You can stop searching Netflix, because your hottest sexual movie is still in the making. Nearly everyone walks through the world with one or more sexual “movies” circulating in their imagination. These include images and ideas of how they want sex to look, what feelings they want to have, and what kind of experiences they want to live. The characters may change, but the themes generally stay the same. While most people have the ability to enjoy multiple forms of seduction, a person’s primary sexual movie generally brings them the most pleasure and intensity. People often try and suppress these fantasies, in order to fit them into their realities. We encourage our clients to go all the way in fleshing out their fantasies and getting to the bottom of what these ideas say about their actual sexual needs and desires.
The process of finding and articulating your Hottest Sexual Movie has 3 steps.
Step 1: Become a Self-Detective
We can spend endless hours of our lives studying, guessing and gossiping about everyone else’s motives and desires. But, how much time do we actually take to figure out what OUR motives and desires are, especially when it comes to our sexual desires? For most people, the answer is “Not enough!” The most important part of self-detecting is taking a non-judgmental attitude, you may find that some of what turns you on is more accepted by society and other parts of what turns you are less accepted. If any of your thoughts make you feel ashamed or guilty, remember, they are just desires not actions and, as long as any enactment of them is between consenting adults there is nothing to be ashamed of!
This is your chance to figure out what makes you tick in bed and the way to do that is to gather some data from your own life. Dig into your fantasies, whether they are overtly sexual or not is unimportant, just start to pay attention to what you think when you start to drift off. What are your daydreams about you and anyone to whom you are attracted? What kinds of thoughts get you turned on?
Next, think back on the books and movies that have gotten you most aroused as well as the sexual experiences that you’ve had that were most arousing. (Remember, no judgments!) They might be romantic, full of passion and intrigue, torture or other types of BDSM, or any sorts of themes from porn that you watch or erotic stories you read. Think of the scenes and the moments in those scenes that are the real zingers. You may want to do some writing on all of this to really pinpoint your turn-ons.
Step 2: Identify the Underlying Feeling You Want to Have
As you explore the data you have gathered try to identify the kinds of feelings that you or any of the other people in the fantasies are feeling and see which ones seem most relevant and exciting to you. For example, you or others in your fantasies, books and movies might want to feel powerful, taken, degraded, surprised, in danger, cared for, precious, teased, indulgent, loved, denied, adored, abused, seen, desired, powerless, known, punished or accepted. If you fantasize about sex in public places, this might be a fantasy of being so desirable your partner would have sex with you anywhere. It also might be a fantasy of wanting to be seen (exhibitionism) or of being in danger (of being caught). If your fantasy is of your partner surprising you with a five-course dinner at your favorite, fancy restaurant, it might be a fantasy of being cared for (they planned it) or known (they knew it was your favorite restaurant), or it could be a fantasy of indulgence (five-course and fancy) or of surprise. Make a list of the feeling or feelings that seem to be most linked to your arousal.
Step 3: Draft your Hottest Sexual Movie
It is one thing to passively fantasize, watch, read or allow others to do their best to give you what you want, but we want you to take it one step further. With everything you now know about what turns you on, write your own scene (or, even better, many scenes), that will invoke these feelings in you. We don’t want to experience everything that we see in movies or fantasize about but all of this can be incorporated into our sex life in one way or another. See what you actually want to experience, what you want to share in bed with your partner (for example, what you’d like to say to them or have them say to you) and what you want to keep in your back pocket to fantasize about here and there during your sexual experiences to give you that extra arousal bump.
Think about how you want your partner to look at you, talk to you, touch you and how you want to look at them, talk to them and touch them in order to get some of those feelings you so desire. Imagine how you would like your movie to start, what are some experiences that you’d like for the middle part of your movie. How does your movie end and what do you want from your partner once sex is over? Take some times to write out some hot scenarios!
For a more in-depth exploration of your cinema worthy sexual fantasies check out our recent book Making Love Real where we dedicate several chapters to walking you through this process. Also, keep following this series where we will share what we have seen are the most prevalent sexual movie genres and what they say about your desires. Finally, we will give you some pointers on how to communicate them to a partner in order to have the unbelievably amazing sex you deserve.