Exposed

Reading this Nerve.com article on the Five Reasons We’re Having Better Sex Than Our Parents we got to thinking about this generation’s sex life compared to ours, our parents’ or even grandparents’.  We are hoping twenty-somethings haven’t faced the same kind of sexual double standards (which harm both men’s and women’s sexual self-expression) that most of us faced growing up and that they have a chance to explore more openly with less guilt and shame. To these five reasons, we would add that there is infinitely more information available out there online and in the book stores to help people learn more about who they are sexually. We also believe that people are now taking account of the importance of sexual communication and compatibility when making choices about who to date and marry. What would you add to the list?

We have been so busy preparing to shoot some videos for the website so that you can get a peak into what goes on in a Somatica Session, that we haven’t had time to write last week’s blog post. However, we invite you to keep your eye in the upcoming weeks for a series on Women’s Libido (challenges and how to heighten it) and women’s version of performance anxiety, as well as an exposé on how “keeping sex alive in long-term relationships” might seem a little counter-intuitive.

By the way, we love all of your comments and would also be happy to hear any questions you have that we could address in Exposed.

Happy Summer!

Celeste & Danielle

“Women reach their sexual peak at age 35. Men reach theirs at 18. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We reach our sexual peak just as they’re coming to realize they have a favorite chair?” – Comedienne Rita Rudner

We love Rita and her wonderful commentary on the confusing belief about women’s sexual peak, and we want to unravel some misconceptions about a woman’s sexual peak vs. her physiological peak to help you understand your own sexual maturation.

Women reach their hormonal sexual peak during their teens (puberty), just the same way that boys do. As we grow older, especially in our late 30s, our hormonal levels decrease, decreasing our physiological sexual drive. This means as we age, our bodies desire sex less. (With spikes in desire around ovulation and menstruation until menopause.) After menopause, our bodies want sex less overall and we lose the spikes.  Thus, our physiological sexual peak happens in our teens – so why do we say women reach their sexual peak at 35? It has nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with the society we live in.

Although we may be in our hormonal peak just after puberty, girls are warned of the dangers of sex: pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and being seen as a slut. We then distance from our sexuality. Eventually women begin to figure out what they want sexually and begin to be much more direct in asking for it. (This usually happens from running across a lover who is attentive, attuned and skilled, or from reading about sexual pleasure, learning from friends or learning through self-pleasuring.) This learning leads to what has been commonly known as our “sexual peak.” Sex feels better and we generally learn how to orgasm more consistently or even how to have multiple orgasms. Often, a woman’s G-Spot is awakened in their 30s and they have the ability to have G-Spot or combination orgasms.

The earlier you begin learning about and expanding your own sexual responsiveness the more your hormones support this learning. Beginning sooner rather than later gives you the opportunity to embody your highest sexual potential. And remember, it is never too late! If you want to find out what is on the menu for you sexually so you can expand your responsiveness, your desire for sex and find out more about what’s in it for you come see us for some coaching! You can also gain a lot of information about yourself from reading the second half of Cockfidence (and more information about men by reading the first half) and your partner can become more sensitive and attuned by attending Cockfidence: The Workshop. Our dream for you is that you know what you want, know how to ask for it and get it in every area of your life from relationship to work, from sex to friendships and in everything else – we are here to help. Call us any time if you have any questions. We answer our phones and would love to talk! (415) 336-3258

Each week, we post on our blog a portion of a chapter in our upcoming book for men, Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild. Cockfidence shares the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  This is the last entry before we have Sensualité, our book launch party at 111 Minna in SF — http://www.celesteanddanielle.com/party.html — where there will be fun and sexy performances, dancing, and a few surprises including our new, wonderful book.  We will have many copies on hand for sale.  So, here our book sneak-peek concludes with an invitation to integrate the 9 Qualities and living a full, fearless life.

— Live your Life Fully and Fearlessly —
By living your life fully and fearlessly, you now have the power to choose to create experiences for yourself and with others that give you the most pleasure, satisfaction and inspiration. By focusing on yourself and letting go of perfection, you find acceptance for who you are and bring curiosity and appreciation to your partner. By continuing to live life through the 9 Qualities of an Extraordinary Lover, you emerge every day as the most magnetic, exciting, powerful manifestation of yourself.

In addition, you have learned how to love women authentically from the depth of who you are. Many men say that they love women. More than any words you might say, it is the actions you take that show whether you are compatible with an amazing woman and able to inspire your partner to her greatest strengths. On this pathway, you have learned to experience women with empathy and support. Your ability to dive in and connect – without merging and clinging, and without holding back and resenting – is the evidence of love.

When you love women and desire them in every moment and with all of your heart and soul, when you can love women as they are, whether they are joyful, sad, excited or angry, you have transcended the fear that women tend to inspire in men. When you fully love and accept women, you see them as people with a purpose, as equals, as powerful agents of change, and as an inspiration. You invite women to be their whole selves because their bigness does not threaten you or make you feel small. Through living the 9 Qualities, you can be with a woman from a place of power and bravery, a place of true Cockfidence.

Each week, we post on our blog a portion of a chapter in our upcoming book for men, Cockfidence – The Extraordinary Lover’s Guide to Being the Man You Want to Be and Driving Women Wild. Cockfidence shares the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Sensuality is the ninth quality and the ninth chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 9 – Sensuality —

G-Spot Orgasms:

Some people say that women reach their sexual peak at 40. While this is not hormonally accurate, we believe this might be particularly true for women who discover G-Spot pleasure later in life. G-Spot stimulation can add a whole new level of pleasure to your partner’s sex life, substantially increasing her orgasmic potential.

The most important piece of information that you and your partner need to know about the G-Spot is that its capacity for sensation develops throughout a woman’s lifetime. Some women believe that they don’t have a G-Spot because, when the area is touched, they don’t feel immediate sensation or arousal. They may even feel some irritation. This just means that the G-Spot has not yet been developed to its full potential. To awaken the G-Spot, you need to massage it and give it focused stimulation over time.

For a small percentage of women, the G-Spot develops early and is naturally where they feel a lot of sensation. However, for many women, the G-Spot has not yet been developed and it can take weeks or sometimes even a year of consistent stimulation for a woman to feel pleasure from it. Unfortunately, because many women have been told that the G-Spot is a myth, when they feel numbness or irritation from G-Spot stimulation, they give up and don’t explore the potential pleasure that is there for them.

Here we will detail locating and massaging techniques for the G-Spot, and bringing your partner’s entire body along for the ride….

We just answered a message we found on a Men’s Health blog and wanted to share it with you.

Q: My wife and I want to spice things up, but she says she doesn’t have any fantasies she wants to fulfill. Is that possible?

A: We have found that women often freeze up in response to questions about fantasies. In answer to your question about how to spice up your sex life and find out more about women’s fantasies we’d like to offer you an excerpt from our upcoming book – Cockfidence – “Each woman has her own ideal seduction ‘movie’ – an assortment of thoughts about the kind of seduction that she wants to experience with her partner. Many women have daydreams about how they want their relationships with men to look, and what kinds of looks, words, acts, and gestures would fill their hearts and wet their pussies, but they often don’t identify these thoughts as fantasies because they are not overtly sexual. This is especially true for women whose ideal seduction fantasy is Romantic.”

Women’s fantasies of seduction generally fall into one or a combination of 3 categories – Romantic, Passionate, and Dominant – which we cover in depth in the upcoming book. To get a better answer to your question about your partner’s fantasy, try asking a woman what her perfect date would look like from beginning to end – this should give you plenty of hints into her ideal seduction.

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Spontaneity, (or the combination of  creativity and Flexibility) is the eight quality and the eight chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 8 – Spontaneity —

Nothing captures the idea of the passionate seduction more than the passionate kiss, depicted in so many movies by this time it might look cliché to you, but it doesn’t look or feel cliché to woman. It is important to begin with a passionate look, letting all of the animalistic desire come in to yours eyes and hold it before jumping right into a kiss. If you go too quickly to the kiss, you don’t allow any tension and excitement to build. When you wait, you allow yourself and her to build into a frenzy of desire where you can’t rip each other’s clothes off fast enough. Make sure you aren’t spilling your passion all over her; at the beginning, hold it in your eyes, and invite her energy to come to you. When you feel she is locked in, then set your inner animal free.

There are some common pitfalls with passion. You may fear that desiring women in this way is objectifying and that she will feel like you only want her for sex. On the contrary, being desired intensely is one of the most common fantasies women have. At the same time, she also wants to know that you are connected to her. You do this by bringing in eye contact, saying her name passionately, or commenting specifically on the things that drive you crazy about her.

You may also fear that bringing this kind of energy will overwhelm a woman as though women are delicate and easily broken. This could cause you to hold back your passion, especially if you feel that you have too much or that it will not be received. On the contrary, most women’s bodies are strong enough to receive all the passion you have in your body for her and more. She may be surprised by it at first, which is why it takes confidence to stay with the feeling and not allow her embarrassment or surprise to pull you both out of it. Instead, with your passionate look and your focused confidence, you pull her into the hottest experiences you have ever had.

While conservatives often deny their need for sexual variety, it  turns out that the states that are full of folks claiming  “I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage” are the same states that purchase the most porn. New research published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives shows that those states whose residents vote more conservatively and support such statements as “AIDS might be God’s punishment for immoral sexual behavior” actually purchase slightly more porn than more liberally voting states. Sex is one of our most basic and natural drives, and sexual repression and sex negativity sends our desires underground where they are bound to come out many ways. In light of this recent research, we want to reach out to everyone, regardless of your values, your politics or your sexual practices; we are here to support you in embracing your sexual desire and finding your fullest, most healthy expression of it.

In honor of the Giants winning the World Series (yay Giants!), we figured we’d offer a few brief words about sex and baseball. Baseball, like every other sport or physical activity, takes a certain kind of body-based learning. Do you think that the first time Renteria picked up a bat, he hit a home run? No way. And, as with baseball and any type of embodied learning, being a great lover takes more than just practice, it also takes a great coach! ;-) Let’s stay with the home run metaphor for a minute. Technique is very important, but there’s so much more – just having a great swing still won’t get you a home run. There’s having the desire, the confidence and the passion to do it, there’s knowing and playing by the rules, picking up on the pitcher’s pitches, and feeling into your own body and knowing what you are capable of. Much of the information out there on being a great lover is so limited to technique, however, that you might learn the perfect swing but will never get yourself a big-league at-bat to show it off. If you really want your lover to have unforgettable experiences with you over and over, you gotta bring all of yourself – desire in your eyes, confidence in your hands, connection with your passion and intention in your kiss. You have to read your lover’s cues, and be connected with them. Don’t just settle for a great swing – be the best player.  We’re here if you need us, we want to be your Bruce Bochy of Sex.

Picking up women can be a real challenge, and men are trying to figure out what to say – as if finding the right topic will be like a magic pill helping both you and she relax. However, studies have shown that it matters very little what you say, just initiating a talk puts you way above the pack. But we also wanted to expand on this and give you a simple tool to really help you draw women in. The idea is to “contact” her emotions or the emotional content of what she is saying.

The steps are simple, but may not be easy :-) especially if you are not used to paying attention to (or registering) what the emotions that are going on in another person. Here they are:

1) Breathe down and connect with your body
2) Notice what you are feeling (happy, tired, excited, sad, anxious, etc.), giving it room and allowing it to be there. The more you are in touch with yourself and your emotions, the more you can read hers.
3) Begin a conversation with a woman. You might invite her in some way to talk about things of interest to her, “So what are you passionate about?” or “What get’s you out of bed in the morning,” or “Where’s your favorite place to play in this city?”
4) Once she begins to share any stories about her life, goals, experiences, notice how she feels about what she is sharing and comment on it, “Sounds, exciting,” “That really moves you, huh?”, “Kinda depressing, right?”.

This way she knows you are not only listening to her story, you are competent in the emotional realm. If you don’t have a lot of emotional words to choose from, try googling emotion words, there are tons of great lists out there and knowing them might just help you express yourself in more exciting and interesting ways as well.

Good luck out there!