Exposed

Protecting your partner from something potentially damaging or hurtful sends a powerful message to your partner that you don’t trust them. Regardless of how important it is for you to keep things flowing along smoothly, relationships experience and need to be able to survive the natural ups and downs of life. Disappointment and elation, frustration and contentment, anger and happiness are all part of a healthy, lasting relationship. Keeping secrets to save the relationship or your partner from disappointment, frustration or anger, or any of the emotions some judge as “negative” – is not allowing the richness and fulness of a relationship.  Keeping important information away from others (in any relationship) narrows the spectrum of emotional sharing and, by letting your fears close you off, you begin pattern of closing yourself off in general. Allowing yourself privacy and boundaries is a great thing, but as Dr. Tammy Nelson writes, negotiate what you want to be a part of your relationship and what is safe for the relationship in terms of “Privacy” – in other words, keep mindful watch as to what you are keeping from your partner, and much more importantly – WHY you are keeping it from them. It could be keeping you from a richer relationship full of growth and true connection!

People come to us all the time feeling guilty about their needs in the bedroom. Instead of being really clear about what they want and seeing whether their partner is up for it or not, they don’t ask at all or only ask for a small percentage of what they need, feeling that everything in the bedroom needs to be tit for tat.

Our clients, let’s call them Sean and Carmen, were a perfect example of this. Carmen really enjoys receiving touch and needs plenty all-over body caressing, grabbing, and kissing in order to get to the height of her arousal, yet she felt really guilty about her desire to receive and her lack of interest in caressing Sean back. In separate sessions, she shared this while her partner Sean admitted somewhat shyly that what he loved more than anything was giving, and that he felt most turned on by previous partners who had acted like a queen the bedroom. He was a bit disappointed that Carmen was always trying to give back equally and continued trying to ask her for what she wanted, to no avail. Once we finally created a space for them to have an open conversation, they couldn’t believe they had spent 19 years of marriage never talking about their real desires. They happen to be a perfect match.

Of course, not every couple who comes with us fits as perfectly as Sean and Carmen. When going to the “negotiating table” with your partner over all things sex-related and otherwise, why not start by asking for 100% of what you want, encouraging them to do the same and then seeing what is possible in relationship to each of your desires and boundaries. Think about it, if you start by asking for 50% and then compromise, you will probably end up with 30% and 30% is not enough. If you ask for 100%, first of all, you just might get it. Secondly, you have a much greater chance of getting at least 70% or 80% which, for most of us, is plenty! Sometimes, the thought of asking for what you really want can bring up fear of judgement or insecurities, if you need help, we are here!

One final thought: when it comes to differing needs and capacities around sex, unlike in other areas of your life, if you are choosing monogamy, there is no option to outsource those needs. Stay tuned to our blog for an upcoming series on Commitment, Monogamy and Cheating to find out about how couples handle differing desires in both monogamous and non-monogamous agreements and what you can do if you are a couple experiencing differing needs and capacities around sex.

Relationships aren’t fair. In our practice, we see a lot of hurt come from the idea that people are supposed to have perfect equality in relationship on everything from work to child-rearing, from emotional support to time with friends. What the idea of fairness misses is the fact that any two people in a relationship have very different Needs and very different Capacities. For example, we saw a couple, let’s call them Bob and Susan – Bob had a very high need for interpersonal connection both inside and outside of the relationship. He loved spending intimate time with his wife and he also found spending time with his friends, his hiking group and his extended family extremely fulfilling, yet he spent almost all of his time alone with Susan. In talking through it, we found that Susan was much more of an introvert, and really didn’t want to spend time with other people much. He felt that this was bad for her and constantly tried to get her to go places with him. She would agree and cancel at the last minute, and he would feel bad and would stay home with her instead of going out himself, building frustration, resentment and some depression in the process. She, on the other hand, was delighted when he would go by himself and come home with fun stories to share. Once he realized that her introversion was not a sickness and that she was ok with him being with friends and family, he began to feel much more free to take the time he needed with friends, social hobbies and family instead of trying to make things fair.

Another example were a couple who we will call Chelsea and Paco – Paco was one of the most hard workers we had ever seen – he loved his business and seemed to thrive on his success. Chelsea was also an extremely hard worker, in the process of trying to make partner in a law firm. However, unlike Paco, the amount she was working seemed to be literally killing her. She was getting sick constantly, losing weight from her already too-skinny frame, and felt worn out all the time – they came to us because, not surprisingly, she had almost no libido. The problem was that she felt obligated to work as hard and earn as much as Paco, even though she clearly had a different capacity. Paco was beside himself because he was much more interested in a healthy wife and felt completely comfortable with the idea of her going part time if it meant she might be happy, healthy and horny again. It took a while to realize that what made her important wasn’t about earning the same as Paco, but about just being herself – that he loved her for her and didn’t need her to kill herself in order to do it. When she finally decided to go part time, she began feeling healthy and excited about life and about Paco again. The bottom line is that it is actually impossible to measure the things that each person offers in a relationship, however, taking some time to be honest with yourself and your partner about your actual needs and capacities will really help you work as a true team, where you make room for the differences and where each of your strengths can shine!

We suggest you look at the following topics: housework, child-rearing, earning, emotional work (keeping connections and sharing and supporting feelings in the immediate family, the extended family and with friends), and sexual relationship. If you find resentments or frustrations in the differences between you and your partner, send us an email at info@celesteanddanielle.com, we’d love to help! Also, stay tuned for our upcoming blog on Fairness in the Bedroom!