes you feel like you can do anything. If you are coupled, think about getting ready on your own. It may feel contrived but it can allow you to look at your partner with fresh eyes if you didn’t just pass them the soap in your getting ready shower. Some people like to take their pre-party a little further, perhaps, all the way. For some a little self-love can be a great way to relieve nerves and get in touch with your desire. Others can get started but might enjoy a date more if they have held out on a big O. Only you can know you body. We encourage you to start dating yourself and remember how fun you are before you even meet up.

A Joyous Plan: Who doesn’t like dinner? For a foodie a surefire joyous plan may be a night at a new food truck park or a great new restaurant. But for those of us that have been on a lot of dates it can feel like a movie montage where the person across from you swaps out but your experience remains the same. As an alternative, try something a bit less stationary and more dynamic. This is a great season for it. Go ice-skating, caroling, go on a hunt for the best-decorated houses in your area. Do a car picnic and watch the sunset or go to indoor mini-golf. See a comedy show and just enjoy yourself (and have a window into their sense of humor without all the pressure). Make a plan that you are excited about.

Stories are Everything: If you are dating someone new take the time to really hear their stories and appreciate how unique they are. Also, when you are telling your own stories, try and be as honest about yourself as possible instead of editing. Be confident that you are fascinating because we all are when we share our unique perspectives. If you are in an LTR try asking your partner to tell you some stories you may not know. Perhaps about a childhood crush or an accomplishment they never got to brag about.

Having Fun Doesn’t Mean You’re Leading Anyone On: Some people feel like they need to be overly “realistic” and make the date an unpleasant one if they feel there will not be a follow-up. We want to give you permission to enjoy yourself without worrying about the future. You might end up surprising yourself, making a new friend, or just having a good story. You can always end by saying, “I had a great time with you, and am not totally feeling the chemistry, but I’m glad we met.”

Strong Finish: Now we don’t necessarily expect the date to end in a night of mind-blowing sex until the morning. If it does, great! You’re welcome ;). But there are many outcomes that can still feel great and leave you with a feeling of hope and joy. This season is a chance to be a little kinder, more open, and share your unique self with the world. Even if your after-party is solo, we are sure you can think of some ways to make it joyous! At the end of date night remember all of the wonderful things you enjoy – about yourself, your date, where you live, what you ate, etc. Gratitude is contagious as well.

So, you are an older woman who likes to date young, hot, shy tech nerds. For years, everything was going along fine. They played their video games quietly in the privacy of their own homes while you were somewhere (anywhere) else. Then…suddenly, and without any warning, video games became an outdoor sport. If you are not ready to settle down with a nice guy born in the ‘60’s or ‘70’s who won’t even know what a Pikachu is, then it’s time for you to follow this important cougar’s survival guide to Pokemon Go.

#1 You can’t beat ‘em, so join ‘em

Since Pokemon go is a 24/7 pastime, if you really want to continue to have a youthful babe by your side, you will have to play the game. In addition to working on some fine motor skills as you perfect your curveball, you will be seen by your sweetheart and their friends as one of the coolest cougars around.

#2 Look on the bright side

For the first time, your sweetheart will go on a walk with you any time, day or night. They will be especially keen to go on hikes at 3 in the morning, when it’s much easier to hold a gym long enough to collect some coins! And, at least it’s social. You might even meet some of your baby’s friends who, up til now, you’ve only seen in their chat screens. What’s more, you will finally all have something to talk about. For example, you can figure out together how many pokemon to collect before using a lucky egg. You can even sit around and evolve together. This type of evolution must not be confused with actual personal growth – it’s about gathering enough candy to become the Rainer Vaporean you’ve always wanted to be!

#3 Manage your blood pressure.

If you have begun to play the game, then you are already familiar with the goal of the game – to enslave as many small, cute, disturbing and weirdly named cartoon creatures as you can so that you can use them to gain power, money and prestige and make them fight your enemies. Don’t feel bad, these kinds of human pursuits have been around since long before video games and at least no one dies permanently. Your Pokemon are revivable – revive them with a diamond or a spray from a 409 squirt bottle full of magic potion.

The hardest part of the whole thing is catching the squirrely little buggers without swearing, sweating and or raising your blood pressure. This is why we recommend using some yoga breathing techniques. The steps are as follows:

  • Gently tempt them with a raspberry
  • Throw the appropriately colored ball at them
  • When the ball shimmies for the 2nd and 3rd time, instead of holding your breath and feeling your heart rate spike every time the little f***ers bust out, breathe deeply – five counts in and five out
  • Practice a buddhist level of non-attachment to beating your sweetheart at the game. Young, male techies can change their sleep schedules on a dime and only need 2-3 hours a night – if you want to survive don’t compete!

#4 Use incense as your gateway to sex

Finally, and most importantly, if your sweetheart has tired himself out day after day from all the walking they’ve never done before, don’t despair – it is still possible to get sex. Just “borrow” their phone and “mistakenly” drop one of their incense in the house when they first wake up. This will keep them busy catching Pokemon at home so you can spend the next half hour getting into your sexiest outfit and setting up the playroom. As soon as the 30 minutes incense has burned out, attack him. Works like a charm!!!

When we work with couples, we always encourage them to have a Hottest Sexual Movie conversation, but not until we have given them the proper tools and understandings so they can truly share their deepest desires. In this series we have taken you through The Hottest Sexual Movie 101, and shared some details to help you decide if your movie fits into the common genres of Romantic, Passionate or Dominant and Submissive. Now we want to help you in creating a space, outside of our sex therapy office, where you can share and learn each other’s movies.

These conversations have some very specific rules to follow if you want to make space for connection and intimacy. Before talking about the rules, we want to make an important distinction between Hottest Sexual Movies and fantasies.

Your Hottest Sexual Movie consists of the experiences you actually want to have. In addition to this, you may have a set of fantasies that you use to increase your arousal during sex or masturbation but that you don’t actually want to fully enact in the world. For example, you might fantasize about group sex but have no interest in actually experiencing it. These may exist totally outside of your sexual relationship together or you might want to be able to express these fantasies to your partner in a way that brings them into your movie. For example, if you are playing with dominant/submissive dynamics you may want your partner to punish you for having this fantasy. Conversely, you may just want to use it for yourself and never share it in an erotically charged space. We encourage you to share both your movies and your fantasies as part of the conversation and be specific.

Sharing your hottest sexual movie will take self-awareness, conscious communication and non-judgmental acceptance. It will also require the ability to know and share your boundaries, the willingness to learn instead of feeling like you already need to know, and a whole lot of creativity. One word of caution, When it comes to sharing past experiences with other lovers, be aware that this could trigger hurt. Be especially careful not to compare your partner to someone else with whom you’ve had amazing sex. Trust us, they will never forget this.

When you describe your movies, picture the character(s), the action, the setting, and what you feel. While it is a beautiful gift to really dive into the role of guest star in your partner’s movie, you also have a right to decide which parts you are ready to try now, which parts you might want to add later, and which parts you may never do at all. You might have more than one movie or might want to begin in one and move into another one. For example you might find a romantic seduction scenario is what gets you started but when it comes to actually getting you off a more passionate, animalistic sex fits the bill. Sometimes the process of articulating these desires can open up new avenues of play and seduction.

Always remember that none of this is set in stone. This is an ongoing conversation that you and your partner can always revisit and amend. In our book, Making Love Real, we go into greater depth as to how the process of discovering, sharing and finally acting out your hottest sexual movie can change your relationship in lasting and amazing ways.

In case you are not familiar with the acronym AFGO, it stands for Another F****** Growth Opportunity and New Year’s resolutions are just that. Instead of making an epic list of daily life alterations that will likely overwhelm you until you rebel against all of the them around January 15th, we have an idea for how you can make a resolution that can enhance your sex life and strengthen your relationship potential.

Instead of taking stock on a basic level, how about doing some self-searching this year to see the ways in which you would like to focus on your own erotic growth and emotional responsiveness. Heightening your emotional responsiveness, as opposed to allowing emotional reactivity to take over, is a life change that will reverberate into all elements of your life. As we discuss in our recent book, Making Love Real, we have worked with countless clients who have resolved to push their sexual pleasure beyond what they believed was possible.

It is not as complicated as it may seem to make these life-altering changes. In fact, this resolution also involves simply making lists. First, we suggest to start by finding the edges of your sexual comfort and jotting them down. This way you can take stock of where you would like to explore and expand. Simply doing this part of the exercise can offer a means of self-acceptance that leads to growth.

Next, make a list of the things that can be challenging about being in a relationship with you and see which one you are most interested in facing this year. Facing these challenges could mean finding deeper acceptance for yourself as you are, might mean learning new tools to replace old habitual responses and it might just be coming to it with your partner so that they know what they’re up against.

These lists may seem epic. The more honest you are the longer they may be. That is actually a good thing. But this year you will simply choose one from each list to tackle. We find that so many of our issues are interrelated, and that by truly paying attention to these two issues you select will allow you to experience erotic growth and increased emotional responsiveness in other areas as well. We know you can do it! Can’t wait to hear about your amazing 2016!

Jennifer LawrenceBetween cell phone cameras, dash cams, nanny cams, internet hackers, and all that Facebook and Google mine from our accounts and emails every day, it is no surprise that celebrity photos of Jennifer Lawrence recently surfaced on the web. While we, as a culture, may feel that we have a right to privacy, the facts of modern life mean that we don’t much have a reality of privacy anymore.

This is a mixed bag – on the one hand it means that police brutality and campus rapes have been caught on camera making it possible to prosecute people who probably would otherwise have gotten away with their crimes. It also means that when you take nude photos and store them on your computer or online, or send an intern a dick pic or send your boyfriend that hot beaver shot, it is safe to assume the intended audience might not be the only audience.

We believe the end of privacy has potential to change our society drastically, especially around sex and relationships, which will continue to be more and more under the purview of the public eye. Will this make us more open and less prudish as a culture? Possibly. Will it continue to spark debate and raise consciousness about rape and objectification? Hopefully. And as for Jennifer’s and her nude photos, she appears to be a deeply sexually empowered woman. While we should all be outraged that they were published without her consent, we hope she will not be ashamed of them. We think they are gorgeous.

Thanks to our amazing colleagues over at Better Sex Ed for this wonderful review of Cockfidence! Keep up the great work ladies!!!

Cockfidence  by Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel, is probably one of the best books for guys that want to genuinely improve their confidence (in and out of the bedroom) and the way they interact with women. It is a practical book that goes far beyond just giving sex tips; it shows men how they can be true to themselves and be amazing lovers at the same time.” Read more .

When people look to the experts for sex advice, they often imagine they are going to get a list of “hot tips” or techniques to “drive their partner wild”. After many years of working in the realm of sexual arousal, we have found that what really turns people has more to do with the energy of connection than any one particular technique and, even more importantly, that techniques offered without this energetic connection generally fall flat.

It turns out that you being deeply connected to your own desire and arousal, to the erotic energy in your body, and then looking at or touching someone from that place, is the most powerful gift you can give your lover, partner, husband or wife. We want to invite you to play with the intensity of the moment of contact with your sweetheart. It is a moment we so often rush right past, missing our chance at the potential for a deeper connection.

Try this: sit or lie next to your partner and breathe deeply into your body until you can begin to feel your own sense of desire and longing. If you don’t know how to get in touch with this, you may want to download one of our breathwork sessions for men or women and practice.

Once you feel connected to this feeling inside your own body, turn to your partner and look at them from this place, letting the desire for them move out through your eyes. And then, one at a time, very slowly place a hand on your partners body and don’t move it at all, but give enough pressure to your partner’s body that you feel there with them. Take this Magic Moment of Connection as an opportunity to feel the linking up of your own and your partners erotic energy (or whatever kind of energy you sense in their body and yours at the moment). It might feel a little bit buzzy and faster than yours, it might feel deep and slower than yours.

Before you start moving your hand at all, allow your two energies to link up. As you begin to touch or kiss each other, stay tuned to this energetic connection between your bodies and let it guide your hands, your lips and your body. Throughout your erotic experience, continue to attend to this connection. If it feels challenging at first, just continue to play with it without judgment and let your partner know when you are really feeling it from them. If you want help practicing, we are always here!