Exposed

Studies have shown that the number one sexual complaint of women across the U.S. is low sexual desire (low libido). For the next few posts, we will present the main reasons why women suffer from low libido and give some ideas on how women can help themselves and gain the help of their partners in increasing their desire for and enjoyment of sex.

In this series, we will go over the psychological, interpersonal and social reasons why women suffer from low libido. In addition to these, there are some lifestyle choices, medications and illnesses that can cause low libido in women so, if you are not feeling satisfied with your level of sexual desire, it may be important to take a look at these possible factors as well. For example, anti-depressants can lower desire and can also impede orgasm (which can, in turn decrease the desire for sex), Hormonal forms of birth control (such as the pill) can decrease libido as can alcohol and drug use. Fatigue and very low weight (caused by eating or exercising disorders) can also effect women desire for sex. Rest, eating healthy, regular exercise and avoiding excessive drinking are all extremely helpful and basic to desire, however there is so much more that effects women’s desire and there are some great, natural ways that women, along with the help of their partners, can feel more turned on, more sexual and more desirous of sex.

Over the next few posts we are going to talk about the ways that women become distanced from their desire, the myths and incorrect assumptions about what turns women on and the pathway back to healthy and satisfying levels of sexual desire. You will find out what is in sex for you and how you can create it in your life and your partnerships.

Since you are reading this right now, why not begin with a short exercise. Take a moment to think about your best sexual experience or your hottest fantasy and write it down. If you are drawing a blank, simply write down what you feel when you are asked to think about these things – what emotions arise, what thoughts, what images. In the upcoming posts, we will talk more about why you have the fantasies you do, how to get them, and why so many women draw a blank when it comes to knowing what they want…

We are already on chapter 3 of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”. Confidence is the third of nine qualities for men to possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.

— Chapter 3 – Confidence —

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

A news article titled “Are There Really 40 Year Old Virgins?” caught our attention recently. We are so happy about the appearance of this article in Psychology Today. We have worked with many virgins to help them overcome shyness or fear around intimacy so that they can approach potential partners and initiate conversations and intimacy. For men in particular, who are expected to be the initiators of sex, practicing first with a professional can be extremely helpful. While we are not surrogate partners, the work we do is very experiential and, unlike surrogates, we focus on the chemistry of attraction, helping folks move beyond technique to seduction as as well as displays of desire and passion. Often, after men have worked with us, they decide to keep their virginity private and the women they sleep with have no clue. One of the virgins we worked with had a partner who said, “You dangerous, bad man” when he was seducing her for the first time. She thought he was some kind of player, his approach was so good :-)

We have also worked with women virgins to help them feel safe and open with their sexuality, to overcome shyness and to communicate their needs directly with potential partners. Another big issue that women face is lack of orgasm. Many women lose their virginity but are still orgasmically virgins. We love to help women learn how to have their first orgasm, to orgasm with a partner (if they can only do it through masturbation) or to expand their orgasmic potential to multiple orgasms or G-Spot orgasms. We have both female and male colleagues so that folks can work with whatever gender person feels right for them, depending on their sexual identity and sense of safety. It’s great to see this topic being discussed in a mass distribution publication like Psychology Today and we hope that all the virgins and orgasmic virgins out there feel inspired to get the help they need.

So tell us, have you had the experience of having sex with and “older” virgin? What was it like knowing you were helping this person transition into non-virginity?

Today we take a look at the second of the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  That second quality is Acceptance and that is the subject of the 2nd chapter of our book Cockfidence.

Let us know what you think in the comments below and tell us; how are some of the ways you practice “Acceptance” in your daily life?

— Chapter 2 – Acceptance —

Acceptance means having relationships with others where you celebrate those aspects of the person you enjoy and desire and realizing that there is nothing you can do to change the parts that make you uncomfortable or upset. The way people change is when they are personally inspired for their own reasons to do so. Acceptance is not the same as settling. To accept your partner exactly as she is doesn’t mean going along with things that don’t work for you. The solution is not to change her but to express your needs and your boundaries. When you can do this with love and acceptance, you give her the safety of discovering herself and what she is capable of. With clear requests and non-defensive boundaries, you can take care of yourself and open doors for her to do the same. Being a truly Cockfident man and an Extraordinary Lover to women takes a tremendous amount of acceptance of yourself, your partner, and the people who are part of your life. A deep sense of power and freedom comes from acceptance, because acceptance allows you to know, at the most basic level, that everything is okay. This kind of acceptance means relearning how to listen to your emotions, something that boys are trained away from early in life. It means letting go of perfection and finding out what “good enough” means. Finally, it means making space for your partner to be who she is instead of wishing she lived up to your fantasies or desires.

Recent research on men has shown that men actually have much stronger immediate emotional reactions than women. Also they successfully quell their emotions and move into thinking, figuring out, and fixing much more quickly than women.

The lack of freedom that men have in regard to acknowledging and listening to their emotions leads men to think that they are making rational decisions, when they are often unconsciously making emotional decisions or making decisions that discount their emotional needs completely. When you ignore your emotions they are relegated to the unconscious; when you are unconscious your emotions can control your behaviors without you having any understanding of what is driving you. On the other hand, if you discount your emotional needs in service of making rational decisions, you end up living a life that seems “right” but doesn’t feel good.

It’s vacation time again and you may be feeling the desire for a vacation or a staycation, where you can relax and enjoy your home and let the vacation come to you. Either way, we would like to offer you a couple’s retreat full of playfulness, passion and connection. Many couples take vacations hoping to spice up their sex life, and they often end up having a week or so of heightened connection or more frequent sex and then return home and go right back to business as usual (which often means sex and intimacy go back to the bottom of a long to-do list). Lasting relationship transformation requires that you learn and experience something new on your couple’s retreat so that sensuality and seduction become part of your everyday life!

We can help! Whether you are looking to create more intimacy and intensity in your relationship, experience new and expanded sensual and sexual experiences, learn more loving forms of communication or change relationship patterns to make way for stronger connections, a Passionate Vacation or Staycation will create lasting transformation your sex life and your relationship and you can have tons of fun on the journey. Over the course of a week or weekend – a minimum of 3 days is preferable – one of us will spend ten hours with you and your partner – we will start by talking about who you are and about your desires together and then we will embark on a special, experiential couple’s vacation created just for the two of you. You can come stay in the beautiful and romantic city of San Francisco with its stunning architecture, booming night life and tantalizing world cuisine, or invite one of us to join you in some other part of the country or the world.

Finally, if you want to stay in and create something on your own, you can bring the feeling of a vacation at home and create a “stay”cation. Here are some ideas to try, and we hope you’ll put your own unique twist on them based on what you and your partner love to do.

• Spa Vacation – Draw a bubble bath and set a glass of some exotic fruit drink with a lemon on the rim beside it. Lay towels down on one side of the bed (if you don’t have a massage table) and get some lavender massage oil. Take turns giving each other sensual massage.
• Camping Trip – If you have a backyard, pitch a tent in it, just make sure you have a nice, thick foam mattress to put on ground if you want anything really hot to happen. Or make a good, old-fashioned fort in your living room and have a sexy movie night.
• Paris, Goa or Puerto Vallarta – Get take-out from one of your favorite foreign restaurants and set the table and the mood accordingly with local music (try Pandora), some slow, sexy dancing. Feed each other while you whisper sexy words to your partner (je t’aime, hum tumhe pyar karte hae, te quiero). For a complete list of how to say I love you in different languages, click here.

So tell us, how do you take the time to create sex retreats and intimate vacations for yourself throughout the year? What was your sexiest vacation or staycation? Let us know in the comments below. You never know, you might just inspire someone to have the hottest sex ever!!

In this last installment of our series on ED, we want to add that there are times when ED is actually a functional response to a dysfunctional situation. In other words, in cases of situational ED, it may be that your penis is actually giving you the message: “I don’t want to go in there.” Throughout their lives, men are told that they are supposed to want sex all the time, from anyone and when an opportunity arises their body should be ready to take it. However, in both dating and long-term relationships, there are times when your body shows more intelligence than your logical brain. For example, in dating, a man might think to himself, “Wow, she is totally attractive” (meaning, she looks like someone you’d find on the cover of a magazine so I’m supposed to be attracted to her) as opposed to “I am totally attracted to her” (meaning, when I see her I get this aching in my groin that shoots right up through my stomach to my head and all I can imagine doing is her). Often, men date women who they feel will impress their friends or give them higher social status, without considering their own level of embodied attraction. There are many women out there who are outwardly attractive, but are not in touch with their sexual energy at all, making it very unlikely that your penis will respond or keep responding to her over time. In long-term relationships, especially if they are lacking communication, mutual support or a sense of personal freedom, your penis might stay soft to send you the message, “This is not working for me.” If you are in a relationship with someone who is highly critical, withholding of love or affection, or is angry and resentful all the time, your penis may be going on strike, refusing to continue to get close with someone who is treating you this way. If you are in a long-term relationship that is feeling very draining, painful or frustrating to you, try the following:

1) Identify your Feelings: you might be feeling rejected, hurt, criticized, angry, or sad about how thing are going.

2) Identify your Needs: you might need open communication, appreciation, or a feeling of receptivity coming from your partner.

3) Identify your Boundaries: you might refuse to be talked to with certain tones or words, or you might need to have boundaries about how much time you spend together so that you can pursue hobbies or experiences that enliven you.

4) Break the Silence: you might consider reading the books Cockfidence and Non-violent Communication in order to help you with identifying and sharing your feelings, needs and boundaries in a way that is most likely to be heard. You may even want to read these books together with your partner. It is essential that you communicate what you need in order to feel comfortable and content in the relationship. If there is too much water under the bridge, you may need support in breaking the silence. Feel free to send us an email, give us a call at (415) 336-3258 or get in touch with a therapist in your area. When shopping for a therapist, see if you can find anyone who has a somatic (body-based) or mindfulness-based approach and be picky. Make sure you feel good with whoever you work with.

In your day to day life, we encourage you to check in with both your big and little brain on all matters of desire, connection and attraction and make sure that they are on the same page!

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If you missed the previous posts in this series on treating Psychological Erectile Dysfunction, you can find them here:

- Post 1: 3 Causes of Psychological Erectile Dysfunction (ED) – and How To Heal Them Without Drugs

- Post 2: Fix Erectile Dysfunction (ED) By Overcoming Performance Anxiety

- Post 3: Erectile Dysfunction – Could there be such a thing as too much impulse control?

While it is well-known that ED can be caused by anxiety, most believe that this anxiety is all about performance – and yes, some of it is. Here’s an excerpt from Cockfidence about performance anxiety, edited to focus specifically on ED: It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. Once men experience a couple of erection failures, they begin to lose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety. What men don’t realize is that it is quite common, especially as they age, that erections are likely to come and go and not always be there exactly when you want them too. However, men put a tremendous amount of pressure on their bodies to always perform perfectly so that, long before intercourse even begins, at the first thought that it might be time to have sex, men become anxious and worried that they will not be able to get hard or stay hard. This anxiety constricts the blood vessels and keeps men in their minds and disconnected from their bodies, making it much more likely for ED to continue. You can take pressure off your cock by understanding what women really want from sex and learning how to drive your woman wild before you even take your pants off. To put it simply, what women really want from sex is an emotional experience. Women have sex to feel something! (To find out how to make them feel it all, check out Cockfidence!). They want to feel your desire and they want to feel you are fully present. If lose your erection and then feel guilty or ashamed you will likely distance from your partner and she may feel left alone or abandoned. Instead, if you really make her feel something and give her and her body all the attention it needs, she will be laying there, a puddle of post orgasmic bliss, with much less concern if sometimes you have an erection and sometimes you don’t. This way, you can take the pressure off of your cock as you continue to pursue better mastery. To pursue better mastery, you can directly confront the cycle of anxiety with a few simple steps:

1) Notice sensation in your body. Where is it feeling tight? Where is it feeling relaxed? Can you feel your arms and legs? Is there tightness in your chest or stomach?

2) Breathe. Practice Sexual Embodiment Breath (which can be found in Cockfidnece or on our Master Your Ejaculation Teleclass) Allow your body to unclench. Breathe directly into any parts that feel tight and imagine them releasing and relaxing with the breath.

3) Relax your mind. One way to do this is by giving yourself calming messages that help you unclench your body and let go of destructive and anxiety perpetuating thoughts. Instead of paying attention to what might be wrong, notice what is happening in your body with curiosity, not judgment. Try giving yourself positive messages around your body and pleasure like, “My body can give and receive pleasure just as it is” and “It feels good to touch and be touched.”

4) Connect with pleasurable sensation. Often, when you begin struggling with ED, you lose connection with the extraordinary pleasure sex can (and possibly once did) offer you. Continue breathing deeply and using the breath to connect you with any sensations in your body that feel arousing, erotic, sensual or pleasurable. Bring your mind into connection with your body by saying, “I can feel pleasure in my __________ (fill in the blank, i.e., hands, stomach).” Continue to relax and connect with that sensation. Focusing back toward pleasure can really help turn the tides of performance anxiety.

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If you missed part 1 of this series on treating Psychological Erectile Dysfunction, you can find the first post here

You might not believe it, but humans make mistakes all the time – you, your partner, your best friend, your parents, Celeste and Danielle… everyone. The first step in gaining more confidence is admitting to yourself that you are not perfect, and then letting your partner in on that little known secret. When you allow for your imperfections to show, you make room for your partner’s imperfections as well, and then we can all be relieved to know that none of us has it “all together” – then we can really be ourselves in a good healthy relationship.

How to be more confident in relationships is not about knowing for certain that you are going to do everything perfect (p.s. you aren’t), it comes from knowing that the love, connection or caring between you and another person is strong enough to make room for your imperfections, the moments of disconnection, mistakes and all your other foibles. When you are truly confident, what you know is that you are available and can stay present through those moments of misunderstanding, disconnection and imperfection and that you can trust your partner (and others) to do their best in the situation as well. It is less about apologizing and forgiving than it is about really hearing and understanding what each person in the relationship is feeling and staying with that feeling until they are all out, heard and held. This creates reparation and reunion and allows your personal confidence and your confidence in a relationship to build in a healthy way. We invite you to take the time and energy to build this confidence by being real, sharing your underlying feelings and learning ways you and your partner can stop blaming and shaming and instead become a team focused on reparation and reconnection.

When we think of men’s mid-life crises, what often comes to mind is a 40+ year old man in a red, shiny hot-rod running off with some younger woman to find himself. The popular representations of this in the media paint these men as childish and selfish and the movie fantasy is generally that he wises up, realizes the error of his ways, repents and returns to his wife and family. We think this popular depiction misses the point in so many ways. Firstly, it does not address the underlying emotional, physiological and societal reasons for this phenomenon. Namely, that men’s bodies experience an abrupt and significant change in ability right around age 40, many men’s fathers are getting old or dying when they are in their 40s and men are questioning if they will be allowed to live their lives the way they want to before they themselves die and, finally, that the definition of what it is to be a “good husband” and “good father” rarely leaves space for men to continue doing the things they love to do in life without being deemed selfish and uncaring.

Men who live their lives based on obligations and the women who support them in doing this (and who don’t explore their own personal needs and desires) are all part of the set-up that creates the phenomenon of the mid-life crises. We believe the mid-life crises is completely avoidable, however, it takes a commitment to a different kind of relationship agreement then the one most couples have. Firstly, it takes a commitment on the part of both partners to admit your own desires to yourself. Then it takes a willingness to rock the boat with skillful, honest and open communication about what it is you actually want. Next, it takes a commitment to celebrate each others desires no matter what they are. And, finally, it takes the courage to decide, as a team, whether or how they can fit in your lives and enhance the relationship. If you are willing to create space for all of who you are and all of who your partner is in your relationship, no one needs to run away in order to get what they want!

We just sent out this article to our newsletter subscribers but wanted to make it more accessible so you would have some good gift ideas for yourself or your sweetie this holiday season. You can sign up to receive our newsletter here!

This year for the holidays we thought we’d share our list of essentials when it comes to adult toys. We made a list and checked it twice and here the must-haves both naughty and nice (If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area, all of these are available at Good Vibes):

• The Hitachi Magic Wand – if you like a lot of stimulation and don’t mind a plug-in the Magic Wand rarely fails to please. For something a bit lighter, battery-operated and with a larger variety of settings, you might also like the Mystic Wand.
• A Massage Candle – these amazing items burn like candles but act like oil so you can enjoy a lovely hot-oil massage by candle-light.
• A big, pump-bottle of Liquid Silk lube (compatible with condoms) – lube is a must-have and, after extensive personal research, we have found the wettest, loveliest lube around. The pump bottle is essential, no mess and no caps to unscrew.
• An Ostrich Feather – or any other types of ticklers, teasers and skin pleasers from scarves to back scratchers should be kept near the bed.
• A Fun Wand Metal Dildo – for internal adventures, we highly recommend these visually stunning and lovingly crafted metal toys. Try warming them up under hot water first if the weather is cold and get creative!

One basic you can’t get at Good Vibes but men shouldn’t do without (you can get it on Amazon):

• Biotone Advanced Therapy Massage Gel – for personal pleasure try this massage gel. It’s slippery without being drippy and so much fun (not compatible with condoms).

Happy Holidays -  C & D