Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

To really excite and intrigue any woman, you need to be passionate about more than just her; you need to begin to look at your whole life through passionate eyes. If you are currently living your life based on what you should do instead of what interests or intrigues you, it is time to find your own path that excites and inspires you, and to support the women in your life in finding their passion too. It is possible to bring passion into every part of your life, and a Cockfident man feels passion for his work flowing into passion for his hobbies, flowing into passion for his partner.

Live a Life of Passion

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? As a boy, there were probably many activities and topics you were passionate about and we hope there still are. If, in the time it took to read this last paragraph about passion, you haven’t already identified three things you are passionate about (not including your partner if you have one), then it is time for you to reacquaint yourself with your passionate side. Your sense of freedom and power rests on your ability to enjoy your own life and give your gift to the world. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is willing to follow through with what they truly believe. Notice if you are judging any of your passions as trivial or discounting them. Notice whose voices are in your head naysaying or criticizing. Just for a moment, see if you can suspend the judgmental voice and remember what you are passionate about. You might also think about how your family of origin responded to ideas or desires that inspired you and how they communicated their expectations.

Take some time to ponder or write on the following questions:

  • What is a topic that you could talk about for hours without tiring?
  • What activities do you do that make you feel more like yourself?
  • What are things that you do for your friends or family that make you feel most proud and content?
  • What ideas and experiences grab your interest and make your heart beat faster?

Now check what percentage of your life is spent in the pursuit of these activities, ideas and experiences. Is it enough? Only you know the answer to this question, only you can decide what you want your life to look like, and only you can know the right way to live your life.

We have heard of a lot of talk lately about the big “T” – testosterone, and more specifically, testosterone replacement therapy. (TRT, which is a nice way to say “injecting yourself with a highly volatile anabolic steroid, possibly for the rest of your life.”) If you decide to start TRT, after a while, you may not be able to stop, in part because the mechanism that creates testosterone naturally in your body is on a negative feedback loop – meaning the more your body senses that it has, the less it makes. And while hypogonadism (the condition that causes low testosterone) is a serious issue and is not to be discounted, it is much more rare than the numbers of men being diagnosed as having low testosterone. If you think you might have hypogonadism, you should get yourself tested. It is much more likely that many men (and women) have low testosterone for many different reasons, and we wanted to point out some alarming facts in the big T conundrum. We also then give you five real ways to naturally boost (in some cases quite high ) your free testosterone. Maybe you or someone you know has been diagnosed, or you suspect you might have low testosterone – or are just curious about it all – read on…

* Drug company lobbying playing a part?

Testosterone is actually a fairly small and easy to make molecule so we are concerned that drug companies are pushing a high profit margin substance and selling an easy-to-make drug off of worry and panic about what is quite dear to you – a source of masculinity the identity that is tied to that. As we said, TRT is a lifelong commitment, and in some cases complex methods must be taken to kick-start testosterone production back up again in men that were taking it – including taking human chorionic gonadotrophin, a hormone produced in women during pregnancy.

* Testosterone must be “free” to be important

Most doctors measure total testosterone to make a diagnosis of low testosterone, despite the American Association for Clinical Chemistry and many other world-wide organizations asking for standardized testing and a type of testing for what is known as “Free Testosterone”, which is the amount of testosterone in your body that is available (“free”) for use and not bound to a larger molecule that makes it essentially inert. Free testosterone is less than two percent of your total testosterone, and because it exists in such small amounts, the testing gets less accurate and therefore more expensive to do correctly. What makes this even worse is that total testosterone varies a great deal among men, and it does not accurately predict free testosterone, which varies much less. If your doctor only tests total testosterone, you can have low total, but high free testosterone and be put on a lifelong treatment plan incorrectly.

* Testosterone levels vary significantly depending on when you are tested.

Your levels significantly vary day-to-day, and even hour-by-hour, and no single test should be used to say definitively that you do or not not have low testosterone.

A tremendous amount can be done before you take drugs!

We have listed five scientifically proven – and in some cases very simple – ways to dramatically increase your testosterone. Some might even be counter-intuitive to what you may imagine. Here’s our top five list of things to do to naturally boost testosterone (for both men and women.)

  1. Diet. As you might have imagined, diet plays a huge part. You might have heard soy and soy products simulate estrogen in the body, and while this may not have an effect on your testosterone levels, it does have an effect on your estrogen levels – in other words, if you’re trying to dye your hair black, you don’t want to put white dye in the mix. But more important is your fat-to-carb-to-protein ratio (30%-50%-20% is ideal, respectively.) It has actually been proven that too much protein will tell your body to slow down testosterone production (it is unknown as to why – perhaps a biological throwback to your body’s response to a time of plenty, when you’ve got protein and can therefor settle down a bit.) You want about 20% of your calories coming from protein to be ideal, or about 500 calories on a 2500 calorie daily diet. Eating nuts and peanuts is also great – monounsaturated fats are good for production of free testosterone.
  2. Work out – but work out correctly! Imagine if we told you that you need to go to the gym and go as hard as you can with a high-stress workout that included weightlifting reps of 8 to 12 in order to raise testosterone. You might believe it, but in fact, high-stress workouts LOWER your testosterone levels. Many studies done on athletes have shown that the higher the stress is on your body during a workout, the lower your testosterone, and testosterone production, is later – up to two weeks later. So what’s the best workout? Weightlifting. But, similar studies have also shown that lifting lots of reps with less than 85% of your one-rep max (what you can at your maximum effort once) has NO EFFECT on testosterone production. The ideal workout is 3 to 5 reps of near your maximum, with tons of rest between sets. Keep the overall stress low, but the wight (and the sounds you make when lifting) high. We recently asked an elite strength athlete that works at one of our gyms how he got such huge biceps – his answer? What weightlifters and other strength athletes have known since the studies were done in the 70s and 80s – don’t lift biceps – lift big muscle groups. In fact, this guy had enormous biceps and NEVER did a bicep curl in his life. He pointed us to studies that even showed that men who only lifted with their big leg and core muscles got LARGER pecs and biceps than men that exclusively lifted biceps and pecs/ Why? – Entirely due to the overall benefit of added testosterone.
  3. REST. Rest is the singular most important item on this list and perhaps the most overlooked. We mentioned rest in your workout as key, and stress as bad for testosterone production, so the more you sleep, the more your body recovers and the more testosterone it makes. It’s that simple – but few people take the time to sleep more.
  4. Body Fat. The leaner you are, the more testosterone you produce. (Sadly, it’s not vice-versa.) But no crash diets! Greatly reducing your calorie intake is a huge source of stress to your body, and your testosterone will plummet. If you need to lose weight, do it slowly.
  5. Sex! (And masturbation! Yay!) For men, simply having an erection raises testosterone production. So the more the merrier! For women, having sex raises testosterone (and it does not need to be intercourse, although some studies show intercourse with a man significantly raises a woman’s testosterone.) If you’d like help getting more in touch with your sexual self and learning how to create the sex life that you want out in the world, we’d love to help you with this.

We really hope this helps in your quest for “T” knowledge. While we are not physicians, we really care about your health, and ultimately, your sex lives. Low testosterone can be a very serious issue, but it can also be a symptom – not necessarily the cause – of a lager emotional or psychological issue. Stress, rest, sex – they are all interconnected, and taking a drug to balance out what your body really needs (as opposed to when there is an actual illness) is never a good idea.

Growing up, many boys saw their parents and other close adults, filled with pressure and an expectation to provide, give to their families out of obligation. Fathers stayed in tedious jobs they hated and dealt with their partner’s and children’s needs because that was what they were “supposed” to do. Mothers gave up their dreams and desires and did everything for the sake of their children. These role models generally ranged from resigned to resentful and angry. They were certainly neither free nor powerful.

Boys who grew up with the message that they were supposed to put their own needs, feelings, goals and desires aside in the name of obligation often turn into men who give from a place of obligation. They slowly, and often unconsciously, build resentment and frustration along the way. As they continue along the path of obligation, these men begin to feel deprived and unfulfilled.

At the same time, many men experience a feeling of scarcity around women; they are afraid that women only want them for what they can give or they fear they will never find another woman if they lose the one they have. In the face of this perceived scarcity, they attempt to maintain the relationship by giving or doing things that they don’t want to do. When you are giving out of scarcity and obligation you lose true generosity. Worse, this kind of giving often leads to resentment. When you stay true to your own goals and desires and give from love instead of obligation, you are free, powerful and emotionally available to your partner because you are being who you really are. This is why it is essential to learn how to give out of generosity.

There is an easy way to tell that you are giving from a place of generosity as opposed to obligation. When you are in the act of giving, breathe deeply and tune in to what it feels like in your body in the moment. If you are feeling light and excited during the experience, then you know you are giving from generosity; if you feel a sense of heaviness, exhaustion or frustration, you are giving out of obligation.

The tricky part about giving out of obligation is that it can seem like it feels good because you can get a lot of positive reinforcement. For example, working at a job you hate day in and day out may get you consistent appreciation from your partner, but the actual sensations that you have during the hours and hours you spend at work are oppressive and painful. Over time, your life gets more and more unbearable as you feel less and less freedom to live your life the way that you want to. The same can happen in your sex life. Being an Extraodinary Lover and a Cockfident man means listening to your body as you give.

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

A news article titled “Are There Really 40 Year Old Virgins?” caught our attention recently. We are so happy about the appearance of this article in Psychology Today. We have worked with many virgins to help them overcome shyness or fear around intimacy so that they can approach potential partners and initiate conversations and intimacy. For men in particular, who are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. While we are not surrogate partners, the work we do is very experiential and, unlike surrogates, we focus on the chemistry of attraction, helping folks move beyond technique to seduction as as well as displays of desire and passion. Often, after men have worked with us, they decide to keep their virginity private and the women they sleep with have no clue. One of the virgins we worked with had a partner who said, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. She thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good 🙂

We have also worked with women virgins to help them feel safe and open with their sexuality, to overcome shyness and to communicate their needs directly with potential partners. Another big issue that women face is lack of orgasm. Many women lose their virginity but are still orgasmically virgins. We love to help women learn how to have their first orgasm, to orgasm with a partner (if they can only do it through masturbation) or to expand their orgasmic potential to multiple orgasms or G-Spot orgasms. We have both female and male colleagues so that folks can work with whatever gender person feels right for them, depending on their sexual identity and sense of safety. It’s great to see this topic being discussed in a mass distribution publication like Psychology Today and we hope that all the virgins and orgasmic virgins out there feel inspired to get the help they need.

So tell us, have you had the experience of having sex with and “older” virgin? What was it like knowing you were helping this person transition into non-virginity?