Boundaries: The Key to Magical, Healing Relationships

In our work, we talk to people all the time about the importance of knowing their desires and boundaries. It seems obvious why knowing one’s desires would be important : the more we know about what we want, the more likely we are to pursue self-affirming life experiences and enjoy and grow in our lives and selves, right?

But boundaries are often less obvious to people. We’ve even heard some clients say they “don’t have any boundaries”. Yet there’s no question in our minds that we all have them. They are just not very well understood.

So let’s explore the definition of boundaries, talk about why they are important to relationships, and how to share them with your partner lovingly so that they can be heard.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries are a set of personal limits that each of us has as a result of who we are and our life experiences so far. They do not need to be justified or explained. They aren’t logical – they just are.

You know you have hit one of your boundaries when something you are doing or that someone is doing to you feels uncomfortable. The discomfort can be emotional or physical.

How to Know Your Boundaries

Knowing your boundaries is an imperfect process.

There will be times when they are very obvious, and other times when you won’t even realize they have been crossed until well after it has happened. Also, our boundaries are not fixed and can change based on everything from our mood in the moment, to permission, trust, safety, or feeling heard.

One example of a place you might have a boundary in the relationship realm is in how much you are willing to listen to your partner vent. One day, you might be feeling relaxed and curious and have plenty of room. Three days later, you have had a terrible day, your partner starts to vent and you suddenly realize that listening to them is making you feel frustrated and annoyed.

Sexually, you may find that some days you want sex and others you don’t. In other words, some days you don’t have a boundary about having sex, other days you do. You’ll notice that, if your partner tries to talk you into it on a day you don’t want to, you feel angry. And, if you do it when you don’t want to, you are less interested in sex for a couple of weeks afterward.

Why is Keeping Your Boundaries Essential to a Relationship?

Keeping your boundaries is essential to the intimacy and longevity of a relationship.

Knowing and sharing your boundaries with your partner creates a situation where your partner can trust you. They can trust that you will take good care of yourself so that you can stay in the relationship happily. That you will not build resentment or shut down.

When you allow your boundaries to be crossed in a relationship – and especially when you do it over and over again – you begin to build resentment and distance from those to whom you want to be closest.

Resentment is the number one killer of relationships. If you allow it to build for too long, you shut down to all of the love, connection, pleasure and positive resources that a healthy relationship can provide.

Let’s take the example in the earlier post on boundaries where a person (let’s call him Allen) has sex with his partner when he is exhausted and doesn’t want to – making him tired and ineffective at work. He rarely tells his partner that he doesn’t want to and always gives in if she pushes a little or complains.

Allen does this over and over again for years, getting angrier and more shut down, until he is avoiding any kind of physical intimacy with his partner at all. She feels sad, thinking he is no longer attracted to her. One day he explodes, saying he can’t take his wife’s demands anymore. She is shocked, having had no idea he was so fed up.

These kinds of dynamics happen all the time in relationship and, often the partner is blamed for crossing boundaries. They are told they should have known or been able to tell – instead of each person in the relationship being committed to their own well-being.

How Can You Tell When You Are Letting Your Boundaries Be Crossed?

Anger or a queasy, shut down feeling in your body are good signs that you feel someone is asking you to cross your boundaries, you are about to let your boundary be crossed or you have let your boundary be crossed.

Please notice that we are not saying that someone is crossing your boundaries, but that you are letting your boundaries be crossed. We often let our boundaries be crossed because we are afraid we will be left or will hurt our partner.

Unfortunately, avoiding loss or hurt by allowing your boundaries to be violated, over and over again, kills intimacy and is much more likely to lead to loss and hurt in the long run.

It’s the personal responsibility of each of us to pay attention to our boundaries, and to care for them by communicating them when necessary. No one else can know your boundaries but you. If you expect others to try to track them and protect them, you will experience a tremendous amount of disappointment. It will be difficult to have a healthy relationship.

The good news is – it’s possible to learn your boundaries and share them in ways that are both clear and loving.

We invite you to begin noticing when you are allowing your boundaries to be crossed – whether it happens to maintain equilibrium or avoid conflict in the relationship. Notice the sensations that go along with letting your boundaries be crossed, and how it makes you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

How to Offer a Boundary Lovingly

If you think of boundaries as essential to love and intimacy, then offering a boundary is actually a gift.

Unfortunately, usually when people share their boundaries, they feel they are being selfish or will hurt their partner. Often they aren’t clear or they have waited too long and begun to build resentment – only for the communication to come across as angry and harsh.

Imagine the next time a boundary is about to be crossed. Realize that sharing that boundary is a huge gift to yourself, your partner, and the relationship – and then try to offer it joyfully.

For example, you might say, “I feel much closer to you when I only have sex with you when I feel like it. Tonight, I’m not feeling like it because I need to be well-rested in the morning”. Or, “I really love talking with you, but I have had a rough day and I really don’t have the bandwidth to listen right now.”

While you might experience some amount of distance or hurt from your partner, it is better to allow them to experience this disappointment than to end up shut down and distant. No one can be everything to their partner, and to thrive, relationships need space for disappointment.

Want some more tools to better communicate your boundaries?

What Should You Do Next

• Read the Coming Together sample chapter for credibility and deeper context.
• Book a session with a Certified Somatica Coach for support communicating your boundaries.