We love involving more and more of the whole body in a sexual experience, and when you engage your senses everywhere you go, life can be one big sexy adventure. Embodiment through sensual engagement is not just a foundation for the work that we do in sessions, but ultimately for everything we do out in the world. Eating ice cream or watching leaves ripple on a tree on a windy day can be extremely arousing and sexy, especially when you allow all of your senses to feed into and connect with your sexual desire.
Sensuality is an approach to sexual connection that utilizes all the senses: sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing. Sensuality is indicated by a willingness to go slow, give varied touch, and enjoy the stimulation of all of your and your partner’s senses in a sexual experience. It is predicated on the ability to focus on each delectable moment of a sexual interaction and to let go of orgasm as the only or ultimate goal of sex. When women describe their best sexual experiences, they almost always express detailed descriptions of sensual acts such as kissing, touching or being looked at with desire. When you bring sensuality to a woman, you are catering to her body’s longings.
Women’s capacity for pleasure and orgasms is endless. While this sounds very promising, these possibilities can bring up performance anxiety for many women who worry that they need to have every type of orgasm and be able to ejaculate, etc. Women also fear that they take too long; while men are often trying to hold off on their orgasms as long as possible, women are generally rushing to the finish.
Women worry that men won’t appreciate them as sexual partners if they don’t have orgasms the way they think men want them to (i.e., during intercourse or without a vibrator) or quickly enough. Throughout history women suffered from sexual oppression and limitation around their orgasms; they were told that something was wrong with them if they couldn’t have what Freud referred to as “vaginal orgasms” and that clitoral orgasms were “immature.” We invite you to celebrate women for their full potential without putting pressure on them to prove that they can do it all. The pressure merely leads to women faking orgasms, making it even less likely that you learn how to give her pleasure and orgasm. You can support your partner by letting go of the hierarchy of orgasms and appreciating orgasms however and whenever they come in a sexual experience, as well as allowing women to have their choice around orgasm, since some women might not want to orgasm every time they have sex.
The three major types of orgasms – clitoral, G-Spot and cervical – each travel across a different set of nerves and therefore create a different sensation in the body. This also means that women can have combination orgasms, where two or three of the neuropathways are being activated. Next, we will explore how you can best help her reach each of these different types of orgasm…
You may also fear that bringing passionate energy will overwhelm a woman as though women are delicate and easily broken. This could cause you to hold back your passion, especially if you feel that you have too much or that it will not be received. On the contrary, most women’s bodies are strong enough to receive all the passion you have in your body for her and more. She may be surprised by it at first, which is why it takes confidence to stay with the feeling and not allow her embarrassment or surprise to pull you both out of it. Instead, with your passionate look and your focused confidence, you pull her into the hottest experiences you have ever had.
Passion has to do with immediacy, intensity of desire, animalistic need, uncontrollable urges, and overwhelming feelings. Examples include:
- Talking about how she brings out the animal in you: “I could eat you alive right now.”
- Sharing the intensity of your physical need: “I can’t wait to be inside you.”
- Telling her how strongly you feel about her: “When you are near me, my heart feels like it is going to explode.”
- Talking about how her pleasure and her body delights you: “When I feel you come, energy shoots through my whole body; I could spend hours just licking and tasting you.”
- Throwing her up against a wall on a walk or at home and kissing and touching her passionately. (It can be great to do this in public sometimes as long as she is open to it; it means you can’t wait until you have her alone, you have to have her right now.)
- Looking at her with an intensity of desire in your eyes like you can’t hold back any longer.
- Shouting out your window, “I’m with the sexiest woman in the world and I want everyone to know it!”
- Having a lovemaking session where you make sure that you kiss, lick, bite, smell or suck every inch of her body. Make sure you suck on her toes and fingers and don’t miss a single spot!
Often, when a man enters into an experience with a particular woman, he can attempt to avoid any perceived “negative” experiences and skirt around any challenges. This can result in the man being very outcome-driven, self-critical, judgmental or fearful,. This approach hinders the natural flow of energy between two people, and makes it much more likely that an interaction will end up feeling difficult, stilted and unsatisfactory.
A much more comfortable place from which to approach women – and the world in general – is from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is a way of looking at each new experience from a receptive, open place, without judgment or any sense of what the outcome might be. You just feel an experience in the moment. Taking this approach gives you an opportunity to see what you can learn about yourself and the women in your life.
This state of open curiosity need not only apply when you are connecting with a woman for the first time, but can be an ongoing approach. The beauty of curiosity is that it allows for the natural joys and challenges that happen over time between two people. An ongoing state of curiosity also acknowledges that either you or the woman you are interacting with can and will change over time. So often in relationships a desire to control the unknown leads to stagnation and boredom. An attitude of curiosity joyfully invites the unknown, making room for ongoing growth, excitement and passion between you and your partner.
In this chapter, we offer you information about women that might help you better understand their different psychology and biology. This information is general information that is true about most women. While we offer generalizations, make sure to stay curious about the unique ways that these show up in your partner.
Emotional connection, also known as “intimacy,” is one of the most common desires that women have in relationship. And, while both men and women are deeply emotional creatures, men get very strong cultural messages about repressing their emotions. Women are generally given more permission for expression.
Because men are taught to repress their emotions, they have less experience dealing with outward displays of emotion and are often overwhelmed in the face of a partner’s tears or anger – particularly if they feel like they are responsible for the upset.
Women are much less likely to separate emotions into “positive” and “negative” the way that men do, which is why women might talk about having a “good cry,” a phrase which may sound to you like an oxymoron. Women generally have a feeling of release or being cleaned out and opened up when they are able to express their emotions, especially when they feel seen, heard and understood. Emotions are not a problem to be fixed and the fact that a woman you are with has emotions does not mean that she is broken nor does it mean that you did something wrong.
Emotions are a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust. When emotions do bubble up, it is often a sign that a woman’s feelings for you are deepening. The fact that she feels safe enough to let them out is a sign that she trusts that you can handle her. Each time your partner is upset it is actually an opportunity for you to feel confident, for her to feel listened to and for the two of you to get closer.
The payoff is that a woman who has released her feelings of frustration or resentment and who has been listened to often moves to a space of softness and receptivity in her body. When she lets out the emotional blocks in her body, she is more able to fully let you in and to allow her sexual energy to move freely in her own body and between the two of you.
In this section, we explain how to be with a woman when she is expressing her emotions. This is one of the most important skills you need to increase your ability to have better sex and close relationships with women.