December 9th, 2011 § § permalink
People come to us all the time feeling guilty about their needs in the bedroom. Instead of being really clear about what they want and seeing whether their partner is up for it or not, they don’t ask at all or only ask for a small percentage of what they need, feeling that everything in the bedroom needs to be tit for tat.
Our clients, let’s call them Sean and Carmen, were a perfect example of this. Carmen really enjoys receiving touch and needs plenty all-over body caressing, grabbing, and kissing in order to get to the height of her arousal, yet she felt really guilty about her desire to receive and her lack of interest in caressing Sean back. In separate sessions, she shared this while her partner Sean admitted somewhat shyly that what he loved more than anything was giving, and that he felt most turned on by previous partners who had acted like a queen the bedroom. He was a bit disappointed that Carmen was always trying to give back equally and continued trying to ask her for what she wanted, to no avail. Once we finally created a space for them to have an open conversation, they couldn’t believe they had spent 19 years of marriage never talking about their real desires. They happen to be a perfect match.
Of course, not every couple who comes with us fits as perfectly as Sean and Carmen. When going to the “negotiating table” with your partner over all things sex-related and otherwise, why not start by asking for 100% of what you want, encouraging them to do the same and then seeing what is possible in relationship to each of your desires and boundaries. Think about it, if you start by asking for 50% and then compromise, you will probably end up with 30% and 30% is not enough. If you ask for 100%, first of all, you just might get it. Secondly, you have a much greater chance of getting at least 70% or 80% which, for most of us, is plenty! Sometimes, the thought of asking for what you really want can bring up fear of judgement or insecurities, if you need help, we are here!
One final thought: when it comes to differing needs and capacities around sex, unlike in other areas of your life, if you are choosing monogamy, there is no option to outsource those needs. Stay tuned to our blog for an upcoming series on Commitment, Monogamy and Cheating to find out about how couples handle differing desires in both monogamous and non-monogamous agreements and what you can do if you are a couple experiencing differing needs and capacities around sex.
November 8th, 2011 § § permalink
We have invited Jamie Platt, a sex toy expert from TheAdultToyShoppe.com, to give us some of fabulous ideas about vibrators. Here’s the news!
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Ask many women and they will all agree that good sex becomes great sex when you have a little helper at hand. The use of sex toys is becoming more and more popular as couples experience how incredible it feels to share this naughty pleasure.
The first suggestion I always make when a couple is looking for a first-time toy is a bullet vibrator (Celeste & Danielle tell me they also love the Mystic Wand). Many women require both internal and external stimulation to climax, if you have a one of these tiny miracle devices you can engage in your favorite sexual position or your partner can use their hand inside and, simply by holding the bullet over the clitoris during intercourse or manual G-Spot simulation, you can really increase your pleasure and your orgasmic potential. When you make eye contact during the great orgasms you can have playing with your toy, it’s that hot passionate glance that will have you falling into the perfect fantasy reminiscent of an erotica novel!
Sex toys are not limited to a bullet vibrator or a mystic wand however there are many other styles that couples enjoy. The selection available can be quite overwhelming for some first time shoppers and many women fear that their man will be intimidated by bringing a sex toy into their lovemaking. It can be true as some men have a sensitive ego so to prevent this, I suggest that you shop together online for something that appeals to you both.
Before you take the plunge, it’s important to know what you want to bring into the bedroom. If you look at vibrators for example, there are at least a dozen different styles. Read an
adult pleasure product guide from TheAdultToyShop.com to educate yourself on the different styles of sex toys to determine which will best be incorporated into your routine. There are a hundred different styles for a hundred different personality types and if you’re matched with the correct item, sex will never be the same ever again!
They call them “toys” for a reason, it’s for playing with, experimenting and being kinky. Make sure to have a sense of humor and approach it with an open mind because trying new things is a sure fire way to enhance the spark in your relationship and to make sex very memorable.
October 27th, 2011 § § permalink
The article When Monogamy Is a Cop-Out: Why Follow Society’s Rules About Sex? touches on some interesting points about choices we make in our relationships. Aside from the oversimplification around who might be interested in non-monogamy (there’s more to it than that men want to spread their seed and women want to make nests as has been noted in studies of our fellow primates, for example female chimpanzees have sex with multiple partners during ovulation in order to ensure that there will be many fathers interested in caring for their young), we really like this article. Monogamy does seem to be the default for most couples and, when offered the choice of non-monogamy, most people say, “But, does that really ever work?” The truth is, sometimes monogamy works and sometimes it doesn’t (50% of marriages end in divorce) and sometimes open relationships work and sometimes they don’t. As a default, monogamy can lead to resentment, a feeling of being trapped, and a lack of communication around each persons desires. Often those in relationship say nothing to a partner about what they desire, shielding these vulnerabilities behind the ideal of monogamy, instead of asking for what they want so as to avoid their partners fears or disapproval. We encourage everyone – from those in their 50th year in marriage to those dating – to approach monogamy as just one of the items on the menu, not as the only thing possible. It might be what you end up choosing, and then you can feel great about it!
October 25th, 2011 § § permalink
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Dear Celeste and Danielle, it has been a while since I took your workshops and I wanted to let you know that I have had breakthroughs from what I’ve learned directly from you and the path that I have followed since that time has been a result of the two days that I’ve spent with the both of you. You’ll be happy to know that the men’s circle that I run here in LA was tasked with reading your book. Your lessons have exceeded your reach.
The reason I didn’t post this response directly to your blog is because I want to remain anonymous on this because if the people at the meditation center I attend discover this post I might not be so welcome, not because I did anything wrong but because I have asked a teacher about these experiences and he became very uneasy. He stated that this practice should not be used for “sensory games of pleasure” but even as a teacher he was clearly blocked due to his own ego and judgment.
As a practice meditation has been a powerful force in my sexual development. During my first 10 day silent meditation I became acutely aware of my sexual energy. Around the third day I felt what was my normal state of turn-on that was usually restricted to around my lower two chakras and would only last while my mind was engaged in sexual arousal. By day five, every fiber of my being was vibrating with it. I experienced it at a cellular level. It was the most incredible sensation I have ever felt and it only got more intense and was even more beautiful as the days continued on. By day eight it simply WAS. I had no judgment of it and I experienced it as the purest form of love I have ever felt. The water running over my body in the shower caressed my skin. The dirt path beneath my feet came alive as I felt every twig and branch that passed beneath my foot. The simple vegetarian meals that were lovingly prepared for us by the volunteers became magnificent feasts. The smell and juice of a crisp apple had so much complexity it was like smelling a flower and drinking a delicious glass of wine combined.
Besides being a silent meditation the men and women were separated for the practical purposes of the practice. We’d sit together but separate. Men were seated on the right and women on the left in the dharma hall for meditation and instruction. I noticed a strikingly lovely woman on day four as she entered the hall. She had skin like cafe au lait and the body of a dancer. I knew it was a distraction from my practice but I watched as she adjusted her pillows for her morning meditation. She stopped completely. She turned and without hesitation locked eyes with me for the briefest of moments. That moment had me shudder to my core. I was able to maintain the integrity of my practice for the remainder of the course. We are to behave as if we are completely alone or as much as is possible amongst a hundred other practitioners. It makes sense within the context and I was okay with it.
At the closing ceremony we were able to speak with one another and I discovered that I was not alone in my experience of intense sensation. Many of the men were feeling this sensation of turn-on too including a 71 year old doctor from Mumbai India. I had forgotten I had put my name on a ride share list. The woman I had locked eyes with approached me as I enjoyed a cup of tea under a bougainvillea covered awning. She asked me for a ride back to LA with the tiniest of smiles. She had deep soulful eyes that I sensed had seen far too much pain in her young life. I agreed and we met the following morning after we all said our goodbyes and assisted in clean up of the center.
The ride back was the most intense sensual driving experience I have ever had. The warm California breeze was scented in turns by avocado, pears, and even the cattle of the massive feed lots off the 5 freeway. Our conversation was completely open and without guile. I felt no need to be clever nor desire to be impressive. We had entered this deeper subspace where at times even our silences led to the most incredible achingly beautiful sexual tension. Our egos were silent and along for the ride as if they were passengers who fell asleep in the scorching September sun.
On parting we exchanged numbers and said we’d promise to stay in touch. I could feel society’s heal on the back of my neck already. I chalked it up to another too good to be true experience but I wanted to see if there was more available for us both. She beat me to the telephone. The next day she contacted me. She admitted that she was more aloof than she wanted to be when we parted company. Without getting into it her very private reasons for being guarded, I agreed to meet with her.
In the course of our brief relationship I felt an intimacy that was rare in my experience. I felt no desire to perform only a desire to enjoy our what we were doing. Nothing mattered not the heat or any of our perceived physical flaws. All that mattered was her incredible smell, the taste of her, her lips on my neck, the sound of our breath together. Even though societal and egoic interests eventually encroached on us both like an army of ants at a picnic, I have an incredible fondness for her and that moment in time that will never be duplicated but always appreciated. It has changed me as a lover and a man forever.
The body holds such great wisdom. and I wanted to point out to everyone reading this that meditation can be a powerful conduit to deep sensual experiences. It is not just for shaved headed monks behind monastery walls. Maybe this is why those men and women stay committed to monastic life, they want to remain in that profound love space. It is true that societal pressure is unsupportive of this loving sexy space. I however live here amongst you all and will continue to grow and remain connected to you all as best I can. Some days are better than others.
Best regards and thanks for all you do,
Anonymous
PS; another woman I have ride shared with admitted to me on our drive back that she could hear all the women in her dormitory room quietly masturbating nightly by the end of day three of the practice. :)
October 18th, 2011 § § permalink
An Orgasm is Good For You! As if there was not enough reasons to give yourself (many!) orgasms, now there’s a few more. Lower tension and blood pressure, better sleep, and even less cravings and addictive behaviors. This article does have some slightly inaccurate info on non-clitoral orgasms, and the differences in feelings that come from clitoral vs. G-Spot orgasms – to be clear, even when you are having both your clitoris and G-spot stimulated at the same time, you can generally tell whether your orgasm is more centered in the clitoris or G-Spot, because you can feel where the sensation originates (externally vs. internally). Also, clitoral orgasms generally feel like a building of centralized tension followed by a release, while G-Spot orgasms usually feel more like waves spreading throughout the whole body (and often through the throat which is why they can be quite loud). Science may be able to identify what a particular orgasm does or it’s mechanism for progressing, but ultimately, you know what feels good to your body. We encourage you to explore your body, do what feels good, and do your own research — not just into your orgasm, but into all the ways you feel pleasure!
October 13th, 2011 § § permalink
We love involving more and more of the whole body in a sexual experience, as this article suggests, and when you engage your senses everywhere you go, like can be one big sexy adventure. Embodiment through sensual engagement is not just a foundation for the work that we do in sessions, but ultimately for everything we do out in the world. Eating ice cream or watching leaves ripple on a tree on a windy day can be extremely arousing and sexy, especially when you allow all of your senses to feed into and connect with your sexual desire.
October 11th, 2011 § § permalink
Cory Silverberg’s fantastic article combats more than just fatigue, it is for anyone where sex has waned in their relationship. Acknowledgment, acceptance, focusing on sex beyond just intercourse, and focusing on desire are all things we champion as Somatica practitioners and we’re really happy to see them here. Embodiment is not just for times when you are at your peak – it is something to experience all the time, staying connected with yourself, acknowledging what you are capable of, and communicating your feelings, desires and capacities with your partner.
October 4th, 2011 § § permalink
As all good things must come to an end, here is the final excerpt of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”. Chapter 9 is about sensuality, sexual connection, and slowing things down. If you enjoyed these small teasers of our book you can find the full version here. Enjoy!
— Quality 9 – Sensuality —
Sensuality is an approach to sexual connection that utilizes all the senses: sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing. Sensuality is indicated by a willingness to go slow, give varied touch, and enjoy the stimulation of all of your and your partner’s senses in a sexual experience. It is predicated on the ability to focus on each delectable moment of a sexual interaction and to let go of orgasm as the only or ultimate goal of sex. When women describe their best sexual experiences, they almost always express detailed descriptions of sensual acts such as kissing, touching or being looked at with desire. When you bring sensuality to a woman, you are catering to her body’s longings.
Women’s capacity for pleasure and orgasms is endless. While this sounds very promising, these possibilities can bring up performance anxiety for many women who worry that they need to have every type of orgasm and be able to ejaculate, etc. Women also fear that they take too long; while men are often trying to hold off on their orgasms as long as possible, women are generally rushing to the finish.
Women worry that men won’t appreciate them as sexual partners if they don’t have orgasms the way they think men want them to (i.e., during intercourse or without a vibrator) or quickly enough. Throughout history women suffered from sexual oppression and limitation around their orgasms; they were told that something was wrong with them if they couldn’t have what Freud referred to as “vaginal orgasms” and that clitoral orgasms were “immature.” We invite you to celebrate women for their full potential without putting pressure on them to prove that they can do it all. The pressure merely leads to women faking orgasms, making it even less likely that you learn how to give her pleasure and orgasm. You can support your partner by letting go of the hierarchy of orgasms and appreciating orgasms however and whenever they come in a sexual experience, as well as allowing women to have their choice around orgasm, since some women might not want to orgasm every time they have sex.
The three major types of orgasms – clitoral, G-Spot and cervical – each travel across a different set of nerves and therefore create a different sensation in the body. This also means that women can have combination orgasms, where two or three of the neuropathways are being activated. Next, we will explore how you can best help her reach each of these different types of orgasm…
September 21st, 2011 § § permalink
As Somatica practitioners, we applaud this note on how foreplay, touch and nudity all tie into body image and great sex.
The only gripe we have is that we don’t love the separation between “foreplay” and sex – foreplay is some of the best sex folks have because it helps with arousal, connection, intimacy and trust, and is often where women have the majority of their orgasms. When you take the time to touch your partner, your message in that touch is “I desire you” and they receive the message “I am desirable”. Sensual and sexual touch (whether passionately firm and hard or romantically slow and soft) delivers a message of desire and body image issues can be softened with an embodied “letting in” of your partner’s loving, desiring touch on your naked body.
September 16th, 2011 § § permalink
Reading this Nerve.com article on the Five Reasons We’re Having Better Sex Than Our Parents we got to thinking about this generation’s sex life compared to ours, our parents’ or even grandparents’. We are hoping twenty-somethings haven’t faced the same kind of sexual double standards (which harm both men’s and women’s sexual self-expression) that most of us faced growing up and that they have a chance to explore more openly with less guilt and shame. To these five reasons, we would add that there is infinitely more information available out there online and in the book stores to help people learn more about who they are sexually. We also believe that people are now taking account of the importance of sexual communication and compatibility when making choices about who to date and marry. What would you add to the list?
We got this in response to our 
