Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Emotional connection, also known as “intimacy,” is one of the most common desires that women have in relationship. And, while both men and women are deeply emotional creatures, men get very strong cultural messages about repressing their emotions. Women are generally given more permission for expression.

Because men are taught to repress their emotions, they have less experience dealing with outward displays of emotion and are often overwhelmed in the face of a partner’s tears or anger – particularly if they feel like they are responsible for the upset.

Women are much less likely to separate emotions into “positive” and “negative” the way that men do, which is why women might talk about having a “good cry,” a phrase which may sound to you like an oxymoron. Women generally have a feeling of release or being cleaned out and opened up when they are able to express their emotions, especially when they feel seen, heard and understood. Emotions are not a problem to be fixed and the fact that a woman you are with has emotions does not mean that she is broken nor does it mean that you did something wrong.

Emotions are a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust. When emotions do bubble up, it is often a sign that a woman’s feelings for you are deepening. The fact that she feels safe enough to let them out is a sign that she trusts that you can handle her. Each time your partner is upset it is actually an opportunity for you to feel confident, for her to feel listened to and for the two of you to get closer.

The payoff is that a woman who has released her feelings of frustration or resentment and who has been listened to often moves to a space of softness and receptivity in her body. When she lets out the emotional blocks in her body, she is more able to fully let you in and to allow her sexual energy to move freely in her own body and between the two of you.

In this section, we explain how to be with a woman when she is expressing her emotions. This is one of the most important skills you need to increase your ability to have better sex and close relationships with women.

 

To really excite and intrigue any woman, you need to be passionate about more than just her; you need to begin to look at your whole life through passionate eyes. If you are currently living your life based on what you should do instead of what interests or intrigues you, it is time to find your own path that excites and inspires you, and to support the women in your life in finding their passion too. It is possible to bring passion into every part of your life, and a Cockfident man feels passion for his work flowing into passion for his hobbies, flowing into passion for his partner.

Live a Life of Passion

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? As a boy, there were probably many activities and topics you were passionate about and we hope there still are. If, in the time it took to read this last paragraph about passion, you haven’t already identified three things you are passionate about (not including your partner if you have one), then it is time for you to reacquaint yourself with your passionate side. Your sense of freedom and power rests on your ability to enjoy your own life and give your gift to the world. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is willing to follow through with what they truly believe. Notice if you are judging any of your passions as trivial or discounting them. Notice whose voices are in your head naysaying or criticizing. Just for a moment, see if you can suspend the judgmental voice and remember what you are passionate about. You might also think about how your family of origin responded to ideas or desires that inspired you and how they communicated their expectations.

Take some time to ponder or write on the following questions:

  • What is a topic that you could talk about for hours without tiring?
  • What activities do you do that make you feel more like yourself?
  • What are things that you do for your friends or family that make you feel most proud and content?
  • What ideas and experiences grab your interest and make your heart beat faster?

Now check what percentage of your life is spent in the pursuit of these activities, ideas and experiences. Is it enough? Only you know the answer to this question, only you can decide what you want your life to look like, and only you can know the right way to live your life.

Growing up, many boys saw their parents and other close adults, filled with pressure and an expectation to provide, give to their families out of obligation. Fathers stayed in tedious jobs they hated and dealt with their partner’s and children’s needs because that was what they were “supposed” to do. Mothers gave up their dreams and desires and did everything for the sake of their children. These role models generally ranged from resigned to resentful and angry. They were certainly neither free nor powerful.

Boys who grew up with the message that they were supposed to put their own needs, feelings, goals and desires aside in the name of obligation often turn into men who give from a place of obligation. They slowly, and often unconsciously, build resentment and frustration along the way. As they continue along the path of obligation, these men begin to feel deprived and unfulfilled.

At the same time, many men experience a feeling of scarcity around women; they are afraid that women only want them for what they can give or they fear they will never find another woman if they lose the one they have. In the face of this perceived scarcity, they attempt to maintain the relationship by giving or doing things that they don’t want to do. When you are giving out of scarcity and obligation you lose true generosity. Worse, this kind of giving often leads to resentment. When you stay true to your own goals and desires and give from love instead of obligation, you are free, powerful and emotionally available to your partner because you are being who you really are. This is why it is essential to learn how to give out of generosity.

There is an easy way to tell that you are giving from a place of generosity as opposed to obligation. When you are in the act of giving, breathe deeply and tune in to what it feels like in your body in the moment. If you are feeling light and excited during the experience, then you know you are giving from generosity; if you feel a sense of heaviness, exhaustion or frustration, you are giving out of obligation.

The tricky part about giving out of obligation is that it can seem like it feels good because you can get a lot of positive reinforcement. For example, working at a job you hate day in and day out may get you consistent appreciation from your partner, but the actual sensations that you have during the hours and hours you spend at work are oppressive and painful. Over time, your life gets more and more unbearable as you feel less and less freedom to live your life the way that you want to. The same can happen in your sex life. Being an Extraodinary Lover and a Cockfident man means listening to your body as you give.

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those aspects of the person you enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesn’t mean going along with things that don’t work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and your boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear requests and non-defensive boundaries, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. Being a truly Cockfident man and an Extraordinary Lover to women takes a tremendous amount of acceptance of yourself, your partner, and the people who are part of your life. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know, at the most basic level, that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and finding out what “good enough” means. Finally, it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up to your fantasies or desires.

Recent research on men has shown that men actually have much stronger immediate emotional reactions than women. Also they successfully quell their emotions and move into thinking, figuring out, and fixing much more quickly than women.

The lack of freedom that men have in regard to acknowledging and listening to their emotions leads men to think that they are making rational decisions, when they are often unconsciously making emotional decisions or making decisions that discount their emotional needs completely. When you ignore your emotions they are relegated to the unconscious; when you are unconscious your emotions can control your behaviors without you having any understanding of what is driving you. On the other hand, if you discount your emotional needs in service of making rational decisions, you end up living a life that seems “right” but doesn’t feel good.