Exposed

CJ, below, writes to us with a question about a recent incident he had out in the world. We thought his request for advice and our answer was worthy of posting to our blog – as many men face similar dilemmas:

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Dear Celeste & Danielle,

My name is CJ and while googling for advice I discovered your blog.

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago.  It was a public event at an art gallery.  She was an associate professor in her mid thirties. We had been talking for about a half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”.  I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things.  She told me I was being “inappropriate” and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

As I stood there alone rubbing my cheek, I was trying to figure out why she was so upset.  It seemed like a harmless comment to me but maybe I don’t understand women as well I should.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive way of saying she wants no further contact?

CJ
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Dear CJ,

First, I’d like to say that nothing you did warrants a slap in the face, and nothing should warrant that act unless you were threatening or incredibly and purposefully rude – which it sounds like you definitely were not.

There’s two ways to give a compliment – one from a confident, embodied place and one from a place of scarcity and worship. While worship may seem like an admirable quality, putting a woman above you is not healthy for either you or her. (Embodiment, confidence, scarcity and putting women on a pedestal is something we get into in more detail in our workshops and individual sessions).  While we are not big on giving women compliments early in a conversation – here’s a way to translate a compliment – “you’ve got a great hourglass figure” – into something not entirely about her but more about your feelings about her: “I’m really enjoying talking to you.”  There’s a huge difference in these two statements. The former is just an objectification of her (which as you discovered doesn’t always work), while the latter, even though it may not “work” – is not up for argument – it is how you are feeling, and she can choose to acknowledge your feelings or not – but they’re still yours.  When you sense a woman is getting upset with you, it is not the time to go into lengthy explanations or defenses, it is time to take a deep breath, relax and see what she feels went wrong. We have what we like to think of as our patented process for dealing with a woman when she’s emotional which we teach in our workshops and are writing up in our upcoming book. It is highly unlikely that, if you use this process, you will ever get another slap in the face.

This is part of our work -  helping you discover, acknowledge, and communicate your feelings and hers so you can have the best connections with women and with everyone in your life for that matter.

If you would like to do some coaching on how to meet, seduce and stay more connected with women while feeling confident and powerful, we offer phone and in person sessions.

With Pleasure,

Celeste and Danielle

This week we continue a blog-per-week from each chapter in our upcoming book, in which we write about the 9 qualities that will allow men to reclaim their sense of power, understand and express their sexual desires, drive women wild sexually, and maintain their personal sense of freedom.  Generosity is the fourth quality and the fourth chapter:

—– Chapter 4 – Generosity —–

A common example of a potentially generous offering is the backrub. There are two very different ways to give a woman a backrub. The first approach is to offer a backrub as a way to get to sex. You half-heartedly kneed and rub her shoulders trying to figure out how quickly you can begin touching her butt, kissing her neck and getting between her legs.

The second approach is to give a woman a backrub because you feel generous and enjoy seeing her feel relaxed. You take your time, you notice what parts of her body respond and relax under your touch. You enjoy each stroke you are offering. If it leads to sex – great. If not – great! If it is a truly generous backrub, you will actually feel her pleasure in your own body. Both the giver and receiver can feel the same physical pleasure from the same backrub.

There are 6 steps to becoming a truly generous person:
1)    Give what you enjoy giving
2)    Know your boundaries
3)    Face conflicts
4)    Learn to say and hear “no”
5)    Pass your woman’s test
6)    Build communication and trust

We continue our weekly sneak peek of each chapter of our upcoming book with the third chapter. Confidence is the third of nine qualities for men to possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.

— Chapter 3 – Confidence —

If we take a broad-brush approach to the idea of sexual mastery, we can say that blocks to mastery are, in almost every case, perpetuated and exacerbated by anxiety about performance. It is not surprising that a lot of men experience performance anxiety since boys are socialized around having to prove they are always capable and competent. When men doubt their competence they begin to loose confidence in themselves, which leads to performance anxiety.

We do not refer to sexual issues as sexual dysfunctions. This is because many instances of what doctors and sex therapists refer to as sexual dysfunction in this culture are actually functional response to dysfunctional situations or beliefs. In other words, quick ejaculation, inability to get an erection or an inability to orgasm may be your body giving you an important message. It may be saying, “this situation is too anxiety producing for me and I am not comfortable.” Or, it may be saying “When she is critical of me all the time, I don’t really want to go inside there” or “I don’t know how to trust a woman enough to fully let go with her” or, “I’m going to get in and out really quickly because she probably doesn’t like this.”

To regain the confidence of sexual mastery, we focus on the body and of experiencing sensation, not tuning away from it. There are some simple steps to do so, and it begins with slowing down…

This week we continue a blog-per-week from each chapter in our upcoming book – and today we offer you a sneak peek at Chapter 2. In this book we help men learn the 9 qualities that you must possess in order to reclaim your sense of power, understand and express your sexual desires, drive women wild sexually and maintain your personal sense of freedom.  Acceptance is the second quality and the second chapter:

—– Chapter 2 – Acceptance —–

In their purest form anger and sadness are positive emotions with essential information about how you want to live your life. People think of sadness and anger as negative emotions because they make us feel uncomfortable, but it is this discomfort that is emotion’s greatest gift. The discomfort of anger or sadness says “something needs to change.” When men avoid these so-called “negative” emotions, they build up, get stuck and transform into rage, resentment, depression, resignation and hopelessness and no change can occur.
Sometimes, if you have been sitting in these secondary emotions for a while, they begin to feel like home. In fact, they have developed as a way to protect you, a safety zone from which you do not need to try to connect. In order to experience power and intimacy, you must move through these, back to anger or sadness. Delving into these emotions will unleash your confined energy, transforming it into motivation, power, attraction, passion and creativity