Exposed

Picking up women can be a real challenge, and men are trying to figure out what to say – as if finding the right topic will be like a magic pill helping both you and she relax. However, studies have shown that it matters very little what you say, just initiating a talk puts you way above the pack. But we also wanted to expand on this and give you a simple tool to really help you draw women in. The idea is to “contact” her emotions or the emotional content of what she is saying.

The steps are simple, but may not be easy :-) especially if you are not used to paying attention to (or registering) what the emotions that are going on in another person. Here they are:

1) Breathe down and connect with your body
2) Notice what you are feeling (happy, tired, excited, sad, anxious, etc.), giving it room and allowing it to be there. The more you are in touch with yourself and your emotions, the more you can read hers.
3) Begin a conversation with a woman. You might invite her in some way to talk about things of interest to her, “So what are you passionate about?” or “What get’s you out of bed in the morning,” or “Where’s your favorite place to play in this city?”
4) Once she begins to share any stories about her life, goals, experiences, notice how she feels about what she is sharing and comment on it, “Sounds, exciting,” “That really moves you, huh?”, “Kinda depressing, right?”.

This way she knows you are not only listening to her story, you are competent in the emotional realm. If you don’t have a lot of emotional words to choose from, try googling emotion words, there are tons of great lists out there and knowing them might just help you express yourself in more exciting and interesting ways as well.

Good luck out there!

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book for men. This book holds the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Curiosity is the seventh quality and the seventh chapter – here is a small taste:

— Chapter 7 – Curiosity —

Often, when a man enters into an experience with a particular woman, he can attempt to avoid any perceived “negative” experiences and skirt around any challenges. This can result in the man being very outcome-driven, self-critical, judgmental or fearful,.  This approach hinders the natural flow of energy between two people, and makes it much more likely that an interaction will end up feeling difficult, stilted and unsatisfactory.

A much more comfortable place from which to approach women – and the world in general – is from a place of curiosity. Curiosity is a way of looking at each new experience from a receptive, open place, without judgment or any sense of what the outcome might be. You just feel an experience in the moment. Taking this approach gives you an opportunity to see what you can learn about yourself and the women in your life.

This state of open curiosity need not only apply when you are connecting with a woman for the first time, but can be an ongoing approach. The beauty of curiosity is that it allows for the natural joys and challenges that happen over time between two people. An ongoing state of curiosity also acknowledges that either you or the woman you are interacting with can and will change over time. So often in relationships a desire to control the unknown leads to stagnation and boredom. An attitude of curiosity joyfully invites the unknown, making room for ongoing growth, excitement and passion between you and your partner.
In this chapter, we offer you information about women that might help you better understand their different psychology and biology. This information is general information that is true about most women. While we offer generalizations, make sure to stay curious about the unique ways that these show up in your partner.

We recently received a great question from Nick, who was interested in issues around the smells and tastes that come up with Oral Sex. We know this is a common issue and though we’d post the answer for everyone to share and discuss!

Nick Writes:

“I’m hoping you might be able to provide some advice on a sensitive issue – do you have any quick tips for men to learn how to enjoy giving oral sex to women, or can you point me to any self-study resources? I’ve never really liked it. I know this is horrible to say, but it’s generally a fear of the feel and smell. (I’m a very picky eater when it comes to food, avoiding those foods with weird textures or smells, and I think that extends to the human body. I just don’t like putting strange things in my mouth…)

“Part of the problem, too, is that I’ve been trained via porn to expect a certain ideal appearance down there, even though I know that porn bodies aren’t real bodies…

“If you have some tips or can point me in a direction, it would be appreciated!”

–

Our answer:  Dear Nick,

I know it can be challenging when you are very particular about tastes, smells and sights to really get into the joys that giving a woman oral sex can bring. A few ideas:

1) Buy a book (or find a similar online source) that has pictures of a wide variety of vaginas and try masturbating to different types, especially those that you are less used to or comfortable with. You might use some other types of arousing images and then intersperse images of different kinds of vaginas in while you are masturbating,
2) Ask if she could shower before you have sex.
3) Put something flavorful that you like on her pussy before having oral sex. Kama Sutra makes a great powdered product called “honey dust”. Avoid other flavored sex products, most of them are quite terrible. If you use something sugary, make sure she washes thoroughly after, especially inside her vagina so she doesn’t get a yeast infection. (Another note – strawberries have tiny seeds that break off easily – not something you notice in your mouth but something to avoid for the vagina!)

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that allow men to reclaim their sense of power and freedom, understand and express their sexual desires, and drive women wild sexually.  Empathy is the sixth quality and the sixth chapter – here is a brief excerpt:

— Chapter 6 – Empathy —

Your ability to empathize has a huge bearing on your sex life, and particularly on whether you are going to get sex, how often, and how good the sex will be. When you tune into your own emotions by feeling the sensations in your body, you will begin not only to feel when a woman desires you, but specifically what her body wants in sexual and intimate situations. Imagine your body is an antennae for her feelings – you can’t be in her body, but you can listen to her through your own.

Men are often taught to distance from their own emotions in order to appear strong. Distancing from your own emotions, however, decreases your sense of empathy, making it more difficult for you to read a woman’s emotions, including sexual desires and cues. By fully connecting with your own body and your emotions, you can stop intellectualizing emotions and start feeling them; instead of thinking about what your partner is feeling, you actually feel it.

Embodied empathy also sensitizes your radar towards her more difficult emotions such as sadness and anger, allowing you to catch early warnings signs. This helps interrupt the escalation of drama and fights. With a little bit of practice, you can enhance your embodied empathy increasing your likelihood to have more great sex and less drama.

We saw this Elle article on sexless marriage and thought you might be interested. Plus, we wanted to put in our two cents! In our practice, we see sexless marriages or marriages in which one person has a much higher drive than the other quite often (and it’s not always men who have the higher drive). While it is true that there are small minority of couples out there who have found happiness in a sexless marriage, more often than not, either one of them or both are not happy with the arrangement. While the article talks about the causes and the question of contentment within a sexual marriage, it doesn’t talk about effective ways out if the couple isn’t happy with it. What we have found is that most couples don’t realize that keeping sex alive means being proactive, communicative and open to change and novelty.

We recently saw a couple in a sexless marriage who complained “we went to other sex therapists who gave us homework that we never did and then we just ended up quitting.” Just talking has very little effect on people’s sexual connection. To help this couple (and many others) find the spark again, we worked experientially, with everything from kissing practice to communicating about their deepest fantasies. Communicating, however, wasn’t enough. We then had them practice with touch, tone of voice, what each person wanted to hear and how to pump up intensity. If you want to make your sex life last a lifetime, you can’t just shoot for “good enough”, you have to shoot for the moon, and create an atmosphere where there can be ongoing playfulness, passion and creativity.

We continue our blog-per-week from a chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that will allow men to reclaim their sense of power, understand and express their sexual desires, drive women wild sexually, and maintain their personal sense of freedom.  Passion is the fifth quality and the fifth chapter – here is a brief excerpt:

— Chapter 5 – Passion —

Men rarely have a chance to develop a true enjoyment of their own desire as an essential part of their masculinity. Early on, you were given messages from parents, friends, television, religious institutions and schools about both men’s and women’s sexuality. As boys, you probably got the message, at least covertly, that men are sexual and that this sexuality is a natural, animalistic drive. At the same time, you may have gotten the message that this drive is overpowering, wrong, and dangerous and that you have to learn how to temper and control it. In other situations, you may have been given the message you should go out and exercise this drive as much as you want to. You should, “sew your wild oats” and “play the field.”

At the same time, both you and the girls around you were told that girls are not really sexual people, and men are often told that their sexual drive will not be received or reciprocated by women. In your own life, the combination of these two messages – that boys have an overpowering, animalistic sexuality and that girls are basically without a sexual drive – most likely led you to feel at least some level of discomfort with your sexuality. At worst, it caused you to lose touch with your own sexual power and confidence in your desires.

Your desire for women, sex, and pleasure are the most natural desires you have – they are built in to your body in order for the species to survive. However, often when men feel desire and they have been told that it is wrong, the desire makes them anxious. As soon as it arises, they feel like they have to DO something about it.

The next time you see a gorgeous woman that you want to have sex with, try standing up straight, taking a deep breath, and feeling your desire flow through your body. Feel how good it feels that you still have this desire in your body; it means that you are alive and inspired, it is really not about her and there is nothing to DO about it…

We were delighted to read the news this week that funding for abstinence only education has been cut drastically and that a large grant now exists for a more (and in some cases a much more) comprehensive sexuality education. These new research-supported programs strengthen young people in many aspects of their lives – including work, general education, and life skills.

While we are delighted that these programs are expanding their purview, we feel there is an even better way to approach sex education. This country already places plenty of emphasis on its work ethic – what we feel what is missing in our education as a country is an ethic of pleasure. We imagine a world in which every person feels entitled to having and giving pleasure. A world in which each person is also taught to take account of other’s pleasure and make sure we are sharing pleasure with others instead of taking it from them without regard for their needs or feelings. Sex education, without pleasure education, is empty and leads to huge, lifetime disappointments around sex in our culture. When it comes to young people, as a culture, we fear talking about pleasure because we fear that it might encourage young people to have sex. However, young people get messages about the pleasures of sex everywhere – except those from whom they really need it, namely parents and teachers. What people don’t realize is that an ethic of pleasure is also protective for young people. Research on young girls’ sexuality found that those who were told that they had a right to pleasure actually ended up making more conscious and communicative decisions around sex, were more likely to wait longer to have it, and were more likely to use protection when they did. We hope someday to live in a world that is based on an ethic of pleasure – having it, giving it, and receiving it – and we hope that sex education for people of all ages will have pleasure at its foundation.