Exposed

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually. Curiosity is the seventh quality and the seventh chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 7 – Curiosity —

Often, when a man enters into an experience with a particular woman, he can attempt to avoid any perceived “negative” experiences and skirt around any challenges. This can result in the man being very outcome-driven, self-critical, judgmental or fearful,. This approach hinders the natural flow of energy between two people, and makes it much more likely that an interaction will end up feeling difficult, stilted and unsatisfactory.

A much more comfortable place from which to approach women – and the world in general – is from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is a way of looking at each new experience from a receptive, open place, without judgment or any sense of what the outcome might be. You just feel an experience in the moment. Taking this approach gives you an opportunity to see what you can learn about yourself and the women in your life.

This state of open curiosity need not only apply when you are connecting with a woman for the first time, but can be an ongoing approach. The beauty of curiosity is that it allows for the natural joys and challenges that happen over time between two people. An ongoing state of curiosity also acknowledges that either you or the woman you are interacting with can and will change over time. So often in relationships a desire to control the unknown leads to stagnation and boredom. An attitude of curiosity joyfully invites the unknown, making room for ongoing growth, excitement and passion between you and your partner.
In this chapter, we offer you information about women that might help you better understand their different psychology and biology. This information is general information that is true about most women. While we offer generalizations, make sure to stay curious about the unique ways that these show up in your partner.

In this latest except of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”, we explore Empathy, the 6th quality necessary to being an extraordinary lover.

— Quality 6 – Empathy —

Emotional connection, also known as “intimacy,” is one of the most common desires that women have in relationship. And, while both men and women are deeply emotional creatures, men get very strong cultural messages about repressing their emotions. Women are generally given more permission for expression.

Because men are taught to repress their emotions, they have less experience dealing with outward displays of emotion and are often overwhelmed in the face of a partner’s tears or anger – particularly if they feel like they are responsible for the upset.

Women are much less likely to separate emotions into “positive” and “negative” the way that men do, which is why women might talk about having a “good cry,” a phrase which may sound to you like an oxymoron. Women generally have a feeling of release or being cleaned out and opened up when they are able to express their emotions, especially when they feel seen, heard and understood. Emotions are not a problem to be fixed and the fact that a woman you are with has emotions does not mean that she is broken nor does it mean that you did something wrong.

Emotions are a doorway to deeper intimacy and trust. When emotions do bubble up, it is often a sign that a woman’s feelings for you are deepening. The fact that she feels safe enough to let them out is a sign that she trusts that you can handle her. Each time your partner is upset it is actually an opportunity for you to feel confident, for her to feel listened to and for the two of you to get closer.

The payoff is that a woman who has released her feelings of frustration or resentment and who has been listened to often moves to a space of softness and receptivity in her body. When she lets out the emotional blocks in her body, she is more able to fully let you in and to allow her sexual energy to move freely in her own body and between the two of you.

In this section, we explain how to be with a woman when she is expressing her emotions. This is one of the most important skills you need to increase your ability to have better sex and close relationships with women.

We came across this article on men and cuddling some time ago and thought we would share it with you.

While the information in the article is a bit confusing and there is some misinformation (about women’s sexual peak for example), we love the finding that men become avid cuddlers and women become more sex driven in older age so we’d thought we’d share it with you. It is a great reminder that we need all kinds of touch and connection in our relationships and keeping connection through caresses, kisses, hugs, cuddles and sex increases couples overall happiness.

Most people avoid difficult topics when dating, instead trying to market themselves like a product and sharing only information that makes them seem interesting, fun, sexy or sweet. We have worked with so many folks out in the dating world who feel a sense of extreme pressure not to show any of their challenges and a feeling that they are not being fully themselves or honest out in the dating world, making dating less than fun. Some folks, however, don’t have the choice of waiting to share about difficult topics. For example, it is important to share with a partner if you have an STD like herpes or a mental health issue such as depression and you can’t easily hide it if you are dealing with erectile dysfunction. We suggest that you don’t avoid difficult topics when dating. This is not to say that you spend your whole first dinner talking about everything that is wrong with you, we just suggest that, instead of marketing yourself like a product, and hoping you will get chosen, remember that everyone has problems or issues of their own and, by brining yours up, you are increasing your chances for intimacy and a foundation of honesty if you decide to move into a relationship. When thinking about bringing up your own challenges, remember that you are not alone – whoever you are dating has problems and issues of their own, whether or not they are apparent in your first few months of dating. Their problems may be different from yours or similar, but when you bring up your own personal challenges, you invite others more deeply into your world increasing and give them the opportunity to share their own challenges with you. If you find that someone still wants to pretend that they are perfect once you start revealing your feelings and experiences, this, in and of itself can be a red flag, because it is quite difficult to date someone who is unable to admit that they have any of their own fears, hurts or challenges. When sharing about any challenges, we encourage you to share you feelings and experiences instead of just the labels. If we stay with the depression example, instead of saying, “I’m depressed or I’m on anti-depressants,” try sharing what it feels like. For example, you might say, “I am dealing with depression, which means that sometimes I go through cycles where I am sad for a while or I don’t feel like getting out of bed” or “Throughout my life, I’ve had periods of depression, I’m taking anti-depressants now and they help a lot but I still go through times when things effect me more than others.” You might also tell whomever you are with what how you’d like them to respond when your challenge arises and reassure them that you are not going to blame them. In the case of depression, you might say, for example, that you’d like to be able to share your feelings during these times without the person you are seeing feeling like he or she has to do anything about it or fix it. Or, in the case of erectile dysfunction, you might share feelings like, “It is definitely frustrating sometimes, but when I focus on connecting with you I feel much more relaxed and still can get a lot of enjoyment out of it.” You might also let them know that it doesn’t mean that you aren’t attracted to them. In short, we encourage people to allow intimacy to unfold by sharing all the different side of who you are and making room for other’s humanness as well!!!

Since we’ve been on the topic of women’s libido, we thought we’d offer Jenny Block’s list of 7 reasons why sex isn’t on women’s radar. It’s a great list though her conclusion that people just need to talk about it may not be enough. Unfortunately sex is a language that we, as a culture, don’t have a huge vocabulary for. Sometimes you need the help of a book (such as Cockfidence or one of the many books we have on our resource list), a video, a coach or a therapist. Get yourself informed, get some support, communicate your needs and start practicing!

Here is one more chapter except of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”.

— Quality 5 – Passion —

To really excite and intrigue any woman, you need to be passionate about more than just her; you need to begin to look at your whole life through passionate eyes. If you are currently living your life based on what you should do instead of what interests or intrigues you, it is time to find your own path that excites and inspires you, and to support the women in your life in finding their passion too. It is possible to bring passion into every part of your life, and a Cockfident man feels passion for his work flowing into passion for his hobbies, flowing into passion for his partner.

Live a Life of Passion

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? As a boy, there were probably many activities and topics you were passionate about and we hope there still are. If, in the time it took to read this last paragraph about passion, you haven’t already identified three things you are passionate about (not including your partner if you have one), then it is time for you to reacquaint yourself with your passionate side. Your sense of freedom and power rests on your ability to enjoy your own life and give your gift to the world. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is willing to follow through with what they truly believe. Notice if you are judging any of your passions as trivial or discounting them. Notice whose voices are in your head naysaying or criticizing. Just for a moment, see if you can suspend the judgmental voice and remember what you are passionate about. You might also think about how your family of origin responded to ideas or desires that inspired you and how they communicated their expectations.

Take some time to ponder or write on the following questions:

• What is a topic that you could talk about for hours without tiring?
• What activities do you do that make you feel more like yourself?
• What are things that you do for your friends or family that make you feel most proud and content?
• What ideas and experiences grab your interest and make your heart beat faster?

Now check what percentage of your life is spent in the pursuit of these activities, ideas and experiences. Is it enough? Only you know the answer to this question, only you can decide what you want your life to look like, and only you can know the right way to live your life.

TwoOfUs.org recently posted about how our insecurities can affect our relationships. We love this article because it points to one of the most important things that relationships offer us if we are willing to take a good look at ourselves (as opposed to searching outside of ourselves for answers).

Relationships are like an amazing stew where you mix together two people’s personal histories, family histories, strengths, weaknesses, inspirations and insecurities and you never know what is going to come out. As this article points out, this stew might sometimes bring to light our personal insecurities and paranoia, but they may also bring to light other hot buttons (like fear of not doing things right, or anger about how we were treated in the past). Usually, when these things are triggered, we chase after our partner, trying to get them to make us feel better or taking out our anger on them or we avoid certain kind of interactions with our partners (for fear of doing something wrong). It takes a willingness to look at yourself honestly and take responsibility for your own growth – if you do, there are HUGE POTENTIAL PAY OFFS, like healing from past hurts, breaking habits that no longer serve you, realizing there are choices you never thought of and creating relationship that actually meet your needs. The first step is simply admitting that you aren’t perfect and then looking at what riles you up…

We’d love to hear what’s cooking for you and would be happy to help! Feel free to post some comments/questions here!

These days, finding balance between work and partnership is the tip of the iceberg, there are also friends, family (kids if you have them), personal errand and responsibilities, etc. Being over-busy is the scourge of our time, and relationships, and especially relaxed, spacious time to savor intimacy, connection and sex seems to be the biggest loser across the board. We find that many people (especially with our protestant work ethic), think of pleasure as something extraneous that rarely makes the to-do list or the calendar.

We believe that, even if you love your work, taking downtime, and sharing intimacy and sex (and all the lovely hormones that are released when we do so), is essential to our overall health and well-being, as well as the health of our relationships. Much research is now showing that stress is the root of our body losing it’s ability to do the things it needs to in order to maintain our health and is thus the root cause of many of the illnesses we face. Relaxed connection, savoring, loving and sensual touch – all of these are the prevention and essential to the cure! We wish, instead of work ethic, we had an ethic of pleasure in this culture, where everyone was encouraged to create as much pleasure and joy in their lives and in the lives of others as possible. It would be a better world, full of healthier, happier people and relationships. Here’s a tip – put pleasure at the top of your to do list and set aside at least one hour a day for things that make you feel relaxed, happy and connected!

Women – your libido is tied to shifts in hormones and energy throughout your day, throughout your monthly cycle and throughout your lifetime. In contrast to men, who generally experience a build-up of sexual energy when they have not had sex for a while, and a lowering when they do have sex, your libido is likely to fluctuate more based on your hormonal changes and changes in your energy level throughout your day. Libido is also heightened when sexual experiences have been recent (as opposed to a distant and fading memory). To put your hormonal changes simply, overall your libido-supporting hormones go down throughout your lifetime – in the big picture women in their 40s are less hormonally horny than women in their 20s. That being said, each month, as long as your are not on a hormonal form of birth control, your hormones experience a peak during ovulation and menstruation and these are often when your libido will be at its highest. You can begin noticing when you have peaks in your desire and track these throughout the month. If you have children, you will likely (or likely did), have an experience of heightened libido during your pregnancy and then lowered libido afterward due to hormonal fluctuations. Since rest has a huge impact on libido, getting enough sleep and choosing to have sex in the morning, afternoon or early evening (whenever your energy level is the highest), can do miracles to your sexual desire and response (and also partially explains why women have lowered libido after childbirth – very little rest, and keeping sex to the end of the day when the kids are in bed!). Finally, in menopause, your sexual hormones drop and stay quite low throughout the month.

As we mentioned above, when you go long stretches of time without sex, your body tends to “forget” what you liked about sex in the first place, and often, once you have sex more regularly, you end up wanting it more. There is one caveat to this, it has to be GOOD SEX or else, as your hormonal desire for sex drops, you will be less and less interested. We have this myth in our culture, that our partners are just supposed to know what we want and be able to provide it without us having to ask, however, since your body, your hormones , your orgasms and your needs to be touched change throughout time, it is essential to teach your partner and continue to communicate with your partner what you need in order to feel turned on. As we have lower and lower hormonal support for our arousal, seduction, fantasy, creativity and communication become more and more essential to keep us interested in sex.

We cannot emphasize enough the importance of seduction and how questions from our partners like, “are you horny,” or “do you want to have sex now” are NOT SEDUCTIONS. Research has shown that women often not interested in sex until they are already somewhat aroused, this means that your partner needs to know how to arouse your body instead of asking you if you want sex because you won’t want it until you are already somewhat aroused.

Here are some important tips to take away:

1) Get as much rest as possible – naps can be hugely rejuvenating

2) Look for times to have sex when you feel the most physiologically aroused – this may mean you will have to initiate sex, which many women are not used to doing (we will talk more about this in our next segment on social messages and libido)

3) When thinking about how your partner can seduce you better, don’t only tell them how to touch you, teach them how to look at you, how to talk to you, what kinds of fantasies most turn you on (so they can tell them to you or you can act them out), and how they can help make sure you get enough rest. If you need more ideas about what is on the menu, check out the second half of our book, COCKFIDENCE.

4) Try to find a birth control method with the least hormonal impact

5) If you are one of those SUPER BUSY WOMEN, make sex dates with your partner or yourself, where you set aside time for intimacy and sexual connection. To those who complain that this will not be spontaneous, we say, there is plenty of time for spontaneity once you get to the date and making the time doesn’t mean you have to have sex – just that you do something that helps you connect to your own body and your partner in a sensual or intimate way.

6) Start tracking your menstrual cycle, keeping an eye on when you have peaks in your arousal and initiate sex during these times or any time you think you might be in the mood

In the next couple of blogs, we will tell you more of the reasons why you may have low libido and how you can change it! Also, we would love to hear your experiences and welcome comments and questions – so feel free to leave comments bellow.

Studies have shown that the number one sexual complaint of women across the U.S. is low sexual desire (low libido). For the next few posts, we will present the main reasons why women suffer from low libido and give some ideas on how women can help themselves and gain the help of their partners in increasing their desire for and enjoyment of sex.

In this series, we will go over the psychological, interpersonal and social reasons why women suffer from low libido. In addition to these, there are some lifestyle choices, medications and illnesses that can cause low libido in women so, if you are not feeling satisfied with your level of sexual desire, it may be important to take a look at these possible factors as well. For example, anti-depressants can lower desire and can also impede orgasm (which can, in turn decrease the desire for sex), Hormonal forms of birth control (such as the pill) can decrease libido as can alcohol and drug use. Fatigue and very low weight (caused by eating or exercising disorders) can also effect women desire for sex. Rest, eating healthy, regular exercise and avoiding excessive drinking are all extremely helpful and basic to desire, however there is so much more that effects women’s desire and there are some great, natural ways that women, along with the help of their partners, can feel more turned on, more sexual and more desirous of sex.

Over the next few posts we are going to talk about the ways that women become distanced from their desire, the myths and incorrect assumptions about what turns women on and the pathway back to healthy and satisfying levels of sexual desire. You will find out what is in sex for you and how you can create it in your life and your partnerships.

Since you are reading this right now, why not begin with a short exercise. Take a moment to think about your best sexual experience or your hottest fantasy and write it down. If you are drawing a blank, simply write down what you feel when you are asked to think about these things – what emotions arise, what thoughts, what images. In the upcoming posts, we will talk more about why you have the fantasies you do, how to get them, and why so many women draw a blank when it comes to knowing what they want…