Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

In an earlier blog we talked about why it’s important to talk with your partner very specifically about your sexual desires. We can’t emphasize enough how essential talking about sex is if you want your sex life to last and be fulfilling. Yet, because of our society’s general shaming about sex, just talking about our most mainstream desires for romance or passion can be challenging. For those of us who have less conventional sexual desires, talking about them can feel way more risky.

You might know exactly what turns you on the most, but fear that your partner will judge your desires or even be disgusted by them. In our work with individuals and couples, we have come across people who have all sorts of interesting desires, and you can see references to the wide variety of desires out in the world like this article from the Guardian about a young, slim woman who fantasizes about sex with older, obese men. Before even talking with your partner about your more unorthodox desires, we suggest you clarify for yourself exactly what your desires are and what you want from the conversation. We think it is helpful to look at your desires in terms of three categories.

Do It To Me – Sexy Acts

You might desire a specific act with your partner. For example, as a heterosexual man you might be embarrassed to ask for anal play because you fear your partner might think it is not masculine or is dirty. As a woman, you might want your partner to be more rough with you, like wanting them to slap your face.

Say It To Me – Sexy Words

You might desire to hear specific words from your partner. Maybe you want to feel like you are in trouble: “You are such a naughty boy and I’m going to whip you.” Or you want to hear that you are the queen and receive worshipful words: “I bow at your perfect feet your majesty and am at your command.” If you are wanting your partner to talk during sex, don’t leave it up to chance, give them the exact words that you want them to say and let them try those, as well as experiment with others in the same vein. Make sure that you have an agreement that you can give feedback and update the words if they start to get boring.

Play It With Me – Sexy Fantasies

With fantasies it is important to know whether or not you want to share them outside of sex, share them verbally during more conventional sexual experiences, or play them out. You can share your fantasies simply as a way to let your partner into some of the deepest, most private, and most vulnerable parts of yourself. Even if you don’t play them out, this can be a very connecting experience.

You might desire to say your fantasies to your partner during sex or have them tell you specific fantasies. For example, you might be really turned on by the idea of an orgy, but don’t actually want to experience group sex. Instead, you want your partner to walk you through the fantasy verbally: “Now imagine that we walk into this room full of really sexual people and they are all looking at you, thinking how much they want you. And, you stand there shyly at first, but soon you start to get a little bit more brave and you start seducing them all by slowly undressing.” Finally, you may want to actually play out your fantasies. You might want to play out a rape fantasy or buy a nice flogger, a blindfold and handcuffs and go as a couple to your local dungeon, where your partner can tie you to a cross and whip you and play with you in front of other people.

Bringing Up The Conversation

Once you have a good idea of what you want, it is time to take the very brave step of bringing it up with your partner. Since society tells us that certain desires are acceptable and others are wrong or shameful, it is very vulnerable to share our deepest desires especially if they are unconventional. There are many ways, both direct and indirect, to share. We think the best way is to invite your partner to a sexy conversation where the two of you agree to take an open, non-judgmental approach to hearing all of your partner’s desires and fantasies. Make sure that you both realize how vulnerable and brave to share in these ways.

In order to be open and non-judgmental, it is also extremely important that you remember that you have a right to your boundaries – if you are uncertain about boundaries, check out our series on boundaries. If there is something that your partner desires, first you want to accept and celebrate it and then you get to decide whether you want to participate, knowing that there may be some desires that you want to explore with them and others that you don’t.

Most people judge each other’s fantasies because they are afraid that they are required to meet all of their partner’s needs, however, you will never meet all your partner’s needs. The worst things you can do in the face of your partner’s desires are judge and try to shut them down or engage in activities that are too uncomfortable for you – judging will shut your partner down and having sex in ways you don’t want to will shut you down. If you keep your boundaries, allow yourself to be open to new experiences, and allow your partner to feel disappointment if there are parts you don’t want to do, that is the very best you can do in relationship.

The New York Times recently published an article on kissing where researchers tried to figure out exactly what role kissing plays in relationships.

The problem with researchers is that their job is to study what is and not what can be… As sex and relationship coaches, we know that kisses are not all the same and that kissing can be much more of an arousing experience if couples learn how to give each other the most passionate, tantalizing, teasing kisses there are! Here’s what we wrote about kissing in our recent newsletter:

Kisses are the gateway drug to sex. So, don’t just dive in there, take your time. The perfect kiss isn’t born, it’s made. It starts with that look. You know, the one that melts your insides. The longing look into your eyes then down towards your lips that says, I don’t think I can wait another minute, but just looking is soooooooo good. Then, you move towards each other, savoring the moment when your lips first touch. You feel the texture, puffy, smooth, wet. You start to move your lips together in a dance, feeling the chill that goes through your body as your tongues first touch. Go slowly at first, tasting, licking then deepen into more passion and movement. Notice how deep your partner puts their tongue in your mouth, see what it’s like to match their rhythm. Don’t forget to TAKE BREAKS. No matter how good a kiss, if you just sit there, faces pressed together, even the most amazing kiss can get boring. So, don’t be lazy! Whether it is your first kiss or you’ve been kissing for a very long time, remember to pull back, tease, look in your lover’s eyes again, kiss their cheeks and the corners of their mouth, kiss down and bite their neck, and look in their eyes again (we can’t emphasize the power of the look enough)! Once you have perfected the kiss follow us on Facebook or Twitter and tell us all about it. We want to hear about YOUR PERFECT KISS!!!

We love this Huffington Post article about why it is important to talk about sex. Firestone covers many of the conversations that you might want to have with your partner, but misses what we think is the most important one- what actually turns you on about sex. We don’t blame her because it just seems so obvious! However, most people never get very explicit with their sweethearts about what they want sexually.

For example, you might complain that you want more passion or romance, or that you need to be seduced, but these words mean different things and bring up different images and fantasies for every person. You might assume that your partners has the same image in their mind as you have and are withholding those goodies because “he doesn’t love me enough” or “she isn’t that interested.”

We’ve found that people who get together usually have slightly different to vastly different ways they would most like to be seduced and made love to – we call this your Hottest Sexual Movie. If you think back on your best sexual experiences or delve into your hottest fantasies, you will have an idea about what your movie is. Until you and your partner have a conversation about what is hot for you and go through an actual learning process with one another about your movies, sex can be boring and monotonous.

We want to note that sometimes the sex that turns you on the most might be embarrassing to talk about. Stay tuned for our upcoming blog where we introduce how to have conversations about less common sexual practices. If you know what you want and aren’t embarrassed, you need to be very specific and very gentle when you talk about your desires with your partner, as they are going through the learning curve of learning how to be an amazing lover to you. You need to talk, demonstrate, give positive, loving, and gently guiding feedback.

No matter how long you’ve been together, it is never too late to learn how to really turn each other on!

Has your partner ever hinted at, suggested or asked for something sexual that seemed scarier than Camping at Crystal Lake with Jason? If so, we suggest you get into the Halloween spirit and consider that something new could turn out to be a Thriller instead of a Horror Flick. You might start by at least celebrating your partner’s desire the way you celebrate the joys of Halloween – it might seem dark and scary but, if you dress it up a little and put some candy on top, it’s a blast. Maybe you have some fear or uncertainty and taking a look at will help you stretch and grow as a person and as a lover. When it comes to venturing beyond your comfort zone, don’t bite off more than you can chew. Start with a Bit-O-Honey before moving on to a Big Hunk. Here’s some common Fright Night desires and how you can take it slow.

1) Going Down – whether it is on a man or a woman, if this is something that gives you the Heebie Jeebies, do it right out of the shower and try starting with some kisses or taking a lick, you may be surprised at how sweet a response you get and what fun it can be.

2) The Back Door – maybe you love the sensation but are afraid to ask because you don’t want to offend or maybe just the thought of it has you shaking in your boots. Even more than going down, this one requires a shower first. You might tiptoe out of your comfort zone with a lubed-up finger tip – lightly teasing externally only. Just see how that goes, no matter what, with the back door the only road to success is to take it slow and have lots of warm up!

3) Threesomes – many people have some version of this fantasy and we’ve seen the most success when couples don’t take an all-or-nothing approach. You can start by fantasizing about it together in bed and just see if the imagery ignites panic or passion. Make sure you talk through desires, fears and boundaries and, if you do venture into the Threesome Zone, a light make-out might just be the trick that results in the biggest treat!

If you would like to move beyond your comfort zones together as a couple but need some help with the negotiation,  email or call – we’re here to help you turn trepidation into satiation!

When people look to the experts for sex advice, they often imagine they are going to get a list of “hot tips” or techniques to “drive their partner wild”. After many years of working in the realm of sexual arousal, we have found that what really turns people has more to do with the energy of connection than any one particular technique and, even more importantly, that techniques offered without this energetic connection generally fall flat.

It turns out that you being deeply connected to your own desire and arousal, to the erotic energy in your body, and then looking at or touching someone from that place, is the most powerful gift you can give your lover, partner, husband or wife. We want to invite you to play with the intensity of the moment of contact with your sweetheart. It is a moment we so often rush right past, missing our chance at the potential for a deeper connection.

Try this: sit or lie next to your partner and breathe deeply into your body until you can begin to feel your own sense of desire and longing. If you don’t know how to get in touch with this, you may want to download one of our breathwork sessions for men or women and practice.

Once you feel connected to this feeling inside your own body, turn to your partner and look at them from this place, letting the desire for them move out through your eyes. And then, one at a time, very slowly place a hand on your partners body and don’t move it at all, but give enough pressure to your partner’s body that you feel there with them. Take this Magic Moment of Connection as an opportunity to feel the linking up of your own and your partners erotic energy (or whatever kind of energy you sense in their body and yours at the moment). It might feel a little bit buzzy and faster than yours, it might feel deep and slower than yours.

Before you start moving your hand at all, allow your two energies to link up. As you begin to touch or kiss each other, stay tuned to this energetic connection between your bodies and let it guide your hands, your lips and your body. Throughout your erotic experience, continue to attend to this connection. If it feels challenging at first, just continue to play with it without judgment and let your partner know when you are really feeling it from them. If you want help practicing, we are always here!