Celeste & Danielle Offer Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

Tapping into our grief is both an individual and collective endeavor – and it is truly an act of courage. Grief is part of the human experience, but like many other uncomfortable feelings, our tendency is often to push it under the rug and simply wait for it to pass. We need lots of time to let it land and move through our bodies. The more vulnerable we can be in sharing our grief with others, the less of a grip it will have on us.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross named five stages of grief – including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As far as I know, she mentioned nothing around sexuality. However, when we allow our grief to move, it makes room for all of the joyful sensations in life, instead of us getting stuck in the pain.

 

Grief is an Essential Part of Life – and Sexuality

Grief doesn’t always have to involve a literal death. It can be an emotional reaction to change or loss. Yet underlying the pain is always a source of profound love.

Grief is often felt when someone loses a job, a child goes away to college, someone dies – or personally, in my most recent deep-grieving experience, when separating from my partner. It can be noticed on more subtle levels when we tune into the aging process, the changing world climate on all its various levels, or even the change of seasons. We feel grief deep in our bodies: our throats feel tight, our hearts break open, depression shows up like a weight in our gut or as anxiety-producing nausea. And more often than not, we also notice our sexual appetites wane. 

 

A Feel-Good Society Leaves out the Power of Sadness

Generally speaking, in our culture we are taught to focus on what feels good in any given moment. But I notice that when I accept something to which I was initially resistant to, I grow, flourish, and blossom. And when I resist, it persists until I pay attention.

Consider the birthing process. It can be extremely painful, and it’s tempting to clamp down on the intense sensations flooding the body. Of course, this doesn’t stop the process of childbirth; it only intensifies the suffering.

I know from personal experience with childbirth that the more I invited in all of the sensations, the more expanded and liberated I became. I transcended the pain by going through it, not around it. The ecstasy of birth is similar in many ways to the post-orgasmic glow after an amazing sexual encounter with a lover – flushed and red, throbbing with life force, and completely amazed by this new baby before you. Both are messy, raw, primal experiences that bring us completely into the moment.

 

From Heartbreak to Heart Breaking Open

Perhaps the same can be said about grief. The degree to which we surrender to it, is the degree to which we fully allow for all the feelings and sensations to move through us and have their way with us. This is when heartbreak evolves into the spaciousness of a heart breaking open. This is when we can open to sex more fully, because of the acceptance of grief and feeling it all – our sexuality included.

We feel most alive when we allow the feelings of grief to rattle us so completely, that we lose ourselves in rapturous despair. And when we open ourselves to the raw urgency of feeling all there is to feel. When we allow ourselves to be open enough to feel it throughout our body, we can be surprised to find ourselves able to receive deeper levels of pleasure than we ever thought possible.

The deeper we allow ourselves to go, the more pain and pleasure we become open to. Conversely, the more we numb ourselves in the name of staying calm, the more bland life will feel.

Personally, I want to see what is possible when I open myself to feeling all the way into my grief, my sadness, my anger, my despair… and my sexuality. When we choose to stay open, darker energies show up – sometimes unexpectedly – knocking us on our asses. If we can stay open enough to our grief, we can stay present to the parts of us that create new life… the parts of us that make life worth living.

 

Tips for experiencing grief

Practical Tips for Experiencing Grief 

Embodied Breathing

Try erotic embodiment breathing next time you want to tap into a powerful way to move grief through your body. It will also help you connect to your sexual desire. Here’s how you do it:

Step One: Take several deep, relaxing breaths into the chest. Make space for the chest to gently open as you notice what feels alive in that area. Allow for any feelings to emerge and be felt fully.

Step Two: Allow the breath to move down into your stomach. Allow for it to expand and contract like a balloon. Notice and sink into the energy of this part of your body. 

Step Three: Breathe all the way down to your pelvic floor. Allow it to open and for all your feelings and energy to move through your cock or pussy. Squeeze the muscles of the pelvic floor on the in-breath (like you are stopping the flow of urine when you pee), and release them on the out-breath. Do this several times. On the last breath, squeeze all the muscles in the body – and hold. When you release, allow all the sensations to flood through the body. Just be still and notice what is happening in the body and with your emotions. You may notice the second chakra energized and that grief has loosened its grip a bit.

Getting Cuddly & Attuning

Another way to move grief through is simply through cuddling and attuning. By maintaining eye contact with your partner while snuggling, you are allowing your nervous system to relax and sync up with the other’s. You allow yourself to be seen with whatever emotions are present which can be very liberating. The oxytocin that is created can bring about a feeling of relaxed arousal. Which in turn can lead to some pretty connected, epic lovemaking.

 

Using Grief to Deepen Intimacy

My personal journey involves grief around letting go of the 21-year relationship I had with my husband. I now know that for a long time before the relationship changed, I wasn’t acknowledging my grief around how it wasn’t working anymore. This denial only extended my silent suffering. While this coping strategy kept the wounds bandaged, the adhesive was always loose, and the pain was steady, reliable, and dull. Our sexual patterns were much the same, and we were both unsatisfied. At the same time, we were also unwilling to fully acknowledge and deal with the personal work we needed to do.  

When I started the process of separation and started living my truth, the pain didn’t go away, but its quality changed tremendously. Instead of numbing, I dove into periods of crying and emoting, followed by deep lovemaking with a new partner who could hold space for that. I used the grief as a portal into a deeper dimension of me, and discovered an intimacy that arose from knowing and trusting myself to follow my truth. Even when that truth contained some dense and painful processes. And though it often hurt like hell, I found that sexual ecstasy was part of the package. The ecstasy was a reward for all the brave work I’d done by honoring my grief.

 

Grief is a Tool that Should Not be Ignored

We don’t need to get divorced or lose a parent to tap into grief. It could be a feeling of loneliness or lack of fulfillment in your career. Especially at this time in history – when policies are being put into place that don’t seem to serve the greater good – grieving can be a powerful catalyst for change. Shedding tears and finding ways to express anger, without projecting, can drop us deeply into our bodies. And if we choose to, also move some of the collective grief through our sexuality.

So next time you feel a heavy energy tugging at you, or you are pushing away a feeling, notice if grief is trying to get your attention. Listen to what it has to say. Life may be a roller coaster ride, but with love, awareness, willingness, and the torch of sexuality lighting the way, we are always on the right track.

 


 

 

Wendy’s mission as an intimacy coach is to help you free the energy in your body and beckon Eros into your life. She brings compassion, playfulness, and wisdom to her sessions, and empowers you to release shame and self-judgment, discover and claim your desires, and increase your self-awareness and self-love.

Wendy sees clients in Sebastopol / Sonoma County CA.  Book a session with her now.

In an ideal world, Mother’s Day would be a time for moms to sit back, relax, and get their needs met – without having to run the show. But, what actually happens more often than not is that mothers have to plan their own festivities. And then they also have to act delighted and surprised when they receive the card they bought, or the “priceless” piece of Crayola artwork. So if you want to pamper her for this Mother’s Day – why not try an experience gift for mom? Here are some ideas:

How Can I Make My Wife Feel Special on Mother’s Day?

A lot of men ask us, “How can I make my wife feel special on Mother’s Day?” If you’re someone who is romantically partnered with a mom, you may not be able to step up the children’s gift game, but you can still make the effort to find out what she really wants… from her.

Let us spell it out: we are not talking about material gifts (although go ahead and do that, too). We mean you can use this day as a reminder to give her the exact brand of sex, romance, or physical attention she really wants from you. And, if you don’t know what she really likes – or you need a refresher – finding it out would be a great gift in and of itself.  

 

Meaningful Mother’s Day Gifts

Helping couples communicate about this is our specialty, so feel free to reach out if this sounds overwhelming. But there are still plenty of ways to give wonderful (and free) tokens of your love and appreciation to mom that can signify an immensely meaningful Mother’s Day gift.

Here are a few tips that can help you turn this Mother’s Day into a less material affair, and more of a memorable experience gift for mom. We’ve even made them into a simple little song…

 

This Mother’s Day – Stop, Look, and Listen

  1. Stop – Moms never get to stop. Even an official day of celebration for them can feel like a chore she needs to plan and may feel pressured to enjoy. So why not start by clearing the social calendar – make some time to be together without kids, without devices, and without any agenda.  Give her a chance to stop, and just relax. This may not be easy for either of you, and it will definitely take some work on your part to clear away those pesky to-do’s – but the resulting connection is guaranteed to make it worthwhile for the both of you.
  2. Look – Take a real look at this woman. Not for all she does – there is no way to show that full gratitude – but for who she is. Take her in. Find a specific part of her that you have not given enough attention to. Spend some time counting her beauty marks or freckles, or how many kisses it takes to get from one spot to another. Take a good look at her and let her feel it.
  3. Listen – You know what is crazy sexy to moms? Someone actually paying attention to them (sad, we know). But this tends to be a rare occurrence. Feeling heard is very sexy for many reasons. Leaning in and really listening might be one of the most important skills a lover can have – so this is possibly the  most meaningful experience gift for mom there is!

Love is an experience gift for mom

Remember when you first started dating? You couldn’t wait to have that first kiss. That’s because it was supercharged with intention, anticipation, and the unknown. Then, as time passes, the make out completely goes out the window and your erotic connection gets relegated to sex and the bedroom.

It’s time to rediscover the lost art of the make-out…

When you think about making out, you might just think it’s a few french kisses and some heavy petting, but the true art of the make-out is actually about bringing surprise and sexiness into different moments throughout the day and throughout your relationship. It’s less about what you do and all about how you do it. Instead of bringing silly slaps on the ass or quick pecks on the lips, the make-out is about taking a moment to take seriously and savor your connection.

  • Sneak up slowly from behind – gently wrap your arms around your partner’s waist and kiss their neck, bring some breath and bites in between the kisses to spread sensation down their spine. If they are taller than you, you can come up behind them when they are sitting down.
  • Look in your partner’s eyes – and give them a lingering kiss followed by a single, sincere knockout sentence. We heard one in our office last week from a couple who had been together for 10 years, he looked across the couch and said, “I’m just looking at your eyes, they are still the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.” As you can imagine this was more impactful than flowers or chocolates.
  • Ignore a movie – put on a movie you both love that you’ve seen too many times. Then, intermittently ignore it while going slowly through the bases. Don’t do more than one base per scene!
  • Recreate your first kiss – This never gets old. After some time it can be hard to see your partner with the kind of fascination and awe you had at the beginning. Taking a minute to recreate some aspects of a first encounter can set the stage for telling each other all of the things you found sexy then and adding some newer additions.

So lovers, this V-day instead of trying to do something elaborate, get back to basics and enjoy the hot, lasting, surprising pleasure of an epic makeout session.

“We are seriously out of practice,” Callie said after plopping down next to her boyfriend Holden. It was a bit of an unusual couple for us since neither of them seemed angry or even that worried about the fact that they hadn’t had sex for the past 2 years. More than anything they were perplexed. Callie added, “In the beginning, our sex was insanely romantic, like every touch and every look and every move was full of meaning and promise.” Holden chimed in, “After a while, that just sort of faded and it didn’t really get replaced with anything.”

“That sounds like some pretty High G sex,” I said laughing.

“Hi G?” Holden queried.

“Yes, it seems to me that the two of you started out with some really high gravity sex, sex where each of you took yourselves and each other extremely seriously. Maybe it’s time for a little bit of Low G Sex, something more playful and less consequential.”

The great thing about Callie and Holden was that they had already come to terms with the fact that sex was going to be different in a long-term relationship. Many couples who are having trouble in their sexual relationship hold so tightly to the early experiences, they never get to find a new rhythm with each other. While we certainly wanted to help Callie and Holden find out how to have the hottest sex they could, we also just wanted to get them back into each other’s orbit again. We wanted to help them re-break the ice.

Low G Sex, sex where you decide that you are just going to get it on without taking it too seriously, can be a great antidote to making sure sex happens in the midst of kids, work, social commitments and all the craziness of everyday life. So, how do you have Low G Sex? First, you need to agree that that’s what you are going to do and that you are both up for it. Callie and Holden loved the idea, and left our office ready to start their next sexual experience with some naked tickling (neither had an aversion) and a pillow fight.

In the next session, they were both red-cheeked as they told their story. “It was ridiculous but it helped so much. We just decided, one way or another, we are going to screw around and get off and it turned out to be a lot easier than we thought. Once we dropped the idea that it had to be the most mind-blowing sex in the world, we both ended up satisfied. Since then we can’t stop laughing about it, we lock eyes and just crack up!”

In addition to pillow fights and tickling, here are some other ways to have Low G sex:

  • Have an Oral Sex Match – see which one of you can last the longest giving the other oral sex. For the man, it is a double challenge because he needs to try to last long as a giver and receiver. The woman just gets to have as many orgasms as she can as the receiver (this is better for couples who won’t take the competitive part of this too seriously).
  • Give Each Other Lap Dances – Make sure you pick your favorite songs and shake and grind your way to Funky Town.
  • Porno Roulette – go to a porn site, each of you think of a sex word, put them together and search away. If you end up with MILF creampie, so be it.
  • Have an Innovative Sex Toy Party – bring out your favorite sex toys (or the ones you’ve never opened) and try to use them in a way their manufacturer did not intend.
  • Play Truth or Dare – and dare your partner to do all the things you want them to do to you. Don’t forget to have them moon the dog or ice their nipples at least once!

Remember in a long-term relationship, if you wait for the perfect time to have perfect sex, you might just wait forever. Letting yourself be silly and more relaxed can keep sex flowing in your lives. Try some Low G sex tonight and blast off…

A few weeks ago we posted an article on Layering for Women – how creating a symphony of all-over body sensations combined with different kinds of pussy stimulation can give women longer, stronger orgasms. Layering is the idea that we can add many different layers of sensation and psychological stimulation to a sexual experience to create higher levels of pleasure and more intense orgasms.

Now it’s time for the guys to have a turn! As we always say, when it comes to men’s orgasms, they can range from plain-old-good to Oh-My-God. If you want to give men the orgasms that the hottest dreams and memories are made of, you will need to practice some layering as well. Layering starts bringing your energy to sex – the men we know and work with often complain that their partners wait passively to be pleased instead of coming after them with desire.

Layer #1 – Visual Stimulation

“Honestly, one of the things that gets me most turned on is just seeing my girlfriend naked. I get turned on when she gets out of bed in the morning to go to the bathroom and I get to watch her ass as she walks away, knowing she’ll be back soon.”

Since many men are visually stimulated, one way to start is to give them something wonderful and sexy to look at. What they might want in this area can vary. Some men will really love it if you dress up in something sexy and do an erotic dance for them. Others will be much more interested and aroused watching you pleasure yourself for a while.

Either way, make sure that what you are doing is not a “show,” but something you feel really engaged in and can enjoy for yourself as well. If you are going to dance, dance for your pleasure, moving your body in ways that feel sexy to you and look at your partner with inviting eyes. If you are going to touch your body, touch for your pleasure, warming yourself up even as you warm up your partner with your sexiness.

Remember, women, if he has chosen you, it is because he thinks YOU ARE SEXY, so embrace the sexiness of your body exactly the way it is!

Layer #2 – Going After Them

“Women rarely make the first move on me, but I think it’s really hot and surprising when they do.”

Once you’ve tempted him with your beautiful body and sexual energy, it’s time to go after him with your desire. Kiss him passionately, and then kiss, lick, and bite his neck – you may need to turn him over so you get to the back of his neck and shoulders. Men generally don’t get very much all-over-body touching, so you can caress his body lightly front and back. If you really want him to feel your desire, make sure that you intersperse some good grabbing of his muscles and ass.

Layer #3 – Talking Dirty

“For me, if there’s no talk during sex, I’m like, ‘What’s the point?’”

Men love to hear all different kinds of dirty talk, and this layer really engages their sexual brain. They want to hear everything from how beautiful their cock is to what fantastic lovers they are. You can tell them dirty stories about a threesome where the two of you pick up a third, or tell them in a sexy way exactly what you want them to do to you. Don’t shy away from explicit language – just about any guys will light up when they hear how wet your pussy is for them.

Layer #4 – Don’t Neglect the Cock

“My wife loves my cock, no matter what else she’s doing, it seems like some part of her body is always touching my cock at the same time.”

While most women love a lot of touch before you go to her pussy, men are often ready for cock touch much sooner. The trick is to gently incorporate the cock without losing track of the rest of the body. You might use one of your hands to stroke his chest or back while using the other hand to begin to gently caress his cock and balls. Unfortunately, most penises get one kind of touch, a grab with an up and down motion, yet the penis can enjoy all kinds of layering.

Layer #5 – Focusing on Cock and Balls

“Balls often get neglected, I mean I know they aren’t pretty, but it’s crazy how intense it feels to have them licked, and I always keep them shaved just hoping she will include them.”

To layer sensation on the penis and balls you can use your tongue, your whole mouth, your fingertips or a combination of all of the above. If you are giving a blowjob, definitely let yourself be creative in the beginning, licking slowly, cupping his balls, stroking his thighs as you tease him. You can also suck his cock while moving your tongue side to side across the shaft. This creates an extra layer of sensation on his frenulum – the area of the penis right below the head of his cock. If you can do that while also gently stroking and playing with his balls, you’re there! For an extra bonus layer, get your finger wet and stroke his asshole. If he doesn’t pull away, try putting your finger inside as you go down on him.

Layer #6 – The Inside and Out of Intercourse

“It’s way hotter for me to hear my partner making sounds or touching me back than if they just lie there.”

Adding layers while he’s inside you can also increase the intensity of his orgasm. Your sexy noises and words, grabbing his ass, or using your nails on his back can all intensify sensation. Also, whether he is inside of your pussy or ass, giving his cock some extra squeezes with your PC or anal muscles might just send his orgasm through the roof. Some men like a finger in their ass when they are inside you as well. You can reach down and play with his balls while he is fucking you or stick your tongue deep inside his mouth.

Guys – we hope you enjoy all of the new layers your sweethearts give you once they read this article!

Love,
Celeste & Danielle