Exposed

Women – your libido is tied to shifts in hormones and energy throughout your day, throughout your monthly cycle and throughout your lifetime. In contrast to men, who generally experience a build-up of sexual energy when they have not had sex for a while, and a lowering when they do have sex, your libido is likely to fluctuate more based on your hormonal changes and changes in your energy level throughout your day. Libido is also heightened when sexual experiences have been recent (as opposed to a distant and fading memory). To put your hormonal changes simply, overall your libido-supporting hormones go down throughout your lifetime – in the big picture women in their 40s are less hormonally horny than women in their 20s. That being said, each month, as long as your are not on a hormonal form of birth control, your hormones experience a peak during ovulation and menstruation and these are often when your libido will be at its highest. You can begin noticing when you have peaks in your desire and track these throughout the month. If you have children, you will likely (or likely did), have an experience of heightened libido during your pregnancy and then lowered libido afterward due to hormonal fluctuations. Since rest has a huge impact on libido, getting enough sleep and choosing to have sex in the morning, afternoon or early evening (whenever your energy level is the highest), can do miracles to your sexual desire and response (and also partially explains why women have lowered libido after childbirth – very little rest, and keeping sex to the end of the day when the kids are in bed!). Finally, in menopause, your sexual hormones drop and stay quite low throughout the month.

As we mentioned above, when you go long stretches of time without sex, your body tends to “forget” what you liked about sex in the first place, and often, once you have sex more regularly, you end up wanting it more. There is one caveat to this, it has to be GOOD SEX or else, as your hormonal desire for sex drops, you will be less and less interested. We have this myth in our culture, that our partners are just supposed to know what we want and be able to provide it without us having to ask, however, since your body, your hormones , your orgasms and your needs to be touched change throughout time, it is essential to teach your partner and continue to communicate with your partner what you need in order to feel turned on. As we have lower and lower hormonal support for our arousal, seduction, fantasy, creativity and communication become more and more essential to keep us interested in sex.

We cannot emphasize enough the importance of seduction and how questions from our partners like, “are you horny,” or “do you want to have sex now” are NOT SEDUCTIONS. Research has shown that women often not interested in sex until they are already somewhat aroused, this means that your partner needs to know how to arouse your body instead of asking you if you want sex because you won’t want it until you are already somewhat aroused.

Here are some important tips to take away:

1) Get as much rest as possible – naps can be hugely rejuvenating

2) Look for times to have sex when you feel the most physiologically aroused – this may mean you will have to initiate sex, which many women are not used to doing (we will talk more about this in our next segment on social messages and libido)

3) When thinking about how your partner can seduce you better, don’t only tell them how to touch you, teach them how to look at you, how to talk to you, what kinds of fantasies most turn you on (so they can tell them to you or you can act them out), and how they can help make sure you get enough rest. If you need more ideas about what is on the menu, check out the second half of our book, COCKFIDENCE.

4) Try to find a birth control method with the least hormonal impact

5) If you are one of those SUPER BUSY WOMEN, make sex dates with your partner or yourself, where you set aside time for intimacy and sexual connection. To those who complain that this will not be spontaneous, we say, there is plenty of time for spontaneity once you get to the date and making the time doesn’t mean you have to have sex – just that you do something that helps you connect to your own body and your partner in a sensual or intimate way.

6) Start tracking your menstrual cycle, keeping an eye on when you have peaks in your arousal and initiate sex during these times or any time you think you might be in the mood

In the next couple of blogs, we will tell you more of the reasons why you may have low libido and how you can change it! Also, we would love to hear your experiences and welcome comments and questions – so feel free to leave comments bellow.

“Disaster Recovery in the Bedroom: Staying sexy through ED and vaginal dryness” is a Psychology Today article that recently caught our attention. There are a few good suggestions in this article but what we REALLY liked about it was that it normalizes the fact that our bodies change throughout our life, and that sex can’t always just be “spontaneous” or work “the way it used to.”

There are ways to learn how to be connected and sexual with each other that focus on learning what is pleasurable for your body NOW and what your body is capable of NOW instead of wishing it could all be like it used to be. The acceptance of this is what creates the possibility for a long-term, satisfying sex life!

Read full article here.

Studies have shown that the number one sexual complaint of women across the U.S. is low sexual desire (low libido). For the next few posts, we will present the main reasons why women suffer from low libido and give some ideas on how women can help themselves and gain the help of their partners in increasing their desire for and enjoyment of sex.

In this series, we will go over the psychological, interpersonal and social reasons why women suffer from low libido. In addition to these, there are some lifestyle choices, medications and illnesses that can cause low libido in women so, if you are not feeling satisfied with your level of sexual desire, it may be important to take a look at these possible factors as well. For example, anti-depressants can lower desire and can also impede orgasm (which can, in turn decrease the desire for sex), Hormonal forms of birth control (such as the pill) can decrease libido as can alcohol and drug use. Fatigue and very low weight (caused by eating or exercising disorders) can also effect women desire for sex. Rest, eating healthy, regular exercise and avoiding excessive drinking are all extremely helpful and basic to desire, however there is so much more that effects women’s desire and there are some great, natural ways that women, along with the help of their partners, can feel more turned on, more sexual and more desirous of sex.

Over the next few posts we are going to talk about the ways that women become distanced from their desire, the myths and incorrect assumptions about what turns women on and the pathway back to healthy and satisfying levels of sexual desire. You will find out what is in sex for you and how you can create it in your life and your partnerships.

Since you are reading this right now, why not begin with a short exercise. Take a moment to think about your best sexual experience or your hottest fantasy and write it down. If you are drawing a blank, simply write down what you feel when you are asked to think about these things – what emotions arise, what thoughts, what images. In the upcoming posts, we will talk more about why you have the fantasies you do, how to get them, and why so many women draw a blank when it comes to knowing what they want…

We have been so busy preparing to shoot some videos for the website so that you can get a peak into what goes on in a Somatica Session, that we haven’t had time to write last week’s blog post. However, we invite you to keep your eye in the upcoming weeks for a series on Women’s Libido (challenges and how to heighten it) and women’s version of performance anxiety, as well as an exposé on how “keeping sex alive in long-term relationships” might seem a little counter-intuitive.

By the way, we love all of your comments and would also be happy to hear any questions you have that we could address in Exposed.

Happy Summer!

Celeste & Danielle

We are already on chapter 3 of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”. Confidence is the third of nine qualities for men to possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.

— Chapter 3 – Confidence —

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

Today we take a look at the second of the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  That second quality is Acceptance and that is the subject of the 2nd chapter of our book Cockfidence.

Let us know what you think in the comments below and tell us; how are some of the ways you practice “Acceptance” in your daily life?

— Chapter 2 – Acceptance —

Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those aspects of the person you enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesn’t mean going along with things that don’t work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and your boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear requests and non-defensive boundaries, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. Being a truly Cockfident man and an Extraordinary Lover to women takes a tremendous amount of acceptance of yourself, your partner, and the people who are part of your life. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know, at the most basic level, that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and finding out what “good enough” means. Finally, it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up to your fantasies or desires.

Recent research on men has shown that men actually have much stronger immediate emotional reactions than women. Also they successfully quell their emotions and move into thinking, figuring out, and fixing much more quickly than women.

The lack of freedom that men have in regard to acknowledging and listening to their emotions leads men to think that they are making rational decisions, when they are often unconsciously making emotional decisions or making decisions that discount their emotional needs completely. When you ignore your emotions they are relegated to the unconscious; when you are unconscious your emotions can control your behaviors without you having any understanding of what is driving you. On the other hand, if you discount your emotional needs in service of making rational decisions, you end up living a life that seems “right” but doesn’t feel good.

It’s vacation time again and you may be feeling the desire for a vacation or a staycation, where you can relax and enjoy your home and let the vacation come to you. Either way, we would like to offer you a couple’s retreat full of playfulness, passion and connection. Many couples take vacations hoping to spice up their sex life, and they often end up having a week or so of heightened connection or more frequent sex and then return home and go right back to business as usual (which often means sex and intimacy go back to the bottom of a long to-do list). Lasting relationship transformation requires that you learn and experience something new on your couple’s retreat so that sensuality and seduction become part of your everyday life!

We can help! Whether you are looking to create more intimacy and intensity in your relationship, experience new and expanded sensual and sexual experiences, learn more loving forms of communication or change relationship patterns to make way for stronger connections, a Passionate Vacation or Staycation will create lasting transformation your sex life and your relationship and you can have tons of fun on the journey. Over the course of a week or weekend – a minimum of 3 days is preferable – one of us will spend ten hours with you and your partner – we will start by talking about who you are and about your desires together and then we will embark on a special, experiential couple’s vacation created just for the two of you. You can come stay in the beautiful and romantic city of San Francisco with its stunning architecture, booming night life and tantalizing world cuisine, or invite one of us to join you in some other part of the country or the world.

Finally, if you want to stay in and create something on your own, you can bring the feeling of a vacation at home and create a “stay”cation. Here are some ideas to try, and we hope you’ll put your own unique twist on them based on what you and your partner love to do.

• Spa Vacation – Draw a bubble bath and set a glass of some exotic fruit drink with a lemon on the rim beside it. Lay towels down on one side of the bed (if you don’t have a massage table) and get some lavender massage oil. Take turns giving each other sensual massage.
• Camping Trip – If you have a backyard, pitch a tent in it, just make sure you have a nice, thick foam mattress to put on ground if you want anything really hot to happen. Or make a good, old-fashioned fort in your living room and have a sexy movie night.
• Paris, Goa or Puerto Vallarta – Get take-out from one of your favorite foreign restaurants and set the table and the mood accordingly with local music (try Pandora), some slow, sexy dancing. Feed each other while you whisper sexy words to your partner (je t’aime, hum tumhe pyar karte hae, te quiero). For a complete list of how to say I love you in different languages, click here.

So tell us, how do you take the time to create sex retreats and intimate vacations for yourself throughout the year? What was your sexiest vacation or staycation? Let us know in the comments below. You never know, you might just inspire someone to have the hottest sex ever!!

In our book Cockfidence, we help men learn the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  Presence is the first quality and the first chapter:

—– Chapter 1 – Presence —–

If you spend your entire life in your head planning and worrying about the future or reliving or regretting the past, then you don’t get the chance to know who you really are and what you really want. You also don’t get to experience the deeper connections that are possible from sex and relationships.

Another option is to live an embodied life where you are present in the moment. Living an embodied life means being connected to your senses and your emotions in the present moment. When you tune into each of your senses and feel what is happening in your body, you appreciate the fullness and satisfaction of every experience you have. Living in your body also means being aware of and making space for your emotions. While, for some, emotions feel extraneous, emotions are biologically essential for people’s survival. As social animals, humans need emotions to know what we need and communicate those needs with others. When you allow emotions to move through you instead of trying to stop them or figure them out they flow smoothly and dissolve, leaving you with a sense of lightness and freedom.

Sex, at the most basic level, is an act of physical connection, creation and creativity. Anything that takes you out of your normal, habitual daily behaviors, requires you to make physical connections and increases your creativity creates new pathways between your brain and your body that can then be strengthened and expanded upon. You may also feel this way after any activity that takes you out of your logical brain and brings you to your body and your creative force.

We recently launched our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”, a straightforward guide that will show you how to attract sexual desire from women and bring them to the heights of their erotic and orgasmic potential. You will find your personal power, clarify who you are and what you want in your life, and have mind-blowing sex and passionate connections with women.

For the next few weeks we will post excerpts of our book here.  We are convinced you will enjoy this preview so much that you will order your own copy!

Enjoy week one!

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INTRODUCTION

In our practice, we meet men who want to be themselves and understand what women want sexually and interpersonally. We have so much compassion for men; men and women are very different and it can be very confusing to try to figure out what women want. In the process of connecting with women, there are many stumbling blocks that may pull you out of your center. These include hiding your sexual desire for fear of rejection; misunderstanding women, their emotions and their desires; or fearing that connecting with a woman in any way means making a commitment, even if you aren’t ready.

There is an art to becoming the kind of man who claims his own desires and satisfies a woman’s deepest longings. This book teaches you the secret connection between stepping into your power and igniting a woman’s desire. The secret is found in your connection with your sexual energy and we call this connection Cockfidence.

This book is for all men whether single, dating, in a relationship or married; it also for all women who want to support the men in their lives and learn about their own sexuality. For a man who is single or dating, Cockfidence means you approach women with ease and playfulness and attract them with sincerity, not deception. You are also confident in your sexual desire and know you’ve got what it takes to please them sexually. For men in a new relationship, Cockfidence means knowing your partner wants you. You also know how to create a safe space where your partner can open up to you and give all of herself, sexually and emotionally. For men in long-term relationship or married men, Cockfidence means that, once the honeymoon period is over and the hormones are fading, you know how to keep seduction and creativity alive. You also leave room for growth and change in your sex life and your relationship. Finally, this book is for women who want to better understand themselves and their partner and support him in growing his Cockfidence.

The relationship between your power and freedom and women’s sexual desire (and her own freedom and power) is complex. There are no books or experts out there who lay it all out in one place. There are pieces about how to be a good technical lover and how to pick up and bed women, and some even touch on long-term relationships with women. Others cover masculine power or uncovering the mystery of women, but no book has brought all of these aspects together in one short, straight-forward and practical manual. Until now.

In this last installment of our series on ED, we want to add that there are times when ED is actually a functional response to a dysfunctional situation. In other words, in cases of situational ED, it may be that your penis is actually giving you the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain. For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her). Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive, but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:

1) Identify your Feelings: you might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how thing are going.

2) Identify your Needs: you might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.

3) Identify your Boundaries: you might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.

4) Break the Silence: you might consider reading the books Cockfidence and Non-violent Communication in order to help you with identifying and sharing your feelings, needs and boundaries in a way that is most likely to be heard. You may even want to read these books together with your partner. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence. Feel free to send us an email, give us a call at (415) 336-3258 or get in touch with a therapist in your area. When shopping for a therapist, see if you can find anyone who has a somatic (body-based) or mindfulness-based approach and be picky. Make sure you feel good with whoever you work with.

In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!

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If you missed the previous posts in this series on treating Psychological Erectile Dysfunction, you can find them here:

- Post 1: 3 Causes of Psychological Erectile Dysfunction (ED) – and How To Heal Them Without Drugs

- Post 2: Fix Erectile Dysfunction (ED) By Overcoming Performance Anxiety

- Post 3: Erectile Dysfunction – Could there be such a thing as too much impulse control?