Exposed

“Women reach their sexual peak at age 35. Men reach theirs at 18. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We reach our sexual peak just as they’re coming to realize they have a favorite chair?” – Comedienne Rita Rudner

We love Rita and her wonderful commentary on the confusing belief about women’s sexual peak, and we want to unravel some misconceptions about a woman’s sexual peak vs. her physiological peak to help you understand your own sexual maturation.

Women reach their hormonal sexual peak during their teens (puberty), just the same way that boys do. As we grow older, especially in our late 30s, our hormonal levels decrease, decreasing our physiological sexual drive. This means as we age, our bodies desire sex less. (With spikes in desire around ovulation and menstruation until menopause.) After menopause, our bodies want sex less overall and we lose the spikes.  Thus, our physiological sexual peak happens in our teens – so why do we say women reach their sexual peak at 35? It has nothing to do with hormones and everything to do with the society we live in.

Although we may be in our hormonal peak just after puberty, girls are warned of the dangers of sex: pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and being seen as a slut. We then distance from our sexuality. Eventually women begin to figure out what they want sexually and begin to be much more direct in asking for it. (This usually happens from running across a lover who is attentive, attuned and skilled, or from reading about sexual pleasure, learning from friends or learning through self-pleasuring.) This learning leads to what has been commonly known as our “sexual peak.” Sex feels better and we generally learn how to orgasm more consistently or even how to have multiple orgasms. Often, a woman’s G-Spot is awakened in their 30s and they have the ability to have G-Spot or combination orgasms.

The earlier you begin learning about and expanding your own sexual responsiveness the more your hormones support this learning. Beginning sooner rather than later gives you the opportunity to embody your highest sexual potential. And remember, it is never too late! If you want to find out what is on the menu for you sexually so you can expand your responsiveness, your desire for sex and find out more about what’s in it for you come see us for some coaching! You can also gain a lot of information about yourself from reading the second half of Cockfidence (and more information about men by reading the first half) and your partner can become more sensitive and attuned by attending Cockfidence: The Workshop. Our dream for you is that you know what you want, know how to ask for it and get it in every area of your life from relationship to work, from sex to friendships and in everything else – we are here to help. Call us any time if you have any questions. We answer our phones and would love to talk! (415) 336-3258

When we think of men’s mid-life crises, what often comes to mind is a 40+ year old man in a red, shiny hot-rod running off with some younger woman to find himself. The popular representations of this in the media paint these men as childish and selfish and the movie fantasy is generally that he wises up, realizes the error of his ways, repents and returns to his wife and family. We think this popular depiction misses the point in so many ways. Firstly, it does not address the underlying emotional, physiological and societal reasons for this phenomenon. Namely, that men’s bodies experience an abrupt and significant change in ability right around age 40, many men’s fathers are getting old or dying when they are in their 40s and men are questioning if they will be allowed to live their lives the way they want to before they themselves die and, finally, that the definition of what it is to be a “good husband” and “good father” rarely leaves space for men to continue doing the things they love to do in life without being deemed selfish and uncaring.

Men who live their lives based on obligations and the women who support them in doing this (and who don’t explore their own personal needs and desires) are all part of the set-up that creates the phenomenon of the mid-life crises. We believe the mid-life crises is completely avoidable, however, it takes a commitment to a different kind of relationship agreement then the one most couples have. Firstly, it takes a commitment on the part of both partners to admit your own desires to yourself. Then it takes a willingness to rock the boat with skillful, honest and open communication about what it is you actually want. Next, it takes a commitment to celebrate each others desires no matter what they are. And, finally, it takes the courage to decide, as a team, whether or how they can fit in your lives and enhance the relationship. If you are willing to create space for all of who you are and all of who your partner is in your relationship, no one needs to run away in order to get what they want!

You are in a relationship. You are both intelligent people who love and care for one another. You want your relationship to be great and yet, for reasons you cannot figure out, you end up in the same conversation or with the same fights over and over again. We call this The Relationship Vortex – it is the place where your deepest hurts touch your partners deepest hurts and their deepest hurts touch yours.

When both partners have their wounds lit up at the same time, both are in what we call the “trauma zone,” where you begin to go into habitual, protective behaviors that are familiar and seem safe but are hurting your connection and intimacy with one another. Here’s an example: Caroline has a deep wound around abandonment while Joseph was highly criticized as a child. Every time Caroline tries to talk with Joseph about her needs in the relationship, he feels criticized and shuts down. As soon as she sees him shutting down, she begins to feel that old familiar abandonment feeling and starts to panic, coming after Joseph even more. He finally gets so frustrated, he storms out, leaving her feeling even more hurt and alone. After a few days of distance, they tentatively reunite, but none of the deeper hurts is ever addressed and no one learns anything about what the other person actually needs in order to stay present.

When you learn to stay present, uncover the deeper wounds and the ways you are stepping on them, it is possible to have a connected, loving and productive conversation, even about the most difficult topics. Through these kinds of conversations and the experiential practices that go with them, some kind of resolution can happen so that new patterns and habits, based on trust and mutual understanding can build. After all, the most successful relationships are not those that avoid conflict, but those that know how to come back together quickly and continue to work as a team once conflict has begun. Working as a team once conflict has begun might sound impossible, but we teach couples to do this all the time creating so much more harmony in the relationship, which makes more time for the fun things in life – intimacy, fun, playfulness, sex and love!