Exposed

Protecting your partner from something potentially damaging or hurtful sends a powerful message to your partner that you don’t trust them. Regardless of how important it is for you to keep things flowing along smoothly, relationships experience and need to be able to survive the natural ups and downs of life. Disappointment and elation, frustration and contentment, anger and happiness are all part of a healthy, lasting relationship. Keeping secrets to save the relationship or your partner from disappointment, frustration or anger, or any of the emotions some judge as “negative” – is not allowing the richness and fulness of a relationship.  Keeping important information away from others (in any relationship) narrows the spectrum of emotional sharing and, by letting your fears close you off, you begin pattern of closing yourself off in general. Allowing yourself privacy and boundaries is a great thing, but as Dr. Tammy Nelson writes, negotiate what you want to be a part of your relationship and what is safe for the relationship in terms of “Privacy” – in other words, keep mindful watch as to what you are keeping from your partner, and much more importantly – WHY you are keeping it from them. It could be keeping you from a richer relationship full of growth and true connection!

People come to us all the time feeling guilty about their needs in the bedroom. Instead of being really clear about what they want and seeing whether their partner is up for it or not, they don’t ask at all or only ask for a small percentage of what they need, feeling that everything in the bedroom needs to be tit for tat.

Our clients, let’s call them Sean and Carmen, were a perfect example of this. Carmen really enjoys receiving touch and needs plenty all-over body caressing, grabbing, and kissing in order to get to the height of her arousal, yet she felt really guilty about her desire to receive and her lack of interest in caressing Sean back. In separate sessions, she shared this while her partner Sean admitted somewhat shyly that what he loved more than anything was giving, and that he felt most turned on by previous partners who had acted like a queen the bedroom. He was a bit disappointed that Carmen was always trying to give back equally and continued trying to ask her for what she wanted, to no avail. Once we finally created a space for them to have an open conversation, they couldn’t believe they had spent 19 years of marriage never talking about their real desires. They happen to be a perfect match.

Of course, not every couple who comes with us fits as perfectly as Sean and Carmen. When going to the “negotiating table” with your partner over all things sex-related and otherwise, why not start by asking for 100% of what you want, encouraging them to do the same and then seeing what is possible in relationship to each of your desires and boundaries. Think about it, if you start by asking for 50% and then compromise, you will probably end up with 30% and 30% is not enough. If you ask for 100%, first of all, you just might get it. Secondly, you have a much greater chance of getting at least 70% or 80% which, for most of us, is plenty! Sometimes, the thought of asking for what you really want can bring up fear of judgement or insecurities, if you need help, we are here!

One final thought: when it comes to differing needs and capacities around sex, unlike in other areas of your life, if you are choosing monogamy, there is no option to outsource those needs. Stay tuned to our blog for an upcoming series on Commitment, Monogamy and Cheating to find out about how couples handle differing desires in both monogamous and non-monogamous agreements and what you can do if you are a couple experiencing differing needs and capacities around sex.

Relationships aren’t fair. In our practice, we see a lot of hurt come from the idea that people are supposed to have perfect equality in relationship on everything from work to child-rearing, from emotional support to time with friends. What the idea of fairness misses is the fact that any two people in a relationship have very different Needs and very different Capacities. For example, we saw a couple, let’s call them Bob and Susan – Bob had a very high need for interpersonal connection both inside and outside of the relationship. He loved spending intimate time with his wife and he also found spending time with his friends, his hiking group and his extended family extremely fulfilling, yet he spent almost all of his time alone with Susan. In talking through it, we found that Susan was much more of an introvert, and really didn’t want to spend time with other people much. He felt that this was bad for her and constantly tried to get her to go places with him. She would agree and cancel at the last minute, and he would feel bad and would stay home with her instead of going out himself, building frustration, resentment and some depression in the process. She, on the other hand, was delighted when he would go by himself and come home with fun stories to share. Once he realized that her introversion was not a sickness and that she was ok with him being with friends and family, he began to feel much more free to take the time he needed with friends, social hobbies and family instead of trying to make things fair.

Another example were a couple who we will call Chelsea and Paco – Paco was one of the most hard workers we had ever seen – he loved his business and seemed to thrive on his success. Chelsea was also an extremely hard worker, in the process of trying to make partner in a law firm. However, unlike Paco, the amount she was working seemed to be literally killing her. She was getting sick constantly, losing weight from her already too-skinny frame, and felt worn out all the time – they came to us because, not surprisingly, she had almost no libido. The problem was that she felt obligated to work as hard and earn as much as Paco, even though she clearly had a different capacity. Paco was beside himself because he was much more interested in a healthy wife and felt completely comfortable with the idea of her going part time if it meant she might be happy, healthy and horny again. It took a while to realize that what made her important wasn’t about earning the same as Paco, but about just being herself – that he loved her for her and didn’t need her to kill herself in order to do it. When she finally decided to go part time, she began feeling healthy and excited about life and about Paco again. The bottom line is that it is actually impossible to measure the things that each person offers in a relationship, however, taking some time to be honest with yourself and your partner about your actual needs and capacities will really help you work as a true team, where you make room for the differences and where each of your strengths can shine!

We suggest you look at the following topics: housework, child-rearing, earning, emotional work (keeping connections and sharing and supporting feelings in the immediate family, the extended family and with friends), and sexual relationship. If you find resentments or frustrations in the differences between you and your partner, send us an email at info@celesteanddanielle.com, we’d love to help! Also, stay tuned for our upcoming blog on Fairness in the Bedroom!

The article When Monogamy Is a Cop-Out: Why Follow Society’s Rules About Sex? touches on some interesting points about choices we make in our relationships. Aside from the oversimplification around who might be interested in non-monogamy (there’s more to it than that men want to spread their seed and women want to make nests as has been noted in studies of our fellow primates, for example female chimpanzees have sex with multiple partners during ovulation in order to ensure that there will be many fathers interested in caring for their young), we really like this article. Monogamy does seem to be the default for most couples and, when offered the choice of non-monogamy, most people say, “But, does that really ever work?” The truth is, sometimes monogamy works and sometimes it doesn’t (50% of marriages end in divorce) and sometimes open relationships work and sometimes they don’t. As a default, monogamy can lead to resentment, a feeling of being trapped, and a lack of communication around each persons desires. Often those in relationship say nothing to a partner about what they desire, shielding these vulnerabilities behind the ideal of monogamy, instead of asking for what they want so as to avoid their partners fears or disapproval. We encourage everyone – from those in their 50th year in marriage to those dating – to approach monogamy as just one of the items on the menu, not as the only thing possible. It might be what you end up choosing, and then you can feel great about it!

We love involving more and more of the whole body in a sexual experience, as this article suggests, and when you engage your senses everywhere you go, like can be one big sexy adventure. Embodiment through sensual engagement is not just a foundation for the work that we do in sessions, but ultimately for everything we do out in the world. Eating ice cream or watching leaves ripple on a tree on a windy day can be extremely arousing and sexy, especially when you allow all of your senses to feed into and connect with your sexual desire.

Cory Silverberg’s fantastic article combats more than just fatigue, it is for anyone where sex has waned in their relationship. Acknowledgment, acceptance, focusing on sex beyond just intercourse, and focusing on desire are all things we champion as Somatica practitioners and we’re really happy to see them here. Embodiment is not just for times when you are at your peak – it is something to experience all the time, staying connected with yourself, acknowledging what you are capable of, and communicating your feelings, desires and capacities with your partner.

As all good things must come to an end, here is the final excerpt of our book “Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild”.  Chapter 9 is about sensuality, sexual connection, and slowing things down.  If you enjoyed these small teasers of our book you can find the full version here.  Enjoy!

— Quality 9 – Sensuality —

Sensuality is an approach to sexual connection that utilizes all the senses: sight, touch, taste, smell, and hearing. Sensuality is indicated by a willingness to go slow, give varied touch, and enjoy the stimulation of all of your and your partner’s senses in a sexual experience. It is predicated on the ability to focus on each delectable moment of a sexual interaction and to let go of orgasm as the only or ultimate goal of sex. When women describe their best sexual experiences, they almost always express detailed descriptions of sensual acts such as kissing, touching or being looked at with desire. When you bring sensuality to a woman, you are catering to her body’s longings.

Women’s capacity for pleasure and orgasms is endless. While this sounds very promising, these possibilities can bring up performance anxiety for many women who worry that they need to have every type of orgasm and be able to ejaculate, etc. Women also fear that they take too long; while men are often trying to hold off on their orgasms as long as possible, women are generally rushing to the finish.

Women worry that men won’t appreciate them as sexual partners if they don’t have orgasms the way they think men want them to (i.e., during intercourse or without a vibrator) or quickly enough. Throughout history women suffered from sexual oppression and limitation around their orgasms; they were told that something was wrong with them if they couldn’t have what Freud referred to as “vaginal orgasms” and that clitoral orgasms were “immature.” We invite you to celebrate women for their full potential without putting pressure on them to prove that they can do it all. The pressure merely leads to women faking orgasms, making it even less likely that you learn how to give her pleasure and orgasm. You can support your partner by letting go of the hierarchy of orgasms and appreciating orgasms however and whenever they come in a sexual experience, as well as allowing women to have their choice around orgasm, since some women might not want to orgasm every time they have sex.

The three major types of orgasms – clitoral, G-Spot and cervical – each travel across a different set of nerves and therefore create a different sensation in the body. This also means that women can have combination orgasms, where two or three of the neuropathways are being activated. Next, we will explore how you can best help her reach each of these different types of orgasm…

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in Cockfidence, our book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Spontaneity, (or the combination of  Creativity and Flexibility) is the eight quality and the eight chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 8 – Spontaneity (Creativity + Flexibility) —

You may also fear that bringing passionate energy will overwhelm a woman as though women are delicate and easily broken. This could cause you to hold back your passion, especially if you feel that you have too much or that it will not be received. On the contrary, most women’s bodies are strong enough to receive all the passion you have in your body for her and more. She may be surprised by it at first, which is why it takes confidence to stay with the feeling and not allow her embarrassment or surprise to pull you both out of it. Instead, with your passionate look and your focused confidence, you pull her into the hottest experiences you have ever had.

Passionate Words
Passion has to do with immediacy, intensity of desire, animalistic need, uncontrollable urges, and overwhelming feelings. Examples include:

• Talking about how she brings out the animal in you: “I could eat you alive right now.”
• Sharing the intensity of your physical need: “I can’t wait to be inside you.”
• Telling her how strongly you feel about her: “When you are near me, my heart feels like it is going to explode.”
• Talking about how her pleasure and her body delights you: “When I feel you come, energy shoots through my whole body; I could spend hours just licking and tasting you.”

Passionate Gestures

• Throwing her up against a wall on a walk or at home and kissing and touching her passionately. (It can be great to do this in public sometimes as long as she is open to it; it means you can’t wait until you have her alone, you have to have her right now.)
• Looking at her with an intensity of desire in your eyes like you can’t hold back any longer.
• Shouting out your window, “I’m with the sexiest woman in the world and I want everyone to know it!”
• Having a lovemaking session where you make sure that you kiss, lick, bite, smell or suck every inch of her body. Make sure you suck on her toes and fingers and don’t miss a single spot!

As Somatica practitioners, we applaud this note on how foreplay, touch and nudity all tie into body image and great sex.

The only gripe we have is that we don’t love the separation between “foreplay” and sex – foreplay is some of the best sex folks have because it helps with arousal, connection, intimacy and trust, and is often where women have the majority of their orgasms. When you take the time to touch your partner, your message in that touch is “I desire you” and they receive the message “I am desirable”. Sensual and sexual touch (whether passionately firm and hard or romantically slow and soft) delivers a message of desire and body image issues can be softened with an embodied “letting in” of your partner’s loving, desiring touch on your naked body.