Exposed

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Curiosity is the seventh quality and the seventh chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 7 – Curiosity —

Often, when a man enters into an experience with a particular woman, he can attempt to avoid any perceived “negative” experiences and skirt around any challenges. This can result in the man being very outcome-driven, self-critical, judgmental or fearful,.  This approach hinders the natural flow of energy between two people, and makes it much more likely that an interaction will end up feeling difficult, stilted and unsatisfactory.

A much more comfortable place from which to approach women – and the world in general – is from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is a way of looking at each new experience from a receptive, open place, without judgment or any sense of what the outcome might be. You just feel an experience in the moment. Taking this approach gives you an opportunity to see what you can learn about yourself and the women in your life.

This state of open curiosity need not only apply when you are connecting with a woman for the first time, but can be an ongoing approach. The beauty of curiosity is that it allows for the natural joys and challenges that happen over time between two people. An ongoing state of curiosity also acknowledges that either you or the woman you are interacting with can and will change over time. So often in relationships a desire to control the unknown leads to stagnation and boredom. An attitude of curiosity joyfully invites the unknown, making room for ongoing growth, excitement and passion between you and your partner.
In this chapter, we offer you information about women that might help you better understand their different psychology and biology. This information is general information that is true about most women. While we offer generalizations, make sure to stay curious about the unique ways that these show up in your partner.

We recently received a great question from Nick, who was interested in issues around the smells and tastes that come up with Oral Sex. We know this is a common issue and though we’d post the answer for everyone to share and discuss!

Nick Writes:

“I’m hoping you might be able to provide some advice on a sensitive issue – do you have any quick tips for men to learn how to enjoy giving oral sex to women, or can you point me to any self-study resources? I’ve never really liked it. I know this is horrible to say, but it’s generally a fear of the feel and smell. (I’m a very picky eater when it comes to food, avoiding those foods with weird textures or smells, and I think that extends to the human body. I just don’t like putting strange things in my mouth…)

“Part of the problem, too, is that I’ve been trained via porn to expect a certain ideal appearance down there, even though I know that porn bodies aren’t real bodies…

“If you have some tips or can point me in a direction, it would be appreciated!”

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Our answer:  Dear Nick,

I know it can be challenging when you are very particular about tastes, smells and sights to really get into the joys that giving a woman oral sex can bring. A few ideas:

1) Buy a book (or find a similar online source) that has pictures of a wide variety of vaginas and try masturbating to different types, especially those that you are less used to or comfortable with. You might use some other types of arousing images and then intersperse images of different kinds of vaginas in while you are masturbating,
2) Ask if she could shower before you have sex.
3) Put something flavorful that you like on her pussy before having oral sex. Kama Sutra makes a great powdered product called “honey dust”. Avoid other flavored sex products, most of them are quite terrible. If you use something sugary, make sure she washes thoroughly after, especially inside her vagina so she doesn’t get a yeast infection. (Another note – strawberries have tiny seeds that break off easily – not something you notice in your mouth but something to avoid for the vagina!)

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Empathy is the sixth quality and the sixth chapter – here is a brief excerpt:

— Chapter 6 – Empathy —

Your ability to empathize has a huge bearing on your sex life, and particularly on whether you are going to get sex, how often, and how good the sex will be. When you tune into your own emotions by feeling the sensations in your body, you will begin not only to feel when a woman desires you, but specifically what her body wants in sexual and intimate situations. Imagine your body is an antennae for her feelings – you can’t be in her body, but you can listen to her through your own.

Men are often taught to distance from their own emotions in order to appear strong. Distancing from your own emotions, however, decreases your sense of empathy, making it more difficult for you to read a woman’s emotions, including sexual desires and cues. By fully connecting with your own body and your emotions, you can stop intellectualizing emotions and start feeling them; instead of thinking about what your partner is feeling, you actually feel it.

Embodied empathy also sensitizes your radar towards her more difficult emotions such as sadness and anger, allowing you to catch early warnings signs. This helps interrupt the escalation of drama and fights. With a little bit of practice, you can enhance your embodied empathy increasing your likelihood to have more great sex and less drama.

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that will allow men to reclaim their sense of power, understand and express their sexual desires, drive women wild sexually, and maintain their personal sense of freedom.  Passion is the fifth quality and the fifth chapter – here is a brief excerpt:

— Chapter 5 – Passion —

Men rarely have a chance to develop a true enjoyment of their own desire as an essential part of their masculinity. Early on, you were given messages from parents, friends, television, religious institutions and schools about both men’s and women’s sexuality. As boys, you probably got the message, at least covertly, that men are sexual and that this sexuality is a natural, animalistic drive. At the same time, you may have gotten the message that this drive is overpowering, wrong, and dangerous and that you have to learn how to temper and control it. In other situations, you may have been given the message you should go out and exercise this drive as much as you want to. You should, “sew your wild oats” and “play the field.”

At the same time, both you and the girls around you were told that girls are not really sexual people, and men are often told that their sexual drive will not be received or reciprocated by women. In your own life, the combination of these two messages – that boys have an overpowering, animalistic sexuality and that girls are basically without a sexual drive – most likely led you to feel at least some level of discomfort with your sexuality. At worst, it caused you to lose touch with your own sexual power and confidence in your desires.

Your desire for women, sex, and pleasure are the most natural desires you have – they are built in to your body in order for the species to survive. However, often when men feel desire and they have been told that it is wrong, the desire makes them anxious. As soon as it arises, they feel like they have to DO something about it.

The next time you see a gorgeous woman that you want to have sex with, try standing up straight, taking a deep breath, and feeling your desire flow through your body. Feel how good it feels that you still have this desire in your body; it means that you are alive and inspired, it is really not about her and there is nothing to DO about it…

This week we continue a blog-per-week from each chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that will allow men to reclaim their sense of power, understand and express their sexual desires, drive women wild sexually, and maintain their personal sense of freedom.  Generosity is the fourth quality and the fourth chapter:

—– Chapter 4 – Generosity —–

A common example of a potentially generous offering is the backrub. There are two very different ways to give a woman a backrub. The first approach is to offer a backrub as a way to get to sex. You half-heartedly kneed and rub her shoulders trying to figure out how quickly you can begin touching her butt, kissing her neck and getting between her legs.

The second approach is to give a woman a backrub because you feel generous and enjoy seeing her feel relaxed. You take your time, you notice what parts of her body respond and relax under your touch. You enjoy each stroke you are offering. If it leads to sex – great. If not – great! If it is a truly generous backrub, you will actually feel her pleasure in your own body. Both the giver and receiver can feel the same physical pleasure from the same backrub.

There are 6 steps to becoming a truly generous person:
1)    Give what you enjoy giving
2)    Know your boundaries
3)    Face conflicts
4)    Learn to say and hear “no”
5)    Pass your woman’s test
6)    Build communication and trust

We continue our weekly sneak peek of each chapter of our upcoming book with the third chapter. Confidence is the third of nine qualities for men to possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.

— Chapter 3 – Confidence —

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

This week we continue a blog-per-week from each chapter in our upcoming book – and today we offer you a sneak peek at Chapter 2. In this book we help men learn the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  Acceptance is the second quality and the second chapter:

—– Chapter 2 – Acceptance —–

In their purest form anger and sadness are positive emotions with essential information about how you want to live your life. People think of sadness and anger as negative emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable, but it is this discomfort that is emotion’s greatest gift. The discomfort of anger or sadness says “something needs to change.” When men avoid these so-called “negative” emotions, they build up, get stuck and transform into rage, resentment, depression, resignation and hopelessness and no change can occur.
Sometimes, if you have been sitting in these secondary emotions for a while, they begin to feel like home. In fact, they have developed as a way to protect you, a safety zone from which you do not need to try to connect. In order to experience power and intimacy, you must move through these, back to anger or sadness. Delving into these emotions will unleash your confined energy, transforming it into motivation, power, attraction, passion and creativity

This week we offer you a sneak peek at Chapter 1 in our upcoming book for men, in which we help men learn the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  Presence is the first quality and the first chapter:

—– Chapter 1 – Presence —–

Picture an animal who is trying to mate and who is standing before the object of his desires. He is not awkwardly planning or worrying about the last time she flew, galloped or ran away. He is fully in his own body, connected unequivocally with his sexual arousal in the present moment. He feels every breath, every twitch, every subtle signal of his potential mate. As he reads these signals, he begins a dance that will eventually bring him to his goal. If he splits his attention away from this desire or loses connection with the recipient of his desires, he will quickly miss the opportunity before him. Staying fully present to his erotic desire and attuned creates his only opportunity for success.

Your power, your confidence and your sexual interactions with women depend on you being in the moment in your erotic body (and eventually reading a woman’s queues and responding to them in the moment with your body, not your head). In contrast, planning ahead or trying to come up with the perfect words is an oblivious, detached place to be. This state of detachment is part of what women mean when they say men are “emotionally unavailable”.  When you are in your head, you are distanced from your own sensation and connection with yourself and from potential moments of erotic energy exchange. When you are in your body, you can feel desire coursing through your body and you will be able to generate and read desire in women.

Knowing what you want or connecting with another person does not come from disembodied heads. Knowing yourself and being fully with someone else comes from a deep connection with your body. If you spend your life in your head planning and worrying about the future or reliving or regretting the past, then you never get to know who you are and what you want and you never really connect with another person sexually or interpersonally. In this section, you will begin the journey into living from your own body and knowing your own desires.

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Starting with an excerpt from our introduction and then adding a sneak peek from a chapter each week, we will “expose” our upcoming book for men on how to have great sex, build powerful connections with women, and maintain lasting freedom while doing so.  Sound impossible or contradictory? It’s not – all three need to exist simultaneously, or it does not work.  How? Well, that’s what our book will show you! Here’s a little bit of our introduction:

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As empowered, sexual women, we want to live in a world full of men who can express their power and their passion. We want to live in a world in which we can be received, and where women who may have made themselves small can grow fully again with a partner that can receive them. Because of this, we are willing to break the secret code of women. Very few women out there will tell you that they are excited by your freedom because they are also frightened of it. There is a part of them that always feels insecure and challenged by it. It is exactly this slightly unsettled feeling that causes us to respect, desire and want to fuck you over and over again. Complete certainty that you will do what we expect you to may give us a false sense of security, but it also breeds boredom and contempt. Our excitement is inspired by your tenacious commitment to who you are and what you want.

The relationship between your power and freedom and women’s sexual desire (and her own freedom and power) is complex. There are no books or experts out there who lay it all out in one place. There are pieces about how to be a good technical lover and how to pick up and bed women, and some even touch on long-term relationships with women. Others cover masculine power or uncovering the mystery of women, but no book has brought all of these aspects together in one short, straight-forward and practical manual. Until now.

We don’t know about you boys, but we can tell you one game many of us girls played as young folks was a game called Dress Up. Playing Dress Up meant donning our favorite fairy princess dress or sequined tutu, adding a little imagination and we were in for hours of entertainment. As sex and intimacy coaches, we always say, “Sex is where adults go to play”. Why not use the summer warmth of June as inspiration to play your own adult game of Dress Up? Dress Up can have many meanings, everything from brushing off that tux and evening gown and having a romantic candle-lit dinner at home, to remembering the joys of playing doctor, except this time you can go get yourself a lab coat, some black vinyl gloves and a thermometer and keep track as temperatures rise. What did you always want to be when you grew up? A fireman? A flight attendant? An astronaut? It’s not too late, at least not the in bedroom. Find yourself a fireman’s hat and you are half-way there. If you are lucky, the hat’s all you’ll need! If your coupled, play with a partner. If you are single, try dressing up and trying out a new persona out in the world – you may find a whole new sense of confidence!