Exposed

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Curiosity is the seventh quality and the seventh chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 7 – Curiosity —

Often, when a man enters into an experience with a particular woman, he can attempt to avoid any perceived “negative” experiences and skirt around any challenges. This can result in the man being very outcome-driven, self-critical, judgmental or fearful,.  This approach hinders the natural flow of energy between two people, and makes it much more likely that an interaction will end up feeling difficult, stilted and unsatisfactory.

A much more comfortable place from which to approach women – and the world in general – is from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is a way of looking at each new experience from a receptive, open place, without judgment or any sense of what the outcome might be. You just feel an experience in the moment. Taking this approach gives you an opportunity to see what you can learn about yourself and the women in your life.

This state of open curiosity need not only apply when you are connecting with a woman for the first time, but can be an ongoing approach. The beauty of curiosity is that it allows for the natural joys and challenges that happen over time between two people. An ongoing state of curiosity also acknowledges that either you or the woman you are interacting with can and will change over time. So often in relationships a desire to control the unknown leads to stagnation and boredom. An attitude of curiosity joyfully invites the unknown, making room for ongoing growth, excitement and passion between you and your partner.
In this chapter, we offer you information about women that might help you better understand their different psychology and biology. This information is general information that is true about most women. While we offer generalizations, make sure to stay curious about the unique ways that these show up in your partner.

We recently received a great question from Nick, who was interested in issues around the smells and tastes that come up with Oral Sex. We know this is a common issue and though we’d post the answer for everyone to share and discuss!

Nick Writes:

“I’m hoping you might be able to provide some advice on a sensitive issue – do you have any quick tips for men to learn how to enjoy giving oral sex to women, or can you point me to any self-study resources? I’ve never really liked it. I know this is horrible to say, but it’s generally a fear of the feel and smell. (I’m a very picky eater when it comes to food, avoiding those foods with weird textures or smells, and I think that extends to the human body. I just don’t like putting strange things in my mouth…)

“Part of the problem, too, is that I’ve been trained via porn to expect a certain ideal appearance down there, even though I know that porn bodies aren’t real bodies…

“If you have some tips or can point me in a direction, it would be appreciated!”

–

Our answer:  Dear Nick,

I know it can be challenging when you are very particular about tastes, smells and sights to really get into the joys that giving a woman oral sex can bring. A few ideas:

1) Buy a book (or find a similar online source) that has pictures of a wide variety of vaginas and try masturbating to different types, especially those that you are less used to or comfortable with. You might use some other types of arousing images and then intersperse images of different kinds of vaginas in while you are masturbating,
2) Ask if she could shower before you have sex.
3) Put something flavorful that you like on her pussy before having oral sex. Kama Sutra makes a great powdered product called “honey dust”. Avoid other flavored sex products, most of them are quite terrible. If you use something sugary, make sure she washes thoroughly after, especially inside her vagina so she doesn’t get a yeast infection. (Another note – strawberries have tiny seeds that break off easily – not something you notice in your mouth but something to avoid for the vagina!)

I (Celeste) walked into Madame S innocently enough; I was coming to replace a set of leather cuffs and anklets I had given to some friends for their wedding present. The saleswoman, let’s call her Sherie, was extremely helpful and I walked out with a bag of tricks that would rival any suicide girl’s wardrobe. It started with an inquiry about fur-lined cuffs and what might be the best toys to get for our upcoming couple’s workshop. Sherie was so helpful, I thought to myself, “maybe I should see what it’s like to try on some latex”. After she helped me adjust my latex, which I had to use body lube to slide into, I realized that I had to have some shoes to go with it. She was such a good bottom she generously kneeled down at my feet and helped me put them on, looking up at me and directly into my eyes the entire time. I started to think she was having as much fun (or maybe more!) putting my shoes on for me as I was receiving her help. I knew I would have fun with my new outfit and toys once I got them home, but I never realized how much fun it would be to buy them!

In this consumer society, dating has turned into a science of the mind, a calculated process in which you are supposed to identify your Key Requirements and Dealbreakers and go directly to the “job interview”. This is when you sit across from each other on a first date over coffee, drinks or food and ask each other horrible questions like, “What was your last relationship like” and “do you want kids” and “are you interested in marriage?” while you stutter and try to be impressive and look for red flags and mostly don’t feel anything at all. It is no wonder that most people look at dating as a terrible chore, a necessary evil that they must endure in order to experience sex, intimacy and relationships. Not surprising considering that so many people out there are approaching dating, checklist in hand, ready to cross people off at the slightest provocation, or, perhaps worse, trying to create a relationship with someone who they feel absolutely nothing for but who fits all of their pre-conceived pre-requisites. Women say things like, “He seems so great on paper, I’m just not attracted to him at all. Do you think there is something wrong with me?” The answer is YES, what is wrong is that you are CHECKLIST DATING. Dating in San Francisco, I (Celeste) actually had men ask me, “don’t you have any questions for me?” They seemed astonished that I wanted to spend the first date just getting a feel for the person and, most importantly, how I felt when I was with them. The biggest problem with checklist dating is that it assumes humans actually know what they want all the time and that their desires never change, yet any marketing researcher can tell you that people make decisions based on emotion as much as they’d like to think they are making decisions that are reasonable or logical. We can’t tell you how many times we have worked with men and women who have said that they weren’t ready for a relationship and, within a month, had met a person they were really interested in and chose to start a relationship or swore they would never move out of San Francisco and then got married to someone and off they went. In the face of this, we propose a different kind of dating, what we call EMBODIED DATING, a process during which you could actually enjoy yourself and the experience for exactly what it is, AN EXPERIENCE, a time to see how you feel with another person and who you are when you are relating, a time to play with someone and see if you play well together, a time to see if you feel happy, excited and TURNED ON by the other person and to see and feel into what is possible for the two of you. Next time you go on a date, we suggest you leave your checklist at home, just this once, and share an actual experience with someone. For more on embodied dating click here.

Sure, our pussies change over our lifetime, but we certainly weren’t expecting these changes to feel soooooooooooo good! When we first became business partners neither one of us were G-spot girls; we had spent our childhood masturbatory explorations and our adult sexual experiences completely clit-focused. And then we discovered perhaps one of the best-kept secrets of female sexuality. Namely, the sensitivity of the G-spot and a woman’s potential for mind-blowing G-spot orgasm develops over time. Don’t get us wrong, clitoral orgasms are GREAT and we would never want to promote a hierarchy of orgasm, but we do want women to know that their orgasms can be both multi AND multi-dimensional. Over the past 3 years of G-spot exploration, both of our G-spots have grown larger and developed extraordinary sensitivity. And we’ve both learned to ejaculate, sometimes with and sometimes without orgasm. The clit at times can feel like a fuse, you might need it to light up, but eventually you get to the BOMB – explosive internal orgasms that shoot through your body and make you scream. And, you can add another dimension by accessing the G-spot anally, or by giving the cervix stimulation as well. The more dimensions, the more intensity and the more you will want. We don’t want any woman to miss out on her potential to be as big sexually and emotionally as she can be!

We don’t know about you boys, but we can tell you one game many of us girls played as young folks was a game called Dress Up. Playing Dress Up meant donning our favorite fairy princess dress or sequined tutu, adding a little imagination and we were in for hours of entertainment. As sex and intimacy coaches, we always say, “Sex is where adults go to play”. Why not use the summer warmth of June as inspiration to play your own adult game of Dress Up? Dress Up can have many meanings, everything from brushing off that tux and evening gown and having a romantic candle-lit dinner at home, to remembering the joys of playing doctor, except this time you can go get yourself a lab coat, some black vinyl gloves and a thermometer and keep track as temperatures rise. What did you always want to be when you grew up? A fireman? A flight attendant? An astronaut? It’s not too late, at least not the in bedroom. Find yourself a fireman’s hat and you are half-way there. If you are lucky, the hat’s all you’ll need! If your coupled, play with a partner. If you are single, try dressing up and trying out a new persona out in the world – you may find a whole new sense of confidence!

Just about everyone has a fantasy or set of fantasies about what their best sexual experience would look like (your “movie”), yet, we rarely share these desires with our partner. Most people are scared to share their true fantasies of what their movie looks like – let’s face it, it is probably one of the most private and vulnerable risks you can take. At the same time, the payoff is IMMENSE!

You like Red movies, your partner likes Blue movies, every time you want to see a movie together, you compromise and see a Purple movie. The problem is, neither of you REALLY LOVES purple movies and you come home every time not quite satisfied. Many couple’s sex lives looks like this. If you are really lucky, your lover has a similar movie to you, but this is actually very rare. This month, we invite you to identify your movie, the character(s), the action, the set and, if you are coupled, we challenge you to share this deepest part of yourself with your partner. When you share there are two ESSENTIAL RULES:

1) NO JUDGEMENTS – Everyone’s fantasies are beautiful, whether or not you want to share in them.

2) YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR BOUNDARIES – While it is a beautiful gift to give your partner to really dive into the role of guest star in their movie, you also have a right to say which parts you are ready to try now, and which parts you might want to add in later. There may be some parts you never partake in, but we suggest you don’t shut the door to anything FOREVER, you never know, you might just change your mind…

If you would like some help identifying and sharing your deepest desires, of becoming the writer, producer and director of your own beautiful movie, we are always available for individual and couple’s coaching.

If you’ve never masturbated outside with the sun shining on your body, if you’ve never shared breath with your partner as your lips barely touched, stepped foot in a sex toy store or took a sexy class, now is the time! You won’t know whether you enjoy something or not unless you actively give it a try! In the process, you may find that your sexuality and your turn-ons are much more complex, interesting, wild or tender than you may have thought.

Sometimes when we suggest that people make a sex date with themselves or their sweethearts, they say, “but that sounds forced, shouldn’t it just be spontaneous?” That’s what they say until they actually try it. Once they try they say, “I can’t believe how wonderful it was to set aside a full evening for sex and sensuality. I felt relaxed, open, and like I could fully dive in and enjoy myself.” We suggest you try a sex date with your self or your sweetheart. Make sure that you take a little bit of time to plan the date, try a new toy or outfit or place you haven’t been sexual before and take a few minutes to connect through breath, eye gazing or telling yourself or each other some sweet or sexy thoughts. Make this little bit of extra effort and watch how your days are filled with passion and how time melts away between your thighs.

It always amazes us how much information and transformation happens when we begin to coach experientially and hands-on with couples. While talking and learning to communicate face to face is very productive, when it comes to sex, much of the communication is non-verbal. Many people find it challenging to communicate their desires, to check on their partner if they are not sure that they are engaged in the sexual encounter, and to tell a partner when they are or aren’t enjoying themselves.

When we introduce hands on coaching to couples, some get nervous: “Do you want us to have sex in front of you?” As much as it might sound arousing to the reader, it can also be scary, and bring taboos and fears immediately to the surface – therefore we always stay within a couple’s comfort level. When a couple begins touching each other in the coaching room, a whole different aspect of their relating appears in the room. For example, when they explore a connecting breath, they might find out that they have strong connection on a heart level but nowhere else, they just aren’t feeling each other sexually. When they begin caressing each other, even when it comes to face and hand caresses, the real dynamics between them surface. When we see people interact at this level of intimacy, we can target our coaching much more quickly. For example, we might find that one partner is very dominant and that the other partner is terrified to move or touch with confidence. We might see that one is too focused on orgasm, and forgets to have fun (this is exactly when orgasms become stubborn and sneaky, and gets away from us without peaking). We love helping couples connect when they touch, caress, and make love. We love helping them ask for what they want and communicate their desires. We love watching them realize that YES – there is hope for their sexual relationship. We love watching them connect on a deeper, more fulfilling and more intimate level.