Exposed

Studies have shown that the number one sexual complaint of women across the U.S. is low sexual desire (low libido). For the next few posts, we will present the main reasons why women suffer from low libido and give some ideas on how women can help themselves and gain the help of their partners in increasing their desire for and enjoyment of sex.

In this series, we will go over the psychological, interpersonal and social reasons why women suffer from low libido. In addition to these, there are some lifestyle choices, medications and illnesses that can cause low libido in women so, if you are not feeling satisfied with your level of sexual desire, it may be important to take a look at these possible factors as well. For example, anti-depressants can lower desire and can also impede orgasm (which can, in turn decrease the desire for sex), Hormonal forms of birth control (such as the pill) can decrease libido as can alcohol and drug use. Fatigue and very low weight (caused by eating or exercising disorders) can also effect women desire for sex. Rest, eating healthy, regular exercise and avoiding excessive drinking are all extremely helpful and basic to desire, however there is so much more that effects women’s desire and there are some great, natural ways that women, along with the help of their partners, can feel more turned on, more sexual and more desirous of sex.

Over the next few posts we are going to talk about the ways that women become distanced from their desire, the myths and incorrect assumptions about what turns women on and the pathway back to healthy and satisfying levels of sexual desire. You will find out what is in sex for you and how you can create it in your life and your partnerships.

Since you are reading this right now, why not begin with a short exercise. Take a moment to think about your best sexual experience or your hottest fantasy and write it down. If you are drawing a blank, simply write down what you feel when you are asked to think about these things – what emotions arise, what thoughts, what images. In the upcoming posts, we will talk more about why you have the fantasies you do, how to get them, and why so many women draw a blank when it comes to knowing what they want…

We are already on chapter 3 of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”. Confidence is the third of nine qualities for men to possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.

— Chapter 3 – Confidence —

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

A news article titled “Are There Really 40 Year Old Virgins?” caught our attention recently. We are so happy about the appearance of this article in Psychology Today. We have worked with many virgins to help them overcome shyness or fear around intimacy so that they can approach potential partners and initiate conversations and intimacy. For men in particular, who are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. While we are not surrogate partners, the work we do is very experiential and, unlike surrogates, we focus on the chemistry of attraction, helping folks move beyond technique to seduction as as well as displays of desire and passion. Often, after men have worked with us, they decide to keep their virginity private and the women they sleep with have no clue. One of the virgins we worked with had a partner who said, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. She thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good :-)

We have also worked with women virgins to help them feel safe and open with their sexuality, to overcome shyness and to communicate their needs directly with potential partners. Another big issue that women face is lack of orgasm. Many women lose their virginity but are still orgasmically virgins. We love to help women learn how to have their first orgasm, to orgasm with a partner (if they can only do it through masturbation) or to expand their orgasmic potential to multiple orgasms or G-Spot orgasms. We have both female and male colleagues so that folks can work with whatever gender person feels right for them, depending on their sexual identity and sense of safety. It’s great to see this topic being discussed in a mass distribution publication like Psychology Today and we hope that all the virgins and orgasmic virgins out there feel inspired to get the help they need.

So tell us, have you had the experience of having sex with and “older” virgin? What was it like knowing you were helping this person transition into non-virginity?

We recently launched our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”, a straightforward guide that will show you how to attract sexual desire from women and bring them to the heights of their erotic and orgasmic potential. You will find your personal power, clarify who you are and what you want in your life, and have mind-blowing sex and passionate connections with women.

For the next few weeks we will post excerpts of our book here.  We are convinced you will enjoy this preview so much that you will order your own copy!

Enjoy week one!

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INTRODUCTION

In our practice, we meet men who want to be themselves and understand what women want sexually and interpersonally. We have so much compassion for men; men and women are very different and it can be very confusing to try to figure out what women want. In the process of connecting with women, there are many stumbling blocks that may pull you out of your center. These include hiding your sexual desire for fear of rejection; misunderstanding women, their emotions and their desires; or fearing that connecting with a woman in any way means making a commitment, even if you aren’t ready.

There is an art to becoming the kind of man who claims his own desires and satisfies a woman’s deepest longings. This book teaches you the secret connection between stepping into your power and igniting a woman’s desire. The secret is found in your connection with your sexual energy and we call this connection Cockfidence.

This book is for all men whether single, dating, in a relationship or married; it also for all women who want to support the men in their lives and learn about their own sexuality. For a man who is single or dating, Cockfidence means you approach women with ease and playfulness and attract them with sincerity, not deception. You are also confident in your sexual desire and know you’ve got what it takes to please them sexually. For men in a new relationship, Cockfidence means knowing your partner wants you. You also know how to create a safe space where your partner can open up to you and give all of herself, sexually and emotionally. For men in long-term relationship or married men, Cockfidence means that, once the honeymoon period is over and the hormones are fading, you know how to keep seduction and creativity alive. You also leave room for growth and change in your sex life and your relationship. Finally, this book is for women who want to better understand themselves and their partner and support him in growing his Cockfidence.

The relationship between your power and freedom and women’s sexual desire (and her own freedom and power) is complex. There are no books or experts out there who lay it all out in one place. There are pieces about how to be a good technical lover and how to pick up and bed women, and some even touch on long-term relationships with women. Others cover masculine power or uncovering the mystery of women, but no book has brought all of these aspects together in one short, straight-forward and practical manual. Until now.

In this last installment of our series on ED, we want to add that there are times when ED is actually a functional response to a dysfunctional situation. In other words, in cases of situational ED, it may be that your penis is actually giving you the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain. For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her). Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive, but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:

1) Identify your Feelings: you might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how thing are going.

2) Identify your Needs: you might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.

3) Identify your Boundaries: you might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.

4) Break the Silence: you might consider reading the books Cockfidence and Non-violent Communication in order to help you with identifying and sharing your feelings, needs and boundaries in a way that is most likely to be heard. You may even want to read these books together with your partner. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence. Feel free to send us an email, give us a call at (415) 336-3258 or get in touch with a therapist in your area. When shopping for a therapist, see if you can find anyone who has a somatic (body-based) or mindfulness-based approach and be picky. Make sure you feel good with whoever you work with.

In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!

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If you missed the previous posts in this series on treating Psychological Erectile Dysfunction, you can find them here:

- Post 1: 3 Causes of Psychological Erectile Dysfunction (ED) – and How To Heal Them Without Drugs

- Post 2: Fix Erectile Dysfunction (ED) By Overcoming Performance Anxiety

- Post 3: Erectile Dysfunction – Could there be such a thing as too much impulse control?

In addition to performance anxiety, we find that those who suffer from Erectile Dysfunction also have anxiety that comes from a fear of and a pulling back from their own natural impulses towards sexual interaction and escalation. In others words, many men who suffer from ED suffer from an impulse control problem – not too little control, but TOO MUCH. While sexual desire is one of the most natural functions on the planet, what many men learn is that sexual desire is wrong, bad, and harmful to women. Unfortunately, these kinds of messages about sex, and especially the message that women don’t actually want sex, leave the “good guys” of the world, who want to please and don’t want to harm women, in a state of frozen impulses. There is little that is more anxiety-provoking than stopping your natural desires over and over and over again, especially in the face of a competing internal pressure to perform and please. In our work with men, we help them to unfreeze these impulses, and practice following their body’s own desires in a way that is also very pleasurable for their partners and connected with their partner’s bodies and desires. As the impulses begin to free up and men stop hesitating at every turn, their erections become more reliable and lasting. We hope, if you are dealing with ED that comes from too much impulse control, that you take some time to try fix Erectile Dysfunction the natural way first!

Step 1: Pay attention to your own sexual desires and impulses. Without any judgment as to what those desires are, notice the natural impulses that your body wants to follow in the face of those to whom you are attracted. Take some time to enjoy the aliveness in your body that comes from having those natural desires and impulses.

Step 2: Listen for the automatic messages. Notice what kinds of messages you say to yourself when you are having sexual impulses. Do you immediately question whether or not your partner wants your advances? Do you fear rejection or hurting someone by trying something new or different? Do you feel like you wait for permission for every escalation?

Step 3: Create conscious messages. Try out your own version of the following messages: “It is perfectly normal to have sexual desires.” “If my partner has chosen to be in a sexual relationship with me, it is very likely that she wants to feel my desire coming towards here” (research has shown that being desired is the top of the list in terms of what turns women on). “Just because my partner doesn’t want something I want, or doesn’t want sex right now, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want me or never wants sex.”

Step 4: Honor and follow your impulses. When you feel sexual desire or arousal, see if you can shorten the time between feeling the impulse and following it. Let your body do the thinking for you (yes, we are telling you to listen to your little brain – more on this in the next installment as well!), and seduce your partner instead of asking for permission. Follow her cues and stay at the edge of her boundaries without backing off at every slight sign of rejection, she may just be checking in with herself to see if she is feeling aroused as well. If she really isn’t interested, let her tell you directly.

When you follow your body’s natural impulses, your arousal will lead to its normal and natural outcome, a firm and lasting erection. You will feel the flow of your own desire in concert with your partner’s and share a circuit of pleasure that can build to the heights of intensity and satisfaction. Enjoy!

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If you missed the previous posts in this series on treating Psychological Erectile Dysfunction, you can find them here:

- Post 1: 3 Causes of Psychological Erectile Dysfunction (ED) – and How To Heal Them Without Drugs

- Post 2: Fix Erectile Dysfunction (ED) By Overcoming Performance Anxiety

Countless men suffer from erectile dysfunction (or ED), the inability to get or maintain an erection. While many drugs, such as Viagra and Cialis, are available to mask the symptoms, they do not deal with the underlying causes of ED. For some men, these drugs are not an effective solution and for others, who have medical conditions that prohibit the use of performance-enhancing drugs, there can still be help. Also, there are some men out there who want to fix ED, but simply do not want to be reliant on a drug. While we are not against drugs as one possible pathway to greater confidence, we believe starting with more natural, holistic solutions should be first. We work with many men who deal with erectile dysfunction and want men to know that, for many of you, there are alternative solutions, especially when the root of erectile dysfunction is psychological as opposed to physiological.

One way to tell if you are dealing with psychological ED is if it is not across the board. In other words, if you feel comfortable and relaxed and have perfectly normal erections during masturbation but cannot get them with a partner, you are likely dealing with psychological ED. (Note: If you are having ED in all situations, even masturbation, make sure you get it checked out as it can be a sign of heart disease). We have found that psychological ED has at least 3 underlying roots and we are offering a short series explaining each of the roots and how to deal with them. It is also possible to be dealing with two or all three of the underlying causes at once. We believe you are the expert on your own life and sexual health. In reading these articles, you might consider which underlying causes of ED feel like they might apply to you. For partners of folks dealing with ED, take account of what you know about your partner, and see if any of these seem to fit. The three underlying causes that we have found are performance anxiety, impulse control (too much, not too little) and a functional response to a dysfunctional situation (where you have very good reasons NOT to be having sex with the person you are attempting to have it with and your penis knows better than you do). In our first installment, we will tell you about performance anxiety and how you can turn the tides. In our second installment, we will explain why too much impulse control short-circuits your body’s natural arousal mechanisms and how to get back in touch with and follow your instincts. In our third piece we will talk about how your penis can sometimes be smarter than you and how to start listening and taking seriously what it says!

So subscribe to our blog and get the information as soon as we post it.

“Women reach their sexual peak at age 35. Men reach theirs at 18. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We reach our sexual peak just as they’re coming to realize they have a favorite chair?” – Comedienne Rita Rudner

We love Rita and her wonderful commentary on the confusing belief about women’s sexual peak, and we want to unravel some misconceptions about a woman’s sexual peak vs. her physiological peak to help you understand your own sexual maturation.

Women reach their hormonal sexual peak during their teens (puberty), just the same way that boys do. As we grow older, especially in our late 30s, our hormonal levels decrease, decreasing our physiological sexual drive. This means as we age, our bodies desire sex less. (With spikes in desire around ovulation and menstruation until menopause.) After menopause, our bodies want sex less overall and we lose the spikes.  Thus, our physiological sexual peak happens in our teens – so why do we say women reach their sexual peak at 35? It has nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with the society we live in.

Although we may be in our hormonal peak just after puberty, girls are warned of the dangers of sex: pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and being seen as a slut. We then distance from our sexuality. Eventually women begin to figure out what they want sexually and begin to be much more direct in asking for it. (This usually happens from running across a lover who is attentive, attuned and skilled, or from reading about sexual pleasure, learning from friends or learning through self-pleasuring.) This learning leads to what has been commonly known as our “sexual peak.” Sex feels better and we generally learn how to orgasm more consistently or even how to have multiple orgasms. Often, a woman’s G-Spot is awakened in their 30s and they have the ability to have G-Spot or combination orgasms.

The earlier you begin learning about and expanding your own sexual responsiveness the more your hormones support this learning. Beginning sooner rather than later gives you the opportunity to embody your highest sexual potential. And remember, it is never too late! If you want to find out what is on the menu for you sexually so you can expand your responsiveness, your desire for sex and find out more about what’s in it for you come see us for some coaching! You can also gain a lot of information about yourself from reading the second half of Cockfidence (and more information about men by reading the first half) and your partner can become more sensitive and attuned by attending Cockfidence: The Workshop. Our dream for you is that you know what you want, know how to ask for it and get it in every area of your life from relationship to work, from sex to friendships and in everything else – we are here to help. Call us any time if you have any questions. We answer our phones and would love to talk! (415) 336-3258

We just sent out this article to our newsletter subscribers but wanted to make it more accessible so you would have some good gift ideas for yourself or your sweetie this holiday season. You can sign up to receive our newsletter here!

This year for the holidays we thought we’d share our list of essentials when it comes to adult toys. We made a list and checked it twice and here the must-haves both naughty and nice (If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area, all of these are available at Good Vibes):

• The Hitachi Magic Wand – if you like a lot of stimulation and don’t mind a plug-in the Magic Wand rarely fails to please. For something a bit lighter, battery-operated and with a larger variety of settings, you might also like the Mystic Wand.
• A Massage Candle – these amazing items burn like candles but act like oil so you can enjoy a lovely hot-oil massage by candle-light.
• A big, pump-bottle of Liquid Silk lube (compatible with condoms) – lube is a must-have and, after extensive personal research, we have found the wettest, loveliest lube around. The pump bottle is essential, no mess and no caps to unscrew.
• An Ostrich Feather – or any other types of ticklers, teasers and skin pleasers from scarves to back scratchers should be kept near the bed.
• A Fun Wand Metal Dildo – for internal adventures, we highly recommend these visually stunning and lovingly crafted metal toys. Try warming them up under hot water first if the weather is cold and get creative!

One basic you can’t get at Good Vibes but men shouldn’t do without (you can get it on Amazon):

• Biotone Advanced Therapy Massage Gel – for personal pleasure try this massage gel. It’s slippery without being drippy and so much fun (not compatible with condoms).

Happy Holidays -  C & D

Each week, we post on our blog a portion of a chapter in our upcoming book for men, Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild. Cockfidence shares the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  This is the last entry before we have Sensualité, our book launch party at 111 Minna in SF — http://www.celesteanddanielle.com/party.html — where there will be fun and sexy performances, dancing, and a few surprises including our new, wonderful book.  We will have many copies on hand for sale.  So, here our book sneak-peek concludes with an invitation to integrate the 9 Qualities and living a full, fearless life.

— Live your Life Fully and Fearlessly —
By living your life fully and fearlessly, you now have the power to choose to create experiences for yourself and with others that give you the most pleasure, satisfaction and inspiration. By focusing on yourself and letting go of perfection, you find acceptance for who you are and bring curiosity and appreciation to your partner. By continuing to live life through the 9 Qualities of an Extraordinary Lover, you emerge every day as the most magnetic, exciting, powerful manifestation of yourself.

In addition, you have learned how to love women authentically from the depth of who you are. Many men say that they love women. More than any words you might say, it is the actions you take that show whether you are compatible with an amazing woman and able to inspire your partner to her greatest strengths. On this pathway, you have learned to experience women with empathy and support. Your ability to dive in and connect – without merging and clinging, and without holding back and resenting – is the evidence of love.

When you love women and desire them in every moment and with all of your heart and soul, when you can love women as they are, whether they are joyful, sad, excited or angry, you have transcended the fear that women tend to inspire in men. When you fully love and accept women, you see them as people with a purpose, as equals, as powerful agents of change, and as an inspiration. You invite women to be their whole selves because their bigness does not threaten you or make you feel small. Through living the 9 Qualities, you can be with a woman from a place of power and bravery, a place of true Cockfidence.