There is nothing more sexy to women than a man who knows how to build, harness and use his sexual power and energy. So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and sit with yourself for just a minute. Notice how you feel in your body. Are you aware of and connected to your erotic power? Do you feel confident that women will be able to feel the strength of this energy when you walk into the room, speak to them, or touch them? There are many ways to deepen and hone this skill so that women are drawn to you before you even approach them. We suggest you begin with a daily 9 minute practice by downloading our Boost Your Sexual Confidence breathwork session for men. If you really want to get a jumpstart on harnessing and using your sexual energy join us for the upcoming Become an Extraordinary Lover workshop!
We often work with men who are in the process of dating women as a part of their search to find a fulfilling relationship. What we’ve found has been eye-opening. Many men, when approaching a first meeting with a woman call it a “date”, worry about how they should act, whether or not the woman is interested, how they are coming across, and what they are supposed to do at every turn. In short, they spend most of their time before, during and after the date worrying. They ask themselves “what will she think of me”, ‘what am I supposed to do next” and “what if I did it all wrong.” They also start thinking that this is their only chance at a relationship with someone compatible so they better not screw it up – essentially, they put all their eggs in one basket.
This is because they are bringing their inner Lover out too soon and have completely forgotten about their inner Player. While most of us who are interested in committed relationships often think of the word “Player” as a an dirty word, describing a man who is just out their to get laid and doesn’t care about women, we’d like to suggest an alternate definition for men who respect women. A Player is a man who is out there to have a good time playing with women, exploring adventure, intimacy and sexual energy from a place of comfort and ease. This is a process of getting to know multiple women in order to find one that really fits who they are.
Once you do find a woman who fits what you are looking for it is essential to keep your inner Player engaged, not getting too serious or too overly-enthusiastic about her too quickly. Only after you take the time to play with her and give her the space to approach you as much as you are approaching her, is it time to bring out your inner Lover. This is the time to talk to this woman about your adoration, bring your passion and intensity to the interaction and create the deep, loving and sexually charged connections only your inner Lover can bring.
It is when men get stuck in one of these two roles, perpetually the adolescent boy looking for a score and never finding a deeper connection or satisfaction, or perpetually the hopeless romantic, always serious, committed, rushing into the future and forgetting to enjoy the process of playing with each moment they share with a partner or potential partner. In order to keep passion, connection and fire alive, you have to balance these two personalities throughout a relationship, engaging your inner Player when you want to flirt and tease and then your inner Lover when you want to go to places of depth and intimacy. We love helping men create this balance in their lives so that they can find the woman of their dreams and know exactly how to seduce and satisfy her!
Celeste and Danielle
Taking the steps we’ve described to create a relationship with yourself and become more erotically embodied will increase your overall life satisfaction and your potential for intimacy and communication with friends, lovers, partners and everyone with whom you interact. For those of you who are single or starting to date someone new, we want to propose an innovative model of dating that will help you create an authentic relationship with a partner in order to share the gift of erotic connection you are developing. There are a million different ways to meet people and we won’t go into a long list here but we have noticed that finding someone through participation in one of your favorite hobbies or activities can be a way to instantly connect around topics, ideas, and shared experiences of substance. Making a list of your favorite activities and interests then finding social places where you can interact with others around those interests may help you meet someone with whom you are compatible. From the moment of your first meeting or date, you can begin a path of self-discovery, knowing as much as you can about yourself in relationship is the surest way to create lasting, communicative and intimate relationships. Oftentimes, however, we spend our time focusing on the other person, imagining (or hoping) that they are the perfect answer to all of our fantasies.
You’re Perfect, I’m Perfect
Most of us, upon meeting someone we are interested in, begin two simultaneous processes: First, we often attempt to present our most perfect self to the other person, trying to figure out what they want us to be and hiding those qualities we think might turn them off, bore them, or even repulse them. The danger in hiding the self in order to impress another is that it may distance us from who we truly are and what we really want. If we run through this cycle over and over again or if we continue to keep up the pretenses instead of slowly allowing our humanness to show, we may become so distanced as to no longer have any idea who we are or what we want. Second, we imagine this other person is the answer to our prayers; we expect them to make us happy, alleviate our feelings of loneliness, and share fully of themselves. If we think that they can do these things for us, we begin the process of “falling in love,” which, more often than not, is more of a projection of our fantasy of perfection on to another person which is GREAT, we say engage in this process, while at the same time witness that that is what you are doing. Within this process of falling in love, we tend to accelerate the relationship into an imagined (and imaginary) future. On the one hand, we may picture them as our life partner or the co-parent of our child. On the other hand, we may fear that they will try to trap us into playing these roles when we are not yet ready. Regardless of what kinds of future we project, whether it is perfection or difficulty, inevitably, at some point in the process the person sitting across from us becomes another human as opposed to our projected perfect other or our projected fear and they begin to discover that we are not perfect either. For many, this is the point when we become disappointed that the fantasy is not panning out or we become afraid that the person we are seeing will discover what is undesirable about us so we leave and begin a new fantasy. However, this is when the opportunity arises to move from being “in love” (the temporary projected fantasy state) to loving someone not for who you think they are or should be, but for who they are now, in all their humanness.
Breaking the Cycle
If projection, disappointment and moving on or sacrificing your sense of self, have been part of your cycle, then we suggest you try the process which we call Embodied Dating. At its root, Embodied Dating is a movement of attention away from the other person, (who they are, who we want them to be in relationship), back to ourselves, (who we are, who we want to be in relationship). This witnessing of the self in relationship gives us the profoundly important ability to take a number of positive steps simultaneously. First, when we are focused on ourselves by being present with our feelings, we are much more empowered. We need not project into a fantasized perfect (or terrible) future in an attempt to convince ourselves of something we cannot know. We no longer have to imagine that anything that our partner does or does not say or do will make or break the relationship because we no longer exist in reaction to them. Second, in place of trying to impress the other person by hiding who we really are, we focus our attention on how we feel in the other person’s presence. We begin to see what triggers our own responses, whether they are joy, insecurity, arousal, rejection, or desires to merge, to distance, or to accelerate. Interacting with someone who we are beginning to care about becomes a mirror for us to learn about ourselves. Finally, by bringing the witness perspective to the relationship, we can watch feelings arise. We no longer need to have knee-jerk responses to interactions being fun or difficult, we can take time to gather information, to contemplate what we want, to figure out how to lovingly communicate our desires and intentions in a way that is congruent with our goals in the relationship, whether those goals are to go slowly, to deepen intimacy, or to end an interaction that is not feeling compatible.
Witnessing Self in Relationship
There are many aspects of yourself that you can pay attention to as you practice Embodied Dating.
- Your Inner Voice. Pay attention to what kinds of messages are you giving yourself about this relationship? Are they similar or different then the messages you have given yourself in other relationships?
- Your Internal and External Reactions. How do you react to what the other person says and does? What are they doing or saying that makes you feel attracted or drawn in? What about them makes you feel repelled or driven away? How do you respond when you have these feelings? What kinds of things to you say or do to convey your responses?
- Your Center. Track your center and see what kinds of interactions with others pull you out of your center (i.e. make you feel imbalanced, confused, needy, over-emotional, angry or crazy). What do you want to do when you have these feelings? How might you deal with them differently than you have in past interactions? What brings you back to your center?
Once we stop living in the future, cease trying to be perfect and expecting perfection, and witness the moment to moment fluctuations of our emotions and actions in relation to others, we can begin the process of generating joy. As we learn about what we like and don’t like, who we are in relationship and who we want to be, we can begin the slow, gentle process of creating those mutual experiences and interactions with others that give us the most pleasure, satisfaction and inspiration. By focusing on ourselves, we no longer have to try to be what we think others want us to be or struggle to make others into our fantasy; instead we can become the most magnetic, exciting, fun, beautiful manifestation of ourselves. Soon enough we will be surrounded with friends, lovers, companions, and life partners who support and cherish our most desirable qualities, while at the same time accepting that each of us has moments of difficulty and need.