Sex and Relationship Coaching for a Passionate, Connected and Fulfilling Life

For pride, Celeste decided to come out once more…as something a little different….

I want to speak on behalf of a group of folks who I think get a bad name – Unicorn Hunters – couples who are looking for a bisexual woman (or really, any woman, to whom they are attracted) who is willing to sleep with them. I have now been both the hunter and the prey – a unicorn and unicorn hunter. I can speak from a unique vantage point and say that I feel completely at peace with my cannibalistic nature. But it has taken me some time to get there.

A little history first. I came out as bisexual my freshman year in college. It was 1992 at UC Santa Cruz, a gay mecca if there ever were one and I was embraced with open arms – sort of. The queer community was amazing at UCSC and, because I was dating only women at the time, it was easy to be mistaken for a lesbian. I met so many wonderful, queer people who were exploring themselves and their sexuality and, occasionally, in groups of lesbians, I was privy to a slew of bi-phobic and derisive comments, “I’m never dating a bisexual again,” and, “I don’t think she’s even gay,” and, with a disgusted emphasis on the word man, “She left her for a man”. Believe me, I can understand wanting to minimize the chance of getting hurt in a relationship, the problem is, you can’t. Through my own relationship experience and as a Sex and Intimacy Coach I am acutely aware that part of being in a long-term relationship is dealing with the fact that people are different, and want different things. So, avoiding bisexuals or open-relationships or anything else you try to do to never get hurt, doesn’t work. You can try and control how you will be hurt, but it rarely works. But, I digress.

My point here is not to say that everyone should date bisexuals if that makes them feel unsafe. Humans judge in order to survive and I have compassion for that. However, I am a member of two groups who receive an undue share of societal judgement, unicorns – bisexual woman who are willing to sleep with couples – and unicorn hunters- the (usually, opposite sex) couples seeking them out. The roots of these judgments rely on ideas that women are not actually sexual, or capable of acting on their desires. As someone who has found both sides of the unicorn equation highly pleasurable I want to dispel the idea that threesomes are just something men talk unsuspecting “naturally monogamous” women into.

After college, as the lesbians surrounding me feared, I did have LTRs with men. This was not a “going back” into the arms of patriarchy and hertosexual priviledge. This was just my very personal trajectory as a bisexual woman who tried to find the partners that meet my changing needs. Gender can be a shorthand for all sorts of stereotypes that do and don’t hold true. For me, the women I had long-term relationships with had much lower sex drives than I did and often shamed me for wanting a lot of sex. I found I was more aligned with the men I dated in this and some other important aspect of relationships.

For most of my life I have been in a relationship, however, during the times I was not, I still needed sex. When I needed sex, for me the most fun, exciting and safe way to do that, was to have sex with couples. It was fun because I got to have great experiences with both men and women and it was emotionally safe for me. I didn’t have to worry about the things women are brainwashed into worrying about when they are single and have sex with single men – I didn’t have to worry about feeling used and I didn’t feel the need to justify the sex I was having by trying to fall in love with everyone I fucked. They had each other and I was a free agent. I also felt safe having a woman there, I felt more confident in asking for what I wanted and I felt my boundaries were more likely to be respected. The beautiful, amazing and occasionally uninteresting couples I had sex with were always respectful, giving and extremely appreciative. I loved being a unicorn.

During my partnerships with men, I have, at times, still been interested in dating and having sex with women. I negotiated open relationships with my male partners so that I could still experience sex and, less often, love with other women. Sometimes I looked for those women to date and have sex with on my own and sometimes my partner and I looked for women to date and have sex with. Sometimes I dated women who occasionally had threesomes with me and my partner and sometimes my partner dated women who I joined for threesomes. Finding and having sex with unicorns has been tons of fun and a deeply bonding experience with my male partners. It has also been an opportunity to have wonderful sex and bad sex and loving relationships and painful relationships with many amazing women.

I can’t say I did it perfectly. The truth is that women are often scarier to me than men and sometimes having sex with them is easier than the vulnerability of falling in love. I feel less certain about whether or not women are attracted to me and I fear they can change their mind at any moment and I protect myself more in relation to women. Being a unicorn and a unicorn hunter has given me ways of connecting with women, and my own bisexual desires, that feel safer and more comfortable to me. In all of my relationships, no matter how casual, I do my best. I always attempt to repair if there have been challenges and to listen when there are hurts. Sometimes, feelings of jealousy and possessiveness in my partnerships got so intense, I did not do well at all. Like everything else, being a unicorn hunter has it’s challenges.

But still, I am a unicorn hunter. I am looking for women who want to have sex with my partner and I who are self-possessed and know what they want and will ask. I am looking for women who want to have sex with my partner so they can just see what it’s like. I am looking for women who want lots of attention from two sexy, appreciative people who want to help them learn about their sexuality, their body and their orgasm. I am looking for women who are straight, bi-curious, bi, lesbian, mono, swinger, poly, top, bottom, switch – women who choose to identify whatever way they want and want to explore. I am looking for women like myself – afraid, brave, sexual and human.

In the U.S., most of the words we consider to be “vulgar” are words that have to do with sex, or, at least with bodily functions. If something goes terribly wrong, we shout out words that indicate sexual intercourse or defecation and, to really offend someone, you either say something that indicates that they’ve had sex with their mother or that their mother is overly sexual, (i.e. no better than a female dog in heat). This isn’t true for every country. For example, when French Canadians swear, they use words like “calisse” (literally challis) or “tabarnak” (derived from tabernacle), words that disrespect the church or religion. We think the use of sex-based or body-based swear words is merely one more indication of the sex negativity of our society and we refuse to buy into it. Sure, the words we have in the U.S. may not be ideal, but that doesn’t mean we should borrow those of other cultures and eschew our own charged and imperfect options. So we choose to reclaim them, and we use these words in our workshops and in our day-to-day discussions of sexuality. We have our favorites, “cock” for men, “pussy” for women and we embrace all of your favorites as well. If one of our male clients comes in and has a dick, a peter or a “Goodyear Blimp”, we say “hooray,” if a woman comes in and she has a vulva, a cunt, or a “Clitty Cat,” we say “bravo.” In the South, when someone swears, you might hear another person quickly correct them by saying “don’t use Language with me.” Language is powerful, important and mutable (our use of words changes their meaning) and swear words are no more than that, a part of our language. We can use them lovingingly or with fear, we can give in to sex-negativity or make these words our own. So we say to all you men out there, “you have a beautiful cock” and to the women “you have the most luscious pussy”! We encourage you to be playful with sexual and sexy words and experience the joy of oral freedom. Try on some new ones everyday, make up some of your own and see which words fit best for you!

I was pretty stormy today…very emotional…in a way that only women can be. I almost forgot that I just came back from a relaxing weekend in Harbin Hot Springs that rejuvenated me and replenished my energy. I sat in front of the computer trying to answer some emails and move along with the day…nothing happened! I was sitting there biting my nails and then I remembered Celeste’s glowing face after she made a list of some of the things that give her pleasure, and decided to give it a try…so…what gives me pleasure is…

  • Being heard and understood
  • A good, warm hug
  • A good cry or emotional release
  • Seeing people transform and accept themselves right in front of my eyes
  • Soaking in a deep, warm pool and feeling my breasts float, partly exposed to the cool air
  • Dipping in a hot pool and then cold and hot over and over again and noticing how my body moves from tension and resistance to complete surrender, from surrender to fullness, and from fullness to joy and laughter – YES
  • Coming to a place where I embrace my imperfections and say the hell with it
  • Sunbathing in the nude and feeling the sun spread on my skin from my face to my neck to my belly to my pussy and between my legs
  • Cuddling with my partner and watching a movie
  • Having deep, connected, slow, intense, synchronized sex – being penetrated to the depth of my soul and being held there…
  • Submitting to my desire when I feel horny, and initiating hot impatient sex
  • Dipping good chocolate in hot cafe latte, and licking it slowly allowing it to melt in my mouth
  • Eating food slowly when I am hungry
  • Watching my kids cooperate and take care of each other
  • Cuddling and laughing with my kids
  • Asking for what I want
  • A good massage given by a talented masseur
  • Spreading my body naked in bed after a long day, and feeling the softness of the sheets caress my body
  • Feeling my nipples get erect, and feeling arousal and aliveness spread in my body when it has nothing to do with sex

While typing I allowed myself to really embody the experience, I noticed how my body became relaxed, filled with joy, expanded, and felt more alive and aroused…
I can’t wait to get some inspiration from you all and find out what gives you pleasure…

xoxo,
Danielle

Sometimes when we walk through our day to day lives, we forget to check in and see if we are even enjoying ourselves. Because Danielle and I believe so deeply in the importance of living a pleasure-filled life, we often play a game with ourselves called, “What Gives Me Pleasure” where we take five minutes to list everything we can think of RIGHT NOW that does or would give us pleasure. Here is my latest list, what’s on yours?

  • The slippery feeling of avocado across my tongue
  • The sound of people’s voices when they feel excited or motivated about their lives
  • Staring deeply into a persons eyes until I can see their soul glimmering through
  • Brainstorming my next crazy adventure with my family and friends
  • Being held in the strong embrace of someone who I love and who loves me
  • The smell of vanilla and rose oils
  • The way the sun feels when it hits my pussy during naked sunbathing
  • The taste of coconut butter
  • Sliding my hands along my hips and massaging my lower back
  • Stretching my arms up as high as I can reach and letting out a deep sigh
  • Lightly touching the softest part of a person’s body
  • Deeply holding the hardest part of a person’s body
  • Puer tea and everything else that tastes like the earth
  • Bellydancing and belly laughing with my sisters
  • Deep sleep with vivid dreams, bundled in the warmth of soft, fuzzy blankets
  • Historical fiction or any other fiction that makes me stop for a second and see life from a different point of view
  • Small dogs with flat or funny faces
  • The way that tropical weather makes my whole body moist inside and out
  • My mothers homemade tinctures
  • The sound of my father’s voice when he reads to me

In passion,
Celeste

Have you ever wanted to know what secretly goes on in the minds of two sex and intimacy coaches? In this blog we are going to expose the ins and outs of passion, sexual excitement, intimacy, erotic power, sensuality and ecstasy. Our deepest purpose is for you to discover and experience the heights of your sexual potential and to live your life fully in every moment. We do it by diving into life and savoring it like tasting our favorite foods or the rush of a rollercoaster ride. In service of this goal, we will share with you personal stories, tips and tricks, anonymous success stories of individuals and couples with whom we’ve worked (with their consent, of course!) and so much more. We would love your comments, questions, ideas and feedback. Don’t wait another moment watching your life happen from afar, take a leap of faith and dive right in, the water is divine…