Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

We got this in response to our blog post on the 5 senses and just had to share this reader’s beautiful experience with you:

Dear Celeste and Danielle, it has been a while since I took your workshops and I wanted to let you know that I have had breakthroughs from what I’ve learned directly from you and the path that I have followed since that time has been a result of the two days that I’ve spent with the both of you. You’ll be happy to know that the men’s circle that I run here in LA was tasked with reading your book. Your lessons have exceeded your reach.

The reason I didn’t post this response directly to your blog is because I want to remain anonymous on this because if the people at the meditation center I attend discover this post I might not be so welcome, not because I did anything wrong but because I have asked a teacher about these experiences and he became very uneasy. He stated that this practice should not be used for “sensory games of pleasure” but even as a teacher he was clearly blocked due to his own ego and judgment.

As a practice meditation has been a powerful force in my sexual development. During my first 10 day silent meditation I became acutely aware of my sexual energy. Around the third day I felt what was my normal state of turn-on that was usually restricted to around my lower two chakras and would only last while my mind was engaged in sexual arousal. By day five, every fiber of my being was vibrating with it. I experienced it at a cellular level. It was the most incredible sensation I have ever felt and it only got more intense and was even more beautiful as the days continued on. By day eight it simply WAS. I had no judgment of it and I experienced it as the purest form of love I have ever felt. The water running over my body in the shower caressed my skin. The dirt path beneath my feet came alive as I felt every twig and branch that passed beneath my foot. The simple vegetarian meals that were lovingly prepared for us by the volunteers became magnificent feasts. The smell and juice of a crisp apple had so much complexity it was like smelling a flower and drinking a delicious glass of wine combined.

Besides being a silent meditation the men and women were separated for the practical purposes of the practice. We’d sit together but separate. Men were seated on the right and women on the left in the dharma hall for meditation and instruction. I noticed a strikingly lovely woman on day four as she entered the hall. She had skin like cafe au lait and the body of a dancer. I knew it was a distraction from my practice but I watched as she adjusted her pillows for her morning meditation. She stopped completely. She turned and without hesitation locked eyes with me for the briefest of moments. That moment had me shudder to my core. I was able to maintain the integrity of my practice for the remainder of the course. We are to behave as if we are completely alone or as much as is possible amongst a hundred other practitioners. It makes sense within the context and I was okay with it.

At the closing ceremony we were able to speak with one another and I discovered that I was not alone in my experience of intense sensation. Many of the men were feeling this sensation of turn-on too including a 71 year old doctor from Mumbai India. I had forgotten I had put my name on a ride share list. The woman I had locked eyes with approached me as I enjoyed a cup of tea under a  bougainvillea covered awning. She asked me for a ride back to LA with the tiniest of smiles. She had deep soulful eyes that I sensed had seen far too much pain in her young life. I agreed and we met the following morning after we all said our goodbyes and assisted in clean up of the center.

The ride back was the most intense sensual driving experience I have ever had. The warm California breeze was scented in turns by avocado, pears, and even the cattle of the massive feed lots off the 5 freeway. Our conversation was completely open and without guile. I felt no need to be clever nor desire to be impressive. We had entered this deeper subspace where at times even our silences led to the most incredible achingly beautiful sexual tension. Our egos were silent and along for the ride as if they were passengers who fell asleep in the scorching September sun.

On parting we exchanged numbers and said we’d promise to stay in touch. I could feel society’s heal on the back of my neck already. I chalked it up to another too good to be true experience but I wanted to see if there was more available for us both. She beat me to the telephone. The next day she contacted me. She admitted that she was more aloof than she wanted to be when we parted company. Without getting into it her very private reasons for being guarded, I agreed to meet with her.

In the course of our brief relationship I felt an intimacy that was rare in my experience. I felt no desire to perform only a desire to enjoy our what we were doing. Nothing mattered not the heat or any of our perceived physical flaws. All that mattered was her incredible smell, the taste of her, her lips on my neck, the sound of our breath together. Even though societal and egoic interests eventually encroached on us both like an army of ants at a picnic, I have an incredible fondness for her and that moment in time that will never be duplicated but always appreciated. It has changed me as a lover and a man forever.

The body holds such great wisdom. and I wanted to point out to everyone reading this that meditation can be a powerful conduit to deep sensual experiences. It is not just for shaved headed monks behind monastery walls. Maybe this is why those men and women stay committed to monastic life, they want to remain in that profound love space. It is true that societal pressure is unsupportive of this loving sexy space. I however live here amongst you all and will continue to grow and remain connected to you all as best I can. Some days are better than others.
Best regards and thanks for all you do,

PS: another woman I have ride shared with admitted to me on our drive back that she could hear all the women in her dormitory room quietly masturbating nightly by the end of day three of the practice. 🙂

A news article titled “Are There Really 40 Year Old Virgins?” caught our attention recently. We are so happy about the appearance of this article in Psychology Today. We have worked with many virgins to help them overcome shyness or fear around intimacy so that they can approach potential partners and initiate conversations and intimacy. For men in particular, who are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. While we are not surrogate partners, the work we do is very experiential and, unlike surrogates, we focus on the chemistry of attraction, helping folks move beyond technique to seduction as as well as displays of desire and passion. Often, after men have worked with us, they decide to keep their virginity private and the women they sleep with have no clue. One of the virgins we worked with had a partner who said, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. She thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good 🙂

We have also worked with women virgins to help them feel safe and open with their sexuality, to overcome shyness and to communicate their needs directly with potential partners. Another big issue that women face is lack of orgasm. Many women lose their virginity but are still orgasmically virgins. We love to help women learn how to have their first orgasm, to orgasm with a partner (if they can only do it through masturbation) or to expand their orgasmic potential to multiple orgasms or G-Spot orgasms. We have both female and male colleagues so that folks can work with whatever gender person feels right for them, depending on their sexual identity and sense of safety. It’s great to see this topic being discussed in a mass distribution publication like Psychology Today and we hope that all the virgins and orgasmic virgins out there feel inspired to get the help they need.

So tell us, have you had the experience of having sex with and “older” virgin? What was it like knowing you were helping this person transition into non-virginity?

When we think of men’s mid-life crises, what often comes to mind is a 40+ year old man in a red, shiny hot-rod running off with some younger woman to find himself. The popular representations of this in the media paint these men as childish and selfish and the movie fantasy is generally that he wises up, realizes the error of his ways, repents and returns to his wife and family. We think this popular depiction misses the point in so many ways. Firstly, it does not address the underlying emotional, physiological and societal reasons for this phenomenon. Namely, that men’s bodies experience an abrupt and significant change in ability right around age 40, many men’s fathers are getting old or dying when they are in their 40s and men are questioning if they will be allowed to live their lives the way they want to before they themselves die and, finally, that the definition of what it is to be a “good husband” and “good father” rarely leaves space for men to continue doing the things they love to do in life without being deemed selfish and uncaring.

Men who live their lives based on obligations and the women who support them in doing this (and who don’t explore their own personal needs and desires) are all part of the set-up that creates the phenomenon of the mid-life crises. We believe the mid-life crises is completely avoidable, however, it takes a commitment to a different kind of relationship agreement then the one most couples have. Firstly, it takes a commitment on the part of both partners to admit your own desires to yourself. Then it takes a willingness to rock the boat with skillful, honest and open communication about what it is you actually want. Next, it takes a commitment to celebrate each others desires no matter what they are. And, finally, it takes the courage to decide, as a team, whether or how they can fit in your lives and enhance the relationship. If you are willing to create space for all of who you are and all of who your partner is in your relationship, no one needs to run away in order to get what they want!

We recently received a great question from Nick, who was interested in issues around the smells and tastes that come up with Oral Sex. We know this is a common issue and though we’d post the answer for everyone to share and discuss!

Nick Writes:

“I’m hoping you might be able to provide some advice on a sensitive issue – do you have any quick tips for men to learn how to enjoy giving oral sex to women, or can you point me to any self-study resources? I’ve never really liked it. I know this is horrible to say, but it’s generally a fear of the feel and smell. (I’m a very picky eater when it comes to food, avoiding those foods with weird textures or smells, and I think that extends to the human body. I just don’t like putting strange things in my mouth…)

“Part of the problem, too, is that I’ve been trained via porn to expect a certain ideal appearance down there, even though I know that porn bodies aren’t real bodies…

“If you have some tips or can point me in a direction, it would be appreciated!”

Our answer:  Dear Nick,

I know it can be challenging when you are very particular about tastes, smells and sights to really get into the joys that giving a woman oral sex can bring. A few ideas:

1) Buy a book (or find a similar online source) that has pictures of a wide variety of vaginas and try masturbating to different types, especially those that you are less used to or comfortable with. You might use some other types of arousing images and then intersperse images of different kinds of vaginas in while you are masturbating,
2) Ask if she could shower before you have sex.
3) Put something flavorful that you like on her pussy before having oral sex. Kama Sutra makes a great powdered product called “honey dust”. Avoid other flavored sex products, most of them are quite terrible. If you use something sugary, make sure she washes thoroughly after, especially inside her vagina so she doesn’t get a yeast infection. (Another note – strawberries have tiny seeds that break off easily – not something you notice in your mouth but something to avoid for the vagina!)

There are many plusses and minuses to porn, and it would take much longer than a short blog to discuss all of them so, in the interest of time, we want to start out by saying that porn can be a wonderful addition to a person’s or a couple’s sexual life. Many folks have talked about the downsides of porn, but mostly in terms of its social implications (i.e. they question whether or not it is harmful to women, etc.). As sex therapists, one of the biggest problems we see with porn however, has to do with a reduction in sensation. The reason porn reduces sensation in the body is because it basically bypasses the body’s natural arousal curve, often putting us immediately to the brink of orgasm with very little bodily stimulation. It also focuses us almost entirely on visual stimulation, leaving the other senses behind. We see many men coming into our practice after years of masturbation with porn who have difficulties being sexual with their own partners, either they are unable to get an erection or they ejaculate very quickly. We have a fun, playful solution that you might try with your sweetheart or with yourself. We call it “Sensation Porn.” It’s time for you to be director, screenwriter and actor so get out your video camera and make a movie of your own. The plot, the action, and the dialogue can be all yours. To make it truly sensational, the only thing we suggest is that, somewhere in your movie, every part of your body (or bodies) is touched, kissed, scratched, stroked, tickled, bitten, spanked or teased. If you’re masturbating, you can touch and tease yourself all over using different kinds of stimulators – feathers, massagers, back scratchers and more.  Make sure you engage all of your senses, bring in delicious scents, tasty treats, and good music or make some of your own sexy sounds. Take time feeling your entire body before you even begin to think about orgasm, let the orgasm come to you. Each time you go back and watch it, it will be a continual reminder of the importance of sensation to your overall sexual experience and the long-term health of your arousal and sexual response. Who knows, you might even decide you’d rather turn it off, put a blindfold on and just feel, smell, taste, hear and touch. We certainly aren’t suggesting that people need to quit ever watching porn, though it might be a good idea to give yourself a little all-over body foreplay before you turn on your favorite movie – we also suggest you watch a wide variety of porn to keep your brain open to multiple turn-ons.