How Cockfidence Helped me Succeed at a Sex Party
“I don’t know who you are, but that strap-on you’re wearing … mmm… just WORKS for you,” I said to her, walking up to her slowly and looking into her eyes. “Oh, thank you,” she replied playfully, “Would you like a kiss?”
We made out for a bit. “Unfortunately, I have to move on,” she pouted her delicious lips and said, pointing to a group of people beckoning to her. Wiggling her shapely ass at me, she asked, “One for the road?” Since she asked nicely, I obliged.
This was such a different play party experience for me
In the past, play parties have been a stressful place. I’ve been the guy who creepily hangs out in a corner looking sad and pathetic because he’s all alone and doesn’t know what to do while everyone else around him is having a great time. I’ve been the guy who has tons of great conversations with women, only to have them fizzle out to a friendly, awkward sputter. I’ve been the guy who’s been rejected many, many times by women who are “only here to watch”, only to watch them 10 minutes later in the throes of passion with another guy.
In short, play parties are like real life – a microcosm of everything that happens in sex, dating, and relationships out there, but at warp speed and on steroids.
Frustrated with the constant rejection and stress that play parties entail, I stopped going to them for over a year. However, as I’ve been working on becoming a sex and relationship coach via the Somatica Training and learning all of the tools that they also teach in their Cockfidence workshop and so my curiosity was aroused. Would I be able to navigate a play party better with all of my new skills? I decided to try it out.
The party was a gorgeous home with a great view, a backyard with a large pool, and hot tub. The centerpiece of the living room was a lovely, bright red set of aerial silks hung from a hook in the ceiling. Several rooms upstairs and downstairs were converted to play spaces. It was a bright, sunny day and everyone was in a good mood.
I arrived a bit early and offered to help with setup. This helped me calm my own nerves down and get to know the hosts and organizers a bit. As more people gathered, I mingled and made friends. I was genuinely interested in who these people were and what drew them here.
Embodiment and being connected to my cock
As I started walking around, I felt a lot more embodied and connected to my desire and my cock. This is part of what Cockfidence is all about. Most of us guys live in our heads. We spend all of our time analyzing and performing, and very little time just being. This might sound a little bit woo-woo and abstract, but it has real consequences. When we meet women, we end up expressing our desire unnaturally and inauthentically. We are constantly thinking about putting on the right performance, trying to be seductive while worrying about doing things right, saying the right line, not being perceived as a creep or a perpetrator, trying to be nice.
News flash: the very effort we put on to not appear creepy is often the very thing that others perceive as creepy in the first place! Creepy is what sometimes happens when there is a disconnect between the different signals we give out. For example, there is a gorgeous woman in front of me that I really, really desire, but in my head, I’m going, “I need to play it cool and nice. Girls don’t like guys who just want sex. I need to show her I’m friendly.” As a result, the vibe I give out is a weird mishmash of desire and shame; creepy some of the time, not sexy all of the time.
During Somatica, we went through many different exercises in connecting with our own body and desire. I learned that being connected to my cock doesn’t mean I have to walk around with a massive hard-on all the time. It means that I can access, and I’m comfortable with my sexual desire. This means that I control better how I reveal it. That desire and the control over the desire is very sexy for women.
Cockfidence is a big mindset shift. being connected and embodied helps me access and express desire better, be more playful, and have an attitude of abundance instead of scarcity. But mindset is not all. A man also needs to have some real skills.
Feather touch: a gateway drug
A couple of years ago, touching a woman felt like an intractable mystery. “It’s too hard!” “You’re tickling me!”. It felt like constant guesswork to figure out what kind of touch a woman wanted. Somatica teaches a number of different sexy touches, and especially the importance of starting with feather touch, or light caressing and escalating from there. During the party, I ran into a really cute redhead. We started talking, and (after asking) I started caressing her arm. Her response? “Well, if you’re going to touch me like THAT, we need to find a better location and I need to take some clothes off!” The light caressing warmed her up and pretty soon, we were in the throes of a really passionate, sexy time.
Feather touch is a superpower. It’s a safe, sensual touch that most women enjoy immensely. It builds trust, and not a lot of men have mastered it. Learn it well, young padawan, and the force will be with you.
To gain Cockfidence you need to you need to learn not only feather touch but holding touch as well as different kinds of sexual attitudes, ranging from very tender and romantic to very passionate and dominant. It helps when a man has all of these tools in his repertoire.
If I did it, so can you…
Play parties can be terrifying if you’re new to them. As a guy, going by yourself can bring up lots and lots of issues: past rejection, shame, fear of being a perpetrator, fear of being creepy. However, it’s also possible with a little bit of work to learn how to have a really fun time, make awesome friends, be playful, and even have some really great sex. Somatica definitely helped me get into the Cockfidence mindset, and I look forward to lots more fun parties in the future.
- Raj is a professional photographer and a student in this year’s Somatica Training. He is planning to start his own practice as a Sex and Relationship Coach when he graduates!