Exposed

Reading this Nerve.com article on the Five Reasons We’re Having Better Sex Than Our Parents we got to thinking about this generation’s sex life compared to ours, our parents’ or even grandparents’.  We are hoping twenty-somethings haven’t faced the same kind of sexual double standards (which harm both men’s and women’s sexual self-expression) that most of us faced growing up and that they have a chance to explore more openly with less guilt and shame. To these five reasons, we would add that there is infinitely more information available out there online and in the book stores to help people learn more about who they are sexually. We also believe that people are now taking account of the importance of sexual communication and compatibility when making choices about who to date and marry. What would you add to the list?

In this latest except of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”, we explore Empathy, the 6th quality necessary to being an extraordinary lover.

— Quality 6 – Empathy —

Emotional connection, also known as “intimacy,” is one of the most common desires that women have in relationship. And, while both men and women are deeply emotional creatures, men get very strong cultural messages about repressing their emotions. Women are generally given more permission for expression.

Because men are taught to repress their emotions, they have less experience dealing with outward displays of emotion and are often overwhelmed in the face of a partner’s tears or anger – particularly if they feel like they are responsible for the upset.

Women are much less likely to separate emotions into “positive” and “negative” the way that men do, which is why women might talk about having a “good cry,” a phrase which may sound to you like an oxymoron. Women generally have a feeling of release or being cleaned out and opened up when they are able to express their emotions, especially when they feel seen, heard and understood. Emotions are not a problem to be fixed and the fact that a woman you are with has emotions does not mean that she is broken nor does it mean that you did something wrong.

Emotions are a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust. When emotions do bubble up, it is often a sign that a woman’s feelings for you are deepening. The fact that she feels safe enough to let them out is a sign that she trusts that you can handle her. Each time your partner is upset it is actually an opportunity for you to feel confident, for her to feel listened to and for the two of you to get closer.

The payoff is that a woman who has released her feelings of frustration or resentment and who has been listened to often moves to a space of softness and receptivity in her body. When she lets out the emotional blocks in her body, she is more able to fully let you in and to allow her sexual energy to move freely in her own body and between the two of you.

In this section, we explain how to be with a woman when she is expressing her emotions. This is one of the most important skills you need to increase your ability to have better sex and close relationships with women.

We came across this article on men and cuddling some time ago and thought we would share it with you.

While the information in the article is a bit confusing and there is some misinformation (about women’s sexual peak for example), we love the finding that men become avid cuddlers and women become more sex driven in older age so we’d thought we’d share it with you. It is a great reminder that we need all kinds of touch and connection in our relationships and keeping connection through caresses, kisses, hugs, cuddles and sex increases couples overall happiness.

Most people avoid difficult topics when dating, instead trying to market themselves like a product and sharing only information that makes them seem interesting, fun, sexy or sweet. We have worked with so many folks out in the dating world who feel a sense of extreme pressure not to show any of their challenges and a feeling that they are not being fully themselves or honest out in the dating world, making dating less than fun. Some folks, however, don’t have the choice of waiting to share about difficult topics. For example, it is important to share with a partner if you have an STD like herpes or a mental health issue such as depression and you can’t easily hide it if you are dealing with erectile dysfunction. We suggest that you don’t avoid difficult topics when dating. This is not to say that you spend your whole first dinner talking about everything that is wrong with you, we just suggest that, instead of marketing yourself like a product, and hoping you will get chosen, remember that everyone has problems or issues of their own and, by brining yours up, you are increasing your chances for intimacy and a foundation of honesty if you decide to move into a relationship. When thinking about bringing up your own challenges, remember that you are not alone – whoever you are dating has problems and issues of their own, whether or not they are apparent in your first few months of dating. Their problems may be different from yours or similar, but when you bring up your own personal challenges, you invite others more deeply into your world increasing and give them the opportunity to share their own challenges with you. If you find that someone still wants to pretend that they are perfect once you start revealing your feelings and experiences, this, in and of itself can be a red flag, because it is quite difficult to date someone who is unable to admit that they have any of their own fears, hurts or challenges. When sharing about any challenges, we encourage you to share you feelings and experiences instead of just the labels. If we stay with the depression example, instead of saying, “I’m depressed or I’m on anti-depressants,” try sharing what it feels like. For example, you might say, “I am dealing with depression, which means that sometimes I go through cycles where I am sad for a while or I don’t feel like getting out of bed” or “Throughout my life, I’ve had periods of depression, I’m taking anti-depressants now and they help a lot but I still go through times when things effect me more than others.” You might also tell whomever you are with what how you’d like them to respond when your challenge arises and reassure them that you are not going to blame them. In the case of depression, you might say, for example, that you’d like to be able to share your feelings during these times without the person you are seeing feeling like he or she has to do anything about it or fix it. Or, in the case of erectile dysfunction, you might share feelings like, “It is definitely frustrating sometimes, but when I focus on connecting with you I feel much more relaxed and still can get a lot of enjoyment out of it.” You might also let them know that it doesn’t mean that you aren’t attracted to them. In short, we encourage people to allow intimacy to unfold by sharing all the different side of who you are and making room for other’s humanness as well!!!

Since we’ve been on the topic of women’s libido, we thought we’d offer Jenny Block’s list of 7 reasons why sex isn’t on women’s radar. It’s a great list though her conclusion that people just need to talk about it may not be enough. Unfortunately sex is a language that we, as a culture, don’t have a huge vocabulary for. Sometimes you need the help of a book (such as Cockfidence or one of the many books we have on our resource list), a video, a coach or a therapist. Get yourself informed, get some support, communicate your needs and start practicing!

Here is one more chapter except of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”.

— Quality 5 – Passion —

To really excite and intrigue any woman, you need to be passionate about more than just her; you need to begin to look at your whole life through passionate eyes. If you are currently living your life based on what you should do instead of what interests or intrigues you, it is time to find your own path that excites and inspires you, and to support the women in your life in finding their passion too. It is possible to bring passion into every part of your life, and a Cockfident man feels passion for his work flowing into passion for his hobbies, flowing into passion for his partner.

Live a Life of Passion

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? As a boy, there were probably many activities and topics you were passionate about and we hope there still are. If, in the time it took to read this last paragraph about passion, you haven’t already identified three things you are passionate about (not including your partner if you have one), then it is time for you to reacquaint yourself with your passionate side. Your sense of freedom and power rests on your ability to enjoy your own life and give your gift to the world. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is willing to follow through with what they truly believe. Notice if you are judging any of your passions as trivial or discounting them. Notice whose voices are in your head naysaying or criticizing. Just for a moment, see if you can suspend the judgmental voice and remember what you are passionate about. You might also think about how your family of origin responded to ideas or desires that inspired you and how they communicated their expectations.

Take some time to ponder or write on the following questions:

• What is a topic that you could talk about for hours without tiring?
• What activities do you do that make you feel more like yourself?
• What are things that you do for your friends or family that make you feel most proud and content?
• What ideas and experiences grab your interest and make your heart beat faster?

Now check what percentage of your life is spent in the pursuit of these activities, ideas and experiences. Is it enough? Only you know the answer to this question, only you can decide what you want your life to look like, and only you can know the right way to live your life.

TwoOfUs.org recently posted about how our insecurities can affect our relationships. We love this article because it points to one of the most important things that relationships offer us if we are willing to take a good look at ourselves (as opposed to searching outside of ourselves for answers).

Relationships are like an amazing stew where you mix together two people’s personal histories, family histories, strengths, weaknesses, inspirations and insecurities and you never know what is going to come out. As this article points out, this stew might sometimes bring to light our personal insecurities and paranoia, but they may also bring to light other hot buttons (like fear of not doing things right, or anger about how we were treated in the past). Usually, when these things are triggered, we chase after our partner, trying to get them to make us feel better or taking out our anger on them or we avoid certain kind of interactions with our partners (for fear of doing something wrong). It takes a willingness to look at yourself honestly and take responsibility for your own growth – if you do, there are HUGE POTENTIAL PAY OFFS, like healing from past hurts, breaking habits that no longer serve you, realizing there are choices you never thought of and creating relationship that actually meet your needs. The first step is simply admitting that you aren’t perfect and then looking at what riles you up…

We’d love to hear what’s cooking for you and would be happy to help! Feel free to post some comments/questions here!

These days, finding balance between work and partnership is the tip of the iceberg, there are also friends, family (kids if you have them), personal errand and responsibilities, etc. Being over-busy is the scourge of our time, and relationships, and especially relaxed, spacious time to savor intimacy, connection and sex seems to be the biggest loser across the board. We find that many people (especially with our protestant work ethic), think of pleasure as something extraneous that rarely makes the to-do list or the calendar.

We believe that, even if you love your work, taking downtime, and sharing intimacy and sex (and all the lovely hormones that are released when we do so), is essential to our overall health and well-being, as well as the health of our relationships. Much research is now showing that stress is the root of our body losing it’s ability to do the things it needs to in order to maintain our health and is thus the root cause of many of the illnesses we face. Relaxed connection, savoring, loving and sensual touch – all of these are the prevention and essential to the cure! We wish, instead of work ethic, we had an ethic of pleasure in this culture, where everyone was encouraged to create as much pleasure and joy in their lives and in the lives of others as possible. It would be a better world, full of healthier, happier people and relationships. Here’s a tip – put pleasure at the top of your to do list and set aside at least one hour a day for things that make you feel relaxed, happy and connected!

It’s been a little while since we posted a chapter except of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”.  Did you miss it?  Are you dying to find out what the fourth quality of an extraordinary lover is? I bet you are.  Well with no further ado here is is

— Quality  4 – Generosity —

Growing up, many boys saw their parents and other close adults, filled with pressure and an expectation to provide, give to their families out of obligation. Fathers stayed in tedious jobs they hated and dealt with their partner’s and children’s needs because that was what they were “supposed” to do. Mothers gave up their dreams and desires and did everything for the sake of their children. These role models generally ranged from resigned to resentful and angry. They were certainly neither free nor powerful.

Boys who grew up with the message that they were supposed to put their own needs, feelings, goals and desires aside in the name of obligation often turn into men who give from a place of obligation. They slowly, and often unconsciously, build resentment and frustration along the way. As they continue along the path of obligation, these men begin to feel deprived and unfulfilled.

At the same time, many men experience a feeling of scarcity around women; they are afraid that women only want them for what they can give or they fear they will never find another woman if they lose the one they have. In the face of this perceived scarcity, they attempt to maintain the relationship by giving or doing things that they don’t want to do. When you are giving out of scarcity and obligation you lose true generosity. Worse, this kind of giving often leads to resentment. When you stay true to your own goals and desires and give from love instead of obligation, you are free, powerful and emotionally available to your partner because you are being who you really are. This is why it is essential to learn how to give out of generosity.

There is an easy way to tell that you are giving from a place of generosity as opposed to obligation. When you are in the act of giving, breathe deeply and tune in to what it feels like in your body in the moment. If you are feeling light and excited during the experience, then you know you are giving from generosity; if you feel a sense of heaviness, exhaustion or frustration, you are giving out of obligation.

The tricky part about giving out of obligation is that it can seem like it feels good because you can get a lot of positive reinforcement. For example, working at a job you hate day in and day out may get you consistent appreciation from your partner, but the actual sensations that you have during the hours and hours you spend at work are oppressive and painful. Over time, your life gets more and more unbearable as you feel less and less freedom to live your life the way that you want to. The same can happen in your sex life. Being an Extraodinary Lover and a Cockfident man means listening to your body as you give.

Women – your libido is tied to shifts in hormones and energy throughout your day, throughout your monthly cycle and throughout your lifetime. In contrast to men, who generally experience a build-up of sexual energy when they have not had sex for a while, and a lowering when they do have sex, your libido is likely to fluctuate more based on your hormonal changes and changes in your energy level throughout your day. Libido is also heightened when sexual experiences have been recent (as opposed to a distant and fading memory). To put your hormonal changes simply, overall your libido-supporting hormones go down throughout your lifetime – in the big picture women in their 40s are less hormonally horny than women in their 20s. That being said, each month, as long as your are not on a hormonal form of birth control, your hormones experience a peak during ovulation and menstruation and these are often when your libido will be at its highest. You can begin noticing when you have peaks in your desire and track these throughout the month. If you have children, you will likely (or likely did), have an experience of heightened libido during your pregnancy and then lowered libido afterward due to hormonal fluctuations. Since rest has a huge impact on libido, getting enough sleep and choosing to have sex in the morning, afternoon or early evening (whenever your energy level is the highest), can do miracles to your sexual desire and response (and also partially explains why women have lowered libido after childbirth – very little rest, and keeping sex to the end of the day when the kids are in bed!). Finally, in menopause, your sexual hormones drop and stay quite low throughout the month.

As we mentioned above, when you go long stretches of time without sex, your body tends to “forget” what you liked about sex in the first place, and often, once you have sex more regularly, you end up wanting it more. There is one caveat to this, it has to be GOOD SEX or else, as your hormonal desire for sex drops, you will be less and less interested. We have this myth in our culture, that our partners are just supposed to know what we want and be able to provide it without us having to ask, however, since your body, your hormones , your orgasms and your needs to be touched change throughout time, it is essential to teach your partner and continue to communicate with your partner what you need in order to feel turned on. As we have lower and lower hormonal support for our arousal, seduction, fantasy, creativity and communication become more and more essential to keep us interested in sex.

We cannot emphasize enough the importance of seduction and how questions from our partners like, “are you horny,” or “do you want to have sex now” are NOT SEDUCTIONS. Research has shown that women often not interested in sex until they are already somewhat aroused, this means that your partner needs to know how to arouse your body instead of asking you if you want sex because you won’t want it until you are already somewhat aroused.

Here are some important tips to take away:

1) Get as much rest as possible – naps can be hugely rejuvenating

2) Look for times to have sex when you feel the most physiologically aroused – this may mean you will have to initiate sex, which many women are not used to doing (we will talk more about this in our next segment on social messages and libido)

3) When thinking about how your partner can seduce you better, don’t only tell them how to touch you, teach them how to look at you, how to talk to you, what kinds of fantasies most turn you on (so they can tell them to you or you can act them out), and how they can help make sure you get enough rest. If you need more ideas about what is on the menu, check out the second half of our book, COCKFIDENCE.

4) Try to find a birth control method with the least hormonal impact

5) If you are one of those SUPER BUSY WOMEN, make sex dates with your partner or yourself, where you set aside time for intimacy and sexual connection. To those who complain that this will not be spontaneous, we say, there is plenty of time for spontaneity once you get to the date and making the time doesn’t mean you have to have sex – just that you do something that helps you connect to your own body and your partner in a sensual or intimate way.

6) Start tracking your menstrual cycle, keeping an eye on when you have peaks in your arousal and initiate sex during these times or any time you think you might be in the mood

In the next couple of blogs, we will tell you more of the reasons why you may have low libido and how you can change it! Also, we would love to hear your experiences and welcome comments and questions – so feel free to leave comments bellow.